badjokesbyjeff - Tumblr blog

[badjokesbyjeff]

Three guys were sitting in a biker bar. A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table. 

He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, "I went by your grandma's house and I saw her in the hallway, buck naked. Man, she is fine!" The biker looked at him and didn't say a word. His buddies were confused,because he was a bad ass, and would fight at he drop of a hat. The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker still said nothing. His buddies were starting to get mad. The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I'll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!" The biker stood up, took the drunk by the shoulder and said, "Damn it, Grandpa, you're drunk! Go home!"

[badjokesbyjeff]

I finally found the jackass and honeycomb joke from GOT by Tyrion Lannister 

I once brought a jackass and a honeycomb into a brothel. The Madame asked, "what can we do for you?" I said, "I need a woman to lay with, for mine has left me." The Madame asked "You poor thing; whatever for? And why do you have a jackass and a honeycomb?" "Well," I answered, "my woman stumbled upon a genie in a bottle, and he granted her 3 wishes. The first was to have the nicest ass in the land, so he gave her this jackass. Her second wish was for a 'house fit for a queen', so he gave her this beehive." The Madame asked, "And what of the third wish?" "For her third wish, my woman asked the genie to make my cock hang down past my knee." "Well, that one's not so bad!" the Madame exclaimed. "'Not so bad!?', I replied, "I used to be 6 feet tall!"

[badjokesbyjeff]

Barack Obama walks into a bar, but he is invisible. 

After attracting the bartender’s attention, the bartender says "Ok, I'll bite. Why are you invisible?" Barack says "Well, I found a bottle on the beach and...then I rubbed it." "And then...importantly...A genie came out." "The genie said I could have...3 wishes." For my first wish, I said "Let me say this, and this is profoundly important...I want Michelle to marry me...I love her,...and I think America will love her too." That wish was granted. For my second wish, I said "Like all patriotic Americans, I am deeply patriotic...and I want to be President...of the United States...so I can serve my country." That wish was granted too. And then, for my third wish, I started by saying "Let me be clear..."

[badjokesbyjeff]

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy a ticket and watch as the three engineers only buy one ticket. 

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a rest room and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Tickets, please!" The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants see this and agree it is a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy one ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer. When they board the train all three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Tickets, please!"

[badjokesbyjeff]

A man in the locker room of an upscale gym in NYC answers a cell phone and puts it on speaker while he dresses. 

Everyone else in the room stops to listen. Man : Hello? Woman : Hi honey, it’s me. Are you at the club? Man : Yes. Woman : I’m out shopping and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000 – is it OK if I buy it? Man : Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.

Woman : I also stopped by that new Lexus dealership and saw one of the new models I really like – it’s on an opening special. Man : How much? Woman : $90,000. Man : Wow! OK, but for that price I want it with all the options. Woman : Great! Oh, and one more thing … I was just talking to Jamie and found out that the house we wanted to buy last year is back on the market … they’re asking $980,000 for it. Remember it was well over a million when we looked at it? Man : I dunno. Make an offer for $900,000 and they’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want. Woman : OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much! Man : I love you too. The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. The man turns around and says, “Anyone know whose phone this is?"

[badjokesbyjeff]

A hiker, clearly shaken, enters a remote English village pub, his clothes all torn and he's full of scratches. 

"You won't believe this," he says to the bartender. "I was attacked by a leopard!"

"Really?"

"Yes! A leopard! In England!" The hiker sits down and orders the strongest liquor they've got. "I tried to run, but it was if course much faster than me."

The hiker gets his glass, empties it, and asks for another. "It sent me to the ground with a mighty push from its paws, but weirdly enough it then just gave me a really sad look and left."

"Ah, you met Father Andrews," the bartender says, matter-of-factly.

"What do you mean?" asks the tourist, confused.

"Father Andrews was our priest. A truly kind-hearted man, loved by all. His only goal in life was to serve his congregation as well as he could. So when he one day found a lamp with a genie, his very first wish was to be a loving shepherd to the community."

"That's nice "

"Absolutely, if only he hadn't been so prone to spoonerisms."

[badjokesbyjeff]

A young man comes to the confessional: "Forgive me father, I have sinned. I was with a woman of dubious morals." 

The pastor asks, "Is that you, Jimmy?" "Yes, it is I, father." "And who was this woman you talk about?" "I can't tell you that, father. I wouldn't want to sully her name." "I'll find out sooner or later, so it doesn't matter if you tell me now. Was it that girl Kathy Miller?" "I mustn't say." "It was Mary Smith, wasn't it?" "I am not telling." "Sally Rogers?" "I will be silent as a grave." "How about Betty Teller, then?" "Father, do not ask, I won't betray her." "Then it must have been Peggy Jones?" "Please, father, I vowed to remain silent." The priest sighs reluctantly. "You truly are determined, Jimmy. I almost have to admire you. But you have sinned and you have to do penance for it. You are not allowed to show your face in this church for three weeks! Now go in peace." Jimmy returns to his bench where his best friend greets him. "Well, how was it?" "Great!" "What did you get?" "Three weeks of vacation and five good tips."

