bayofbalar

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my life is completely insane right now

nothing much happens reading-wise and i am basically exhausted always or out of fucks to give

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I’m doing an assertiviness training because I’m tired of getting conversationally mowed over by men who think they are competent (spoiler alert: they’re not) (my current foreman literally thought that the plural of ‘schroef’ was ‘schroefen’ - I am in physical pain).

It’s really interesting! The course is given by a coach/psychologist, who specialises in children’s therapy, especially for kids who fall in the gifted and/or highly sensitive labels. As such I do think she has a decent perspective on her target audience, and it goes a lot deeper than just some verbal tricks for assertiveness; she also dips into potential reasons for why everyone struggles with it.

It’s a pretty diverse group with 8 other women and 1 guy (apparently this is rare, normally it’s more of a 70-30 ratio (and I had kind of wished there were more men in the group? just because I’m curious about... idk, men being more sensitive and open)). I’ve already been doing a lot of soul searching and this being the first time I’m in a larger group of women (barring horse-related things, which, as far as I can tell, is always fucked over by a ton of judgement stemming from internalised misogyny) and just... feel safe, and I like all the other women. There’s some people with really horrifying shit having happened to them, and it showed me that you genuinely cannot tell by appearance OR behaviour whatever someone might be going through at home.

The trainer has mentioned that I could possibly be “gifted” (not diagnosing, just saying I should look into it (and you know, not self-diagnose but you can get out of it whtaver you want)). I looked it up and jfc, so many (read, all or nearly all) points are so recognisable. It would not surprise me if it were the case, even though I won’t seek official diagnosis. If it were true, esp. combined with the HSP part, it would explain a lot of the issues I’ve run into in life and parts of which made me suspect I had some sort of neurodivergency going on (be that ADD or some milder form of autism spectrum (both of which are diagnosed in my second-degree family)). It would definitely explain why I have had such issues with school and always feeling like I underperformed there, as well as just... communication issues and/or this inherent feeling of being “different”. I dislike the association with the term as an arrogant or elitist thing, but I think that ‘wired differently’ is an adequate description that casts no judgement on anybody.

But even if it isn’t the case, though I think it is - it did manage to make me find teacher jargon for the way I think and learn, which in itself is super valuable information. I can now finally explain to people how I need shit explained to me! Turns out that (of fucking course) it’s the literal opposite way that the majority of teaching methods is set up in this country. It explains... so much about why I failed so bad at beta subjects, even though I have way fewer problems with the subject matter now.

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Watching Het jaar van Fortuyn rn.

For Dutch standards, a pretty reasonable show, which is surprisingly good at nuancing Fortuyn. The only major issue I have with it is that it demotes basically all women to ditzy, stupid sidekicks (at best) - which, really? I especially dislike the portrayal of Verbeet, who acts like a yes-woman for Melkert when I always saw her on the news as a woman with her own views. This was a bit earlier than I can actively remember so it might be a personal growth thing, but considering how the rest of the women are treated in the show, eh, I doubt it.

I don’t really remember much about this era in politics, especially not how things were before - I only remember the news about Fortuyn’s assassination (probably the second news story I actively remember from childhood, the first being 9/11 just some months prior).

I do think nothing really changed for the better since then. We still have the same issues. People are certainly more outspoken about the problems surrounding immigration, but none of it in a constructive way, imo. I’ve experienced some of these problems personally, though in my region it’s not as bad as in the big cities in the west. I like that they pointed out that for Fortuyn - as a gay man, and a flamboyant one at that - this was personal to him, the way it can sometimes be personal to me as an AFAB.

At the same time, I’m committed to intersectional feminism (a lot left to learn though!), which does include welcoming immigrants from all walks of life, and I have not yet resolved this issue of clashing political views in my life.

The Dutch like to pretend otherwise, but this country is honestly a clusterfuck. It doesn’t help that these are really complicated issues that really can’t be discussed well through clickbait-y headlines and 5 minute tv debates (which is the most (including myself!) that the average citizen will consume regarding politics).

