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[beamzar]

cuddling

[beamzar]

30th November 2023

Open entry: 00:02

Today was very regular.

My media lesson was atrocious, the people that were in charge of teaching us only thought to diss the topic and act like children.

After it though, me and my friends went to sign up at the gym and were given short instructions on how to use everything. Im going to start next week. I wanted to tomorrow but ive got nothing prepared, and i dont like being unprepared at all.

Ive already have a timetable for myself of when to use the gym, just for an extra sense of security.

Monday: 12:25 - 2

Tues: 12:25-1:25/2

Thurs: 10-11:30

Fri: ???

(Thursday and Friday ill have to bring extra things to use the showers so i dont stink)

Wednesday is my free day, to let my muscle regenerate and expand propperly and to hang out with friends.

I dont have a set rep system down yet but i have a general iverview of what to do each day. I think the gym is great tbh, but if i coukd id rather do some sport or anything that would let me build that muscle through activity rather than just gym. I dunno, ive always kept fit and have banger legs from hiking and walking alot in general, so i guess thats why.

Well anyway, psychology went fine aswell, we got to draw stick people in our books.

Form was alright aswell, we didnt learn anything, i just got to chat to my bsf about things before we got out and went to mine.

We also hung out with our friend for a bit and strolled around our school before they set off. Fun stuff.

We sat and chatted about various things, aswell as making boards for our friends, which was fun,had to rack my mind for stuff.

After she left i didnt rly do much exept for lie down. My legs have been killing me lately for no reason. Theyve been getting weaker, and i believe its just joint fatigue from the cold and also my low bpm. My fingers have been getting more and more stiff too, im actually finding it hella difficult to even type this whole thing out. Well,good news though, sickness is gone oretty much. My eyes arent killing me as much, although theyre still stinging and hurting all the time. I might just be severely dehydrated. I think im out of my depressive phase for now, i hope it stays away for as long as possible.

Thats it really. Have a good night.

Pinch punch first of the month no returns.

Close entry: 00:36

[beamzar]

27 November 2023

Open entry: 20:52

Ive met my limit, I dont know when ill get better. Its all a daze, im living in constant agony atp.

Today showed me just how distant, yet close i am to everything. Sounds were amplified by 100,i couldnt even listen to music because of how i coukd hear fucking EVERYTHING. the static in my headphones, the surrounding buzz of cars the people behing me talking and laughing and whispering and snickering. Its all too fucking much. I sat in class today and for a split second, my friend slumped on their seat and leaned on their arms down close to the table. I looked at them, their coat, their hair, their nose poking out and it kind of clicked. For a bit it felt like the people around me were their own individual beings, the people around we werent just blank sillouettes, they werent just a blur of shapes and items. It only lasted a second though. Far too short for me to even believe, but it felt so real, it felt like a punch. Thats when the sound turned on again, thats when my vision got worse. I was overwhealmed by that simple second where people felt real,and suddenly my entire surroundings were fucking killing me. They still are. I want to rip my eardrums out. All i can hear is sound. I can hear static, i can hear the whitenoise, the pulse of my own brain the drips of blood in my head, the neighbors screaming and walking and moving and being people, the slight creaks and friction on my hands on the bed cover. Its too much and i cant turn it off i dont know how to.

On a good note my vision is getting better. Slightly. My eyes hurt like hell still, i still cant see in the light. I felt pain again today. Real pain. I burnt my entire finger. Its all smooth and numb now, it stings but its numb. I just poured water on it.

I did nothing exiting today really. It was all a daze. My smile my reactions felt. so artificial. I felt like an animal. You know the smiling fafe a monkey makes. One, using every muscle of its face to produce an expression we percieve as happiness, one so devoit of all emotion. One with blankness and feral instict behind those blacked out eyes. It felt something like that each time i smiled.

So devoit of life yet still living, still feeling. Im so tired. I only wish to have a good sleeo after today. Sleeping early tends to stop my thinking. It stops me from relapsing further. I hate relapsing. I get immobilised, nipping at all my nails, hurting my teeth in the process. Or picking at my skin. Its whatever. All yap.

I wish to sleep well tonight. I wish you a restful night too.

