badjokesbyjeff - Tumblr blog

[badjokesbyjeff]

Why do engineers mix up Halloween and Christmas?

Because Oct 31 == Dec 25

[badjokesbyjeff]

Superman is taking an evening stroll past the church when the Minister runs down the steps calling for his help.

"Superman, we need your help, a wall has collapsed in the basement, some workmen are trapped!" says the Minister.

"No way" said Superman "I'm not going near the crypt tonight".

[badjokesbyjeff]

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror. On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park.

What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again'?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.

[badjokesbyjeff]

The waiter came to my table and asked "Do you wanna box for your leftovers?"

So I knocked his ass out with a left hook.

[badjokesbyjeff]

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None.

[badjokesbyjeff]

Einstein, Newton and Pascal play hide and seek together.

It's Einstein's turn to count, and he closes his eyes. After counting to 10, Pascal runs away and hides.

Newton, on the other hand, very calmly draws a square on the ground, 1 meter on each side, in front of the place that Einstein counted, and goes to the middle of it and starts to wait.

When Einstein reaches 10, he opens his eyes and immediately says, "Newton, I found you!!" he shouts.

Newton smiles and says calmly: "You didn't find me, you found Newton per square meter. So you found Pascal."

[badjokesbyjeff]

Aristotle, Plato and Socrates walk into a café during the decline of the greek empire.

The barista asks each of them why they think the empire is falling.

Aristotle gives a powerful speech about how the empire has failed to live up to its telos and deconstructs the very nature of what an empire is. The barista is shocked by Aristotle's intelligence and wisdom. He thanks him for his answer and asks Plato why he thinks the empire is falling.

Plato too gives a powerful explanation, describing concepts that the barista had never even considered. The Barista thanks him, and acknowledges that Plato is truly very wise. He then asks how Socrates would respond to the question.

Socrates had already started drinking his coffee and his mouth is full so he just gestures to Plato. Plato seems to understand his gesture, and he gives yet another explanation for why the empire is falling, this one even better then before. Plato breaks down concepts that define reality itself, going on a long lecture that inescapably leads to one single explanation. The Barista finally understand every single reason behind the decline of the empire. He is awestruck, as Plato has delivered the most profound words he had ever heard. The barista looks at Socrates, and says "Wow, you are truly the wisest of them all."

[badjokesbyjeff]

Guy walks into a library and asks the librarian for a book on committing suicide.

She responds "fuck off, you won't bring it back"

[badjokesbyjeff]

Heisenberg, Schrödinger, and Ohm are on a road trip…

and they get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him, “Do you know how fast you were going?”

“No, but I know exactly where I am” Heisenberg replies.

The cop says “You were going 80 miles an hour.” Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts “Great! Now I’m lost!”

The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says “Do you know you have a dead cat back here?”

“We do now, asshole!” shouts Schrödinger.

The cop tries to arrest them.

Ohm resists.

[badjokesbyjeff]

Where does a Viking clown go when they die?

To ValHaHa.

[badjokesbyjeff]

My wife threatened to leave me due to my obsession with 'The Monkees'. I didn't think she was serious.

And then I saw her face...

[badjokesbyjeff]

A third grade teacher had her students ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral for their homework one day.

The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories. But then the teacher realized that only Katie was left.

"Katie, do you have a story to share?" ''Yes ma'am... My daddy told me a story about my mom." "OK, let's hear it," said the teacher.

"My mom was a Marine pilot in Iraq and her plane got hit." "She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife." "She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 enemy fighters." "She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last one with her bare hands."

''Oh my!" said the horrified teacher. "What did your daddy tell you was the moral to this story?"

"Stay away from Mommy when she's drunk!!!"

[badjokesbyjeff]

There were two white christian men, Adam and Jack, whose plane crashed into a desert.

Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then Adam said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are muslim.'' Then Jack said ''No way, I won't say I'm muslim, I'm gonna be honest''.

So Adam and Jack went to the Mosque ahead and were greeted by an Arab Muslim, who asked what their names were.

Adam thought of a Muslim name and said, 'My name is Muhammed'. And Jack said 'My name is Jack'.

The Arab man said 'Hello Jack.' And told these other men to take Jack and give him food and drink.

Then he turned to Adam and said, 'Salaam Muhammed. Ramadan Mubarak! (Hello Muhammad, Happy Ramadhan)

[badjokesbyjeff]

I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself...

my wife rushes through the room and shouts, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK"

[badjokesbyjeff]

I met a girl at a bar and we went back to hers and started making out on the sofa, she gave me a cheeky look and said ''I think we should take this upstairs''

Ok, I said, you carry one end and I'll get the other, be careful getting through the doorframe and we'll come back down for the cushions.

[badjokesbyjeff]

What happens if you you cross an angry cow with an angry sheep?

You get two animals that are in a baaaad moooood.

[badjokesbyjeff]

My wife says she’s leaving me because of my unhealthy obsession with poker. I think she’s bluffing.