beemintty

[beemintty]

i want to go

no if you go you won’t get to wake up to another sunrise over the ocean as the waves lap up to the shore and was away the shells

i WANT to go

no but what about when the weather gets cooler and you wake up warm in your duvet isn’t that worth staying for?

i want to GO

no you’ll never get watch the moon rise over your house at 2 am when you’ve been sitting out since midnight counting stars again

I WANT TO GO

you say that but then you convince yourself the world is worth staying

[beemintty]

[beemintty]

i don’t want to die.

but i fear nothing will happen unless i do.

[beemintty]

i don’t have the permission slip signed by trauma saying that i’m allowed to walk those halls

[beemintty]

such broken words for a happy girl -title of a book i’ll never write

[beemintty]

how much of what i told my christian friend about my faith was a lie?

“it’s not conflicting anymore” (lie)

“i miss going to church” (lie)

“we don’t have to talk about it” (lie)

“it’s not that deep” (lie)

because the truth is my faith is conflicting and i feel terrified at church and i have to talk about it and it’s so deep i can’t see the world without it….

[beemintty]

and the moon was full 24 times since we decided that it it might be nice to give us a try.

[beemintty]

[beemintty]

people like to think they saw it coming

they say “you were never really interested in boys”

but my heart didn’t linger with anyone until her

so how would any of you know

not even i could know

not even i know

[beemintty]

“i know when it’s time to go”

[beemintty]

Day 119 cleansing the #caitvi tl

They love eachother so much I die

Kofi

[beemintty]

the peace of a room full of laughter makes me think maybe i’ve done it, maybe i’ve built the safe place for all of us who never got to have it.

[beemintty]

people watching blog today:

a girl walks past eating an ice cream sandwich

the girl next to me reads her book

a couple of mates catch up over a can of coke

another two sit and eat lunch together

hundreds of students pass on their way to class or the library or a sunny spot to sit for lunch or home even

[beemintty]

don’t ask me not to be angry

a girl who believed in love told me her location when she was going for coffee with a mate today

she felt unsafe in a usually safe space because one man decided his pleasure was more important and changed the course of her entire life

i am angry

[beemintty]

drip, drip, drip,

the sound of water as it falls off the tip of their nose.

drip, drip, drip,

the sound of blood leaking from their wrists.

drip, drip, drip,

the sound of the last bit of rum from an upturned bottle.

drip, drip, drip,

the sound of vomit as it dribbles from their lips.

smash,

the glass falls.

crunch,

their bones shatter.

bang,

the gun fires.

blub,

the bubbles stop.

thud,

they fall….

they fall like fruit from tree,

suddenly and left untouched on the ground to rot.

smash, crunch, bang, blub, thud….

they keep dying,

and i stand their watching, unmoving.

thud,

i fall to the floor,

my knees protest,

i claw at my feet which seem to be glued to the ground,

the water mixed rum and blood and bile pools where i lay flailing,

move!

one word

one more minute on the phone

one knock on the door

one hug

one whispered “stay”

one step in their direction

and maybe their bodies wouldn’t be laying around me

if only i could save them!

if only i could MOVE!

but i can only watch as,

smash, crunch, bang, blub, thud.

drip, drip, drip…

i can only watch as their blood stains my skin.

i can only stand bloodied and broken.

was i truly the only one who wished to live,

cursed to watch their life ebbing away?

and what is bravery if i did not save them?

is it standing again when they are gone,

or is it going with them?

i may never know….

drip, drip, drip.

Bang!

My ears ring with the lasting sound, muffling everything around me. She fell.

Bang!

The next shot went off. He fell.

Bang! Bang! Bang!

They fell, dropping like flies all around me. One by one, my ears still ringing, they fell.

One step. One step could save them.

One kind word.

One hug.

One action.

Yet my feet stay glued, unable to step.

I fall.

Fall to the ground where the blood of my loved ones swims at my hands and feet.

I fall.

I scream.

A scream of anguish; no one that cares will ever hear me.

I could have made one step; one word, and maybe I could have saved them.

But I didn’t.

I wasn’t brave enough.

I wasn’t kind enough.

I wasn’t smart enough.

I wasn’t enough.

So I watch them point a gun at there head and pull the trigger.

I watch them fall.

Bang!

I’m on the ground soaked in their blood.

Was I really the only one that had a desire to live?

Slowly, their sickly, red, blood seeps into the fibres of my white dress, staining it dark.

I stand, blood red dress, tears, brokenness and all.

Maybe bravery is still standing when everyone you ever loved is gone,

or maybe it’s going with them,

I may never know.

[beemintty]

Bang!

My ears ring with the lasting sound, muffling everything around me. She fell.

Bang!

The next shot went off. He fell.

Bang! Bang! Bang!

They fell, dropping like flies all around me. One by one, my ears still ringing, they fell.

One step. One step could save them.

One kind word.

One hug.

One action.

Yet my feet stay glued, unable to step.

I fall.

Fall to the ground where the blood of my loved ones swims at my hands and feet.

I fall.

I scream.

A scream of anguish; no one that cares will ever hear me.

I could have made one step; one word, and maybe I could have saved them.

But I didn’t.

I wasn’t brave enough.

I wasn’t kind enough.

I wasn’t smart enough.

I wasn’t enough.

So I watch them point a gun at there head and pull the trigger.

I watch them fall.

Bang!

I’m on the ground soaked in their blood.

Was I really the only one that had a desire to live?

Slowly, their sickly, red, blood seeps into the fibres of my white dress, staining it dark.

I stand, blood red dress, tears, brokenness and all.

Maybe bravery is still standing when everyone you ever loved is gone,

or maybe it’s going with them,

I may never know.

[beemintty]

*closed eyes clenched fists* maintain hope maintain hope maintain hope maintain hope