bangtanblurbs

[bangtanblurbs]

jack in the box - pandora's box

i typically write these blogs for myself, to process the impact and the meaning the music has for myself. i don't write these to suggest what the artist may have necessarily been feeling or communicating (as we will never truly know). therefore, i ask that as you read this you understand that this blog is more about what the particular track means to me as a listener, and as a dedicated fan.

lyrical break down, in my perspective (not all lyrics are featured)

"The ray of light that is left in the Pandora box Put it into a pure-hearted boy Till the end, framed to become Bangtan's hope"

these lyrics speak to a feeling of having a role within a group, society, a role of being an anchor of optimism, of determination -- two building blocks of hope, for a given group. in this case, hoseok is talking about his perceived place in BTS. but when i read these lyrics, it makes me think about myself and the role i play in my family, friend's and community's lives... working tirelessly to offer others new paths, suggestions forward, comfort when needed. perhaps it's an aspect of being highly empathetic, i always try to breathe an aspect of lightheartedness into any situation. perhaps this is what it's like to play the role of "hope" in such a dark reality where many have been corrupted by outside factors that dominate society.

"J to the hope Jung to the hope Jack in the box Pandora's hand The last hope Jack in the box"

the refrain of the song -- which emphasizes the connection of being hope to someone, or a group, and the myth of how hope emerged from pandora's box. hoseok seamlessly connects myth with his stage persona, as well as his greater identity as he swaps between his stage name, government name, and the tie in with pandora's box. this to me outlines, how one can perhaps sometimes feel alienated and like "the last to be let out of the box" with a mission of "fixing and providing a light in the dark" in each situation they occupy. emphasizing this role and one's identity relays the importance one may feel in occupying this space for a given group or reality... which might be exhausting or uplifting depending on the weight of this role and the context in which one has to operate.

"Someone's light, someone's smile Someone's hope, my activities are someone's life Time flows as the name says, someone's star"

this part of the song made me emotional, as someone who often looks to hoseok for inspiration and comfort. not only though his music but also through the way in which he carries himself. although i am well aware, this is not the complete story of jung hoseok, as he is able to curate what he shares with those of us who are his fans... these lines spell out that he is quite cognizant of the role he plays in many of our lives. our hope no matter what, no matter the message or the moment, we can take solace in what he shares. i thought about this for my own life too, what role do i play in the lives of others? i'll explain more in the next section of this blog, but the reflection ingrained in these lines is so incredibly powerful... the little things that we do can mean a lot to someone else, and those impacts change every moment that time goes by and we continue to exist and act.

"So I submitted my resume, finally The first leap, hope world, the inevitability that was necessary Keep dreaming of progress "What’s my path?" "What do I have to say?" Just keep on doing my thang"

these lines appear to be about the releases of hoseok's solo works, and the story/message he is communicating throughout them. they give off a vibe of, he is communicating what he wanted to when he wanted to communicate those things... that as time progresses he is able to continue figuring out what he wants to share and how to share with everyone as well. when i think about these lines i think about my own career -- as someone who produces written work... i think about the things i'm sharing... how they've improved, or changed, over time to better communicate my values, my insights, and overall my contributions to society and those who choose to live in proximity to me. the line about "doing my thang" struck me as well, i hope that one day i can gain confidence to proclaim that everything i do is 100% mine... sometimes i doubt my steps in life, while i can do a lot for others, i'm not always certain i do them for myself.

"This dream was drawn by Zeus Is it the only big picture? The owner's curiosity summoned me This is like Pandora's fateful criminal Yes, I can see the world Tens of thousands of temptations that burn with one touch Greed, envy, jealousy, grudge Revenge and hate Maybe for no reason"

these lines, for me, they acknowledge the reality that we live. is there any reason for the pain we experience in life? in my view, these lyrics make me feel like -- there's no reason. taking on the role of being "hope" is a choice. of course, it's not easy. it's something to be worked at each and every day, but it's something that is chose during the chaos of reality -- full of emotions that come naturally for no reason but damage us and those around us. the reality is though, these "temptations" which "burn" are all too easy to fall into. it can be downright addicting to give into our anger, our greed and envy... it feels powerful... it feels good... but part of me listens to this song and reflects on as powerful as some of these emotions make us feel -- is hope not more powerful? is hope not just as infectious? perhaps more so? with the power to combat these volatile emotions, with action, with love, with something completely opposed to these other emotions? after all, it's a choice we make. the role we fill -- what we allow out of our box... isn't it? i don't know hoseok, but to me this song is communicating that he is all too familiar with these negative emotions and realities. it seems that this song is speaking more of the identities we make conscious effort to choose to hold for the sake of ourselves, our progress, and our impact on those that we surround ourselves with.

"We need hope Whether it's a lot or just a little Benjamin Button, we aren't afraid to walk backward If I can take the lead and feel a little bit"

as the lyrics read. we absolutely need hope. without hope, what is left? we all know the cheesy quotes that adore rae dunn cups, "hope is the light in the dark" blah blah. but, the reality is, there's something to that. hope, or even the perception of hope, is everything. it's the energy we need to get up and fight another day, it's the belief that we might have a better tomorrow... it's the reality that we don't live in a stagnant reality. hoseok it seems is speaking to the risk that we take when we choose hope... taking the lead and feeling and little bit. it's not always easy to be the one that moves different, to be the spark needed when things are challenging, but being willing to have courage to do so can make a world of difference.

"I want to remind you of a little hero This box is a frog in the well Jump out to the big world I want to face the disaster head-on Jack in the box Look at my title After opening the box, I believe it now My name"

aren't we all capable of being a little hero? isn't being a hero just being someone that chooses to fight for what is right? or perhaps it's just being someone that fights, maybe that fight is waking up another day, maybe it's something else. whatever it is, we have to see the larger context we exist within, outside of the well. maybe it's easier to just be blinded by rage, or to be complacent with reality... but there's also reward in moving forward and facing whatever it may be that we need to face (perhaps it's not even something we can fully conceptualize). maybe just taking the leap and moving away from the emotions that keep us stagnant and weigh us down is enough, just chanting to ourselves and telling us that we can be something hopeful and something impactful in our community is enough to encourage us to act forward and do whatever it is that we need for ourselves, our communities, and those that we love.

what does it mean to me?

i'm not gonna lie, the first time i heard pandora's box i got totally lost in the chanted refrain. it felt like every time it was repeated the energy grew, like -- the more we spoke it into existence that j-hope was hope, but also jung hoseok himself -- it made my heart full. it made me feel energized and encouraged. the song felt like hoseok communicating that he understood and had grown even more into his role as hope for many people in his life both inside and outside of bangtan.

sometimes i feel myself doing this. some kind of positive self-talk. whatever it takes to put my feet on the ground and keep going at this point... obviously i'm not writing songs or being so clever or systematic with it, but i often thing you know "you can do this, you can be there for others, you can take a risk and try to improve ____" that's how listening to pandora's box felt. it was like a song where i felt as it went on there was more and more reassurance about the place in which one stands with their identity relative to the darkness in the overall universe.

it's funny... as i've now listened to the song hundreds of times -- i have had a whole range of thoughts and emotions connected to it. initially i was like, i doubt i'll relate to this much outside of just being an ardent fan of hoseok -- but the way he's speaking about the constant construction of identity, it's incredibly relatable. isn't that what we are all always doing? no matter we want to claim that we're always the same, stationary, and putting one face forward, the reality is different. perhaps we have core values, such as hoseok, you know, maybe one of those is hope, but we craft other things around our identity to be what we need to be at a given time or what is needed for a given situation or community that we are nested within.

to start off with, i first thought about my identity as a daughter. as a member of a close family. i am hope. much like hoseok. i'm doing things really differently from the rest of my family. i've talked about it a lot, but i'm first gen for graduate school and certainly the first of my family to truly move away from home and pursue something outside of the typical southern gender roles that much of my family upholds. i see myself as being a light of hope and progress -- something that was hiding in the box that nobody expected after our family has experienced tragedies in the past two decades.

then i thought about my friends. who am i to them? i don't think i'm always hope, actually i can firmly say -- i am not. i think for me, i'm more like comfort. c - to the comfort - aroline. lol whatever, something like that. i'm someone that is fun loving, and usually at the ready to cheer on my friends. this being said, i'm also a big proponent of just... allowing yourself to be vulnerable. when i'm having a hard time i often wear my emotions on my sleeve. not always my best attribute, but i've become a firm believer that my emotions aren't something to be afraid of.

it's funny when i think about this -- i immediately thought of quite a traumatic memory i hold from when i was just a 17 year old kid. i guess a trainee of life. i've spoken about it before -- my closest friend passed away after a long battle with cancer. the day after this occurred was a school day. i'd fully intended to just stay home with my family, take it easy, and process what i'd just been through (the loss of a friend i'd held for a decade). yet, instead i began receiving phone calls immediately after the school day began. teachers called me, begging me to come to school because my "classmates needed to see me, i needed to be the one to be strong for everyone else, to show them that i was okay and that they would in turn be okay." at that time i was angry about this. i was pissed i wasn't given a fair opportunity to grieve. but now i understand it. my role has always been one of comfort, hospitality, and embracing others when they need me. of course, i then went to the school and did what i could to settle everyone. i've seen this play out countless times since then. it's the 3am phonecalls from friends who need you, it's the sleepovers with friends who can't be on their own, it's dropping off food to those who need a little push to keep going. whatever it can be, now that i'm older -- i'm comfortable saying that these are roles i fill in the communities that i populate. and i don't mind this identity or responsibility, much like hoseok seems to be noting in this song his role in his different communities... and growing into this identity while balancing other emotions he may feel, like insecurity. nothing is stagnant after all is it? we're constantly recharging our light, breaking down our pandora's box again and again to re-emerge as whatever we need ourselves to be.

something that really resonated with me in the song was the last set of lyrics, where hoseok is discussing this concept of being a hero, facing things head on. these lyrics felt like coming home to me, reminiscent of lyrics like those in nevermind... fighting another day. bringing what are strengths are whenever we have something new we need to face -- in our personal lives or in our wider society. i'm not going to be untruthful, standing up and fighting each day is really hard... especially these days as it feels like our basic freedoms and right to live are under assault. but this being said -- i try to bring what i have best to face these situations. as much as i can. much of the jack in the box album is dialoguing with current societal events -- or at least i feel that way... look at equal sign or future? i hope to be able to dig further into these themes as i write these blogs. what can we do if we all abandon hope as we try to fight against the realities that we are confronted with today. hoseok confidently states his place as hope despite the state of the world... will we all be brave enough to do the same? it's something i think about daily... how can i live in a way where i can offer hope to others? where i can fight what i need to in order to create a better world?

that's the beauty of jack in the box though, and pandora's box, this is an album to make you think. sure -- we will never really understand what hoseok meant with each song, but we can say that these lyrics have meaning to each and every one of us that listens to the album and truly lets the music be something they can relate to mind and soul.

[bangtanblurbs]

autumn leaves

song: autumn leaves by BTS

first experience: my first listen of autumn leaves was when HYYH pt. 2 released. thanksgiving had just ended -- it was 2015. i was well into my fourth year of undergraduate studies and going through both a rough patch in some respects but also in others -- hitting my stride. i remember my first listen through of HYYH pt. 2 was in my tiny dorm room, perched on my bed, avoiding the responsibility of studying for my final exams. autumn leaves followed skit in the tracklisting, and before skit came baepsae. talk about whiplash... my emotions were all over the place. immediately i was taken by the unique backbeat and the beautiful blend of devastating vocals with emotional raps. for me, autumn leaves was immediately a favorite of mine from the album -- following closely behind butterfly. i can confidently say today though that the song is one of my top ten bangtan songs of all time. something about the sound, the lyrics, and the emotions i can hear in their voices makes it one of the most powerful rap ballads in the bangtan repertoire. i can remember distinctly i came to this revelation around christmas of 2015 as i continued to loop HYYH pt. 2 and really feel each beat and sound within the individual tracks. 

at this time i was going through a period of great change in my life - and autumn leaves is the perfect song for change. it’s a song about losing a love but also about feeling as if you are losing a piece of yourself. there are many ways to interpret the song outside of just being another sad love song -- that is something that struck me. the lyrics speak to several facets of what happens when you give pieces of yourself to others, or when you reach crossroads in your life. finding this song at this particular moment in my life was like finding energy and light at a time of extreme darkness. it was healing. soothing. 

feelings: i have too many. as always. autumn leaves is special to me because when i listen to it i’m reminded of both the place i was in when the sound found me, but also more recent development in my life that continue to relate to the song. when i first heard autumn leaves, i’d recently ended a relationship i’d been far too invested in despite knowing it was going to be a dead end - for about three years. i felt like i was at a point in my life where i needed to figure out who the hell i was without the one i’d loved. it’s funny though - i was happy to be free of that relationship, to be free of him, the pressures he’d put upon me. what do dead leaves mean if not a new spring right around the corner? perhaps i was feeling lost, but in my mind it was only temporary -- the dead must fall away to bring forward the spring. 

that being said, i did mourn. not in the way you might think, but in the way that one mourns for lost time, lost identity. so often we, as women, give up our identities when we are in relationships. we allow others to define us in terms of those that we are in relationships with. i’ve realized this now that i’m older -- now that i’m more at peace with my bisexuality -- the notion that our patriarchal society defines us in terms of the men within our lives rather than our own talents and identities. this particular blog isn’t a space for my feelings on that topic though -- what i will say is that autumn leaves comforted me. perhaps i felt that i was at a point where my leaves were dying -- but does that mean the tree is dead? absolutely not. spring would come. my life would be reborn with a new focus taking over. 

this being said -- i’ve always been one of those people that holds onto the past. i always wanted to be solid, non-changing, someone with convictions that they carried along from life. i think this stems from experiencing the death of a close friend while i was very young. i cherished the memories associated with her to the point where i didn’t want to lose the person i was when i knew her. so that’s always complicated change for me -- made the moments where the last leaves fell from the autumn trees that much harder. sure, spring was on its way, but what did that mean? would i lose the memories and the moments when my leaves where at their brilliance the previous season? or would i still carry those with me? what if i needed to correct course and completely rewrite who i was over the past -- would that mean losing who i was when i was loved by those i valued in the past? of course not -- but for some reason the more emotional sides of me didn’t see things in such a fluid way. lost was more profound when i was younger because it was also accompanied with these fears over the loss of my identity. 

as i’ve gotten older i’ve realized that identity can have staying power whilst also being something that is fluid. transmuting something doesn’t mean destroying or overwriting it. it means building upon the base and modifying it so that things are more brilliant. the me that existed before and during my long-term relationship was the same me i’d carry into the future, but with many more improvements for my own wellbeing and ability to express myself. for me, autumn leaves is just that. whilst on the surface it may convey the emotions of a breakup -- it also simply conveys the feelings that we get when we progress from one period of life to another. we leave parts of ourselves behind in order to improve. does that mean we are fundamentally changed? absolutely not. it means that we have learned from the past -- that we have made progress. in the same way that trees grow and change over the years. perhaps they look differently (taller, greener in hue? more branches?) but they still provide us with lushness and shade. 

personal connection: perhaps i’ve jumped ahead... i’ve already delved into this in the feelings section. that being said... i hope that my story can bring comfort to someone else. or perhaps help you all think about the ways in which bangtan songs can promote healing in your own lives. 