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jfc

for ages i believed the dutch propaganda of how this country is supposedly egalitarian and free of institutional racism and sexism

but holy shit 🙃

this is the second time in a week i've heard about non-ethnic dutch people being shortchanged in wages (a turkish colleague not getting a raise because his "dutch isn't good enough" - ffs, and a female colleague of my bf's who is a recent immigrant from kenya who does the same job as many others in the company but who is only paid minimum wage)

on top of all the reactions that sylvana simons (black female politician) gets

and just

i'm so disappointed in my country tbh

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Only the top shelf is unread fiction now. This is such a gigantic relief!

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Owned TBR of Doom

Or; I own too many books and I have too little time to get to them all.

Which is why I got rid of a lot of books that, when being honest, I wasn’t ever going to read. They include a lot of classics, but I’ve also put some classics I can’t bear to part with with my study books so at least they’re off the TBR, and I won’t include them here.

Here is the original list, for comparison.

Shamelessly stealing @lettersfromthelighthouse ‘s formatting - bold is started, strikethrough is finished. Imagine that the titles are italicised; tumblr refuses to copy formatting done in another file.

Sorted into categories, but no alphabetical order under the cut:

Non-fiction, historic:

Five Miles High & Forty Below, Bill Williams

The Discovery of Middle Earth, Graham Robb

Nobel Streven, Frits van Oostrom

The Darkening Age, Catherine Nixey

Where Poppies Blow, John Lewis-Stempel

Een paleis voor de doden, Herman Clerinx

The Edge of the World, Michael Pye

The Silk Roads, Peter Frankopan

De uitvinding van de natuur, Andrea Wulf

Non-fiction, historic equine:

Dressage, Sylvia Loch

The Royal Horse of Europe, Sylvia Loch

The Warhorse 1250-1600, Ann Hyland

The Medieval Horse and its Equipment, John Clark

The Horse in the Ancient World, Ann Hyland

The Horse in the Middle Ages, Ann Hyland

The Medieval Warhorse, From Byzantium to the Crusades, Ann Hyland

Non-fiction, equine training manuals:

True Horsemanship Through Feel, Bill Dorrance & Leslie Desmond

Grondwerk met paarden, Inge Teblick

Pferde Gymnastizieren mit dem Clicker, Viviane Theby

Gymnasium of the Horse, Steinbrecht

Basic Training of the Young Horse, Ingrid & Reiner Klimke

The Scales of Training Workbook, Claire Lilley

H.Dv.12 German Cavalry Training Manual

Non-fiction, miscellaneous:

Stolen World, Jennie Erin Smith

Dier, bovendier, Frank Westerman

The Old Ways, A Journey On Foot, Robert Macfarlane

Entangled Life, Merlin Sheldrake

The Travels, Marco Polo

J.R.R. Tolkien Artist & Illustrator, Hammond & Scull

Zout, Vet, Zuur, Hitte, Samin Nosrat

Fiction, ‘classics’:

Moby-Dick, Herman Melville

Fiction, ‘classic sci-fi’:

Frankenstein, Mary Shelley

The Great Science-Fiction, H.G. Wells

Treasure Island, R.L. Stevenson

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, R.L. Stevenson

Fiction, fantasy:

The Two Towers, J.R.R. Tolkien

The Return of the King, J.R.R. Tolkien

The Worm Ouroboros, E.R. Eddison

Piranesi, Susanna Clarke

Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell, Susanna Clarke

Black Leopard, Red Wolf, Marlon James

Beren and Luthien, J.R.R. Tolkien

The Fall of Gondolin, J.R.R. Tolkien

The Children’s Book, A.S. Byatt

Rivers of London, Ben Aaronovitch

The Story of Kullervo, J.R.R. Tolkien

The Ninth Rain, Jen Williams

Fiction, sci-fi:

Hyperion, Dan Simmons

The Three-Body Problem, Liu Cixin

The Testaments, Margaret Atwood

Caliban’s War, James S.A. Corey

Fiction, historic:

Lincoln in the Bardo, George Saunders

The Essex Serpent, Sarah Perry

Butcher’s Crossing, Jon Williams

The Last English King, Julian Rathbone

Heer Belisarius, Robert Graves

Fiction, anthologies:

The Weird Tales of William Hope Hodgson, W.H. Hodgson

The Call of Cthulhu, H.P. Lovecraft

Norse Mythology, Neil Gaiman

Tales Before Tolkien, Douglas A. Anderson (ed.)

