bats-is-bats

[bats-is-bats]

Matagal-tagal na rin magmula nang bumalik ako rito. Isang gabing malamig na dinulot ng ulan, nakahiga na ko sa kutson nang biglang napaisip magawi sa Tumblr. Sampung buwan na pala ang nakalipas simula noong magsulat ako ng mga bagay na pumasok sa isip ko. Tulad ngayon, nagsusulat ako ng walang plano, walang konteksto; Kung ano lamang ang maramdaman ay iyon ang lilikhain. Marami akong isipin na hindi na masyado kinakailangan ng eksplanasyong detalyado, subalit may mga bagay na hindi ko nakakalimutan kahit lumipas na ang sampung buwan.  Malay natin, baka lumipas ng maraming taon. Tulad nalang noong sa isa, halos pitong taon ata? Bago naging mapayapa ang isipan at patahimikin na ang espirito ng poot at kalungkutan. Napakaganda gunitain yung alaala, alam ko na hanggang doon nalang ang mga bagay-bagay. Kahit papaano ako’y napanatag sa mga sandaling naibigay na maaring balikan pagdating ng panahon. Ngayon, parang uulit nanaman, ngunit sa ibang tao.

[bats-is-bats]

Sa bawat sandaling tumitingin sa kawalan, ay isang bituin ang nawawalan ng liwanag kalangitan.

[bats-is-bats]

Yosi at Kape.

Unang-una, hindi ako nagyoyosi. At ikalawa nagkakape ako kapag may pagkakataon na kailangan gumising ang aking diwa. Kung pagsasamahin ko ang dalawa ay sadyang hindi ko mapagkakaila ang kombinasyon na handog ng dalawa. Ano nga ba dapat kong maramdaman at maranasan? Kakaunting init na may hagod sa likod? Na wari’y ipinapahitawig nito na ang lahat ng bagay ay magiging maigi at masaya sa pagdating ng panahon. Maaring sa bawat higop o buga ay doon maipagtatanto na lahat ng bagay ay hindi sumasangayon batay sa ating nais. Maaring may mabuting maidudulot o di kaya’y kalungkutan sa oras ng pagdaramdam. Bawat usok na maibibigay ng dalawa ay isang pahiwatig na may iba’t-iba tayong tinatahak na paghihirap na sa anumang oras ay maari tayong bumitaw.  Pagkatapos ng lahat ng ito’y matutulala ka na lamang sa isang espasyo na kung saan lahat ng karanasan ay unti-unting babalik sa’yong mga ala-ala; Na sa bawat pagbawas ng abo, o di kaya ng mainit na haplos ay doon lamang papasok sa iyong kokote na lahat ng bagay ay may hangganan. Kung makaabot ka man sa puntong ito ng iyong pagbabasa ay gusto ko lamang ipuna na ginamit ko ang limang pandama upang isulat lamang ang likhang ito. Ngunit nasaan ang pandinig? 

[bats-is-bats]

Day n of nonsense. I just can’t believe that I am writing. I guess I write a couple of things just to cope up with stress and restlessness. I have so many thoughts going on my mind and I can’t keep up with them. Nevertheless, here I am. These days I felt like the ghost of the past still haunts me. It’s been a lot. All of the sorrows and worries keep doing a gush. It pains myself too as I cannot make it go away as I try and stare into the void of loneliness. The path of where I should go doesn’t take me as I’d like to. I know it won’t be a walk in the park. The feeling won’t go away. How many times I tried to fend them off by sacrificing myself in the process? A lot. Heck yeah a lot. It kills me everyday just to live and breathe, paycheck by paycheck, tears for sanity. You might think of this writing just as a nonsensical whim, yes it could be one. I wrote this while pausing between intervals just so it could have some contents.  Well, you could totally say it’s for an audience. But in reality, it’s for my own sake just trying to make a life out of lifeless soul.  

[bats-is-bats]

I tried rebuilding it. I failed.

I will slowly regain from the pain.

[bats-is-bats]

Balik.