since my initial experience with the song i’ve had many other moments where i’ve turned to autumn leaves for comfort. i didn’t just leave it in the past -- it’s come with me as i’ve gotten older and moved into new spaces in my life. particularly i quite literally moved and started a huge new chapter in my life. and on this, autumn leaves has been a song i frequently find myself searching for. there’s a line in the song that resonates with me -- it’s in the bridge: “i hold on to these faded memories / is this greed? / i try to look back on these lost seasons / i try to turn back” 

initially i’d been excited for my big move from atlanta to washington dc. i thought it’d be the moment where i finally showed people back home that i wasn’t a failure, that all the pride i’d held in myself and my intellectual accomplishments was valid... but partnered with that came the intensive homesickness, the feeling of being an alien. i wasn’t really welcome here in dc. i still don’t feel welcome, but that’s a story for another day - another song. the reality is though, i moved just as the seasons turned to fall. it felt like my old life was falling away, i was bidding adieu my old life -- the community that had raised me since i was eighteen -- it was all gone. i was scared, terrified my friends wouldn’t keep in touch, afraid i’d have to change who i was to experience success (mask my accent, dye my hair, use the language of the elites)... while it’s not a breakup in the way the autumn leaves reads, i felt like i was having to plead with myself not to let go of who i was just for the sake of being accepted here, or for the sake of making my day to day life easier. the beat of the song brought me comfort as i walked to school, where i received the fake smiles of professors and classmates... i pleaded with myself -- to never let the parts of me that had gotten me to where i was fall away... to always let those dead leaves be the fertilizer for who i was becoming, for the me that would deliver myself closer to my dreams. 

even now -- i listen to autumn leaves and think about what i’m going to carry forward as the seasons change and we begin to work our way into a new normal in this pandemic. what parts of me will remain? what relationships will i keep? what *should* fall away, and what will i beg to keep around rather it’s healthy or not? i’m not sure. but closing my eyes and listening to the steady sound of autumn leaves brings me nothing but comfort. 

song breakdown

musically: autumn leaves is one of the most iconic songs from the HYYH era. the beat is iconic, the mix of vocal line and rap line from verse to chorus is completely seamless, it’s almost like a ballad rap (so iconic of the HYYH era, with songs like love is not over). the asian style beats, and synth... the sounds of the song are flawless from start to finish. the underlying beat of the song is so smooth, it feels almost like constant crashing waves, the ebb and flow of the beat with a few accents to highlight the emotional pick-ups of the verses. 

now -- it was controversial at the time -- many claim that autumn leaves samples beats from deadroses by blackbear. rather that’s true or not, i don’t know. but i find that listening to both songs back to back, they’re speaking to a lot of similar themes but with their own distinct sound and messages. there’s something about the genius of the back beat mixed with the emotionally charged rapping that sets autumn leaves apart -- also the use of vocal line is completely distinct and adds to the emotion in the sound. 

vocally: i don’t have as much to say about the vocals in this song. they’re beautiful, with vocal providing honey belts throughout the choruses, which sound more like a repeated bridge. we also see the slower, more emotionally accented rap style from each of rapline. the integration of the vocals and rap are iconically HYYH and BTS. we see the raps pick up, and slow down providing for pre-choruses to build into the beautiful vocal ballad ranges. 

autumn leaves performed live -- it’s something incredible. something i’m thankful i was able to experience. bangtan obviously never disappoint, but you can really hear the emotions in their voice with autumn leaves. the perfect adlibs, the changing rap paces, the roughness of rapline’s lower registers... it delivers the sadder themes of the song perfectly. 

lyrically: time for a DEEP dive yet again. autumn leaves is about change, the loss of a love. of course meanings can be layered, it can be about change, but on the very surface its a song about loss of love because of changes over time. 

jin and jungkook start out the song beautifully. the lyrics lead in directly addressing the theme: “fall like those dry leaves / just falling without strength, my love.” indicating that the song is like a letter - it’s a message to a love. the speaker is comparing their situation to a dead leaf, useless... time has run out... time to leave and fade away... something new to come a replace. falling without strength, it seems as if the speaker is saying they’ve got no more fight in them anymore, they’ve given up and realized continuing the fight is futile. it’s time to just let everything fall away, fade into black. “your heart just goes far away / i can’t catch you / i can’t catch you anymore, anymore / i can’t hold onto you, yeah” as much as the speaker would like to hold onto the moment they are in, hold onto the person they’re with... they can’t anymore. the other person is too far away. time has led to them drifting further apart, their relationship falling away like a dead leaf.

yoongi starts off the first rap, leading in with heavy emotions and continuing the story, and theme of a tree moving into fall. “those fallen leaves that look so insecure / seem like they’re looking at us.” the leaves have already fallen off the tree now, they’re dead on the ground -- peering back up at the speaker and their partner. i interpret this as the leaves are looking back at something they used to be a part of, something familiar to them, just as leaves are a part of our lives, trees spectating our lives as we live. these leaves were a part of their lives -- and now they’re gone, a piece is dead now. “if i touch your hand, even if it’s all at once / it seems like it’ll all become crumbs” -- this line illustrates again the analogy that the leaves are like the speaker’s significant other, someone that might just crumble away like it was never even there before, like a dream, it’s that distant. “i only looked / with the autumn wind” the seasons have changed, it’s that time, it’s been that time, and now the wind is a force that finally pushing the leaf off the tree, finally pushing the relationship or moment of life to end. “your words and expressions that become cold at some point / i can see that our relationship is fading / an empty relationship like the autumn sky” this line directly refers to the relationship like the seasons -- there was a spring, beautiful and blooming, love blossomed. and in summer it burned. but as time went on, the clouds went away and the rain stopped (the autumn sky doesn’t bring the spring showers to nurture the relationship anymore) and the fire consumed everything, burning it out and leaving nothing. “an ambiguous difference compared to before / today of all days, the much quieter night” there’s nothing left -- there no more crackle of the fire burning, no more love. it’s empty, and gone. but nobody knew when it became this way or why, it just did. “one lead left clinging to a branch / it’s shattering, i see the end.” there’s something hanging on -- perhaps it’s just the memory -- perhaps it’s just the part of them that is afraid of change, that wishes they could stay in the warmth. but even so, it’s beginning to crumble, it’s beginning the process to fall away. “dead leaves becoming dried / the silence inside your aloof heart / please don’t leave me / please don’t leave me, crumbling dead leaves” from dead to dried, the emphasis is made that at some point things have moved past ending or that they have been done for quite some time and for them to now also be dried. that being said they’re dried, not gone, the memories exist the emotions have left their place. someday the marks of this relationship will impact and provide the basis for another with someone else -- for better or worse.

then, we reach the bridge-like chorus. it’s simple in lyrics despite emotion packed in tone. “i want the you that meets my eyes / i want the you that wants me again” this line indicates that the partner in this situation has walked away and had decided not to even acknowledge the speaker. to pretend they don’t exist, to remove them from their life -- perhaps to not even keep them as a memory. “please don’t leave me / please don’t fall / never never fall / don’t go far away” the speaker begins to beg, holding onto the last few minutes of whatever they believe is left of the relationship. the begging of “don’t fall” is at odds with the previous verse about a leaf already fallen -- perhaps the chorus is coming from a more desperate state, or a moment before the inevitable happened (the season changed, the leaves fell). 

the post chorus brings in jin and continues with the same lament - the same desperate begging. “baby you, girl i can’t let you go / baby you, girl i can’t give up on you” the speaker is determined to hold onto the moment before the final fall. they are unwilling to let it all go -- hanging on to the last moments but also to the memories it seems. “like those falling dry leaves / this love, like dry leaves / never never fall / it’s fading.” at this point the chorus has progressed to where the leaves are fading and falling -- morphing into something that is no longer a leaf anymore. what is the speaker holding onto any more? just as memories too fade -- is there anything even left?

the next verse brings in namjoon, it plays off of the themes and tones in yoongi’s verse. it begins with the leaves already having fallen. there’s no more grasping onto what was, it’s much more about moving on and the ways the memory frames our ability to go forward. “like all the dry leaves fall / like all the things i thought would last forever are leaving / you are my fifth season” the speaker couldn’t imagine this happening -- a fifth season, there is no such thing. the leaves have fallen, despite him never imagining that it would occur, he’s dumbstruck. there’s a level of naivety here -- speaking to the things they thought would last forever -- which harkens back to the entire HYYH era theme. youth. learning growth. namjoon is speaking to new steps in life happening after finding out that what was familiar and comfortable is gone, and will not return as he is stepping into a fifth season and uncharted territory. “even if i try to see you, i can’t look / you’re still green to me / even if the heart doesn’t move, it moves by itself / lingering feelings hung out piece by piece like laundry” namjoon is charging here that he’s placing more emphasis on the past and the memories he holds rather than wanting to confront the reality that the other person has changed. they’re still green - young, fresh, healthy... he can’t help but still be in love because he cannot confront the fact that the other person has in fact changed. and at the same time all of this change and loss has made him raw, he cannot conceal his feelings even when doing mundane day to day things... his emotions hung out for all to see. “only crimson memories fall / from above me / even if my branch doesn’t shake / they constantly fall” the colors have changed from green to crimson, he is forgetting the hard times -- the memories that are rotten. the other memories, even if he keeps trying to hang onto them, they’re also going - being tainted by the dark and unhappy reality of things begin done. “right, my love must fall / in order to rise” he realizes, he need to cut the baggage, cut his false belief that things are still good, so that he can start a new season and try again. embrace his youth once again and heal. “even when you’re near, my two eyes / are far away, it’s happening / i’m being thrown away like this / inside my memories, i become young again” he emphasizes again that he cannot confront the reality of loss of this other person but realizes that it’s completely out of his control - he is the one being thrown. but he knows he can retreat to whatever space he needs to in order to cope or heal, he can hide inside his youth in his mind. he can stay there until he heals and can emerge once again. 

the chorus the repeats again, but this time it moves into the beautifully delivered bridge by taehyung. he begins with his low and smooth range “why can’t i give up on you yet / i hold on to these faded memories” which calls directly to namjoon’s verse. the seasons are changing, but he cannot let go of the past. things are fading but they remain his refuge. “is this greed? / i try to look back on these lost seasons / i try to turn back” he begins to realize that there’s an element to these emotions that might be toxic, that he wants but he knows he cannot have what he wants, or that he wants too much. he wishes he could retreat back to the summer, or the spring. turn back time and hide in those brighter moments. 

the final verse is beautifully delivered with hoseok’s unique style. he offers an unexpected conclusion to the hopelessness of yoongi’s verse and the denial and dismissal in namjoon’s. “burn them brightly, woosh / it was all beautiful, right, our path / but they’ve all faded” hoseok remembers fondly the memories, reflects positively on the way that things had been going... but he recognizes that that path exists no more -- those leaves are dead and gone. he uses the word “burn” which is often what happens with dead leaves, they’re burning brightly those memories -- like they’re seared into his mind and heart. they’ll never leave his essence. “dry leaves come down like tears / the wind blows and everything grows apart all day” this line beautifully captures the mourning process and the confusion that follows -- the learning to unlearn and untangle your life from another person’s. to move away from something that was so permanent in your life and mind. “the rain is falling and you’re shattering / until the very last leaf, you you you” the weather references in this verse are fitting for the theme of seasons but they also take control away from the speaker - make reference to the fact that even as they speaker would like to, he cannot control his emotions just like he cannot control the situation and relationship coming to an end. the very last leaf -- he tried to hold on, he waited till the end, but finally the hope is gone. 

the chorus repeats with some additional lines bracketing it by taehyung. ultimately the song leaves us with a feeling of being unsettled as things came to an ended. time passed by and things changed -- and end was inevitable. memories are what is left to hold onto. seasons change, just like we grow up or change. things in our lives will run their course, especially relationships. we learn from them, and even if we don’t want them to -- they leave scars... no matter how much we plead. but the reality is, we can retreat to whatever place in our mind or memory that we need to in order to repair ourselves to try again.

performance: the main video that is available online for autumn leaves is a performance from HYYH on tour. i cannot pinpoint the location of the filming, but it is the same as it was when i saw BTS live in 2016 in macau for HYYH the epilogue on tour. you can find it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UrM53Y9hHV0&ab_channel=lestwins1524 

the performance is very much understated but beautiful. vocals and raps are delivered with more emotion than was captured in the recorded version. members do not perform any choreographed dances, but lights and graphics highlight each member as they come into focus to deliver their portion of the song. it’s beautiful and it’s just what was needed to portray the emotion and depth of the themes in autumn leaves. 

in my own personal experience, seeing this song performed live was incredibly profound. the entire arena was silent. all eyes on bangtan and listening for each of the incredibly raw verses to be peformed. the crisp emotion laden in the vocal line choruses. the song is beautiful. it’s somber and mature. it exemplifies the drama of the HYYH era -- with lyrical and performance genius that is unparalleled. i’ve uploaded to this post my horrible video but i hope you enjoy ~~

tl;dr: autumn leaves might seem like another breakup song, but there’s more to it. it beautifully emphasizes the power of memory, time passage, and the desire to hold onto past versions of themselves. which for many listeners is far more profound than just a breakup -- there’s so many times when we need to leave behind moments in our lives, friends, family members... and while we want to hold onto something that is familiar, we can’t. they’re leaving, we are moving on... seasons come and go no matter how much we wish they’d just stay constant. dead leaves fall away, even when we’d wish the summer and spring would stay, they can’t. life is cyclical in nature. which harkens us back to the themes in spring day as well. the sun will always come out, the seasons will change... but we have to confront the fact that sometimes we will experience pain, loss, and change. 

[bangtanblurbs]

young forever

song: young forever by BTS

first experience: strangely enough i have a very visceral memory of when forever young dropped. it was during finals week of my final year in undergrad. the song released on a sunday in the wee hours (or perhaps a monday? - days tend to run together during finals week). i didn’t have many assignments due that year since my course load was light and i was really just coasting into grad school the year afterwards (at the same institution i attend for undergrad). i remember logging onto youtube and catching the video as it premiered. i was stunned. HYYH pt. 1 and HYYH pt. 2 were heavenly to me, so of course young forever was greatly anticipated for me - the aesthetics, continuation of the story, and also simply getting new bangtan music. the cotton candy color pallet loaded onto my phone screen, and RM’s beautiful voice can through my earphones... i was immediately in love. 

every member looked completely stunning. the message i got from the video was... incredibly powerful. the maze. the lyrics. all of it resonated with me, a young woman -- 22 years old -- soon to turn another corner in life. i sat in my dorm room preparing for a busy week, as i was the RA in my dormitory and needed to help my students move out that week... as i prepared for my graduation and transition into my next step in life... i was also shipping out to macau, china for the summer in a few weeks so i geared up for that. this video dropping was almost a breath of fresh air from everything going on. i was able to really sit and enjoy it, but also reflect on my past, present, and the future to come. 

feelings: well, i have quite a lot. as someone who has been chronically obsessed with the story of peter pan since age seven, i’d say that youth is something i value - perhaps a bit too much. what’s interesting though is young forever isn’t necessarily about youth in the rawest sense... it’s also about dreams, reaching the point in your life where you’re happy, with yourself, your circumstances, ultimately your place in life. which i suppose most people equate that with youth, the innocence and naivety of it all. for me, thinking about forever young is kind of about that anxiety we carry as we get younger - have a made good use of my youth? did i squander it, getting caught up in the day to day or bogged down by my demons? the worry that our youth is our prime and when it’s gone, where do we go next? retire? it’s kind of funny thinking about this now as I’m 27 instead of 22. do i feel any older? no, not really - i feel the same. the same energy, the same zeal for life. do i look back on the days when i was younger and think that my youth is gone? no. for me - youth - it’s a state of mind. it’s an ethos, a way of proceeding forwards in my life. i didn’t always think this way - perhaps that was wrapped up in my anxiety about getting older. i used to lament my birthday each passing year - god turning 23 felt the absolute worst for some reason. it’s funny now though - how i almost feel younger, lighter, now than i did. youth should be a feeling of unburdened peace right? ideally it would seem so - but the reality in our world today... youth is pain. youth is struggling. youth is stumbling through the dark and trying to figure out who the hell you are, who the hell you want to be. i still feel like i’m stuck in that place, that place of wonder - of reaching out, exploring, experiencing... i feel as naïve as ever despite the pain that courses through some of my life. 

so back to young forever - how does the song make me feel? it makes me feel at home. at peace. forever we can carry our youth, forever we can approach our lives with childish curiosity, with the energy to follow our dreams, with a dedication to our passion, and an and endless realization that change is the only constant in our lives. despite the ups and downs that might come with living with this mindset - i wouldn’t want to live any other way. what’s the point of continuing to grind hard every day in the cruel systems our society has built if we can’t at least say we did it with voracious appetite to experience fully our surroundings, emotions, and imaginations?