[badjokesbyjeff]

A young boy says to his father "Dad, our maths teacher is asking to see you." 

"What happened?" The father asks.

"Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?'

"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from school and says, "Dad, have you gone by the school?"

"Not yet."

"Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also."

"Why?" asks the father.

"Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked, 'What, am I suppose to stand on.... my cock??'"

"Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come."

The next day, the boy asks his father "Did you go to the school?" "No, not yet."

"Don't bother, I got expelled."

Surprised, the father asks "Why did you get expelled?"

"Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher."

"The fuck was the art teacher doing there!?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"

[badjokesbyjeff]

A math teacher, a gym teacher, and an art teacher die and arrive in heaven at the same time.

God tells them that heaven is full and they will have to trick the devil to be let in. God calls the devil and the devil comes in and introduces himself.

The math teacher tries first and gives him a hard equation. The devil solves it in 10 seconds and the teacher is sent to hell.

The gym teacher asks him to do 1,000 push-ups in a row without stopping. The devil does it without stopping and the gym teacher is sent to hell.

The art teacher then says, “Give me a chair with 7 holes carved in it.” The devil hands him the chair. The art teacher sits down on it and farts. He asks the devil, “What hole did the fart come out of?” The devil replies, “Easy, the third one.” The art teacher then says, “No, my asshole.” And then makes his way to heaven.

[badjokesbyjeff]

Two idiots decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic. 

"What's Logic?" the first idiot asks.

The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example."

"Do you own a weedeater?"

"I sure do."

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good!"

The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."

Impressed, "Amazin!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The idoit is obviously catching on.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I can't wait to take that logic class!!"

The idiot, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin'?" asks the friend.

"Math, History, and Logic!" he replies.

"What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend.

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?" he asked.

"No," his friend replied.

"Gay."

[badjokesbyjeff]

A blonde walks in a bank to get a loan. “I need to borrow $100 for a month,” she says. 

The banker frowns, but takes her information anyway. He runs her credit but can’t find a report. “I’m sorry,” he says, “but in the absence of a credit record, we’ll have to charge 20% interest on the loan, and you’ll need to put up collateral.

“What does that mean?” the blonde says.

“It means,” the banker says, “you’ll have to repay us $120, and you’ll need to give us something more valuable to hold onto until you pay us back.”

“Something more valuable?” The blonde says. “How about my Ferrari?”

The banker nearly snorts his coffee all over his desk, but he prides himself on customer service so he soldiers on. He runs the title on the Ferrari and what do you know, the blonde owns it free and clear. “Okay, he says, “I’ll print out the papers.”

“Just so I understand,” the blonde says, “I give you my Ferrari and you give me a hundred dollars, right? And then in a month, I give you $120 and you give me my Ferrari back?”

“Yes,” the banker says, “that’s the deal.”

She signs the paperwork and hands him the keys. He counts out $100 for her and watches her saunter out the door.

A month to the day later, he’s sitting at his desk when the blonde saunters back in. She hands him $120 and says “I get my car back, right?”

“Yep, he says as he hands her the keys. She turns to go but he stops her. “Miss, I really have to ask, why did you use a $140,000 car as collateral on a $100 loan?”

“Oh!” The blonde says. “I got called out of town unexpectedly on business. How else can I park a Ferrari for a month in Manhattan for only $20?”

[badjokesbyjeff]

the only good innovation from facebook was the poke feature. tumblr needs the poke. when a cute girl is mass reblogging me and i don't wanna call them out to their face but i wanna go hey. i see you. being cute. rubbing your face on my blog like a cat. that's what the poke's for

[badjokesbyjeff]

Pin for survivors

[badjokesbyjeff]

Lawyer Joe 

Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a long time for you."   "What do you mean," he replied, "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?"   "45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel.   "Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy. I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate."   "Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel and disappeared inside. After a few minutes the angel returned. "Sorry, but by our records you are 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82..."

[badjokesbyjeff]

Why are Scandinavian girls so good looking? 

Because the Vikings didn't take the ugly ones.

[badjokesbyjeff]

Deer hunter special 

Some guy is in a bar and sees some attractive looking woman sitting there. Maybe 50 but with a killer body.

He buys her a drink. She asks him if he wants a deer hunter special.

He asks what that is. She says that her husband is away deer hunting for days. The deer hunter special is something she does during deer hunting season. It is daughter and mother sex with a stranger.

He says great and follows her to her home in his car. They walk into her house.

She yells up the stairs. "He ma, you still up?"

[badjokesbyjeff]

for april fools we’re deleting this entire site sayonara you weeaboo shits