basalt-pillars-of-the-west

[basalt-pillars-of-the-west]

The Easter Vacation that wasn’t

I'm taking a four day weekend. I was off Friday, today is Sunday (Easter) and I'm off tomorrow too.

I told everyone at work that I was flying to visit my family. That was a lie. I'm just hanging out here at home. Lying is bad, and I don't feel great about it, but I don't feel bad about it either. If that's what I have to do to get people to leave me alone for a few days, then so be it.

Of course, that didn't really happen anyway. We've got a product release that's already been delayed once, and it looks like it's going to need to be delayed again, and everyone's all desperate about it. I worked until 1 PM or so on Friday, up until my "flight", and was on Slack again until the evening.

Yesterday, someone at my company asked people at our partner company in Europe to work on the weekend. That seemed to piss people off, and their CEO and our CEO said some mean things to each other. I thought that was pretty unprofessional, almost shameful. I offered to be available from 11 AM their time (5 AM my time) to look into it together with them today (yes... on Easter). So I woke up at 4:45 today, but as I expected, they are not taking me up on the offer, and are presumably enjoying their Easter. I'm glad. I just thought if we were asking them to work on the weekend, then I should show some willingness to make a sacrifice too. But I'm glad we're not actually working :)

I actually got a pretty good night's sleep. With the help of some melatonin. I also started taking ashwagandha yesterday, so maybe that helped too. Got to sleep well before 9:00. Woke up a couple times in the night but fell back to sleep quickly. Woke up a little bit before my alarm at 4:45. So I probably got around 8 hours total, maybe slightly less.

So It's 8:23 now and I've already been up for 3.5 hours. I played some video games, watched some anime, took a nice bath, did a little work on a personal project, all before 8:30. It reminds me that waking up early can be pretty nice, if you can get to bed early enough.

I think I'm actually going to be able to take today off... we'll see. Tomorrow too, I think I'm just going to be gone, whether they like it or not. My flight will get delayed or something. Who knows.

So... not exactly a 4 day weekend... but it's something. Writing all this down, I feel a bit depressed about that... In about 4 and a half months, my first round of stock options will vest, and in theory could make me a millionare. I don't know how much the stock is worth, since we're privately traded. It could be unsellable, and worth nothing. Either way, I plan to stick around to find out, and after that, it's decision time. If the stock really is worth a lot, then it would be hard to leave, since I've still got more coming in over the following 3 years. If it's worth jack, I'm still getting paid very well, both in base pay and significant amounts of crypto, but is it worth it? I don't know, my gut says no. I don't have enough money to retire, but I could afford to take a year and travel the world or something. Or I could probably take part-time contracts and work like 20 hours per week and still be able to retire early-ish. Both of those options sound pretty enticing...

Well friends (a.k.a. me), this is where I am, and it's not easy, but at least I have a plan... kinda... to hang out for another 4 and a half months doing what I'm doing.

I know this sounds pretty negative and I feel pretty negative in some ways, but it's also a great learning opportunity. I have a long way to go, but I think I've been slowly improving my outlook via meditation, stoicism, and exposing myself to miscellaneous different ways of thinking. These are things I've sought out due to stress and negativity in the present, but I think they will be helpful for the rest of my life.

[basalt-pillars-of-the-west]

What I Want

Today I spent some time thinking about what I want. I think about it less than I should, perhaps, but it's certainly not the first time I've done it, and I came to similar conclusions as I have before.

The first thing that came to mind was a happy family. Probably because that's what other people want. But I don't think having a family would make me happy, honestly. I'm somewhat of a loner and a family sounds to me like it would take more out of me than it would give me.

Next I thought about having a home (maybe even one in Japan) and being financially independent, with enough savings that I could choose whether to work, or could travel the world without much care. Just being free, in a financial sense.

That really would be great. But what if the stock market crashes, launches us into a great depression, and never comes back. Or what if a natural disaster destroys the world or something. I could spend my life hustling and reaching for that financial freedom, and it could all evaporate before me.