personal connection: it’s rather hard for me to nail down all of my personal connections to young forever. as i mentioned, i have a really strong connection to the story of peter pan. i’ll briefly explain why and how that plays in here - but i must warn you... if you’re uncomfortable with strangers oversharing on the internet, perhaps this isn’t the blog for you to read. i’m quite comfortable bearing my soul to people i don’t know. for some reason vulnerability has never been something i’ve struggled with - perhaps it’s the naivety i love about myself. anyways... here we go.

when i was 17 my best friend passed away from cancer. it was relatively quick. just a summer we spent together gossiping in a hospital room, machines beeping while we tried our very best just to giggle about boys and lament our torturous IB courses. i’d known her nearly my whole life. meeting in second grade - and bonding quickly over a love for the whimsy of peter pan’s story. we’d gush on the playground about flying away to neverland - where we could do whatever we wanted. explore, sing, fly. but she was gone then. gone far too soon. frozen in a youthful state in my mind. her passing is still the hardest thing i’ve ever been through in my life, and i’ve been through some scary shit. immediately when i hard young forever i thought about her. i thought about how she lived. she was fearless. the bravest and strongest person i ever knew, and still to this day, have ever known. knowing her - experiencing her soul - it changed me. once she passed away i had to be strong, my classmates looked to me as their rock, my parents forbid me to cry, everyone pushed me into adulthood way too quickly. i was just a seventeen year old girl. i was having a crisis - i wanted nothing more than to speak to my best friend as i navigated choosing my next steps after high school. but she wasn’t there, and i wasn’t allowed to feel. i was terrified. my youth was gone. nothing seemed fun anymore. youth became pain as i looked around at my peers who were back to normal in a matter of weeks. giggling with one another, moving along with life. i became a robot. quickly i threw myself into school work. i was already a high achieving student but i climbed higher. i worked harder. i had decided that for the life she couldn’t live, i would live it for her. i’d go to the best college i could, i’d do all the things i never dreamed i could. i’d do it for her. but i wasn’t living. i had let my youth go. i was fading away. just a shell. 

it’s funny. or perhaps it’s not. young forever is a comfort song. a comfort song with some incredible darkness in it. the anxiety in namjoon’s verse, yoongi’s speaking to hiding feelings - pushing forward despite what he carries, hoseok’s verse about letting himself go and just giving what he has to keep pushing. their words - that’s how i felt. the song dropped around four years after my friend’s passing. i needed it before then. although perhaps it wouldn’t have “saved me” because music doesn’t save, music gives us the strength and comfort we need to save ourselves (i’m not a fan of taking way my own agency in MY story), it might have offered me a light in an increasingly blurry world. 

a year prior to the song’s release i’d spent a summer in china. my life changed there. i lived with seven incredibly bright middle school girls. that experience, i never thought it would start to heal me the way it did. they were under immense pressure (the education system in china is total bullshit)... and they told me “caroline, youth is pain. it’s not beautiful. it’s a period where we struggle the most.” i’d never heard this. the typical western perspective is that youth is “the most beautiful part of life” - it’s where you fall in love, it’s where you get hurt and you pick yourself up, it’s where you find yourself, you feel invincible. but that’s just it - it’s also where you can get incredibly lost (like the maze in the video). not all of us experience youth without pain. this perspective helped me to heal. i wasn’t so alone - i wasn’t squandering my youth, sure - i was treading water - but that was okay. i could cry. i could feel. and so, at this point i began to write my own story again. rather than living for someone else, i decided to throw the book out the window, to pick myself and run like hell towards what i wanted. to accept the freefall of life. that’s youth. that’s the most beautiful part of life. the part where you free yourself from whatever chains society has on you. youth is only associated with being a child because that who should be the most free. when truly youth, youth is that period in your life when you learn to live for yourself, your dreams. dream, hope, keep going. don’t fucking stop.

so this brings us to 2016. i was weeks away from a new journey abroad when young forever dropped. i was doing better. life felt lighter. i still had a long way to go, but some things i’d gotten right. i gained confidence, i navigated my interpersonal relationships with more poise. etc etc. going to china the second time, it changed me more. i did things on my own i’d never dreamed of doing. crossing multiple national borders, making friends with people i couldn’t communicate with. i opened my heart to it all. and i fell in love with myself. for the first time. i fell in love with how completely i embraced my freedom and coupled it with my drive, my passions. that is what young forever is about. it’s about the struggle but the continued commitment to the state of mind that once you’re free - once you embraced that childlike state of being - you can achieve so much happiness. 

which brings us to now - how do i connect to the song now? much in the same way that i did before. carrying these emotions connected to this song so deeply into adulthood has been incredibly touching. i’ve matured with bangtan. from 2015 to now. i’ve only grown in how i embrace my youth. sure, i have to conform at times, play the adult, but the motto “dream, hope, keep going.” that’s what i live by. nothing can change that for me now. i’m still fucking lost, but i’m running like hell. i have my setbacks, my demons, my challenges, but i’ve never been so fucking free. that’s young forever for me. thank you for reading my story. 

song breakdown:

musically: something i truly love about young forever is that it’s really atypical in how it flows musically and the entire structure of the song. it’s creativity run wild - it’s a story and build. and i love that. it starts off slow, soft, with a sweet sadness. the highlight isn’t the backing track, it’s the honey rap voices. it’s absolutely perfect. understated and building. with each new voice that comes in the beat speeds up. it’s like running. which is fitting. because the story in the song is that of bangtan. the lyrics say it, the boys are worried - worried about how well they’ve done, when they’ll stop gaining success, concerned that all of this life will end, wondering who they are in this - the performance the journey. they are quite literally running towards their dreams. we see this in the song lyrically. 

once the chorus comes, we need an increased speed in the beat and the song picks up with the chanting of the mantra. “forever, we are young.” us together, bangtan and ARMY. the song fades into the beautiful clapping beat, the refrains of dream, hope, keep going. musically the song is beautifully understated in a way that can only draw out the listeners’ emotions and highlight the charged encouraging lyrics. the story here is clear and only more illuminated by the musical choices. 

vocally: young forever is such a treat. it’s a rap heavy song, but not in a way that takes away from the beautiful second half of the song which is full of beautiful vocal line refrains and ad libs. it’s a chant song. a comfort song. and perhaps that’s why it’s stuck with me for all these years as one of my ultimate favorite BTS songs. 

when the song begins we are greet by namjoon’s beautiful low rap register. he delivers the rap melodically slow. you can appreciate the way his voice carries emotion and the tempo of the beginning story, of the emotional journey the song embarks upon. following namjoon’s beautiful voice is yoongi. who assumes a slower rap style initially. he has a few parts where he treats us to shout rapping as well - which give us kind of a pleading emotion - we can hear his lament for the pressure placed upon him as he stands in the spotlight. finally, rapline is rounded out by hoseok - i’m gonna say it - this is one of hoseok’s best slow verses. he offers his usual spicy tone, giving the trap style endings to each line. the emotion hits it’s peak with the punch tones and hoseok’s strong committment to his lines expressing his desires, his drive. 

the second half of the song is dominated by the beautiful tones of vocal line. taehyung leads us into the chorus with his beautiful deep register, followed by jungkook’s high tones. the juxtaposition of their voices coupled by jin and backed by jimin’s beautiful melodies is absolutely stunning. rapline takes turns coming in with the refrain “dream, hope, keep going.” all of this mixed together is simply stunning. it’s like hope in vocal form. we have the low and the highs, the singing voices and the speaking refrains. most devastatingly is jimin’s forever ever ever - piercing the background of the song. highlighting the longing - the conviction - to youth - the spirit of it, the beauty of it. the chant portion of the song is also what makes this song so devastating to hear live. everyone comes in, blends together and makes the message resonate completely. 

lyrically: here. we. go. a DEEP DIVE. i think firstly, it’s important to start with the fact that we have a song, young forever, that was released as the epilogue to two devastating HYYH albums. HYYH was the epitome of youth themed albums. it encapsulated everything we associate typically with youth. love songs, songs about pain, songs about healing, songs about not being enough, songs about our dreams, songs about being lonely... it’s all there. both the beauty of youth and the beautiful pain of youth dominate HYYH pt. 1 and HYYH pt. 2. then, those messages, those themes, were sealed with epilogue: young forever. why? well, my feeling is this is bangtan’s way of leaving us with the reality that youth isn’t something that’s fleeting. it’s not an age or state in time. it’s something we carry within. it’s how we approach the things we confront in our lives, how we live and move forward through adversity towards our passions and dreams. 

now - with that out of the way it’s time to dissect some lyrics. there’s quite a lot here in the three rap verses so i truly hope to do them justice. 

namjoon’s verse starts like a story, “the curtain falls” the end of a performance, often used as metaphor for the end of a certain point in one’s life. “the curtain falls and i’m out of breath / i get mixed feelings as i breathe out” clearly the chapter that’s closing for him has been an exhausting one, but he’s not sure about moving forward even though now he has the time to finally reflect and see what he wants next. to me, this speaks directly to where bangtan was at this point in their career. they’d been through the bullshit - the trainee days, the ridicule, the exclusion from the typical korean music system... they’d made it. I NEED U had one awards, RUN did as well, 2016 bangtan had begun to see the fruit of their labor pay off - but with that, what’s next. where do they climb next? what’s to come? there’s that feeling of unease for namjoon. “did I make any mistakes today? / how did the audience seem?” are the next lines, bringing in that sense of reflection. even though now he can breathe - he worries, what’s his impact, how do people feel about what he’s given them, did he have shortcomings? these thoughts flood in and set the mood for the next steps forward. these questions only become more as the pressure continues. the next and final three lines of namjoon’s verse group well together and offer us much more hope that the foreboding in the start of the verse: “i’m happy with who i’ve become / that i can make someone scream with joy / still excited from the performance.” the peace in these final lines, it’s kind of like the rest of the song - starting with the hardship, the unease, what must or has been overcome - mellowing out to realization that things will keep going on. namjoon is at peace with where is at the end of this chapter, he is glad he can stand on this stage bringing smiles to faces, and finally - the buzz of just being able to do music, that remains with him through all of the constant pressure. something about these lines, they’re beautiful.

just like that, yoongi’s verse begins. he provides the same metaphor to the listener. he is standing on an empty stage. the performance is over. the chapter is closing. HYYH is becoming the past for BTS. the struggles, will they be over too as they move forward with their progressing careers? “i stand on the empty stage while holding onto an aftertaste that will not linger for long” he begins - he knows that the high of this moment, the place they’ve reached in this time... it can’t be forever, the emotions of it all are beginning to fade into something else. he then moves on to offer some more insight into how he feels about that unknown of moving on: “while standing on this empty stage, i become afraid of this unpleasant emptiness.” this line seems telling to me - yoongi is someone that gets a lot from recognition, achievement, sharing his works with others. leaving the stage, moving away from this performance moment... it’s hard on him... he feels empty, his moment, his purpose - they’re over... at least for now. the anxiety seeps in. “within my suffocating feelings / on top of my life’s line” he starts to try and explain deeper his emotions, suffocation, a feeling of panic, likely anxiety or pressure induced. what’s next? will it demand more? he’s on top of his life’s line - he feels like he’s reaching his peak, not knowing where to go next, plateau? down? yoongi then lodges into almost a picture perfect description of what society can make us do in moments of pressure where we are feeling anxiety or panic - “without a reason, i forcibly act that i am fine / this isn’t the first time, i better get used to it” he’s going to put on a strong face, suppress how he really feels because at some point there could be another audience, he remains on the stage even if the curtains have closed. he forces himself to do so, and it’s a habitual thing for him. it sounds like truly this is habitual for yoongi - really needing to mask his fear, his panic, his anxiety for the sake of those watching. it tears me up, because it seems like he also knows that this will continue in his future. and the he realizes that keeping the mask on, it’s not something he’s able to do or perhaps interested in doing “i try to hide it, but i can’t.” the final lines of his verse leave us with some unease - they’re unclear - but perhaps they’re speaking to the fact that performing won’t be his forever... “when the heat of the show cools down / i leave the empty seats behind,” so at some point -- the excitement, the hype, it will be gone... those who want to see him, they’ll be gone too, and he’ll move on to what is next. or perhaps this could allude to the fact that the pressure of those watching goes away and he will finally feel comfortable? there’s a lot here. a lot left up and open.

and finally we round out rapline with hoseok’s verse - which leads us into the chorus and refrains. the first three lines of hoseok’s part go hand in hand with one another - they’re a natural progress of coping with one’s emotions and situation: “trying to comfort myself / i tell myself the world can’t be perfect / i start to let myself go.” the chapter is closing and hoseok is trying to tell himself, it’ll be okay. almost like listening to the song young forever - seeking comfort. a home. realizing that things aren’t always going to go his way, he can’t have this moment forever, and sometimes things are going to be ups and downs... the final line is perhaps the most startling, letting oneself go. realizing that there’s some pieces of yourself that are okay to let go, whatever is holding you back, keeping you stuck, sometimes we need to shed that to go forward with the youthful exploration that keeps life invigorating and exciting. or perhaps hoseok is thinking about the day in which he will let “j-hope” go and just be hoseok, without a stage in the traditional sense. “the thundering applause, i can’t own it forever” he moves on saying that this life won’t be his forever, at some point he will need to move on - realize that this moment is down, lose himself to it, and see what is next. yet - even with this knowledge hoseok continues “i tell myself, so shameless / raise your voice higher” it seems that there’s a conflict he’s facing - letting this moment go or screaming as loud as he can to hold onto it, and shamelessly so - letting go of all the constructed norms for how he should behave. perhaps, holding onto his YOUTH even as he grows older in age and should grow away from a youthful mentality. he is raising his voice and hopefully pushing forwards, perhaps just away from this stage and onto an even larger one. it seems this is the case “even if the attention isn’t forever, i’ll keep singing” he states. he will hold onto his passion, keep moving forwards with his music, his voice, his connection to whatever it is that wants to be connected to him - because this is his very soul and being. finally - hoseok closes out his verse “as today’s me, i want eternity / forever, i want to be young.” it seems that hoseok is choosing to be who he is at this moment, his youthful self, as long as he goes on. he will leave this version of himself, this beautiful, loving, hopeful version of himself as his mark on the earth for eternity. 

moving into the chorus we have the iconic title line “forever we are young” which to me, it’s about taking youth forward with you in all that you do. taking your passion, your drive, your love, your hope -- pouring it into all that you do and not letting the outside spoil you and take that from you. keeping your passions and running towards them. that’s the core of the message in young forever. 

jungkook then croons “under the flower petals raining down / i run, so lost in this maze” bringing us to think about how seasons change - flower petals can fall because of their abundance but also because they we are moving into winter. either way, the analogy of flowers is hopeful to me. blossoms on trees - the return in time. not the same blossoms, but just as beautiful as the previous ones. perhaps he’s speaking to the fact that the blossoms are falling now as the chapter is ending - which leads into the feeling of lost, of being in a maze... but the reality is, the flowers will come again. the can come again. so long as they keep running - there’s a chance for this beautiful moment to happen once again. that’s youth. perhaps you have your ups and downs, your moments in the sun (your spring days) and your cold days... but keep running, keep your energy, dream, hope, keep going. and you can return. 

jin then offers the other refrain “even when i fall and hurt myself / i endlessly run toward my dream.” THIS is youth. this is it. that almost stupid attitude of not recognizing when you’re down and out... not recognizing when perhaps you should stop. turning up the energy at your weakest point even when authority is telling you to let it go. this is the essence of youthful hope and energy. even if they’ve failed, even at their lowest point, they’re cementing that they won’t stop until they achieve their dreams. once again. dream. hope. keep going. just keep fucking going. 

finally the other refrain that is repeated throughout the chorus: dream. hope. forward. forward. is the direct translation. but, many would say it’s dream. hope. keep going. this is youth. our dreams, childish and pure. our hope, what we pour into ourselves, what we surround ourselves with - the light that keeps us going. and then constantly moving forward continuing even when our odds look bad. this shit resonates. bangtan did it. they dreamed, 7 boys at a small company. they hoped, holding onto one another, working hard, baby steps forward. they kept going. no matter the ridicule, the setbacks, they pushed forward. these words - they mean the world to me as i’ve pushed through shit in my life. i’m only where i am today because i, by some miracle, internalized this youthful mantra. allowing myself to dream, those moments of hope, pushing forward no matter what. that’s youth. that’s young forever. 

performance: well this is shaping up to be quite a long post. i want to discuss both the MV and how live performances typically proceed. i’ve also attached to this post my personal video of young forever at the HYYH: the epilogue tour in macau. sorry for my screaming in advance. 