Close entry: 21:08

[beamzar]

26th November 2023

Open entry: 20:52

I didnt write yesterday, so let me fill you in on that quickly. We woke up and went to the next town over in hopes to do some pottery painting. Sadly it has been overbooked, so that plan is being moved to after Christmas. We did stroll around the market and have tons of fun, sat down at a waterstones and chatted before we both went to mine. It was nice. She was very pretty that day. It is usual for her to be but that day especially. She put a bow in her hair. She was very gorgeous, very smily, very chatty. I havent really had such an effect on anyone ever like this. I might have but not one i can remember so clearly. It was a lovely day.

Today contrasts it significantly. I have been rotting in my room. Blinds down, door closed, clothes on my chair, with only the blinding light of my PC illuminating whats there. Left alone with only my thoughts and my sickened state. My eyes arent getting better. If anything they burn more, they sting being open. My health is deteriorating, i cant keep them open. I tried to work on my Psychology assignments but to no avail. I completed 3 out of 9 pages. Those will spring up to be 11 tomorrow.

Im a mess, i feel disgusting. My emotions are too much to bear. So much to bear and only a few cracks are spilling them out. Im loosing sight of myself as a person honestly, ive been focusing so much on the outside, on everyone else, to try slow time down, to try make things feel more real. To no avail, its not working well, and now i dont know who i am anymore. And when i do try to look for myself i dont see what i am. My dysphoria is back, more and more i feel disgusted with my physical self, aswell as how i speak. I hate feeling feminine. I thought i could make myself like it, i did. At the start of college i tried being more feminine, i tried embracing it, i tried reassuring myself that simple androgyny is fine and what i am, simply to discard the matter that i will never be a guy. People will never see me as a guy, not even the ones im close with. No offence but i see it to be true, i do not mind, its simple reality.

I give myself the hope that soon, hormonal treatment will fix that. But in reality, i cant even have that. Im weighed down between the bond i have with my family. They would never accept me, they can never fathom the sight of me knowing that i am what i am. That scares me. I dont want them to hate me, but im afraid of what i will do if i keep hating myself like this.

I didnt do much today. I ate, played, chatted.

I spoke to my friend of 15yrs. She had nice stories to tell, i love talking to her. Theres a reason why weve been friends for so long.

Ill be resorting to old habits and going into school early to do work right before class. I might rethink this decision, might not. Might regret it, might not. Im thinking of going home early tomorrow to finish what i started from my psychology work. Ill have to have something to show my teacher on tuesday. She wont ask but ill feel guilty if i dont. I want to stay in her class.

Thats it, goodnight.

Close entry: 21:14

[beamzar]

[beamzar]

24th November 2023

Open entry: 09:16

No entry today. It will be a good day. A day not about me, but about my best friend.

It is her birthday today, and i only want to focus on her. Today will be a good day.

Close entry: 09:17

[beamzar]

23rd November 2023

Open entry: 19:54

Today was a good day.

I woke up as usual and threw on whatever cl9thes i had left over from the week. Most of my clothes have been dissapearing, and i dont know where to. Its really irritating bevause ive got like 3 pairs of trousers left to live with. Hoge problem because i will be out and about woth my best friends parents and grandparents to a resturant, and I need to look presentable..... BUT MY TROUSERS ARE GONE. FOREVER. My mum keeps sending my clothes to bulgaria. Its so annoying.

School went completely normal. I was almost late because of my teeth routine, and having to find trousers.. but i managed to get there at a good time. The entire day was kind of a blur, but my last lesson did get cancelled, so me and my bff gpt out early. We went to her house and had a good chat. We talked woth her mom for like an hour. She is very "hip and cool", a very kind and nice person to be around. She is so cheery, shes like an angel in disguise. They were making Thanksgiving dinner, it looked very cozy. Her dad is super cool too. Also very cheery and outgoing. He met my mom, which im really haply about. Im glad they take me as an extension of the family like that, because i see them the same way. We havent knowm eachother for long, but they are definatelly like my 2nd family. Ive always wanted to have a younger sister, and my bsf is certainly the best person to have. In general. Im glad she opens up to me. I admire her alot, and she was one of the best things that happened to me my entire lifetime,so im happy that i can provide her with a safe space to talk things through. I love her dearly and i want to do everything in my will to heal her soul where it has been wronged, bwcause she deseeves the best in life, hinestly.

