becauseeiloveyou
Asu Wa Kuru Kara
Always keep the faith ;
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past - present - future
it used to scare me how deeply i feel about things; in those days it felt as if my heart could be ripped off my chest. there was a lot of yearning, there was a lot of remembering, and hurting, and hating. strangely, though there is a lot more happiness these days, somewhere deep down there is a void. it feels as though a core part of me- an instinct? primitive? fundamental? part is missing.
those were dark days, yet the plethora of emotions i felt then made me feel alive. i feel almost like a walking zombie now. day by day, i live feeling uninspired. i am surrounded by people i know do not care about me, and other people who only care enough to pick my flaws.
i desperately scramble to explore different art forms to find an outlet to let these emotions flow. but it is difficult, and life has been really dreary.
the hardest part of it all, is feeling like i’m trapped, and something invisible is blocking the emotions from flowing. i have trained myself to be so logical that now it is hindering the way of my feelings, and i can’t really feel myself anymore.
it is scary- because i know something is lingering in the undercurrents, and i can’t seem to see the signs. it’s like my heart doesn’t belong to me anymore.
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blame
learnt a very important lesson today in the midst of struggling to comprehend my feelings in the past 2 months- that it is so convenient and so effortless to push/throw blame to another person to feel a little better about yourself (without properly understanding the circumstances surrounding the issue). how malignant blame can be- merely serves to propagate another round of blame so that situations can come to light). and how much of this action is actually just, a subterfuge?
has been a tumultuous 2 months (in mind and body). i try so hard to wake up in the morning and tell myself how blessed i am to have work to do, that i am such a "useful" member of this society. but really, to what extent must i keep living my days that barely feel like days anymore. i set about my morning routines trying to curb the pangs of anxiety that the system (is it really?) has planted in my heart and mind, watered by this culture of blaming, and keeps growing and growing and growing. these days, my body starts to feel the pain my mind cannot handle anymore, manifesting as symptoms of hyperventilation and chest tightness. yet how can i show this feeling of helplessness at work except to mask it with ebullience.
the system feels so indomitable and so many air their complaints especially on social media. but honestly, how many of these people can say with all sincerity that they are not perpetrators of this "toxic culture", a term that has become so so hackneyed. in the colleagues i've heard vent their frustrations at this environment, i've also seen blame others for "not doing enough", "not handing over properly", "doing a crappy job". and worst of all, seniors who vex and magnify trivial issues in front of a big team, at the poor on-calls. and these are just some things which so unknowingly breed fear, the one big cause of blame. felt extremely shitty today after being blamed by a colleague that i wasn't doing something right, and felt even more terrible after i let my feelings of indignity get the better of me and forwarded the blame whole to my senior who was supposed to have done the job. why? because i felt like such a hypocrite, it hit me so strong suddenly that i became a perpetrator of this endless cycle of blame.
really wish i were in a community that was more nurturing, less anxiety-inducing. and i wish i could stop feeling like i am constantly producing aberrant standards, stop feeling like i'm not enough and i can't do things right. really really cannot go about another 2 months treading with such trepidation every single day, and end my day in massive lethargy from this anxiety withdrawal.
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on days i think with my heart and not my brain -
i sit on the passenger seat of your car, and look out the window
watch as the world move by
have you ever realised, we are always moving faster than the world
the only objects keeping pace are the trees standing rooted, and the stationary lamp posts...
"what are you thinking?" you ask,
i jolt from my daydream, scramble to nick even the most frivolous of thoughts
"you know, you might want to ask- 'what are you feeling?' instead"
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