Unti-unti kong napagtanto na sa raming beses ko nakapagsulat dito noon ay darating pala ang araw na bigla kang mawawalan ng liwanag ang apoy na dahan-dahan mong binuo. At tama ka, sa unang paksa na aking ginawa ay gumamit ako ng mga salitang nauulit. Hindi dahil sa sinadya ko ito, sadya lamang na hindi ko sinasadyang malagay sa aking kaisipan ang mga salitang maaring sasadyaing punahin ng mga mambabasa. Balik tayo. Tanda ko’y nakabalik ako dito ilang linggo o buwan ang nakakalipas. Pero ang pinakamatagal na oras na hindi ako nakabisita muli sa aking munting tahanan ng pagdarama ay taon na rin pala. Hindi ko akalain. Hilig ko magsulat noon para lamang sa sarili kong kasiyahan. Madalas ang aking bibig ay di lamang isang tinig na napupuno ng pagbibiro sa bawat binibigkas nito. Wari ko’y may ‘mas’ na kahulugan pa ang aking mga sasabihin kung ako lamang ay magiging seryoso dito. Subalit pinilit kong hindi. Nais ko ng bumalik. Nais kong bumalik sa mga panahong ang pag-iisip ko’y mas malawak ang pag-unawa sa sarili ko, na kung saan ako’y nagkakaroon ng argumento sa aking isipan sa kung ano ba ang rason ko para mabuhay sa aking kinatatayuan. Hanggang ngayon, sa totoo lang, hindi ko pa rin alam. Masyado nang lito ang aking sarili sa kung ano ba ang dapat tahakin sa paglalakad sa kalsadang aking inuusad. Pero ako’y galak na hindi ko basta-basta nilagay itong sanaysay para lang maibsan ang aking kalungkutan. Gusto ko rin malaman ng sarili ko, pagdating ng panahon sakaling mapunta ako ulit dito na.. “Aba, nandito ka ulit? Sana nahanap mo na yung kasiyahang bigo ka makamtan noon.”

[bats-is-bats]

Well, look who it is. I am back for so many years (I guess) of writing my consciousness inside this little place with a lots of HTML body combined with the magic of the wizards. I can say that I am writing again just for the sake of reviving my passion in writing and sharing my thoughts. Never thought that after all this time, I still wanna do it albeit with a slight contempt. Loneliness is a friend you could say.  Remembering things couple of years ago, I write because I want this to be my safe haven to the thoughts that filled my mind. And just that, I have no one to talk to. I do have a great communication and social skills, yet I do not have the capacity to maintain it to the greatest lengths imagined. You could say I am secluded and prisoned by myself. Only lingering a little bit in the seaside and dip right after the low tide ends. I am kind of disappointed that I was not able to exert a lot of things that I could do back then. I wish I was great at something. I could wish more, but even one cannot be granted. Slowly descending into the deep waters, I find myself dumbfounded while staring at the moonlight that gradually fades as the silence of the sea devours me.

[bats-is-bats]

Loop.

The end is near again for me. Career. Sucks that I was not able to last like I wanted to. I mean, I tried. I know. Things really don’t go the way I wanted. I am so lost though. I really am. Let’s say, 2 years? Couple of years after I finished college I went straight to job. Wasn’t much but I learned a lot. Fast forward since that time, right now I am looking devastated as I think myself as a ‘lost’ one. Lots of events happened in a flash and made me worst ever possible. Things that I used to be passionate with, all dead. Looking back, all that enthusiasm and energy I had, everything’s faded. I can’t talk more. Maybe on the next one.

Last time I wrote to this blog of mine was 3 years ago. Heck. I miss my own self.

[bats-is-bats]

I really can’t sleep. These past few days all I am getting are both: less or more sleep, either way I feel empty. Sleep keeps me away from living, you’re unconscious but have a chance not to do anything except rest your body, it is like that. Lack of sleep or more that enough sleep, I don’t like it. I hate myself.  I hate myself. I keep thinking. I overthink. I loathe myself and despise myself. I don’t know. It seems like I wanted to do something, because I want to have a purpose. I want to have a sense of duty and responsibility. Not as a student, as a son, or as a friend, but as a human being.

[bats-is-bats]

Ni hindi ko alam, kung paano masasabi sa sarili yung mga bagay na kinikimkim ng damdamin. Maraming kataga, walang laman. Walang kwenta, maraming satsat na parang sasabak ng laban. Nakikipag-talo, walang kapana-panalo. Paano na ta’yo? Paano na nga ba, sasapitin ng sariling paos kakasigaw ng tulong sa iba. Matagal-tagal pa. Magtitiiis nalang ako.