Everyone of my friends do really. I told them this. I hope they saw my words to be true, and take them to heart, because im honest. Writing this feels like putting my fingers on knives, because im very shy, but i have to tell them all how much i love them. I need to reassure them that they are loved and appreciated, because i never had that. I never had reassurance, i never had that support, so i want to provide it to them. To love them the way I havent been, love them the way they deserve to be loved. I cant honestly believe that they are real, that my life righr now is real.

All my life ive honestly lived in a daze, in a flash. I was at the pit bottom of my trail, a shell of a human being. And while im regaining my sences slowly, i still do feel like this, all the time. I cant accept the fact that all of the sudden, my life has gone from misery to comfort and joy.

My past has stripped me from all emotion really, i pile everything up and hang it to dry until it hits me like a train and i completely shut off and distance myself.

Well thats dialed dowm now, bevause of them. And i still cant fully adjust to this change. Being loved like this has hinestly been such a distant thing to me all my life, so i often need to ground myself and give myself time to realise that its all real, all in present time.

I do really love my friends.

Im exited for tomorrow to come.

Close entry: 20:11

[beamzar]

22nd November 2023

Open Entry: 19:26

Today was a good day.

Woke up very groggy, my voice was even huskier than the day before. What fixed it was a very VERY hot shower in the morning. I like Wednesdays because usually i dont have to rush to get things done, although this will end soon when i actually start attending my maths class. I wasnt able to prepare breakfast or lunch though, so i had to pass by a corner shop and buy 2 croissants and a strawberry yazoo (2 because the minimum card payment was 3£) (total scam but i gobbled those up anyway, so nothing was wasted in the end anyway).

School was nice, I didnt sneeze that much or anything. I honestly expected it to be way worse because of the large break and barely being able to survive cause of this virus. The only thing that really bugged me was my vision going blurry, and my eyes burning and swelling up. I was dizzy and practically blind the whole day, even started walking on the road (didnt die thanks to my friends lol).

I was alot more talkative and playful too i think. I think my friends are getting very comfortable around me, which is the best feeling ever. I value all of them a ton, so being nice to be around to them means the world to me. We had a nice walk, some nice chats. Film was suprisingly decent too. My eyes were burning up tho and i honestly felt like that clip of Dream, where he kept putting his head in his forearm. Damn Sarah for not warning us about the lights. It was comfy and warm in the class though, which is nice seeing as the outside completely contrasted it.

After the lesson i spent some time with my friends. Again, very fun. I love being around them.

The walk home honestly was alright. It was dark and sketchy as always, i kept getting weird looks from some creepy men. Might have been because i was lip syncing and drumming to Type O negative tho lol. I like listening to them when i have to walk alone in the dark, or metal in general. It makes me feel less scared. I think my favourite bit of that was the part by the park. The hill woth the forest behind it looks like something out of a fever dream. Very creepy, but in a good way sorta.

Got home got dressed, usual stuff. Mh dad called me, as he promised he would yesterday. I had a very nice talk with him, lasted about 1 hour. I love him alot, he kept telling me jokes and preaching life lessons. I ended up showing him one of my recent artworks, which he LOVED. I was so happy he did, he seemed very proud. What did make me sad is him not believing me when i said he was the best dad id ever ask for. Really got to me, because hes been his best for me, hes been the best to me, and in all honesty i wouldnt replace him with anyone else if given the chance to. Hes great, and has shown me a ton.

Close Entry: 19:45

Heres todays song:

[beamzar]

⋆｡°✩Intro Post𖥔 ݁ ˖

✮Nicknames are either beam or el✮

ᕦ(ò_óˇ)ᕤ Bulgarian living in UK 🇧🇬🇧🇬

Demiboy & Pan teen

⋆｡°✩He/Him pronouns ✮𖥔 ݁ ˖

𖥔 ݁ ˖𖥔 ݁ ˖Very neurodivergent, wont shut the fuck up (but also wont text first)