MV: the MV is really interesting for the HYYH universe, although the same could be said for save me, which is technically in the universe... BUT the fact that the MV steps away from the storylines and almost takes us into the minds of the characters bangtan is playing is an interesting choice. we start off the video with the boys in a chain-linked fence maze, wandering around, and flashbacks for each of there characters. the overall aesthetic of the video fits with the lyrics and these feelings of uncertainty... the feeling of being lost... wandering from phase to phase in life. early on we see a scene of yoongi burning photos from the HYYH era - truly this song is about death to the past a new beginnings, overcoming the past but moving forward with the pieces of you that are important. the highlighting of the text “꿈 희망 전진 전진” or dream, hope, keep going - making it the mantra of the song. keep moving, keep running. almost it seems like the characters are running away from their demons as well. the members running off into the sunset together? it’s all about endings. new beginnings. but taking them on with determination and an attitude of childlike awe, glee, dreams, and determination. 

performance: we’ve all seen the iconic wembley performance. we’ve probably all cried over it more than once. maybe it’s your comfort video? maybe it’s secretly mine (ha!). i can tell you, experiencing this song live... there’s really nothing like it. it’s understated. there’s no dance. nothing like that. 

in the performances - namjoon appears alone in a starlight stage with the lyrics scrawling on a screen behind him. the lights are all dark, deep blue tones everywhere, it feels dreamy. the entire crowd is brought into a dream like state. it’s fitting, its absolutely fitting and incredibly stunning. yoongi then appears to namjoon’s left and hoseok to his right to be spotlighted for their respective verses. the emotion is everywhere. the song is even more incredible with a live band. you cannot imagine it. the chorus arrives with a change in vibe, a beautiful sunset is projected and the vocal line appears from the floor. all of the members stand shoulder to shoulder and belt the chorus and refrain. and you would not believe how devastatingly beautiful it is to hear ARMY shouting along. forever we are young. kkum, huimang, jeonjin, jeonjin. shouting together. again and again. clapping with one another. waving ARMY bombs. it’s completely emotional. i cried. i cried on the strangers next to me, that didn’t speak my language. there is nothing like it. 

i must also note, the concert i was at we were all distributed lightsticks and banners with 꿈 희망 전진 전진 written on them. this song has been important since it released. it’s the core of bangtan’s rise. it is so important to these boys. and to many of us fans as well.

now - a word about what happened at wembley. bangtan had no idea that ARMY would sing young forever TO them. at WEMBLEY. fans who likely do not speak korean. chanting their mantra to them “kkum, huimang, jeonjin, jeonjin” and singing “foreverrrrr we are younnnnng” and saying they will keep going. they will walk their journey towards their dreams. something about that, it’s incredibly toughing. you and i cannot imagine how that must have felt for bangtan. the moment must have been completely surreal. one of the world’s largest stages, playing one of the most meaningful songs of their careers - a song meant to memorialize their climb to fame, their accomplishments, their youth that they likely felt the LOST during this climb to where they are now. jimin himself said that night “this song. wow. this song helped me a lot when things were really hard.” young forever means so very much to bangtan. it always has. and their fans chose that very song. we chose that song (rather we were there or not). it’s our mantra too. whatever we go through, we are on this journey, and we are not alone. we are not alone. we can muster the strength to carry on with that same youthful zeal for life. watching that video... it’s moving. it’s completely incredible. to be a part of this journey... just wow. 

tl;dr: in conclusion... young forever is one of the BTS songs that has the most touching meanings, and it came at a very delicate time in their career. a time when they were finally getting the recognition they deserved and sought for a long time. a time when they were pivoting from “young” to “young adult.” a time when they likely struggled with a loss of their youth. all of this... it’s powerful because it’s not alien for those of us normal people. we all feel this. i’ve felt it as i’ve gone through tough shit and came out the other side changed, only to have to find my way through the maze and back to myself. youth and being young, it’s a state of mind. i think bangtan sincerely know and believe this. that’s what makes the song and the message it carries so incredibly powerful. so meaningful to us all. thanks for reading yet again. 

[bangtanblurbs]

abyss

song: abyss by jin

first experience: as a relatively new song, i remember clearly abyss’ drop. 12/2/2020 - several months into whatever quarantine had come to mean by that point, thanksgiving had just past and christmas was coming up in a matter of weeks. those few weeks between the holidays often pass by in a blur for me. holidays are hard. they’re not the romantic times they always were when i was a child. once again i’d been sitting at home in my tiny studio apartment, freezing, trying to crank through work and school obligations. i can assure you my headspace was less than great, between the cold, the holiday season, the deadlines that had piled up... abyss dropping was the perfect medicine for how i was feeling. 

feelings: when i listen to abyss i can’t help but feel emotional. of course. naturally the accompanying note that came with abyss was heartbreaking enough. but at the same time, the song feels like home. it feels like walking into my apartment after a long day and slipping into my favorite hoodie that desperately needs to be thrown into the wash. the familiar feeling brings about warmth despite the sobering reality that i’m still here, by myself, slipping into my ratty clothing and climbing into bed to disassociate from the self-hatred, stress, obligation, and grief i carry daily. the reality is, listening to abyss is like listening to my inner voice. i’m not saying i understand jin, or any of the shit he’s obviously gone through and dealt with in his very colorful life, but i feel close to him whenever i put the song on. i feel like as i grow older - i grow into myself - i grow into the pain i’ve harbored for years now. while i sometimes feel like i’m drowning in the abyss, at least i have the comfort that my feelings aren’t as alien as they seem. especially for someone who has been fortunate in life in many ways - this song shows me that i’m still *allowed* to hurt. i’m still allowed to carry my pain and feel it flow through me. 

i must also say, that my heart broke many times know that jin feels the emotions that abyss conveys. the self-doubt, the anxiety... how we all must wish we could wash it away. i only hope with all of my heart that he’s been given time, space, and resources to process his emotions fully. i can’t imagine carrying what he’s carrying and having the schedule he has. bless. 

personal connection: as alluded to, i’m not the most stable person. i can post happy photos online, i can breathe my idealism into others, i can love with the full capacity of my heart - but i have plenty of demons. i’m not sure where they came from, i noticed them around the time i became a teenager - that sinking feeling that all aspects of my existence are ugly, undesirable, annoying. these demons have never gone away. no matter how much i strive for my dreams, no matter what i accomplish, the amount of solitude that exists in my life allows for the cracks in my heart to rip open forcefully. 

it’s this very thinking that limits me. i don’t believe in myself. i don’t really believe in anything if i’m being honest. everything feels dark. there’s ups and downs. much how jin describes in the song - i desperately want to be a part of a more vibrant existence. i deeply want to connect with others, but the anxiety, the self doubt, the hatred i harbor, they’re paralyzing. simple tasks - texting a friend to make plans, following through with plans, speaking in a group setting, advocating for myself, they’re all things i’d rather shut the door on. vulnerability? i can’t open myself up for any more pain. in my mind, i’d rather retreat to the darkness, convincing myself i’m not worthy of taking another’s time, space, efforts. and i get overwhelmed, the feelings that jin is describing perfectly - having someone take an interest in me - having someone show me love... it feels false, it takes my breath away, only makes me question more. it makes me wonder how long i’ll indulge them before i push them away and move to my own abyss. 

in abyss jin isn’t even talking about another person. he’s speaking to himself. there’s not a romantic or even friendship he’s speaking of in the song. it’s more about like - is it okay for me to feel happy or hopeful? am i someone who should be allowed to meet happiness? this is something i relate to even more profoundly than the previously mentioned worries over letting new people into my life. ever since i went off to university from my kinda shitty hometown i wondered... is this life something i’m allowed to have for myself? am i worthy of it? did i do anything to deserve the place i’m at? i feel often like my work, my thoughts, my actions -- they’re not enough to place me in some of the places i’ve been lucky enough to have a seat. these doubts can cripple me with inaction and keep me chained to the present, or at the very least held back from progress and moving forward. these feelings were exactly what i was going through in december. do i deserve to be pursuing my phd? am i worthy? i haven’t accomplished near what my peers have, and i probably never will... i’m not as passionate as the others i pass by in the hallways, those i share a floor with at meetings... i’m a shell compared to them. should i retreat to my abyss rather than continue to occupy space where i don’t feel i’m allowed to be? am i allowed to celebrate and feel happiness when i’m not really doing as well as i could be?

obviously this sounds like whining, it sounds pathetic. and perhaps to someone it is, but it’s the reality of my mind. it’s something i bear and it’s something i’m finally okay sharing with others. i don’t know how to overcome these emotions i harbor - but that feeling of feeling most comfortable in my abyss, in the dark, in the little world i’ve created in my lonely haven... that’s my reality. that’s the feeling that i’ve connected to when i listen to abyss. it’s those moments when you look our your window, at your phone, and you see the outside world moving rapidly in the sunlight, and you can’t help but feel you don’t deserve to be a part of it... you can’t help but know that your true place is in the abyss. the pleasure i receive from escaping reality is unexplainable. and sometimes, it’s pleasure in the fact that i’m punishing myself, putting myself in the dark and ugly place i think i truly belong. that abyss - it’s my haven. it’s my sanctuary. 

song breakdown:

musically: abyss is beautifully understated musically, but not in a way that makes it a stripped vocal song... but instead in a way that highlights the emotion laden in jin’s voice. the piano backing picks up with the song and brings in some effects along the way to highlight the emotional pauses between the heavy lyrics. its the perfect ballad. truly. the incorporation of a steady beat track at the second verse also ads to the emotions of feeling like something is dragging, the monotony of these emotions as one carries through each day. 

the dramatic pauses that lead into the verses and highlight the pure emotion carried in jin’s tone also bring emphasis to the powerful refrain in the chorus - it’s almost reminiscent of personal realizations, personal *epiphanies* one might say. that moment where you draw in a big breath and gulp it down before confronting your demons. while the track keeps it’s steady pace, it does what it should for this piece - highlights the beauty of jin’s voice, and carries the weight of the emotions in the lyrics. 

vocally: honestly, just wow. jin’s voice, is absolutely stunning in this song. completely breathtaking in the best kind of way. i say this with nothing but complete respect - jin’s vocals have done nothing but improve and grow in strength over time to the complete crisp perfection they are today. the amount of emotion he carries in his tone is also perfect to deliver such a profound ballad as abyss. i hope he knows that we can feel every ounce of truth and healing he put into the song. 

we all know jin is the high note king, but he honestly ops for more of a storytelling vibe in this song, keeping within his lower register throughout the verses. it really isn’t until we are mid-chorus that we get the breathtaking high note during the line “ 잠기고 싶어 가보고 싶어.” this is perhaps the most profound lyric of the chorus as well, since it’s the moment in which jin expresses a desire. most of the lyrics up to that point explain a state of being, his emotions, but at this point - he is almost calling out his desire. his painful desire. to stay lost within in his abyss. it’s painful and stunningly beautiful at the same time.

the genius of the entire song was jin delivering abyss in a way that we don’t always hear him sing in BTS songs. the buttery smoothness of his voice is on full display, with no need to stay in his high register for long we can really hear the weight in his tone, the pleading in his voice, the sincerity. it’s sobering, and it’s powerful. and i must say, i can’t wait to get more songs like this from jin in the future. i hope he continues to share his heart, his voice, and his talent with us. 

lyrically: oh man. this one is a deep cut. you can really feel jin’s voice throughout the lyrics of abyss. the accompanying note that he released with the song brings a lot of context and understanding to the lyrics. in the note jin explains feeling inadequate and insecure in light of the amazing accomplishments that BTS had made over the years, specifically highlighting the #1 on Billboard Hot 100. he explains that he felt like his passion and talents were lacking compared to others in music, and felt undeserving of the love, joy, and recognition he received. his emotions seem to be similar to those of imposter syndrome, feeling like he doesn’t belong in a space he inhabits and actually receives accolades for existing within. what’s more telling is in this note jin expresses his apprehension to share these sadder emotions he harbors. this song is so incredibly raw for being a place in which jin finally found a space in which to express his feelings, let them run freely and beautifully without the concern that he needed to stay strong for ARMY.

to jump right into a closer analysis of the lyrics - the song begins with a story like vibe. the first lyric “i hold my breath as i walk into my sea” brings about the image of the speaker (i apologize in advance if i alternate between speaker and jin) beginning their descent into deeper waters of the ocean. the speaker is bracing for this though, as they are the one propelling it forward with enough pacing to prepare and hold their breath. to me, this is alluding to jin knowing that he’s falling into a darker space in his mind, consciously allowing himself to slip into that space. he then moves into describing his state “i face myself who is crying beautifully and sorrowfully.” jin is describing that he’s taking account of his state, speaking to himself and seeing the distraught state that exists within his mind -- seeping into his outer appearance. 

the pre-chorus moves into a different vibe, jin addresses the duality in himself. he recognizes both the parts of himself that are strong - that can shoulder and carry the parts of him that are deeply broken and sad. “myself in that darkness / i’d like to go find him and tell him” this is jin speaking with clarity to his broken self, his rationality coming through to speak to the parts of him that are insecure and hurting. “that i’d like to know more about you today, yeah” perhaps this is jin’s way of saying that he wishes he understood himself better, that he wishes he could more confidently identify the emotions he was feeling and process them fully. the pre-chorus in my mind is jin using some clarity to check in with himself and take inventory of his state when he’s in his darkest moments.

the chorus picks up and delivers a few devastatingly beautiful and sobering lines. “still, i remain with myself / with my voice unable to come out, i just circle around him.” this is where we see the ultimate conclusion of the engagement in the pre-chorus... jin’s insecurity and pain keeps his strength from winning out. the duality in his being still exists, but in this moment it’s the pain, the insecurity, the feelings of inadequacy that have won out. “that dark place, / i’d like to be submerged in it, i’d like to go to it / i’ll be there” jin then places us back into the story he started in the beginning of the song - he’s submerged in the abyss, the darkest and deepest point of the ocean. he speaks to taking the time to really feel the emotions that he is harboring, causing him pain. while this could be a conscious decision he is making to better understand and process his emotions it’s also likely that this desire is rooted in self-loathing, a desire to self-punish for his perceived shortcomings. the pleasure that sometimes one can gain from fully feeling pain that they believe they deserve. the line about being submerged also brings about the image of an anchor in my mind - like these emotions are weighing jin down. while anchors may sink slowly (like slowly taking a breath and walking into the sea) they’re hard to pull back up -- they want to stay seated to the ground, where they belong to do their job. perhaps jin is in some ways alluding to this. either way, the chorus is about a desire to remain in the dark place, where it feels safe, where he feels he deserves to be. the final line is “today as well, i circle around you again.” which brings us back to the pre-chorus dialogue between jin’s duality - the part of him that may rationally understand that he deserves love, that he works hard, that he is worthy... but yet this part can’t seem to gain control over the darker feelings within him... so there’s this idling, this perpetual circle of inaction. 

moving into the second verse this interaction occurring within jin’s inner being continues. “the closer i get to you, the more breathless i become and the father away you feel” while this line is a bit more difficult for me to completely understand what i think he is speaking to is that as he begins to think he understands his emotions, when he thinks he might be regaining his confidence he realizes he is only scratching the surface. he realizes that there’s more to his darker emotions than he’d initially thought. perhaps he thought he was just having a bad day or feeling in funk, but then he realizes that there’s a piece of him that he doesn’t quite understand and perhaps isn’t ready to understand as the word “breathless” invokes a feeling of overwhelm. the second and closing line of the verse is “wouldn’t it be that you went deeper into the sea, yeah” invoking that these darker emotions only continue to grow, evolve, and perhaps overwhelm. he feels like he can’t quite pull himself out of the place he’s in, no matter what he tries. 

the pre-chrous as analyzed above then repeats, although the meaning is somewhat different when following the second verse. this is because the nature of the second verse is more hopeless in nature, therefore while jin would like to be able to regain some control over these darker feelings -- he’s just expressed that as he tries he finds it more overwhelming and difficult. finds himself moving further into the dark emotions. 

the final chorus is different that the previous - the lyrics change and while they continue a deeply sorrowful theme, they also bring about some hope. the first line, “still, i remain with you” is telling. jin is reminding himself that even if he feels consumed by these emotions, the other components of him still exist. he isn’t just the darker feelings that have taken precedence. he can have his confidence when he’s ready, he can maintain his duality. all aspects of jin, even if he’s feeling broken. “with my voice unable to come out, i just circle around him.” even if he feels he can’t gain control of these emotions, he can be patient with himself, he can know that there’s the potential that he can overcome, but also he knows that it’s okay in this moment to just feel. “that dark place / i’d like to be submerged in it, i’d like to go to it” this line is re-emphasizing jin’s desire to stay in the place where he feels comfortable, where he can feel his darker emotions, where he things he truly deserves to be. “today as well, like this, i close my eyes to get to you.” this is the final line of the song and it delivers a sense of comfort. no matter what, jin knows that he can be at peace - he may have these darker emotions, but he can close his eyes, he can rest and carry all aspects of his emotional state. the dark, the light, the highs and the lows. he can take his time in the abyss when he needs to. 

tl;dr? abyss is one of those songs that anyone who has struggled with self-doubt, dabbled or dipped fully into self-hatred can identify with. many people i’m sure have their own abyss. their own place in their mind where they’d like to lock themselves in - a prison of their own design that in one way might be one’s punishment for their perceived shortcomings, but also can be a paradise when a beautiful being seemingly undeserved reality feels like too much to bear. jin’s artistry both in terms of lyrics and vocals are on full display in the song - showing his amazing range and delivering a piece full of emotional tones. abyss is a stunning piece of the man’s mind and heart that i am extremely grateful to be able to experience. 

