badjokesbyjeff

[badjokesbyjeff]

A young man decided it was time to come out to his family. 

He was worried most about his grandmother, so he approached her in the kitchen.

"Grandma, I, uh, have to tell you something."

"Yes, sweety?"

"I, uh, I'm gay."

"Gay?" His heart stopped. "Does that mean you put men's things in your mouth?"

"Grandma!!!!"

"Well??"

Mortified, he muttered sheepishly, "I, uh, yeah?"

Whack! The wooden spoon found its mark. "Don't you EVER," she sternly replied, "complain about my cooking again."

[badjokesbyjeff]

A woman at a diet club was lamenting the fact that she had put on weight. 

“I made my family’s favourite cake over the weekend,” she told the group, “and they ate half of it at dinner.

The next day, I kept staring at the other half until I finally weakened and cut myself a thin slice. Well, I’m ashamed to say that once I got the taste there was no stopping me. One slice led to another and soon the whole cake was gone. I was totally dismayed by my lack of willpower, and I knew that my husband would be bitterly disappointed in me.”

“What did he say when he found out?” asked the group leader gently.

“Oh, he never found out,” said the woman. “I made another cake and ate half!”

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[badjokesbyjeff]

[badjokesbyjeff]

A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. 

So he decides to test this theory. He convenes all the couples he can find at a special seminar.

He then starts by asking the many people in the audience.

“How many people here make love once a day?”

Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely.

“Once a week?”

A third of the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant.

"How many of you make love once a month?”

A few hands tepidly go up. No grins could be sighted.

“OK, how about once a year?”

To his shock, one man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands and whistling. The therapist is shocked - this man's reaction completely disproves his theory!

“If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?”

The man shouts: "Today’s my birthday!”

[badjokesbyjeff]

My trans pride pin came in and it looks amazing @prideknights

[badjokesbyjeff]

PRE-ORDER ROUND 2: Only available until June 30, 2025! Shipping from the United States and Europe to: US 🇺🇸, EU 🇪🇺, UK 🇬🇧, Canada 🇨🇦, Australia 🇦🇺, and New Zealand 🇳🇿 Thank you everyone for voting on the polls and helping shape these pride dragon pins together. It is been so much fun making these! You can get yours here:

prideknights.com⚔️🌈

[badjokesbyjeff]

I got the words "jacuzzi" and "Yakuza" mixed up 

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.

[badjokesbyjeff]

We are the Pride Knights, and this is our battle cry No enemy can shake us, as hard as they can try There’s a fire in our eyes that no hatred can kill A passion in our hearts that’s as strong as our will To our fellow queers who fight their battles on their own We promise to fight with you, you are never alone To our fellow queers who have fallen with the pain We thank you for your courage, your fight is not in vain We are defenders of the right to be proud of who you are To love who you love and to accept every scar We are your knights, protectors of our pride Together we stand, together we ride

PRE-ORDER ROUND 2: ONLY AVAILABLE UNTIL JUNE 30, 2025!  Pride Knights Playing Cards, 52 unique cards, the numbers cards form castles, and the jokers are dragons carrying the progress pride flag! Shipping from the United States and Europe to: US 🇺🇸, EU 🇪🇺, UK 🇬🇧, Canada 🇨🇦, Australia 🇦🇺, and New Zealand 🇳🇿 Get yours here:

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[badjokesbyjeff]

I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes… 

The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.

[badjokesbyjeff]

A man tells his doctor "Doctor, my girlfriend is pregnant, but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How can she be pregnant?" 

The doctor considered his question for a moment, and then began to tell a story:

“I have a friend who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day, he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a large beaver sitting at the water’s edge. Since he only had his umbrella, he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature."

"Whimsically, he raised his umbrella, aimed it at the animal as if it were his hunting rifle, and said ‘bang, bang’. Miraculously, the beaver flinched twice as if it had just been shot, then fell over dead.”

"Now, what do you think of that ?” asked the doctor.

The man said, “Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”

The doctor replied, “Exactly! Next patient, please.”

[badjokesbyjeff]

Thanks mate

[badjokesbyjeff]

A woman comes home and finds a letter from her husband on the dinner table. 

She opens it and reads:

"My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, as a 54 year-old, can no longer satisfy. I'm very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. However, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn. Please don't be upset, I shall be back before midnight."

When the man came home late that night, he found a reply to his letter on the dining room table:

"My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. I would like to inform you that, while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with one of my students, who is also an assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile and, like your secretary, he is 18. You, being a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of mathematics, will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18..."

[badjokesbyjeff]

I found my husband hanging from a rope in our bedroom. 

On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."

I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and thank God he started to breathe.

As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."

[badjokesbyjeff]

A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "This is the third time I've been in this bar." 

"Really?" says the bartender.

"In 1982, I came in the day before my wedding. I was nervous. I was unsure. In retrospect, I was lacking confidence in myself, in my future."

"Fair enough," says the bartender.

"Over 40 years later, I came back... the day after my wife died. It's amazing how life can change. How every uncertainty can become the past. How the unknown can come to mean... everything."

The bartender doesn't know what to say.

But the man continues. "Those were the two most important days of my life," he says.

The two stand in silence for a moment.

"Well then," says the bartender, "what brings you here today?"

"As fate would have it," the man replies, "I forgot my umbrella."

[badjokesbyjeff]

Farewell online privacy

[badjokesbyjeff]

A man walks into a barbershop and asks the barber - "What's the wait time?" 

The barber says "Be about two and a half hours." The guy leaves.

A couple of days later, he shows up again with the same question. The barber says "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves again.

About a week later, the guy shows up once more - "How long for a cut?" The barber states "About two hours." The guy leaves again.

The barber tells his buddy Fred - "Follow this guy and see where he goes, he's come in three times, asks how long for a haircut, then leaves."

Fred comes back an few minutes later, and the barber asks "So, did you follow him?".

Fred said "I sure did!"

"So where the heck did he go?" asked the barber.

"Your house!" said Fred.