Fiction, Poetry:

The War Poems of Wilfred Owen, Wilfred Owen

Fiction, Miscellaneous:

Frankissstein, Jeanette Winterson

[bayofbalar]

My school, in a subject called “enterprising behaviour” wants me to take

a

fucking

DISC personality test

I will show them enterprising and refuse to take the test and just send them scientific articles about how unscientific and frankly, fucking stupid tests like DISC and Myers-Briggs are

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So apparently that whole "roast beef" labia thing comes from incel "culture", which, it already was yikes, now it is extra yikes

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"We find it hard to think of straight, white men as a homogenous group, though it comes so easily when we think of other types of people, because we are used to affording such men the privilege of discrete identities. [...] We don't mind talking about women as a group, and about violence against women as a phenomenon, but we do so as though it is something that just happens. We describe women as having been raped; we discuss the rates of women sexually assaulted or beaten. We do not speak in terms of men committing rape or being sexual assaulters and violent abusers. That is what makes it so easy to focus on women's dress, behaviour and choices when we consider sexual violence. To warn women to take precautions to protect themselves and, implicitly or explicitly, blame those victims who do not. Because rape is a shadowy, dark thing waiting to befall women who walk in alleyways wearing short skirts, not a deliberate, criminal choice made by real men."

- p. 8, Men Who Hate Women, Laura Bates

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Best way to spend Valentine's Day evening: learning about the form and function of the full clitoris.

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Attempts to shoot a sharp "currently reading with cat"-photo: failed.

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made a post about this a while back but deleted after a few hours

but i need to word it somewhere and i have nowhere to talk about this

but the discourse surrounding the sexual abuse/assault clusterfuck in the Voice of Holland made me realise once and for all that yes

i too am part of the 'rape victim' statistic

and it is so disturbing

and i understand so much now why people don't come out with this until years later or even never

if you haven't experienced the "stranger danger" type of rape it's all incredibly confusing, and shameful, and guilty (not saying that those feelings don't happen for the type of rape where you're dragged into a dark alley or something but that's... a slightly more accepted form of rape than (badly, in my case) crossed boundaries in a relationship)

i have no idea what to do about it, i don't want to take legal action because 1. can't prove shit and 2. it was a really messy situation   &c and if i said something it would end with my parents knowing and i hella don't want that

it's just. it is so weird. i have so many conflicting emotions. i'm fine and it has been several years, i am not about to go off the deep end or anything but i have no tools for accepting and processing this. i might try a helpline at some point but i am a tad wary of those for some reason. i wouldn't know what to say.

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Roma

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I've taken it upon myself to work through a self-study basic mathematics book (up to higher vocational training/applied sciences starting level).

I'm still at the early stages, but I already find it so much easier and more logical than I ever did in high school. It is like learning the alphabet and basic grammar. I can tell the book is giving me building blocks to solve bigger and harder puzzles down the road.

It is still fairly abstract (as, imo, maths is doomed to be), but I can already relate it to some of the basic physics I am learning, which really puts things in perspective. It also helps me to bear down and just do the exercises, even if I don't have a specific something to associate the problem with.

I think part of what helped (aside from a fully grown brain and intrinsic motivation, both of which were lacking in high school) is gaining some insight into the structure of maths & physics education tools - I now can actually tell the above (the alphabet & grammar, and the building blocks for problem solving), and I have more handholds for asking teachers and/or google and/or youtube the right kind of questions.

Growing more proficient at STEM through meta, as any true humanities mind would.

I am further deep-diving into my current physics obsession, and am both flabbergasted and immensely satisfied by the logic and definitions of (classical) physics (or at least, of the things I have had a casual peek at thus far).