[bangtanblurbs]

love is not over

song: love is not over (full length edition)

first experience: what do we qualify as the first experience? the release in HYYH pt. 1 or the full length release on young forever? with almost a year in between the releases timing does bring about different memories for me. 

the 2015 release of HYYH pt. 1 found me a few weeks after a rather terrifying trip to the emergency room with a diagnosis that would forever change my life - the way i live physically and emotionally. this album was the first album i experienced as ARMY. i found BTS through I NEED U, and quickly devoured the HYYH pt. 1 album in may. love is not over was a track that immediately stuck with me. i remember laying in the grass of my university quad, outside my dorm building, soaking in the sun - putting it on and smelling the spring air. it was tremendously comforting for me. i didn’t immediately look for a lyric translation, i didn’t feel like i needed it. i felt every emotion through the song without even knowing it’s true intended meaning. hindsight - i wish i had looked up those lyrics. 

as for the full edition release in 2016, i was actually working in macau at time time as a researcher. i’d been there for about two weeks when young forever dropped. i have the funniest story about me running through the streets of hong kong, completely lost, in mad pursuit of the physical copy of the album. that is for another day though. (also plenty of fun stories of attending the HYYH epilogue concert in macau - i’ll include my horrible video of love is not over from the concert as well). i was so happy to see an extended version of love is not over on the album - i never could have imagined or anticipated it... it was such a delight. having the extended version was almost like what getting young forever was to bookending the saga of HYYH pt. 1 and HYYH pt. 2. i associate this song heavily with my experiences falling in love with macau, falling in love with myself in a way i hadn’t before, and falling head over heels with the world. a very difference first experience considering the low place i was in with the original release. 

it is important to note that the extended version of the song adds in the rap verses for all of rapline, and offers us a very different conclusion than the original release (which was a source for debate among 2015 army for it’s place in the larger HYYH saga and the interesting *jibberish* at the ending of the song, more on this in the lyrics section). 

feelings: lyrically, love is not over is a breakup song. it’s that kind of song where the singer is begging their significant other not to leave, not to say goodbye. it’s the kind of song you listen to after you get dumped. you’re devastated, the other person seemed perfect... whatever comes next for you, you can’t imagine that person not being a part of it. love becomes nothing but pain in that moment. you lament it. you beg for love to fade and fall away. but... in some ways it’s not. to me, in my view the song is also about one’s relationship with themselves. or at least i see it that way. the song isn’t so much about this one specific girl -- it’s about love in general -- it’s about how they’re upset at the fact that love is always pain for them, it’s goodbye after goodbye, there’s no stability, there’s nothing but pain. i’ll make this point in the lyrics section more clear.

it’s this very point that makes the song resonate with me. at this point in my life, and even now, goodbyes terrify me. i carry the baggage of years of goodbyes, those that were intentional and those that happened for reasons outside of my control. they’re damaging. they make you start to see love as pain. why let others in? why love? what’s the point if it’s all going to end abruptly. you’re left with grief, broken dreams, despair. i’ve been through even more at this point in my life than i had when i first heard love is not over. i should be hardened by the pain i’ve felt over the years. yet - i am not. not completely. i haven’t let bitterness taint me completely. 

strangely, when i listen to love is not over, i can’t help but feel in love - the beat - something about the pure R&B sound of it, it’s the perfect build and smoothness, it sounds like what love would sound like (if in fact emotions could become sound waves). the beat is calming and smooth, never loud, never melancholy. the song makes me feel, once again, comforted - like even though i’m hardened, even though love is pain, even though it has the capacity to hurt, it’s not over - and it’s still an emotion that i long to feel and express to those who inevitably come into my life. the song makes think about how i’ll always have the capacity to love and accept love. even if there’s moments i go through where i want to scream that love is dead - i know it’s not, i know that i’ll always love again. 

personal connection: i probably relate to this song in a way that very few others do. maybe i’m interpreting it differently, or perhaps it’s because for me, the song doesn’t map neatly onto a life experience for me - yet i still love it dearly and it’s brought me immense comfort. it’s not a song i cry to with the thoughts of a past relationship in mind. it’s more about my internal discoveries and my relationship with how i love, express love to others, and how i experience and process rejection and change in my life. 

for me, listening to love is not over brings me to a point where i’ve realize that despite being a hopeless romantic i’m a complete cynic. i’ve taken all the personality tests, i know my star sign... among all of that i can tell you i am deeply idealistic and i live inside my head where i build fantasy worlds and scenarios, where i romance everything. i fall in love with the world around me one-hundred times a day. i’m deeply in love with my friends that i hold dearly close to me. yet, and probably because of these visions of grandeur, i’m often let down. i expect the fantastic, and when things fall short i’m hurt. to make matters worse i’m a deep devotee to the church of self-loathing. i know it’s all my fault that i put so much love and care into everything around me, everyone around me, so when things fail, when inevitably the goodbye comes, i place the blame squarely on my shoulders. 

at the point that the extended version of this song came out i was in the process of falling in love with the very world around me. i was out of the US, experiencing something so new and foreign for me. a place that i quickly took in. a place that changed me, made me so much better. healed me to a point where i could leave a toxic relationship - without fearing that goodbye - the goodbye i feared far more was leaving macau, heading back to the states to start my masters degree. i wasn’t in macau for a long time but that experience, i fell in love so many times. not with people per say, but with feelings, with my surroundings, with a slower way of life. when it came time to say goodbye, it was like breaking up with a new life for me. i felt pain. i almost wished i hadn’t experienced a life where i was so happy - only to go back to a world where i had to confront the reality that was my life. the tatters i’d left back in atlanta.

when i came back home things weren’t as i’d left them. i was returning to do my master’s degree at the same institution where i received my four year undergraduate degree. nobody was there that had previously been. i felt abandoned, i felt alone, the love i had in my heart both for a foreign place that was now out of reach, but also for the friends that my university had previously held, hurt. it was pain. i longed and yearned for those places, times, and people yet again. so much so that i hurt myself in the process. i spent nights alone with my wine bottles and emotions. it took a while to get out of the place i was in, but i did in fact love again - love wasn’t over. i learned to fall in love with new people, fall in love with the old in a new way, fall in love with my dreams. for me, love is not over is almost like the story of learning to love yourself, learning to love how you love. and not just in a romantic way, but how you love more generally. if the song were meant to only speak to intense romantic relationships why would namjoon’s verse allude to the shallowness of the relationship at the heart of the song? for me -- i’m still learning how to get back up when love becomes pain, how to recover from putting love into the world and not always receving it back. love is not over. it’s a process. it’s always with me, even if it’s not always returned. even if it’s not always right. it’s there. 

song breakdown

musically: i would like to make the assertion that the full length edition of love is not over is one of bangtan’s best songs. every member’s performance shines through, it’s a perfect dramatic ballad song but the rap verses perfectly complement the perfection of the vocal line portions of the song. 

the slow and soft start with the piano - it fits the mood of the lyrics perfectly. the way in which the harmonies work together to highlight the emotions of the song. stunning. the introduction of the drum beat at the chorus and the R&B undertrack that runs from the chorus through the rap verses is soothing ~ it picks up the mood completely, infusing the song with hope. the playful beats throughout hoseok’s verse which go in time with “stop” and “dot” it’s complete genius. the melodic backing track that picks up with yoongi’s verse is unexpected but completely complements his increased rap pace. the return to the slow for the bridge as we get the upper-ranges of vocal line... it’s hard to put into words how *perfectly* produced this song is. and -- produced by jungkook. i believe this is his first producing credit, and what a song for it to be. it’s genius in every way. in the outro: version of the song jin is also credited in production and songwriting. it seems that this duo are R&B geniuses along with slow rabbit.

the smooth pick up of the beat - it’s classic R&B at its very very very BEST. the asian style is not something to be skipped as well. there’s clear elements that are echoed throughout the entire HYYH series. the song feels old school, nostalgic for some kind of 90s R&B but with the new twist to it. it fits the mood completely, wishing and longing for something that is now in the past. the song builds around the choruses and in the rap verses, expertly moving the emotions of the song along. much like the song is kind of about the ups and downs of love, the loss and the hope, the ugly and the beauty, the music matches this with it’s changes in tempo and sound. but it’s not overwhelming at all. love is not over is smooth - incredibly so - and it is the kind of song you can put on when you’re down, when you’re up... something about that makes it a complete masterpiece and a never skip.

vocally: i don’t have too much to say here other than love is not over is an OT7 song that showcases the talents of both rap and vocal line beautifully and equally. the balance in the song is one of my very favorite aspects of it. it’s not heavy on either side - we get the raps and we get the beautiful crooning - it’s a masterpiece in songwriting and production. it’s a masterpiece in performance. jungkook’s beautiful higher range is showcased in the opening of the piece and leads off the chorus and is felt throughout with adlibs. taehyung’s velvet lower register often follows jungkook in a beautiful contrast - offering us a soulful sultry sound. then jimin and jin take over and moves the song into the chrous with their beautiful high-registesr.  jimin builds the prechorus with power, which then is sung line by line and beautifully with all four voices complementing one another. vocal line harmonizes with one another throughout the song - offering plenty of stunning ad libs as well. 

rapline brings emotion and pain to the song with slower tempo raps in the second verse, started by namjoon and concluded by hoseok. namjoon’s gentle rap voice delivers a sense of understanding and comfort. meanwhile hoseok follows him up with a soulful rap, playing with the beat and building into a pleading tone at the end of his verse. the final rap verse is then taken by yoongi - he starts off slow and building to a more quick rap pace, adding in more emotion and bleeding in to jungkook’s crisp delivery of a modified bridge/final chrous. both jimin and jungkook provide several heavenly high notes throughout and the piece is ended with the solemn repetition of love is not over. it’s stunning, the vocals for all members truly shine in love is not over - there is no dominance, and the song makes for the perfect showcase of the group’s total talent. 

lyrically: jungkook is listed as the primary songwriter for love is not over, but he was assisted by jin, pdogg, slow rabbit, and rapline contributed their own raps. i think it’s important to note because jungkook was only 18 at the time of the full length release, and even younger likely when he wrote the song. impressive. 

now - onto pulling this masterpiece apart completey. 

the slow and beautiful start to love is not over is grounded in a feeling of time passing, time flowing, as one sits through a “long night” that they can’t seem to escape. offering us both a headspace we’ve all been familiar with - sitting alone in your room late at night pondering life - and a feeling of something quite dark, the long night that going through a hard time can feel like. the lyrics then move to ask “why are you getting farther away? / so far that i can’t reach you?” these lines are clearly calling out to someone that was at one point very close with the speaker - a lover, perhaps a close friend, an emotion, a past identity... the options can be endless. it’s like as in the previous line, time is fading away, everything is going dark, and so is the relationship at the heart of the song. the song then asks “can’t you see me in your eyes anymore?” the line almost begging, what has changed, why am i no longer someone you consider, no longer someone you’d like to have in your space? in your view? it’s crushing. the speaker can sense the relationship and the other pulling away, their once held affections and desire melting away to darkness - to a lack of presence. 

the song then moves into the chorus - almost a chantlike chorus which brings more emphasis and importance to the words. the lines begin: “love is so painful / goodbyes are even more painful.” beautifully outlining that opening oneself up to love, that vulnerability, it hurts - and when loves walks away from you, when the goodbye comes inevitably it’s even more crushing than the initial feelings of fear, anxiety, the nakedness that comes along with falling into love. “i can’t go on if you’re not here / love me, love me / come back to my arms” the speaker begs, pleads, feels completely powerless losing something so precious. when juxtaposed with the title of the song - love is not over - you begin to wonder, perhaps these words are just that? they’re words. there’s ultimately a piece of understanding that love is worth the pain and struggle, there is a hopefulness to this song, but we can’t find it in the chours.

the piece then moves into namjoon’s rap - lyrically powerful and delivered with nothing but raw emotion. he starts off telling an intimate story “you said goodbye to me / every night before i went to bed” emphasizing the closeness of the subject to him -- “i hated that even more than dying / it feels like this night is the end of you and me.” he laments those goodbyes, he’d rather have stayed in those beautiful moments, full of love, full of promise. instead things have gone dark and they’re ending now - the longest night has begun, with a simple “goodbye.” despite having emphasizing the closeness of the subject to him, namjoon then calls into question that “i don’t know you, you didn’t know me” perhaps he says this as an explanation, if they’d truly known one another then they’d have worked things out. made it all okay again. there’d have been no goodbye. it’s the realization that perhaps he’d been in love with someone he’d create in his head all along. he then moves along to say “you’re like hello and goodbye / at my beginning and my end / there” emphasizing that things with the subject had been up and down, all over the place, bliss and pain. this goes back to the statement about love being pain, it’s something the speaker wants desperately, yet it’s causing them pain? thus emphasizing the volatility and absolute confusion that happens to our emotions when they’re tangled up within another.

hoseok’s verse follows with its own beat and style. he emphasizes the separation in the first two lines “everything stopped like our red light / stop” and “nothing more to say, it ends with my tears / dot.” clearly he is drawing a line here, there’s no need for any more interaction between the two. it’s over. which in many ways contrasts with the begging nature of the choruses. which leans me to be inclined to think that this song is more about being in love with the emotion of love, a yearning for the emotion and feeling of love rather than a specific person that didn’t even know you. hoseok continues “i’m not okay i repeat this denial / recite, if you can recite my mind” asking the subject to recognize his emotions, his feelings towards concluding their relationship. “you are my endless love and my girl” the verse finishes out. bringing us back to the true story at hand, but not taking us away from the idea of wanting love for the overall feeling of love rather than for a specific person. 