But what if it's not about what I want to have but rather what I want to be. That feeling of happiness that a family could, in theory, give me. The feeling of freedom that huge savings might give me. It's not the family or the savings I want, it's the happiness and the freedom.

What if I just took those things? What if I could be happy without any conditions, free without any conditions. What if I embodied fortitude, moral courage, equanimity. No amount of money can buy those things, and nothing can take them from you, unless you allow it.

I'll probably always dream of the home and the big bank account, and I'll be happy to achieve them, some day in the future. But in this moment, right now, I can choose to improve my outlook on life, my personality, my focus. I can work on those things right now, for free, and if I build them well, I can never lose them until I die.

I do want to have things, but what I really want, and need, is to be better.

[basalt-pillars-of-the-west]

Thinking Freely

Just over one month ago, Russia launched an invasion of Ukraine. Around that time, the character of the common knowledge about Ukraine changed.

Before I go any further, I want to make it clear: it's pretty obvious that the Russian military has no business doing what they're doing in Ukraine. I donated about $500 in cryptocurrency to the Ukrainian government.

But there's also more to it than meets the eye. Not just in this case, but in any "world event" that we watch from afar from behind television screens.

Let me back up a bit. I used to be pretty into world events and I read news all the time, sometimes for hours per day. I could name dozens of heads of states, not because I memorized them, but just because that's how much news I consumed.

But then I stopped, when I realized it wasn't doing me any good. It wasn't making me informed like I thought it was. Here's the problem: whatever we read on the news about some far away land is just a tiny window into someone else's perspective of one thing that's going on there. We can't be informed about anything so distant from us, because there's too much there to know, and even if we knew it all, we haven't experienced it. Worse, by knowing just the pieces of the story that you read in the news, your perspective of the entire situation is colored by that little peek through the window, and this gives you a slanted view.

Before this war, Ukraine in my mind was a developing country struggling with corruption and cronyism and without the will to fight it effectively. Now, Ukraine is a country of heroes, fighting for democracy. That's how the character of the common knowledge about Ukraine has changed. Which perspective is correct? Both? Neither?

Both are too shallow and simplistic to be "correct" in any meaningful way. Ukraine is a country of millions of people. It's got heroes, it's got corruption, it's got everything. Which of those things looms large in our minds at any given time depends on what the news says, what Reddit says, what Joe Biden says, etc, etc. Meanwhile over in Russia most people think their army is fighting a heroic struggle against Nazism, because that's what the man in the TV tells them. If you took identical twins, raised one in Russia, and one in the US, almost certainly, the former would support the war, and the latter would oppose it.

How do I make sure my opinions are my own? I don't even care if I'm right or wrong, I just want to think freely and develop my opinions on my own, that's more important to me.

I think I know the answer, though I have some qualms with it. The answer is to stop reading "news" and focus on the things in front of me. What I can see, touch, smell. If I can experience it with my own senses, I can form my own opinion of it. Everything else is too far beyond me.

This means giving up being "informed" in order to become free. Easier said that done, and not without sacrifice. But I think it's better that way.

[basalt-pillars-of-the-west]

Exploring the City

Went on a bit of an expedition today, just walking randomly around downtown and seeing what’s up. I’ve lived here for over half a year, but I haven’t been downtown much.

I had one goal: to find some good ground coffee for my new coffee machine. And I was going to do it without relying on Google Maps. I would just find parking somewhere, and look for coffee! Should be easy, right?

Lo and behold in the distance, “JFG SPECIAL COFFEE” (at the top of the blue-white building):

It looked kind of run down and abandoned, but I figured I’d walk over and see. Indeed, it was run-down and abandoned. But on the other side, I saw another sign:

I didn’t find “JFG” coffee anywhere around. I assume it’s some company that went out of business in the 80s or something, judging by their logo. I did find a coffee shop with ground coffee over there, but there was a pretty long line, so I left.