[bats-is-bats]

As every day passes, there’s something lingering, unfathomable feeling. Myself have no idea what to do, what to think, what to hear and what to see. All of it, dull. What I need is a resolution, a declaration that I cannot revoke for it is my own decision. Accomplishments meant for nothing, I must say that is the term; for what I have been doing these past few months, naught.  Of course, sadness comes first, then self-loathing is second to none. Always like that. I always blame myself for the failures and mishaps that occurs in my day-by-day existence. It hurts mentally and emotionally.  Right now, as usual, I just stare at blank. Wondering and faltering my own mind, making it blurry for the real things. Oh wait, this is the real thing. I must endure it. Does it make me look stupid? Yes. Because I am helpless even for myself. Nobody can help me but me, but I became stressed and unfortunately-- depressed a little. 

[bats-is-bats]

Writing about you makes me confuse on what should I put in it. I literally have no idea. I just want to tell you someday how thankful I am meeting you. T’was once in a lifetime. You are. Please, always take care of yourself. 

[bats-is-bats]

For everything it will be fine, for thyself it will be not. Do not be sad as if the world is going to fall apart, crumble into pieces. Even I myself cannot fathom how much sadness and sorrow there is inside. Listening to a song makes it even more painful to think. That for it will be only once, and not going to happen again. The moment eyes saw the illusion, the reality kicks in. Really wanted to recall the moment. I can’t.  Please, take care of yourself. My dream. My happiness. My Sorrow.

[bats-is-bats]

Every time that I want to write, it is the thoughts that I want to express and feel. Writing is a part of me, a part that has never been got out since then. I loved it, liked it. Maybe it is a passion not forgotten. I am a student from a different department, I am not into a Arts and Sciences department but I have interests in writing, photography, digital arts and screenwriting. I do not even have the skills when it comes to programming, but I believe that innovation and creating my idea is one of the forte I have in my course.  I am just an average guy that could probably excel in different aspects, but do not expect me when ‘Mathematics’ is on the way. I hate calculations, not numbers. Searching for different patterns and shortcuts, not my bestest. Even during my high school life, passing the subject, I am already contented and happy.  Now many years have passed, I have another passion, maybe. Public speaking. Althought I am still not getting the hang of it, I will get there. It is like a fullfillment. Speaking in front of the audience, of everybody present in an area. Speaking to them is like sharing what you want to express in front of them. Similar to writing, their goals are to inform, entertain, and as well interact with a person.    To end this, I must say that sooner or later developing both skills are vital to engulfing myself with a better confidence to stand out in my field. And it is a way of life, an art, a passion that cannot be stopped by anyone or anything. I love and like it. This is my way of expressing myself. My passion.

[bats-is-bats]

The things I write, in my own opinion, are full of illusions. It isn’t even real. I write when wanted to express my own feelings. And that is only a pointless thought. Subjects that are not concrete in its own way, inconsistent. Lack of creativity when it comes to writing maybe hinders my way of expressing feelings.   

[bats-is-bats]

I have been waiting for somebody to come into the world of mine. Dreaming nostalgic memoirs that could’ve been mellow and mean happiness for one, at the same time will be the most eternal thing that will ever happen. I must say that she is fragile yet cheerful, shy but amazing. Effortless smiles are to be aware of for she always look upon the stars as if she is one of it. It is true. She really are one with the stars, glistening and giving hope for those who are hapless. Lucky as it is, I am grateful. For I got the chance to see a glimpse of her for a couple of times. It was an unforgettable memory. Thought that everything and every being that surrounds my clueless self, has stopped. Cannot fathom how lucky I am to see a celestial in front of me. She is stunning like a goddess. Her eyes that if you would see through it, feels like I am seeing the horizon of the universe. Her smile full of happiness, albeit I am little worried for her. But I believe that she will reach her dreams and fullfill her promises for family, friends and especially, herself. That is a once in a lifetime opportunity, like a short film imprinted into one’s thought and won’t perished even if many years passed. It will reel and keep playing back if I want to recall it back.  As a speck of dust, I happy and thankful to be part of the universe itself.

[bats-is-bats]

Once in a Lifetime.

I guess what the title says, is true. An opportunity once in a lifetime that cannot be rewinded or even visit back. But the memories are there, memories that contains happiness and sadness at the same time. The only thing I could do is watch her go away. I feel bad for myself, I have got the chance to make a move, I did not. The one that got away. I think I found her, the one that could make me happy, the one I could make happier than ever before. I failed. But I promise to myself that someday, I’ll go to the place you were born, the place to grew up. And see for my own eyes how beautiful life is. If it is his plan, it’s up to you.