the chorus repeats once again, then we are brought to yoongi’s verse. the emotion builds both in the sound of the song but also lyrically. hope is infused throughout this verse following strongly after more sad toned lyrics previously. he starts off “i always smile at you / even the love is a tragedy for me.” this line makes me think that the speaker recognizes that even if things are falling apart, there was something beautiful about being able to feel at all. that’s a major theme throughout the HYYH series. feeling, experiencing, not necessarily for the sake of others, but for the sake of exercising your youth, for growing, strengthening and building yourself. this part of life is the perfect time for it. “i always cry after it’s over / farewell even though it’s a comedy for you.” yoongi recognizes that the other party doesn’t carry the same emotions as him, it’s completely the oppostie for them. “yes nothing is everlasting / i live without you even i feel like dying” while not exactly hopeful, this line does contrast with the other lines about not being able to go on - yoongi specifically uses the word “live” he goes on, life goes on, he will continue to experience and it is at this point in the song where the first utterance of the song title is made. “over, over, love is not over” emphasizing that even if this is over, love lives on. it might be pain, it might be an unpleasant emotion, but it continues. finally yoongi ends his verse with a plead “please take me out of this endless maze” signifying that he finds the interactions with this particular type of love, or person, or moment in his life confusing and disorienting. but the thing is, mazes have exits - there’s a change he’ll find his way out and onto whatever is next. 

the chrous repeats one more time before the song in concluded with the beautiful chants of “love is not over, over, over” flipping the way in which yoongi uttered the line - ending with the word over. offering hope to the listener. the chant urging the speaker to believe their own words. there is a change, love is not over. it will happen again and again - “over and over” as the lyrics provide through the repetition of the lyrics. it’s understated but it’s a powerful message of hope, cycles, and avoidance of a true end. 

performance: you can easily find live performances of love is not over, most notably from the EPILOGUE in JAPAN concert. i also attended the HYYH EPILOGUE concert, but in macau back in 2016. i was really fortunate to experience love is not over performed live. i’ve uploaded the video here for you all the enjoy. please don’t mind any screaming you hear, i was clearly beside myself. i remember the emotions i felt hearing the song live - the vocals were pristine, the emotion in each voice was on display, the stripped down live band backing was beautiful. everything about the performance screamed emotion.

all seven bangtan members were seated on stools, dressed in black jeans and white blouses. behind the members a beautiful HYYH logo was lit up with the signature chain-link fence print. the beautiful understated nature of the performance amongst a sea of high-energy performances including baepsae, save me, I NEED U, and fire... the contrast was enough to make every ARMY at the show completely transfixed. did i cry? maybe. did i cry with a strange girl i’d met off of twitter only hours earlier? ...okay i’ll be honest - i really did. the song is powerful just as a track on an album, but experiencing it live, or even just watching the performance on youtube -- it’s powerful. the talents of these men are on full display, both rap and vocal line are able to highlight their abilities beautifully. 

tl;dr: love is not over is beautiful. it’s an earlier bangtan song, and it’s earned its place as a complete classic R&B bop. the sounds of each member’s voice, the lyrics, they’re melodic and soothing. the song is about heartbreak, but the interpretations in the context of the greater HYYH saga make it hopeful. love is something we often associate with youth. falling in love with others, ourselves, and our world - it can be painful... especially when we’re young and we realize that things aren’t always as we percieve them to be. but it’s all a part of learning. we will love again, and love isn’t over. it’s a cycle. 

[bangtanblurbs]

dis-ease 병

song: dis-ease by BTs

first experience: my first experience with dis-ease was the very night the BE dropped. i was just chillin in my apartment giving the album a full listen through, dis-ease came on after telepathy. the beat hit and i was immediately in love with the old-school sound. it was just after midnight (on a thursday evening) and i was wrapping up a long week of attempted research and writing. preparing to drive home for the holiday (against all my best judgement given the pandemic). the first listen i did of dis-ease was lyric-less, i had absolutely no clue what the song was really about... i just knew that the song was written by hoseok with namjoon, jimin, and yoongi. and immediately i felt the throwback 90′s style rap come through the track with an upbeat tone and an kick-ass bridge. little did i know - the song would lyrically be perhaps the most relatable track on BE for me.

feelings: after several listens through, many side by side with the lyrics, and the context of j-hope’s interviews on the writing process for dis-ease i found myself feeling SEEN. ever since the pandemic hit i’ve found myself terribly unmotivated, in more ways that just in terms of my professional life. i also feel unmotivated interpersonally. it’s just as hoseok starts the song - i could sleep all day. deep down i really just wish i could run away from literally *any* responsibility i have. i feel weak, sick, almost because i can’t muster the motivation i need to move forward with any of the things that i should be concerned with in my life. it made me feel immensely comforted to know that it’s not just me, but also BTS, with whom i’ve walked through live with since late 2014. i’m not the only one struggling to wake up each day and continue to be a part of the capitalist machine. i’m not the only one who just wishes they could get rid of the anxiety that they carry around when they’re not actively working towards a goal. i’m not the only one that can’t take a break without feeling guilty. 

therefore, i’d sum up my emotions for dis-ease as the following -- immensely comforted but the song also brought forward a moment for my to analyze my inaction, my stagnation, and the consequent anxiety, self-hatred, and guilt that have resulted. 

personal experience: i suppose a bit of context about me is necessary to really understand my connection to dis-ease and why i’ve spent so much time ruminating on the song. currently i’m in my 3rd year of my phd, i’ve been in university now for over 8 years. i’m burnt out. i do school full time, i also work for my school, everything is school school school. it requires a lot of self-dedication and drive. neither of which i have anymore. i started out with a dream, i really hit the ground hard. but as time goes on, i find myself withdrawn. perhaps it is general depression, perhaps it has something to do with needing a break, or maybe it’s that i feel like an imposter as an outsider in the ivory tower. do i really belong here? what if it’s that i never even had the ability or talent in the first place. the pandemic hit, and since i was already feeling some of those emotions, they were amplified. i live alone, and every day has been a process of waking up, whenever the hell i want, and trying to force myself to work (on a self-guided schedule with very little accountability checks). 

dis-ease perfectly sums up how i’ve felt in this period of isolation. as someone that required external sources of motivation to keep my progress up towards my phd, sitting at home has left me falling behind, craving the hours which i am asleep, having anxiety to the point where opening my work causes intense panic, and crippling guilt for allowing myself space to breathe. i feel ill. where was the bright eyed girl that i was when i started this journey? the girl that would have used this time to keep pushing towards her goals. instead she’s sitting in her pajamas sending yet another tweet hoping to connect with someone, anyone. 

while this is something i’ll break down more in the lyrics analysis -- it’s the system, it’s the way we’ve been socialized, the pressure and guilt that capitalism has led us all to carry. the very minutes of our lives, the passion we carry, it’s commodified. time is money they say? well, what is your time when you can’t spend it any other way that sitting in your home, which has become your office? the pandemic has only magnified the ills of capitalism. the very *disease* of capitalism. the cure? i’m not sure who has it. but for me, listening to dis-ease, knowing i’m not alone, knowing that 7 of the most successful people in this world are also feeling the same way -- that’s something. i’m still learning to cope with my demons through the pandemic (and i suppose even outside of it), but i’m also learning to ground myself in the reality that while i might have issues, so much of why myself, and others, are experiencing these emotions are because of an unrelenting social/economic/political system that dehumanizes us all and commodifies our most human emotions and motivators. 

the reality of dis-ease is that it brings me an immense amount of hope. the lyrics can be so profound and describe such a dark feeling, but yet at the end you’re left feeling comforted and like you can break through and fight whatever it is that’s holding you back from working and reaching your goals. every time i come back to dis-ease i’m more energized, given strength, even if only temporary to examine what is in front of me and face it. as a chronic over-thinker, dis-ease just *gets me.*

song breakdown

musically: where. to. start. at the beginning i suppose? the song opens with a very 90s throwback sound. muffled step beat. usher in a few more beats and the song picks up. it’s upbeat, not necessary happy, but like the beat almost brings to mind the vibe of someone walking down a street, or a car chugging along in traffic. the pre-chrous is then ushered in with fewer beats, highlighting vocal line’s talents. once the chorus hits the beat drops again and we’re treated to record scratching and ad-libs from hoseok. it’s infectious, more upbeat - almost like moving from the monotony and into a breakthrough. the lyrics almost follow this trend as well. moving from the lament to understanding. like “this situation is very shitty” then “well, it’s the disease, that i have and that society has.” this is the genius of production in this song, the beat leads in very well with the sentiment of the lyrics. as we reach the bridge there’s a more positive tone to the lyrics - almost like a breaking away from the chains of this disease that the members carry.

the bridge. dis-ease’s song structure and sound is already unique, and the bridge is no different. this is the point where there’s a shift in the sound as well as the lyrics. the beat changes completely, allows space to highlight the stunning higher ranges of vocal line. we see a slow start with the beat and then it picks up, sounding like a heartbeat, like adrenaline -- accompanying the hopeful lyrics this makes complete sense. the bridge offers the listener the idea that while we’re all a part of this truly wrecked system, that we’re probably feeling stagnant and unmotivated -- we can overcome. we can move forward. we can push against it and move back to the passion and energy that drove us in the beginning. 

much of the song has that “hope world” feeling throughout it. that distinct 90s sound that hoseok is well known for. it is also important to note the happy upbeat the juxtaposes with the heavy content of the lyrics. there’s some other interesting sounds throughout the song such as the coffee cup shaking as hoseok delivers lines about coffee ~ lots of very creative and artistic musical choices have been made to deliver dis-ease.

vocally: well, obviously dis-ease is a masterpiece vocally. while rapline take the bulk of the line distribution delivering the verses., vocal line shines as well, delivering one of the most unique and stunning bridges and infectious choruses. the song starts out with a long verse delivered by hoseok in was i would call his *signature* rap style, soothing - almost like talk rap with swapped tones to rhyme seamlessly. he also mixes in his typical mumble rap style - with several uhs to bring out the true flow and rhythm of the beat. this style is perfect for dis-ease because it brings to mind the casualness of discussing one’s personal problems with a close friend. it’s soothing yet attention catching to bring the listener into the song. 

the chorus - as mentioned - is perfection. it’s ushered in with taehyung’s sweet register and rounded out by the entire vocal line taking small lines to frame one another with each unique tone. the end of the chorus is brought about with hoseok’s playful tone meshing with the record scratching - dropping another upbeat 90s nostalgic sound.

namjoon offers us another smooth verse, bringing about some very profound lyrics and word play (more on this soon!) and speeding up to a melodic rhythm towards the end of the verse. he plays of the beat in a genius way, bringing in his backing vocals to highlight profound pauses in between wisdom laden lines. much like the song the slow start building to a faster pace has something to say about the way in which we work through our own days, our own lives, and our own problems. perhaps we’re slow to start but eventually we get to a point where we have to hustle. this verse then is ended out with a classic yoongi rap. yoongi’s rap remains fast in pace throughout - he takes one small break mid-verse to offer us some mumble-rap almost bracketing. which almost feels like those moments when we stop and question ourselves. the pacing of the verse is notable as it follows up namjoon’s slow to fast build and escalates the rap pace once again. lyrically, yoongi’s verse is also genius and fits this speed in its lyrical tone (as he begins to talk about frustrations with the social system of capitalism - the upbeat nature fits with almost an attitude of fighting or flouting this system). overall - this verse is perfection. pure rap perfection.

now - that epic bridge... ushered in my the upper ranges of jungkook and jimin - is heavenly. it’s a contrast to the rap heavy track. the beat completely changes to a nice smooth bass drop - highlighting the beautiful high notes of each member of vocal line ~ jin then brings us into the second half of the bridge with crisp perfection. jungkook and taehyung bring strength in as the lyrics pick up a hopeful and combative tone. the final chrous has renewed energy with more brassy tones in the music - it almost becomes a type of chant. i would spend more time with the bridge but to be honest, i’m still processing. every piece of it is perfection and the build of the song leads us to this point ~ in which the tone matches an incredible lyric change and overall tone shift of the song. 

lyrically: this took a while for me to type out. i have so many feelings and thoughts about dis-ease lyrically. not only is the song full of the raw emotions of hoseok, namjoon, yoongi, and jimin - but it’s also full of commentary on the capitalist system’s impact on us as emotional beings. to start with, the very title of the track *dis-ease* the opposite of ease. the song literally means both uneasiness, but also like a illness of being uneasy, being unsettled. meaning the feeling of a chronic lack of calm. *i think it’s important to note that hoseok is listed as the main writer for dis-ease in many locations, but for this purpose i will use they because i do know that many of the ideas and themes of dis-ease are felt by all members and more than just hoseok did contribute to the writing of the song.

in hoseok’s starting verse he starts us off with what seems to be the start of a day (or at least it seems he has just woken up), he’s reaching for coffee - hoping to rid himself of some anxiety. the act of something so mundane and typical, it feels familiar - the start to a routine that’ll help get him going to producing something. he then starts into the line “happiness suddenly comes towards me uncomfortably” -- he’s feeling guilty for feeling happy and satisfied. he understands that perhaps he’s not in a position to feel happy - as he takes account of what he needs to accomplish in the next 24 hours. this likely leads him to feeling exhausted, overwhelmed - “i could sleep all day but there’s still no problem” which i’d interpret to be that he wants to escape his problems, escape the pressure but also the fact that there’s nothing *physically* wrong with him, so he’s feeling even more guilt for the exhaustion he carries. “i think i should work till my body breaks / i’m the damn guy who eats three meals a day” -- he recognizes that he’s living well, has much to be thankful for, but for some reason he just can’t seem to bring himself to spill out the effort that society begs him to, or that he has pressured himself to expect. this brings us back to capitalistic thinking - if there’s nothing wrong with you, why aren’t you commodifying all of your time? if you’re not hustling you’re wrong. that mentality seems to haunt hoseok. “i’m depending on results every day,” hoseok understands that he’s putting significant pressure on himself “damn if i fail” he wants to just keep going and he won’t accept failure at this point. “insecurity, this is a disease” he recognizes that something isn’t right with the feelings he has... the feeling of wanting to keep going and achieve but being guilty, exhausted, and trapped in a cycle of struggling with his motivation, dreams, and overall wellbeing. i think this verse also deals with the struggles of perfectionism -- hoseok wants to produce at the same quality he always has, even though he’s experiencing extreme circumstances that are impacting his ability to do so negatively. he can’t let go of the chains pressuring him to continue to strive for his dreams. 

the pre-chorus -- starting out with such a profound line as “i’m sick, yeah, because i think too much” you know it’s going to deliver. dis-ease is clearly taking on the mental struggles of anxiety, depression, guilt. “i’m childish but not that simple” the song is dealing with the fact that people likely just brush off the issues that they are having as being *childish* or unimportant and that they should simply grow up and move on from them, do what they need to do regardless of what they’re shouldering. “i’m just young, only my body’s grown” - in many way this embodies the essence of many BTS songs - speaking to keeping our youth and cherishing it. perhaps this is acknowledging that while they adults, they’re revolting against the notion that they have to just carry the pain that they’re *expected to* just “limping” through life. the line “one for the laugh, two for the show” calls back to several other BTS songs, but typically it’s one for the money. perhaps this is moving away from that notion since at this point for BTS they’ve moved past concerns about money and more towards others expectations for content and their own personal dreams. they’re looking for happiness at this point, but they’re also putting on a show to all of us. it’s a part of the pressure cycle - they’re unable to show us these low points, this disease that they’re living with -- instead much of what they display is just that, a show. “just like i’m so fine” once again, they’re putting on a display that everything is *fine*

then the song moves into the chorus - “every day i comfort myself” they are acknowledging that they have found the strength to carry on through the feelings of anxiety and pressure. they are able to tell themselves whatever they need to in order to continue carrying one. “they’re all the same people, ain’t so special” acknowledges that other people are going through the very same feelings, others are carrying the same feelings. this harkens back to the themes of capitalism creating these ills inside many of us, this system that has led us all to feel this pressure. but, at the same time it almost has the delegitimizing tone to it, which then we get the line “ay man keep one, two step” telling us just to carry on - keep going. which then ties into the post-chorus where we see the line “throw away my fear” encouraging moving past the anxiety and concerns over the day to day grind, the need to produce and always be at top production, giving out even when we’re at our lowest point. the repetition of the pattern “one two” is calming -- just do what you need to to get through this, repeat whatever process it is that calms you, helps you keep going. it’s like counting yourself through things --> day by day.