I found another coffee shop too, but they didn’t sell ground coffee. So I gave up, I’ll just order some from Amazon. Yup, I failed my mission. Oh well.

Some more pictures:

About the burnout symptoms I posted about on Tuesday… it was a tough week to get through, but that Tuesday was the worst. Slowing down a bit and taking the evening off on Tuesday helped a lot. And now I’m taking a full weekend off. I feel a lot better now. Last night, I stayed up a bit late, but then slept until 9:30, and woke up feeling better rested than I’ve felt in a while.

I feel like I’m going to struggle a bit again next week to be honest. I need a vacation. But I need to get through this project first (if we finish on time, we’ll be done around mid April).

[basalt-pillars-of-the-west]

Damage Control

I am feeling pretty ragged today and I closed up shop "early" because of it (at 5:30, so not really that early).

I think my workload is just catching up to me. I worked a lot even on Saturday (I did take Sunday off though) and I've been thinking about work constantly, and it's finally doing a number on me.

Back in December (or maybe it was early January) I took on a lead engineer role. At this company, that basically makes me a manager and a technical lead all in one. I've always been confident in my technical skills, but the people management is an entirely different thing, and is taking a different kind of energy. Plus, my calendar is full of meetings and everyone wants some of my time. So I don't have nearly enough time to write code, but we've still got (aggressive) deadlines to hit, and I need to be banging out code for us to hit them. The stress is also wrecking my sleep quality.

And today it just feels like it's suddenly caught up to me, so now I am in damage control mode.

I thought about ordering some food, but I made myself justify it. I decided the goal was to take my mind off work and cheer me up a bit. Would it do that? Yeah! But then I re-thought the goal, and realized that what I really need is to set myself up for a better tomorrow, and I don't think Outback Steakhouse is going to help me with that, so forget it.

To set myself up for a better tomorrow, the most important thing I need is to sleep well. And for that, I need to get my mind off work, and relax.

I'm going to have dinner and then go do a long meditation, and try to stay in that meditative state for the rest of the evening, and clear my mind. I shouldn't be on the computer, but I wanted to write this, so I can look back at it later and see how I did.

After meditating, I'm not sure what I will do. Maybe I will read, but even that takes some brainpower, and I'm not sure it's worth it. Maybe I will watch a movie, but I feel like I shouldn't be looking at screens.

You know what I would really love to do? Go for a swim. I haven't done that in ages. There is a river right next to my place, but you would have to be crazy to swim in it. It's brown. I might look for a public pool or something, but it's getting fairly late already. A walk would be nice too, but you can't really walk out of my place, you need a car. The road outside is very narrow and winding, and people drive way too fast on it. Seriously, I never see anyone walking, and it seems like I would get run over if I tried. And I don't like the idea of driving somewhere to take a walk, unless it's a mountain or something, and I don't have time to do that.

The ordering food idea is suddenly seeming better again, too, but I don't think I'll do it. We will see.

[basalt-pillars-of-the-west]

The Fundamental Nature of Reality

This one I've been thinking a lot about lately. Actually, I've always thought a lot about it. I usually phrase the question as: "why is there something rather than nothing?" It seems so strange to me that there's anything at all.

I've formulated an answer that I feel is somewhat plausible. That's a day I thought would never come. In the past I have felt like the answer would boil down to explaining either:

How it was possible for something to come from nothing

Or: how it was possible for something to have always existed, without a cause

Explaining either of those seemed like too daunting of a proposition for me. But both of them make some assumptions that deserve questioning: especially the assumption that something exists.

Maybe nothing exists.

But I'm here tapping on a keyboard. That's something right?

All right, here it is: the existence that we experience is not concrete in any way, but is just possibility. We exist because it is possible for us to exist. That is, this current configuration of space and time we are experiencing is non-contradictory, therefore it is possible, therefore it "exists".

