beedaboopwrites

[beedaboopwrites]

A life of no regrets

A person is accustomed to have regrets. Because it is everyone's first living, apologies to the spiritualists, every brand new day is but an attempt at living. So when you are on your death bed thinking about all the possible things you could've done a different way or a certain way when you were capable, you birth regrets. In the midst of this indispensable desire to poke oneself, one forgets the process of it all. The beginning or the ending does not matter at all. It is the process which gives value. People often forget the journey they go through and obsessively fixiate on their final destination. When someone meets their sweet demise it is only probable to remember them for who they were and how they were. To only think about the journey or the happy times is not selfish if anything it's a perspective everyone should adopt. To think about the one's who are not with us in a loving way. To only and only remember the good because that's how everyone wishes to be remembered. Regrets are a mean little excuse to have not lived life fully. If you live life to your fullest you will have no regrets. And for that instance to happen one must learn to forgive themself, one must learn to take the ship and sail with it no matter how strong the storm appears, one must do whatever they can and give back to the nature in the most sutle way possible. One must always listen to their hearts as it may be on your left but it's always right. Only then, when you look at the sky for the last time, your thoughts won’t be filled with sadness for what you couldn’t do, but gratitude for the journey you had and the people you met along the way.

[beedaboopwrites]

Dear Brother,

I really hated you when we were kids and I even sometimes hoped to have been the only child but I realize it now that it was never your fault. It wasn't my fault either. I mean if you would compare a 6 years old child[and continue to do so] to her sibling who is clearly a different person and gender, at a time when all she needs is absolute love and support from her very own parents to shield herself from the outside world, of course she would want her sibling to have never lived. But even though I hated you so much as a kid and I thought of all these evil things I know it would've hurt me to some major extents if any of those were to come true. Because I still loved you and admired you and I wanted to be you. I still do.

I'm glad that I grew up and I got to know you more, cause even if not entirely but definitely to some extent we are alike. I like our small random talks about life, I like how our music tastes are so similar though i still don't understand how you magically like K-pop now, I like how we've been in so many similar situations and I like how we both sometimes don't know how to act in certain situations, I like that we sometimes think alike, I like how we sometimes make fun of our parents, I like that we both like anime. There are so many things that i like about us now, that younger me wouldn't understand. I always blamed you for being the smart one growing up and I always thought you had it easy but I was so blind to not have seen clearly. I forgot that the things I witnessed as a child and went through as a child, you were there to witness them too and even though you were older than me you were still a child. I mean that must have also affected you mentally and emotionally like it did to me. I think you hated me too at some point of your life but i hope you understand my side too. Now when i think about it without you my life would be just dull and sad but with you here we can both get traumatized.

I know you are the older one but sometimes i get this feeling of protecting you, whenever our parents talk trash about you, kinda cringe but okay.

Of course i still sometimes don't like you because of how you behave distant and ignorant and i sometimes wish that you would stand up for me once to our parents.

I know what type of a person you are and im scared cuz i dont want you to turn into our parents you know

See now i would never say this to you to your face but uh i really am proud of you and i really love you and i would never trade you for any one in the world.

Maybe you'll never see this or maybe you will if i die and then you go through all my secret google accounts and find tumblr which is sooo highly unlikely or maybe i get murdered and the fbi takes my laptop and every thing into possession and finds my secret tumblr account which is more likely to happen but i just wanted to put this out there yk.

[beedaboopwrites]

Hopeless Love

When you truly love someone I mean truly, a part of them always stays with you, no matter how hard you try you can never let go completely. It sounds cute but its often not for the person actually bearing that part. Its like a shadow which never leaves and it follows you everywhere you go, whatever you do. Of course, when it gets dark you don't see the shadow but you know it's there, following you and even a small streak of light is enough for you to know that its there and that it never left. Just like the times when you fool yourself that maybe you have moved on but you are only fooling yourself, even the smallest of the things could bring back all those memories you buried deep hoping to get rid of them.

When you love someone, suddenly everything starts to make sense, you are the happiest then and even the littlest of the little things make you happy. You suddenly understand what those love songs meant and you listen to them all day cause they remind you of the love you developed. You think of them all day in fact they are the only thing you can possibly think of, suddenly everything reminds you of them, suddenly you have someone to care for, you have someone to trust, you start to think of a future, you start to feel loved and that's where you go wrong.

Just like how it takes two hands to clap, two halves to make a whole, two wings to fly and two legs to walk a love needs two hearts to grow. You need each other to grow. But when you become the only cause and strength of the house you build, it slowly falls apart cause there is only so much you can bear. Right when you start feeling loved it all comes crashing down. You are then caught in this lie and this feeling of deceitfulness. The future you thought of doesn't look so bright anymore. It's even worse than rejection honestly. The moment you understand that this was all one sided. And blinded by trust you gave someone something so precious hoping for him to do the same but you were blind, defenseless and he took the opportunity. Left you weaker than you already were.