namjoon’s verse give us some deep cuts, getting more into the underlying anti-capitalist themes of the song. he starts out by criticizing those that make statements encouraging us to look at our jobs with love an affection, like our attitudes are all that need to change for us to see our jobs as vacation. he uses clever word play in which he uses the korean double meaning of “ill” - breaking down how he’s both *sick* and how he has himself become the very job that he works. it’s like he’s speaking to the idea of working so hard that you lose yourself completely to the job that you’re doing. this is likely something that BTS can relate with more than the average person, as their entire lives have become something commodified. every single move they make is looked upon, what they wear, what they say, where they go - it all becomes a trend. the carefulness they have to live their lives is a part of their job. when they choose to produce art - it’s a job now, no longer is namjoon freestyling when he’d like to - he must produce on a schedule. he has become the job. “the friend called ‘rest’ oh, i never liked him,” namjoon is noting that he’s never at a place where he feels he can rest. he is always climbing towards whatever is next for him, unsettled far too much to take a break and rest. there’s more word play in namjoon’s verse as he uses the double meaning of byeong, meaning both bottle and disease - “this glass bottle hits your head” noting that the disease is like being attacked, he feels like he is being beaten by the very demons inside his head. he then moves into touching on the system being broken “is the world sick or am i sick?” but at the same time referencing the unprecedented pandemic we are facing in COVID-19. perhaps it’s both - namjoon is expericing the dis-ease that hoseok laid out in the first verse but so are *many* others. it’s the fallout of the sympton. humans, full of emotion and dreams, we were never meant to live in a way that removed us from our passions and feelings - yet we do. every day our time, our bodies, our thoughts are commodified for what? money? this calls back to the earlier line “how much do you have to earn to be happy?” the sickness is, that the world has socialized us to think that earnings will make us happy, when in reality we are stuck in a system that makes it incredibly difficult to be happy no matter how much we earn at any point in time. 

moving into yoongi’s portion of the verse we see more of this theme - the noting of a system that is broken and sick. he begins by discussing how nobody in mankind is free of disease - we’ve all been struck with it. he notes that mankind is “inherently evil” but yet that none of us fit neatly into the categories of mental diseases that have been identified. recognizing that we are all shouldering something unique. this does somewhat contradict the chorus line “ain’t so special” but in that way it just makes me conclude that the chorus is speaking more to the fact that we aren’t special in the fact that we are all being subjected to a broken and sick system -- we aren’t special in that regard BUT what we are each going through is special, we don’t all fit one mold in how we respond to this system. yoongi asks namjoon’s question again “is the world sick or am i sick?” emphasizing again that this isn’t just something that one or two people are going through, and that there are systemic factors that have led to many feeling these intense emotions around motivation, anxiety, depression, being forced to work through their pain and down times. yoongi then ends his verse with “i don’t know, changing myself is faster than looking at people differently” - indicating that he sees the solution not as conforming or excepting the situation but looking inside himself for what direction to go in next. this tracks with much of yoongi’s other works in which he encourages the listener to look inside themselves for their answers to whatever it is they are facing. it brings me back to pieces like never mind where he encourages people to ignore what is outside and do what they need to do for themselves - likely because yoongi finds society and the systems of organization that govern them (i.e. capitalism, social class) to be broken and inherently flawed. he would like to choose to live outside of them.

finally -- we get to the bridge -- lyrically the bridge is infusing hope into the song. the sentiment moves away from the lament over the system and the disease that they are living with and towards a solution, or at the very least, their solution. the iconic “sick and tired, through the fire” part brings back the idea of having to just push through the pain, push through whatever it is causing them to feel unmotivated. “but i don’t wanna mess up / ‘cause life goes on” yet another reference to the perfectionism that they carry - not wanting to let anyone down, including themselves as life continues on. between the lines “i’ll walk more like who i am” and “and trust my old self again” are reminiscent of hoseok’s mantra trust myself -- which we hear in EGO. these lines bring back the idea that whatever *they* need to do to get through the disease and continue towards their dreams, to break the cycle of doubt, guilt, and inaction. this is encouraging every individual to take themselves and whatever they may be facing seriously, do what they need to do to overcome and move forward. the entire bridge seems to deal with the process of lulling oneself to sleep with the mantra of i’ll trust myself and tomorrow might be something different - “when the night comes, i’ll close my eyes / and trust my old self again / now wake up one more time / it’s morning again, i have to be myself today” putting on a brave face, and looking for strength within oneself might be difficult but the hope is in that “no one knows what’ll be at the end” and that “no night lasts forever” therefore, there is hope that things could change - it could be as simple as looking inside for what you need, turning back to the clock to who you were when the demons weren’t as strong as they are in this moment. at the emotional and musical peak of the bridge the line hits “i’ve become stronger / the firework sparks / i will never fade away.” even if one may have the disease, one day it’ll be overcome. that’s the message that we are to end the song with -- that it may seem difficult to overcome insecurity, guilt, depression, social pressure... but that we have the tools to do it with concerted effort to get where we need to be. specifically they are speaking to the need to overcome whatever fear they are carrying, “throw away the fear” which could be fear of failure or fear of the future - either way, they seem determined to do just that and want to speak it into being through the words of dis-ease. 

tl;dr: dis-ease is yet another masterpiece for bangtan. the lyrics are readily relatable for nearly anyone, as we all struggle in short or long terms with the “illness” being spoken to in the song. it’s not just something that we’re experiencing because of the pandemic, these feelings are ills caused by a larger exploitive system - one that has no regard for human emotions an human aspects of existence. and on that note - i just hope one day we can hear dis-ease live. that’s all! 

[bangtanblurbs]

blue side *special post*

song: blue side - full version, by j-hope

first experience: would we consider the release of blue side, the full version the first experience, or listening to the version from hope world? either way, with hope world, i know i was listening after returning back to DC from ATL following spring break of my first year in my phd program. i was feeling all kinds of heavy, and turning on hopeworld i felt both uplifted and seen at the same time. for an album to carry a track like blue side, along with piece of peace, and then bangers like hangsang and daydream was a lot for me to process but the album instantly became something i listened to all the time. that year was really hard for me - i’d moved away from home, i wasn’t fitting in, i was questioning my abilities, my intelligence, i was so insanely depressed. it was eating away at me, and hope world dropped, making me feel more peace than i’d felt since i had moved. i am still so thankful for that.

feelings: i have so many. obviously, that’s why i had to make a blog for these things. there’s no way i could talk this out with anyone in a normal conversation. also i’d forget everything in my head. hoseok is my comfort idol. i feel very close to him emotionally. maybe it’s because he left gwangju for the big city, he fought like hell and made his way. meanwhile i left a small town and fought like hell, and am trying to make my way. he’s my role model as much as he is my comfort. blue side though, there’s something about it that hits. the lyrics, the sound, it all is about a desire for what existed before - before complicating things with my dreams. leaving the comfort of the familiar, the easy, the known, and making my way in the unknown to chase what i think “home” is supposed to be. sure, things are easier on the *blue side* but without running away from it, would i really burn as bright as a blue flame? give off the warmth that the strongest flame (blue) does? it’s like a double meaning, blue is the innocence and simplicity of the known and the easy, perhaps youth, perhaps home... but also blue is the hottest flame, even if it comes just before a fire dies and burns out, it is still the most significant - the hottest, it’s worth the chase to have this high. 

like hoseok - i feel lonely - this song also deals with the loneliness of walking away from the known, the home. and i relate with it. but the color and the vibrancy of what’s knew, it’s not always so terrible. it’s funny, as i listen to blue side, i think of wildflowers by dolly parton. a song about how we all carry a nostalgia for whatever home is, whatever was simple and easy before we lost our innocence and moved on to adulthood... but the reality is, no matter how bad we want to go back - home doesn’t exist anymore in the way that we remember it. we’ve warped the idea of home and this earlier perfection in our heads. we’ve burned it. as we became strong blue flames, the past was also burnt up and changed. that’s how i feel when i visit home, it’s not what i romanticize when i’m away. and no matter what i always feel dejected, foreign, and alone. but even so, i’m burning bright. i’m *back to blue side* but not in the way of going back to a prior easiness and innocence, instead in the way of being bright and warm, offering others something new and improved. 

personal experience: since the full song just released and i’ve already played in hundreds of times, perhaps i’ll talk about the present and how i will certainly remember this release in the context of where i am now in my life. it’s now been a whole year of the COVID-19 pandemic, a year where i’d really hoped to *find* myself after two years of my phd program continuing to make me feel lost and completely inadequate. the crippling depression, anxiety, and doubt that i carried since moving the DC is still with me, but before COVID-19 hit i had finally - in many ways - made peace with my life. i’d found some energy for my studies and future. things had been looking up. but since the pandemic, i’ve felt much of those feelings creep back in. slowly but surely my demons returned. 

when i turned on blue side for the first time, the same emotions ran through me... a longing for simplicity, a longing for a time when my mind and heart weren’t constantly running, a time when i hadn’t complicated the future i wanted for myself. a longing not to be alone. immediately when i listened to the song i saw my painting of jo march’s monologue in the 2019 adaptation: “women have minds and souls as well as hearts, ambition and talent as well as beauty and i’m sick of being told that love is all a woman is fit for. but... i am so lonely.” while this has absolutely nothing to do with blue side - my mind went there. how life would be simple if i’d abided by the simple life that was destined for me growing up in a small town. i’d have fallen in love, taken a job without much thought, everything would have been easy, i’d never be lonely and the questions and complications of my dreams would be far away (or would they? this version of home is likely fabricated --- see above). as the quote says, she wants to have everything, but in pursuing her dreams she found tremendous loneliness. the blue side, that period of innocence though, perhaps it has it’s own demons as well. there’s the lonliness, the pressure, and the challenges of burning for your dreams as well though - and that’s where i am, that’s also what hoseok is speaking too. i’m not sure right now what exactly i’m longing for. perhaps it’s not the past, perhaps it’s a complete reimagining of my future as the uncertainty of the pandemic continues to play out... either way, there’s a blue side in my mind i *do* long for, a side of innocence and peace - where i can be content with myself and what i’m doing with my time, my thoughts, my energy. i truly hope i can go back to *that* blue side. 

although i’m not sure when that will be, listening to blue side makes me feel that i’m not alone. others relate to this song, it’s message, and obviously it came from hoseok’s very heart. we aren’t alone. those of us that leave all that we knew, leave our innocence and homes in the past - we can forge ahead and become bright and give off warmth to others. hopefully we can sustain the blue fine inside ourselves - much like hoseok. or hopefully there’s a blue side in our minds we can visit when we need respite. 

song breakdown

musically: blue side isn’t the type of track one would have ever anticipated from hoseok unless they’ve really listened to a lot of his interviews and content - where he shows his several dimensions and facets of his personality. hoseok is deeply emotional (not just a sunshine all the time) and his mind has a haunting edge of seriousness, loneliness, and longing to it. the tone of the song, the beat, it’s very soft. not sad, but relaxing, almost bringing in this numb feeling to it. there’s a lo-fi sound to it. as soon as it comes on the listener should feel a sense of calm. you cannot listen to blue side without just feeling mellow. it’s healing despite the darker lyrical content. 

vocally: jung honey vocals hoseok. a combination of singing and smooth rap dominate blue side. ARMY may be unfamiliar with hoseok’s gorgeous singing voice, but they won’t be now. hoseok displays his emotion up front in his whisper singing. it’s almost like he’s telling himself like “just calm down now, it’s okay to retreat to a place where you feel safe.” his rapping voice takes on the same calm demeanor, delivering almost a lullaby to the listener - perhaps hoseok knew that the message of blue side would be one that all of us could resonate deeply with and wanted to ensure that when we listened to it, it was like having a conversation with a friend about feeling nostalgic and yearning for a version of yourself that doesn’t exist anymore. 

lyrically: while we don’t know everything hoseok has gone through, we don’t know what exactly inspired blue side, we were lucky enough to receive a note with the extended version of blue side. hoseok states that when looks back at when he was writing hope world he feels he was a very innocent boy. he was coloring in the man he is today, and he stated that sometimes he truly misses who he was in the past, his innocence and the simplicity of that time. perhaps he’s speaking to the early days of BTS, or even before BTS, or perhaps just before he knew some of the hardships that come along with growing old (which growing old is something he also mentions in the note). hoseok also specifically references a growing homesickness that he’s felt as time has passed. a homesickness for who he used to be. before things picked up and pressure started. 

in the first verse of blue side we are confronted with just this narrative. hoseok states “everything changed between us, i shout alone” - he feels like he’s left who he was completely and now he’s alone, that younger version of his isn’t something he carries with him anymore. it’s something though that he’d like the return to. that “time when i didn’t know anything” a time of innocence and ignorance. a time without problems and stressors. unlike today. 

the chorus is very simple - in haunting and beautiful j-hope fashion - hoseok chants “back to blue side” and it’s almost like this is a return to simplicity. in simply saying what he wants and not complicating it, the juxtaposition with the choruses is quite profound. 

the next verse is more tricky, it’s like a daydream (something that hoseok seems to do often - he’s got a whole song about it). it’s almost like hoseok feels like he can transport himself to that previous state he rides “the wind in the sky to that place in this moment, blue” and he states that it’s “now comforting my heart, blue” then the meaning of blue seems to change as we move into the following verse... hoseok is clearly speaking of making music when he says he “spits out my pains in the dark” he’s sharing his pain, all that he’s carrying with him. he “wanted to walk the blue road, on the rainbow” at this point it seems like the blue side is almost shifting to be his dreams (perhaps the blue side is something he’s nostalgic about but also he’s nostalgic for the version of his dreams that he imagined back when he was innocent and conceived of fame differently than the reality). he’s “singing my blues, singing my bloom, back in my room” alluding to pain that he carries now and the pain that he carried then - while different - it was present in both... but he’d prefer the pain of the past because “i was blue with light breaths” he had some reprieve, whereas now he doesn’t feel like he has the same. 

the closure of the third verse is probably the most contentious lyric in the song. “but now i just want to burn blue and die.” likely because this is a dark lyric for someone with the public image that “j-hope” has. specifically i use j-hope here, as hoseok has been very candid in explaining that who he is on stage and in public isn’t entirely him and isn’t his whole being. while he is j-hope, j-hope is not completely him. part of me wants to go for the easy pickings and say that hoseok wishes sometimes that he could almost kill this persona, and return to simpler times when he got to be hoseok. or perhaps this is his way of saying he wants to share more of hoseok with us, rather than this polished image he’s created which is exhausting and feels alien next to the boy he was during the *blue side* of his life. but i don’t think this is all. i think it’s also got something to do with burning blue, hitting his peak, getting to the point he wants to get to and riding it to wherever it takes him next - to whatever his identity will change to, killing/burning the past and bringing about a new blue side. i think this line is also alluding to the desire to having time to just open up his entire being a truly feel all of the pain and emotions that he’s had over time as he had to grow up quickly and focus hard on his dreams. 

finally - we get to the bridge. this is hoseok’s comforting message for all of us listening. hoseok’s dream has always been to provide others healing and comfort through his music, being able to do that is extremely important for him. the bridge brings that forward. i almost feel like this bridge is him acknowledging that that boy from the blue side still exists. the lines almost allude to us being with him in his “blue dream” he’s taken us there to “carry” and  “hug” us. perhaps he’s felt further away from this dream as fame has taken over, and now he wants to reassure his fans and those that appreciate his art that he hasn’t lost his innocence or heart completely - he will carry us to that place of nostalgia, innocence and purity to offer us comfort as well. “you might say i cannot, but i’ll put you in my arms” he will defy those who discredit his depth and realness and take us into his mind and bring us the comfort he wanted to supply us. 