But possibility is something that must be computed. This current configuration of space and time is only possible if the previous one (in time) was also possible. In order for it to be possible for me to think this thought, the computations must have occurred which calculated whether it was possible for me to think my previous thought.

That is consciousness: computation of whether a thought is possible requires computation of the entire universe that led up to that thought, and that big virtual computation is our world. The world doesn't exist concretely, it's just a big math expression.

And this "possibility expansion" is the fundamental property of the universe, it's the only thing that the universe fundamentally does.

Would this just lead an inch further down the rabbit hole to the question: "why does the universe perform possibility expansion"?

I feel that the answer is no, but I don't think I can explain it in a convincing way, sorry. Let me try putting it like this: if something is non-contradictory (and therefore possible), does something else make it non-contradictory? No, it exhibits that property independently of any actor. Possibility has no cause. That is the gist of why I feel this idea is a plausible explanation for how the universe could exist as a soup of possibility. Possibility requires no cause.

One thing I think requires further explanation in this framework is time. If the universe is just a soup of possibility, then why is the present moment privileged? Why is now now? Why is possibility unfolding at a certain speed? Etc.

I'm tempted to invoke Eternalism / the block universe to explain all of that away as illusory, though I find the implications somewhat grim.

In Eternalism time is more or less a spacial dimension, there is no privileged present, and the past and future are equally real as the present.

While we might be experiencing "now", we're also experiencing every other moment of our lives. Every snapshot of our lives is real and experiences itself "eternally". Every one of these snapshots feels privileged to us, but none of them really is. A few seconds ago you were thinking that then was privileged. Now you are thinking that now is privileged. In a few seconds you will be thinking that then is privileged.

What's with all the crazy bold formatting? I bolded all of the temporal expressions. It's damned hard to talk about time not really existing, without invoking a bunch of expressions and metaphors that presuppose the existence of time. The idea of time not really existing is really hard to wrap one's head around, let alone express in human languages which place so much importance in the concept of time. But I feel it's a necessary part of "possibility soup" being the fundamental nature of reality.

Welp, that about wraps it up. I feel that this all is a plausible explanation for the fundamental nature of reality and how anything exists. But hell, the truth is probably something completely different, or maybe there's no answer at all. Maybe it's just "magic". I feel we'll never have a sure answer because I don't see how it could be possible to prove any of this.

By the way, the idea that everything that's possible exists was most-notably articulated as Modal Realism by David Kellogg Lewis.

[basalt-pillars-of-the-west]

7 Years of Japanese

It's been about 7 years since I consider myself to have started learning Japanese in March 2015 (there was an abortive attempt or two before that). Yesterday, I received my JLPT N1 certificate in the mail. The N1 is the most advanced level of the Japanese Language Proficiency Test and I passed it by a pretty good margin, with perfect scores on two of the three sections (only missed some points on listening, gotta watch more anime).

That being said, the JLPT has a somewhat low bar compared to, for example, the CEFR tests that are held for European languages. So even though I got a near-perfect score, I'm nowhere near near-perfect at Japanese. I'm pretty literate, but I still read much slower than a native, and I'd say I only understand about 80%-90% of news broadcasts I watch. I'm also not very good at speaking at all, and I can't write the language by hand.

I've put several thousand hours into this adventure over the years. I enjoy it, but I'm not sure it was worth it. Like, what if I put several thousand hours into music production instead? Would I be an epic trance DJ by now? If I put several thousand hours into learning survival skills, would I survive being nuked by the evil Russians? I guess we'll never know. Maybe if I hadn't been practicing Japanese, I would have just been wasting my time on video games instead (even more than I have).

Regardless, though it feels pretty normal to me by this point, when I look at it objectively, it's pretty badass that I can pick up a Japanese book and read it cover to cover and understand almost all of it without a dictionary or anything.

I've also loved traveling to Japan and look forward to going back and trying my improved skills... when the borders open again.