#2nd place loser award

⋆｡°✩Dance studio ↓↓↓↓↓

⋆｡°✩ Goth, metal, nu metal, trashy, 60s-00s pop n rock, shoegaze ✮✮

---->>>>>music obsessed <<<- - -

London after Midnight, Type O Negative, She wants Revenge, The Smiths yada yada

⋆｡°✩⋆｡°✩All that good stuff✮

✮Proud Taylor Swift and Arianna grande hater✮

⋆｡°✩Interest stuffs ↓↓↓

⋆｡°✩⋆｡°✩ Tons of games, from 2000s horror to shit like Valorant

Top list ↓↓

-> Indie horrors: Sally Face, Fran Bow, Night In The Woods

->RPG Horrors: Resident Evil, Amnesia, Silent Hill, FNAF ect +any Fromsoft game if you consider them horror

-> RPG: Undertale, Final Fantasy (7),God of War, Genshin/Honkai (barely play) ect

-> Coop: Unravel 2, Valorant, The Forest (+SotF), Dont starve together, Dead Island 2 ect

⋆｡°✩⋆｡°✩Show Parade n such ↓↓↓↓↓↓

->Anime: KNY, Mob Psycho 100, A silent voice, Doukyuusei, Evangalion, HXH, exct

-> Ghibli: Porco Rosso, Castle in the sky, Kikis delivery Service, Howls moving Castle

-> Shows: Moon knight, loki, hannibal, Wayne ect

-> Movies: Adam, How to train your dragon (duology, the 3rd movie is ass), Better days exct

⋆｡°✩DNI list + boundaries𖥔 ݁ ˖

-> Basic DNI criteria (Racism, homophobia yada yada) yall arent tolerated

->DSMP fans

-> i cant think of anything else, dni if youre an asshole ig????

✮Mentions of grooming, just pls dont

-> dont yell at me ill try act tough n cry

✮Here 2 have fun, judge free zone 🦇🦇

-> Local divorced dad, DMs are open to anyone who needs them 𖥔 ݁ ˖

-> Nature enthusiast, fuck capitalism and the government (live life in the woooods [¬º-°]¬)

Did i Miss anything?? QnA??? LOLOL

[beamzar]

21st Nov 2023

Open entry: 19:35

I caught a virus from central London on Sunday, and havent recovered since. The illness has died down quite rapidly, but not quick enough. Chesty coughs, frequent sneezes and all that good stuff. Its pretty horrible, everyones getting sick.

Well anyway, my day has been boring. Woke up at 4am in a cold sweat. I pretty much stripped myself off of all clothing because i felt suffocated. I dont like the feel of thick clothes on me while i sleep, they make me all sweaty and gross. I then woke up again at 6am. This time by my mom who came in to check up on me. I had a slight fever which fixed up a few hours later. Per norm. I dont really remember what happened afterward. I kept falling in and out of sleep, quite uncomfortable. Ive made a mess of myself multiple times today, wether it was from a poor attempt at eating the pizza i had thrown in the oven, or a darn sneeze. I hate sneezing, mostly because they always cancel out or pop my ears.

I stayed in bed most the day, occasionally popping into the bathroom because of an uneasy feeling in my stomach. The bad part was that, it was dark, and damp. It wasnt a cozy sort of warm. Even though i had 2 thick blankets on me, my skin was still cold, and covered in sweat in some areas. I had been in bed for hours all tucked in so why was my skin still so cold??? Well anyway, i couldnt game or anything because my eyes burn, and im constantly dizzy. I did play a bit of Night In the Woods when i got bored of sleeping, but that didnt last long. The puzzles from the Lost Constellation minigame honestly made my headache worse. Plus, i cant read well.

I ate alright today, nothing too fancy but, still ate enough to survive. About to have dinner. Its meat. Kebab in my language, with fries. I dont really like kebab that much, and eating meat rn would mess me up, but im still starving.

Might watch some hannibal with my friends in a bit, were finally starting season 2. Im very exited. A bit irritated that i cant binge watch it but, that factor is redeemed by the company, and the laughs (or grossed out comments) we share. Fun stuff.

I feel like shit but, hopefully ill be able to go to school tomorrow. My psychology teacher hasnt answered my email, and our class tomorrow was cancelled, so i guess i wont be able to catch up.

Close entry: 19:50

Heres a song, it doesnt really relate to anything. Take it as a reccomendation or something