Also, I'm extra annoyed that I am not getting deep(er)-dive physics at school. Thus far they've had me calculate a bit with Ohm's law, which is alright but they didn't give me any proper definitions of the units in that law (which imo just makes it fancy maths, instead of helping me understand my work).

I'm also getting an increased interest in the history of science. How the fuck were people so smart back in the day?! Drives me nuts.

[bayofbalar]

I am further deep-diving into my current physics obsession, and am both flabbergasted and immensely satisfied by the logic and definitions of (classical) physics (or at least, of the things I have had a casual peek at thus far).

Also, I'm extra annoyed that I am not getting deep(er)-dive physics at school. Thus far they've had me calculate a bit with Ohm's law, which is alright but they didn't give me any proper definitions of the units in that law (which imo just makes it fancy maths, instead of helping me understand my work).

I'm also getting an increased interest in the history of science. How the fuck were people so smart back in the day?! Drives me nuts.

[bayofbalar]

Book Review: The Three-Body Problem

Title: The Three-Body Problem

Author: Cixin Liu

Date Finished: 17-01-2022

Rating: 4.5/5

The Three-Body Problem is a first-contact sci-fi novel situated in modern-day (or near-future) China. Its events are strongly influenced by recent Chinese history, particularly the Cultural Revolution. It features two main storylines, one situated during the Cultural Revolution and one during the current time. The two timelines (and the main character per storyline) slowly start merging together throughout the course of the book. I’d say it rates at least a 4 on the Mohs Scale of Science-Fiction Hardness, possibly higher? (The astro- and quantum physics in this book is fairly complicated and I have probably not even a layman’s understanding of it, so it’s hard to spot any mistakes, simplifications, or artistic licenses in its presentation.) So, this book is not suited for those people who tend to prefer the space opera type of sci-fi.

Despite my lack of understanding, I quite enjoyed the sciencey-ness of this book. I have been on a bit of a physics kick lately, and it was neat to see various theories turn up in which I had been interested. The title refers to a semi-unsolvable mathematical problem, and on top of that it features things like the Kardashev Scale, the Fermi Paradox and the Dark Forest theory (which, considering the title, the next novel in this trilogy will probably expand upon), and some truly weird proton dimensional stuff that I can’t even begin to explain but makes perfect sense within the novel.

I also quite enjoyed the alien civilization in this book. Unlike what is often the case, the aliens here are not mindlessly evil. They are definitely antagonists and ‘big bads’, but they have a good reason for that. Their planet is part of a three-body system, and is likely to get sucked into one of three stars due to the chaotic orbits the bodies are in. They therefore need to find a new, habitable planet, and soon. Due to various reasons, as explained in the book, they feel the need to destroy Earth’s civlilsation to be able to live here. They have rather a ‘first strike’-mentality, if you will. On top of all this, they are vastly technologically advanced, and literally consider humanity as “bugs”. They are really interesting, and definitely the most frightening aliens I have come across in sci-fi to date.

What kept me from giving this book a 5-star rating are some minor issues. If the rest of the book weren’t so good, I’d consider these major offenses... but the rest of the book is that good, and so here we are.

Some plot lines end up being a little anticlimactic. For example, the reason the scientists committed suicide. On top of that, other plot twists were slightly too convenient? See that whole nanomaterial thing near the end of the novel. The pacing is a little bit inconsistent here and there, I think. And lastly, there are moments when the book gets a tiny bit infodump-y. But infodumping is somewhat inherent to speculative fiction, imo, and I don’t personally mind it as much.

But as mentioned, these are minor gripes, for my not inconsiderate standards. (I mean, I’m not exactly fond of aliens/first-contact sci-fi, but this novel quickly jumped up to one of my favourite sci-fi’s I’ve read thus far!)

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Whew! Finished The Three-Body Problem.

What a wild ride! Loved it, I did a preliminary review on Goodreads and I will write a more thorough one for the blog.

Now, what to read next...

I’m thinking one of these:

Piranesi

The Call of Cthulhu

Rivers of London