Other than that though, this is a skill I might not get a ton out of. I don't want to work in Japan (tried that once... but that's a tale for another day) and speaking Japanese isn't going to help me in my career otherwise.

But hey, I like reading Japanese books and watching Japanese TV, so maybe that's good enough on its own.

[basalt-pillars-of-the-west]

The Purpose of Sunday

It's Sunday and I'm trying to use my Sunday well.

In Western culture Sunday is a day of rest. As far as I know that tradition originates in Judaism. If you work on a Sunday they chop your head off or something (probably exaggerating :).

I'm not religious, but everyone needs at least one day of rest, and Sunday is perfect because it comes right before the beginning of a new week of work.

I've worked a lot of weekends lately, including a lot of Sundays, but it's not sustainable. Recently I've been going into the weekend with the intention to do a bit of work, but then I just lose the will to do so, which is probably for the best. I'm sure there will be another "crunch time" before too long where I find myself working on a Sunday again, but I shouldn't make a habit of it (and probably couldn't if I tried).

So what are my goals for Sunday:

Relax

Chores (especially shopping & cleaning up)

Reading

Practicing Japanese (reading & listening)

"Relaxing" is harder than it sounds. I've been realizing that relaxing well is an important skill. If I allow myself to, I'll spend half the day thinking about work or letting my mind run wild on miscellaneous topics. I'd like to get better at relaxing.

Lately I've been going through this playlist with guided meditations on YouTube. It's one of the best guided meditation collections I've found. Already did one earlier today, and might do one or two more.

Another thing I've found effective is that when I find my mind running in directions it doesn't need to, I just remind myself that I "don't need to think about that now". It's more effective than telling myself to not think about it or scolding myself for it. We often think about stressful things because we think we need to. If we just remind ourselves that we don't need to, I think it helps a lot.

Chores is self-explanatory, so I won't say more about that. For reading, I'm currently reading Meditations: A New Translation which is a translation of the almost 2,000 year old writings by Roman emperor Marcus Aurelius. It is a collection of his notes to himself on how to live well. It's a great source of wisdom and I'm trying to put parts of it into practice in my own life.

For practicing Japanese, as I'm writing this I'm listening to "live" coverage of the situation in Ukraine. "Live" in quotes because the live broadcast has already ended earlier today and it's just looping now. I've already listened to it loop over three times and have it going in the background as I'm writing this.

I also want to do some reading in Japanese. I've got about 50 pages left to read in the 8th book of a series called デスマーチからはじまる異世界狂想曲. The title sounds really stupid if you try to translate it into English, so I won't try. I haven't read any of it in a few weeks. I got a bit bored of it and have been using my free time for different things. But I would like to finish it up soon, maybe today.

It's noon now, so a good bit of the day has already passed. I suppose I've used it reasonably well so far. I'll do my best to use the rest of it well too.

[basalt-pillars-of-the-west]

A Blog

Yesterday I stumbled across my old LiveJournal account. Reading through it brought back a lot of memories that I would have lost otherwise. It inspired me to start a new blog. I didn’t want to keep using LiveJournal, so I’m looking for an alternative. Maybe Tumblr is what I need? We will see.

I suppose introductions are in order. Though I haven't decided yet what I should be called... Anyhow, I am a 29 (almost 30) year old software engineer working for a blockchain startup. Working is most of what I do these days ("startup" style). In my freetime I like to practice the Japanese language, and have become pretty decent at it over the years (I passed the Japanese Language Proficiency test level N1 recently). I also play video games (lately Assassin's Creed Odyssey) and am into electronic music.

I'm not a particularly exciting person, so while I hope other people end up reading this, I'm not sure how much value I have to offer you. I will try to say something interesting once in a while :)

My current goals are: * Make enough FU money to buy a house and retire * Stop snoring (I started recently, for some reason...) * Lose 10-20 pounds * Reduce stress levels / cope with stress better

I have some ideas for future posts, so I expect I'll write more soon. Thanks for reading! (if anyone did :)