It hits hard. Everything becomes sad. Everything around you becomes sad. Even when you smile it seems undeserving. The love songs you listened to, do not hold the same meaning anymore, they suffocate you and you start to hate them. But the world goes on, the same world which stopped when you fell in love, does not grieve with you. And despite of everything crumbling down you can't seem to blame the person who caused your downfall, instead you blame yourself. Cause, how can a moon be imperfect? It's perfectly round. If anyone is flawed then it's the observer who must be blind. You blame yourself for not being good enough, you blame yourself for being blind, you blame yourself for being the flaw even though you broke your back building the home alone, and you hate yourself for even thinking someone would love you.

Countless nights of crying yourself to sleep, days and days of looking into the mirror and searching for yourself, you start to wither. Your desperate attempts to gain sympathy from others is nothing but a hoax, it's not the sympathy you want. You want someone to understand you, you want someone to tell you that you are not the flaw, you want someone to give you hope. And when that does happen, when you start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, when you start to move on and when you successfully do, you become a person with a lesson. A lesson well learned.

You realize that it was never you to begin with. The moon is not perfect it only appears to be perfect. From a distance it's perfectly round but up close it has flaws and that observer saw right through it. You start to find yourself again. When you look in the mirror you see yourself but you also weep. Weep for girl you blamed, weep for the girl you were so unkind to, weep for the girl who loved and weep for the girl who finally found herself again.

Letting go, one of the hardest things to do. And when you finally do let go you give yourself a false hope. A hope of being completely free of that sorrow but the same littlest of the little things that made you happy, now haunt you forever, just like a shadow. You can't do anything but accept it as a part of yourself. A part you will take with you to the grave and maybe in the afterlife too. It's not a sin you know, to love, it's completely involuntary, it's what keeps us alive. To be able to love is both a blessing and a curse. Some people can handle it some can't. Sometimes it has consequences sometimes it doesn't but one thing is for sure that it needs efforts to grow.

Of course when you tell your peers about the part you just can't seem to get rid of they will tell you to "move on already" certainly by keeping your best interests in mind but what do they know? What does anyone ever know? Even you didn't know yourself a few days ago. But you wouldn't want them to understand anyways cause that would mean they would have to go through, what you call, hopeless love, where you hopelessly love someone and get blinded by that same love, heck you wouldn't even wish that upon your enemies.

[beedaboopwrites]

Emotions

Sometimes i don't understand these feelings i get. Its like a whirl of different emotions inside me like a tornado and they always bring destruction within. These different emotions i have are never pleasant. Maybe its because of the negative environment im in? who knows. I like cats scratch that i love them but i was never allowed to keep one to this day. I feel like a cat would make my life tolerable. Anyways, this past week was...i dont even know. I was mostly home and only spent quality time with my bff just how i like but then again i started having these negative thoughts about my life being stuck in one place bla bla bla im even used to those negative thoughts now lol. Its probably unhealthy but oh well. Im going to be in my 3rd year soon tomorrow is D-day ill finally get my grade card but i doubt. They always mess up and i end up getting my grade card like 2 months or so after everyone else ugh i hate this college. I have a feeling that they will mess up again tomorrow ugh i hate it here! At first i didnt have the motivation i needed but now? Now i dont even know what to do with my life anymore im officially stuck and i doubt i can escape.

[beedaboopwrites]

Mid Day

T'was a busy day as usual, people were rushing here and there in some sorts of hurry. Me and my two friends who just got out of a really exhausting week, unlike the people around us decided to go out and have fun. I dressed simple nothing fancy simply because i didn't see the point of dressing up on such a sunny busy day. Now that i think about it we actually travelled a lot, went to the sea where i clicked some pictures of my friends then went to a fancy restaurant for lunch and then just walked walked and walked ah yes i also remember visiting the market from which i bought this blue colored bracelet, blue because i recently found out that it was the color i liked more than the other colors.

I fed a cat which was clearly hungry and i happened to carry cat food with me in case i encountered cats like her. At some point we got on a bus and i remember seeing the cutest thing ever, there was this old man with a cap and the cap had a mini fan on it which worked on solar energy, my heart melted when i saw that for some reason.

At this point i was so tired and it was also getting dark outside and i just wanted to go home. So we were on a train back going home and i was in this deep thought. Despite of the things me and my friends did i still did not have much fun it was kind of like a mid day. Everything just seemed mid. When i got home i was sad for some reason i don't know what's wrong with me but i just feel this way, i get easily annoyed of my friends or anyone around me i cry over the fact that everyone around me is changing and i am just stuck in this loophole which never seems to end. Everyone has something going on in their life but im just simply existing. I feel like such a side character sometimes. I hope i get better.

I wake up to these same four walls, look at these same people, do the same boring routine and its fucking killing me i want change WHERE IS THE CHANGE I OH SO DESPERATELY LOOK FOR AND WHY IS IT NOT HAPPENEING TO ME?