BUT i also think this message is for himself. he will find away to carry who he is today back to his blue side, back to his period of innocence and purity. he hasn’t turned his back on who he was, he longs for that person more than ever and he’s determined to continue to carry who he is and who he was at the same time. while that’s not exactly the same as being in the blue side - it’s like being in a “blue dream” which can be enough to suffice for some time. 

tl;dr: blue side is a masterpiece. it’s a highlight for hoseok’s career. the depth of emotion conveyed in this piece is insane. hoseok offers up a level of vulnerability not often found in the music industry. he serves it packaged in a unique sounding song that offers the listener nothing but comfort and nostalgia (especially given that it is a reboot of an album that many of us hold dearly to our hearts). what’s even more beautiful about it is that likely many of us have our own blue side from when hope world was released, and perhaps we too are longing for the innocence and purity of that time... this song offers us solace in that we aren’t alone in this feeling. 

[bangtanblurbs]

intro: never mind

song: Intro: Never Mind

first experience: i remember when the Never Mind comeback trailer dropped - i was sitting in my dorm and it was absurdly late at night. i was preparing to go back home for the thanksgiving holiday and closing out what my university affectionately called “hell week” - a week in which nearly every class you’re taking schedules their final midterm exams and projects due in preparation to give you two weeks to study for finals. i was feeling really defeated. i’d decided to take on a really hard load of upper level economics courses that semester. i didn’t really care about school at this point. my grades were good, sure, but my motivation was completely shot. hearing yoongi’s voice, the emotion in it, it became almost like a mantra to me at that time. encouraging me to keep going. to make it through. day. by. day. i listened to the song on repeat so much as i pulled all-nighters in the library. it was my lifeline.

feelings/personal connection: as alluded to, this song for me - it’s pure pain, struggle, and perseverance. it’s full of spite, but not the kind that brings you down -- the kind that pushes you forward. for me, this song is the core of bangtan’s experience. they had to push through so much bullshit to get where they are. listening to never mind always has layered meaning for me. of course there’s the meanings associated with the struggles bangtan overcame, their dedication, yoongi’s story specifically too... turning on never mind and listening even without understanding the lyrics, you can hear that this is bangtan’s “we’re going to make it, we’re going to hold our head’s high and keep going. we are following our dreams, and with our conviction - nothing else matters” song. having been with bangtan for so long - seeing them fight like hell... this song is everything. known that they knew their worth even in 2015 when they weren’t getting the recognition they deserved and were being treated like absolute shit left and right. 

outside of the meaning for bangtan, this song strikes a core with me. growing up in a rural less than stellar suburb of west atlanta there weren’t many expectations for me - a young girl, pretty mediocre at everything she did. but i wanted a lot. i felt like an outcast in my community... i’m not sure how or why but everything i loved and fascinated was something my culture and community deemed strange. girls where i’m from, they get married before they’re 20, have kids before they’re 25... it’s all very linear. i wanted adventure, i wanted to think, stand on my own two feet. i wanted a lot for myself, things that nobody in my family wanted or understood. things that sometimes, they didn’t support. listening to never mind transported me back. i saw my teenage self struggling through my IB degree - fighting like hell to get into a good university - fighting like hell not to let that university swallow me up with temptations and malice. at the time of finding never mind i was in my third year of university. i felt like i was going to make it, but then what? never mind was my mantra - don’t give a shit, or a fuck, about those people at home. don’t care about the people at university who were rich, privileged beyond belief, and considered me stupid trash. i kept my head down and i ran. raising hell when i had to, fighting for myself.

even now, i’m an outsider in life. i’m pursing a phd - i’m living in a new city (washington DC)... i don’t belong here. i’m not the traditional type to walk this path. i come from a very modest background, my family never left the country, my parents never expected anything for my future. but i won’t mind them. things are hard, people question me, my mind, my thoughts, my identity, my legitimacy. and when it’s tough - i put on never mind and i shout with yoongi. nobody is holding me back anymore. i can see the light at the end of my journey, i will get there, and those that doubted me for any moment - never mind them. 

song breakdown

musically: there’s so much here. there. is. so. much. here. from the very start of the song with the crowd cheering - this brings about the notion that yes - BTS has made it *yoongi* has made it. they have fans, they perform in front of crowds, they’ve achieved something that those who didn’t support them thought they never would. the mic tapping, the screech, the coughing -- lets us know we’re about to get a story, something heartfelt. he’s nervous to share it. gathering confidence. (truly i feel like never mind is one of the first bangtan songs that speaks to the group’s PERSONAL experiences coming up in the industry) - it’s something new, something that they’re nervous to share, different from love songs and more traditional narratives that they typically share with us. the piano backs yoongi in the beginning, drums and a beat come in as the lyrics pick up - it’s understated, it lets you really focus in on the emotions in his voice. something about it is truly haunting. the beat picks up during the bridge and levels out to a nice calming tone as namjoon and hoseok come into bring in the chorus - the MANTRA - of the song “NEVER MIND, NEVER MIND”

vocally: it’s all rapline here. and it’s all emotion. from yoongi’s first breath, you know you’re going to be sent somewhere. he’s going to tell you a story. a deeply personal one. you can hear his change tones, he giggles at points where he needs to emphasize the fact that those who counted him out are finally proven wrong, they’re finally eating their words as he rises and meets his success. he speeds up the rap as the song goes on - it’s like running - the start is slow, labored, but over time it builds to a fantastic speed and bottoms out with even chanting. this is the story. these 7, yoongi among them, they started out slow, but damn they’re running by the time HYYH pt. 2 drops. they are running like hell - and they’re going to make it. the fact that hoseok and namjoon join in on the chorus is also telling -- perhaps yoongi added them on the track because without the three of them, they wouldn’t be living this journey, maybe he’d still be stuck at the pace he was running before. now they’re united - they can join together and fight those that held them back. hoseok brings his upbeat tone - namjoon brings his soul, and rapline completes the song together with yoongi uttering the final bars in a soft soothing voice - almost like he’s telling us, don’t mind those that hold you back either, we are here, you can do whatever it is you want as well. 

lyrically: i could give a three hour lecture about these lyrics. as we all know, never mind was written by yoongi. the song starts out offering us some insight into how yoongi continues on despite all the shit he deals with - “i only look forward and run” it’s almost like he’s offering us this advice as well, just focus on what’s in front of you and keep going. he talks first about his success, he’s finally “become the pride” of his family. but then he dives into the pains he’s overcome - acknowledging the common thought that “teenage years mess you up” (something with which we can likely all relate to - somehow those teenage years are when you’re the most insecure, and also the years when you usually take the most heat when it comes to deciding who you are and where you want to go with your life). yoongi remarks that the only thing that’s changed about himself is his height - i wonder if he feels the same now - and he speaks to the fact that his youth is something that he carries with himself into the present. it motivates him. it’s made him, him. yoongi had to overcome a lot of hardships, people telling him he would be the very demise of his family as he fought for his dream a music career. but he kept going - he says “i only lived how i wanted, guided by my own beliefs” and he taunts the listener who may have doubted his ability to make it “how do you think i’m doing now?” and states he wants “to ask the several people who prayed for me to screw up - does it seem like my home is going broke, you bastards?” this is the spite that yoongi carries. the pain. despite looking only forward and not being concerned with the haters - he acknowledges that he was outcasted because of it, he wants them to see that they were wrong, that they messed up in their evaluation of him. 

yoongi’s words move into the bridge - they continue their powerful message. he acknowledges that he’s failed, but because of his youth that he continues to carry he can pick himself up on it. “if you can’t return, go straight through your mistakes and forget them all. never mind.” he encourages us to do as he did, if you mess up - why carry it forward? just keep running forward never look back. 

yet yoongi maintains his humility through all of this. he acknowledges, letting the hate and doubt roll off of you, it isn’t easy -- “it’s not easy but engrave it onto your chest” (which jimin quite literally did - NEVERMIND - a reminder that he needs to hold his head high and keep going). yoongi continues to offer encouragement “if you feel you’re going to crash - then accelerate more, you idiot.” when you’re at your lowest - that’s when you really need to forget what the others said, go so fast and so hard you have no time to consider them and their ignorance. that is comfort. this song is nothing but pure comfort. 

the chorus brings in the thoughts that yeah, there’s a lot you can’t change - there’s thorns along the journey of life - but you have to keep going. especially when you carry your youth, your immaturity, don’t give up. just keep going. yoongi repeats several times “if you feel like you’re going to crash - then accelerate more, you idiot.” using the same insults and pain that they threw against him in likely a layered sense. first telling himself, he’s an idiot for ever moving closer to crashing, but also laughing and calling himself an idiot in the way those who doubted him did - he was an idiot for chasing a dream, but damn he’s overcome and he’s made it. 

performance: to be quite honest, it’s hard to find performance videos of never mind. i was lucky enough to see it live when i went to HYYH in macau - but i don’t have any footage of it. typically though it starts with the entire venue dark. a single light will come upon yoongi as he begins rapping in his hooded coat. either way - the performance starts with yoongi alone, much how the story in the lyrics starts. it’s haunting to see him - typically facing the back of the stage - rapping his heart out. it’s like he has to build up his confidence before turning around to bear himself and his emotions to crowd. as the bridge hits - the hood comes off. the confidence is there, hoseok and namjoon join on stage. the mood is generally one of encouragement. 

as for the comeback video - it’s remarkably profound for an animated video. the video starts with the butterfly, often symbolic of rebirth. resilience. then we get the animation of a boy, playing basketball, alone, feeling hopeless. lost in what seems to be a visual maze - reaching for the butterfly. an a microphone in chains. the boy begins to run during the bridge - just running along. the butterflies surround him. it’s like he’s chasing a moment for redemption and rebirth. running towards that moment that the catterpillar transforms into what it’s meant to me. just as yoongi tells us - run, run like hell towards who you’re meant to be. don’t look back. 

tl;dr: never mind is a masterpiece. it’s raw emotion. it’s one of the first songs where we really get a bangtan member spilling *their* life story, their struggles, with us in a song. it’s highly relatable - and while it’s yoongi’s story - it also feels like a letter of encouragement to all of those listening. turn away from those that doubt you and run like hell. 

[bangtanblurbs]

song: I NEED U

first experience: sitting in my dorm room, alone, watching full episodes of inkigayo in 2015. I NEED U was performed and i knew in that moment that i was about to drop all my other groups for bangtan. immediately i was googling their names, bios, other songs. i couldn’t get enough of them. i was completely mesmerized. I NEED U was my first ever BTS song, and that’s why i wanted to write about it first.

feelings: when i listen to I NEED U i am literally transported back in time to when i had that childish crush state on bangtan. my heart was so full, amazed by their talent, encouraged by their story full of struggles and perseverance. i felt encouraged and seen because i too was struggling at that time. listening to the song today is nostalgia in its purest form for me, even though it also retains its initial meaning for me as well. initially the song was one that gave me a feeling of yearning and courage. i was amazed with how well the beat and sound of the song matched the lyrics.

personal connection: at the time of first experiencing I NEED U, and finding BTS, i was going through a moment in life where i was growing out of a romantic relationship i had held dearly for two years. i was realizing i didn’t need that person in the way i thought. for me, the song was encouraging me, pushing me, to find someone that i needed who would make me better, push me harder and further towards my goals and dreams. this was coupled with how i felt learning about BTS and their journey. they encouraged me. no, BTS didn’t fill that void that a ill matched partner left - but they did make me feel less alone. we were going through that journey together. i listened to I NEED U constantly. walking around my university campus, driving around the city, forcing my friends to listen along. it was such a comfort song. the performances, they also brought me comfort... seeing the emotions in the dance, the way in which feelings of youth were exuded in the body movements... the fabulous MV... this song filled me with energy and helped me through the process of gathering my courage to leave my past and fight for my future. while the messages i took away from the song are quite different from the lyrics, the same pieces of needing to be free of a toxic relationship were there. the song helped me move on and realize i actually didn’t need what i thought i did. it also became relevant to emotions about past loves when my feelings and affections were met only with coldness and someone simply using me.

to better convey the breakdown of the song i want to explore along the lines of the music (for me i’m just speaking to the beat, the sound - i apologize for my lack of technical music education), vocals (how do members voice tones convey the emotion of the song), and the lyrics (i’m working with english translations).

musically: the beat is obviously very pop-y, upbeat, and has the asian style beats undergirding each part of the song. for me, this sound was extremely unique, but familiar at the same time. it pulled me in. i found myself bopping along to the song at all times of the day, using it for my alarm, putting on I NEED U was like drinking coffee for me. i listen to the song and it’s pure energy and just... it’s something that makes me think of running? although i wouldn’t workout to I NEED U, it’s perfect for late nights studying and needing to get shit done. the build ups to the chorus? the bridge? i makes me feel like time is speeding up - but in a great and motivating way. i could go on and on honestly...

vocally: i’m tempted to do a member breakdown, but i’m not going to go there. each vocal in I NEED U is stand out. rapline’s slow raps that build with the beat carry the urgency of the song, and lead perfectly into vocal line’s power vocals in the chorus. we get jimin’s high notes and V’s low register... a PHENOMENAL verse from each rapper, and JIN’s beautiful pre chorus, which is even more stunning live than can be imagined. for me, the highlight is RM’s verse, something about it stands out - his tone is so deep and he delivers an insane amount of emotion. that’s not to take away from anyone else’s performance because damn, yoongi and hoseok also pack a huge emotional punch in their raps as well.

lyrically: it’s a love song but it’s a painful one. it’s a resentful one. it’s one we all know the emotions of, we’ve all been there, in love with someone that clearly isn’t matching our emotional depth. it sucks. it sucks because the other person, who cares less, holds all the power. these lyrics brought me back to that feeling i’d had, one of my first loves, just wanting that person *needing* them but also just wanting them to break me and let me move on. the song beautifully conveys that inner monologue... you hate the situation, you hate yourself for your desires, you hate the other person, yet the same time you love them and you’re addicted to the high they give you. “you’re my everything” and then “please get out of my life” in the same chorus? not sure many other songs convey this shitty type of situation so bluntly. RM’s beautiful inner monologue is rapped expertly, conveying the up and down of the situation... going in his head “talking to myself” discussing how his heart and head just “don’t listen to me” it’s devastating, it’s raw, but that’s how these situations are. you beat yourself up, you spiral. most poignantly - in the bridge jungkook’s line “give me my last gift” begging the other to just leave, give him peace finally. it’s strong. it resonates. I NEED U, on the surface may seem like a pop single, but the lyrics are as deep as any b-side. the song is a refreshing dive into the toxic one sided power game that some relationships become. the song just hits, if you’ve been in that situation.

performance: i’ll be very honest here, i am hoseok biased. i have been ever since i saw I NEED U, seeing that man dance center in short shorts changed my life. that being said, I NEED U is *that* performance. every member is KILLING IT. dancing like rent is due. from the very start the performance is unique, all members laying on the floor - the rise up is very creative and eye catching. you then have the exquisite body rolls... which nobody has ever recovered from... it’s sensual, but it’s not overdone. it draws you in. especially as the chorus comes in with the “i need you girl.” jin’s beautiful pre-chorus isolation moment is stunning. jimin showcases his insane aerial... the entire performance is gold. the dance still holds up, if I NEED U was released today the dance would be a massive point of conversation because it is just phenomenal and every member hits every move seamlessly. also, the acoustic or slow jam versions of the performance are also amazing. having seen slow jam version live, it is just devastatingly beautiful. the entire crowd singing along... stunning.

tl;dr: I NEED U was my first BTS song. it’s a real masterpiece from start to finish. it’s nostalgic for me, but it’s also incredibly deep. speaking both to shitty relationships but also musically offering hope in its upbeat music.

p.s.: the amount of thighs in the I NEED U performances was... SOMETHING. and might have played some small role in my huge and fast spiral into stanning 😂😂

[bangtanblurbs]

*introduction*

i’m caroline ~

i started this blog as a place for me to write small detailed breakdowns of BTS songs through the lens of my own life. i want to put my feelings, experiences, and thoughts into each description in hopes of cataloguing what their music has meant to me for the several years it has accompanied me through life.

a bit about me...

1. name: caroline

2. pronouns: she/her

3. location: east coast, USA

4. age: 27

5. ARMY since: 2015

6. background: currently a phd student in politics

below are some photos of me at BTS cafes, when i saw HYYH LIVE in 2016, and just me at my happiest. i hope you enjoy my journey with this blog. 😌😌