beemintty

[beemintty]

i guess i go knowing that this will be far from the last time i’ll pick you up with heavy eyes

after all it is far from the first

i go knowing that i would pick you up a thousand more time again and i wouldn’t even hesitate

[beemintty]

“look look it’s us!”

and all i can think is i’m glad she’s safe here

[beemintty]

the guilt i carry for leaving my baby sister behind

it’s twisted because i left her in a good home

with four walls, a door

and dog that would greet her

and a cat that would sit at the end of her bed pretending she hates her

i left her with our parents who have been the most wonderful parents anyone could ask for

i left her in our home

how could i feel guilty for leaving her in such a warm house

but i get phone calls from her

and she’ll be sitting in my empty room

on my unmade bed

just wishing i wasn’t hours away

she’ll sit in our warm home alone

a home that’s getting colder because we were the only thing that kept the fires on

an i hate having to be so far from my baby sister

but i don’t have any other choice

i couldn’t stay there

that home was warm and safe

but it was stagnant

it was still

and i can’t stop wiggling

my home now isn’t home without my door slightly ajar from you not closing it

or the cupboards all open in the kitchen

or the sickly sweet smell of candles from your bedroom

i’m sorry for leaving you without wood to place on the hearth

but soon

in 6 months time

you’ll be all grown up

you’ll have graduated and you’ll start your new adventure here in the big city with me

and we won’t be alone we’ll have them and we can all start to build our own little family

[beemintty]

i used to approach things with fear

i wouldn’t climb a tree without trembling

i would cry for help at the top of the slide

but i guess now

i’m still afraid

but if i don’t allow my heart to beat a little faster

then it might cease to beat at all

[beemintty]

take up space

that’s my biggest fear

so do it

[beemintty]

let me tell you a secret about trusting me

it’s easy to do i guess

i get people to trust me whole heartedly all the time

i must give off some sort of innocent energy

but when you trust me you give me a lot of power

when you trust me completely i am presented with the opportunity to use it

and i wouldn’t harm you

never

because this much is true:

i do care about you

that is why i ask you to trust me in the first place

but listen

i’ve gotten myself out of being caught for things a million times just because my word is trusted

it’s my word against someone else

and you trust me

even if i’m wrong….

and you don’t know this happens of course because you don’t think i’m capable of using you like that

but i am

and i will

because i’m human

you have an image of me and i have to keep it

even if protecting it contradicts my perceived “nature”

yet you wholeheartedly trust me:

a gaslighter

a manipulator

a liar

does that scare you?

[beemintty]

i’m in my morally grey era

i’m sorry if that’s off putting

it’s just self hatred in the form of story telling

[beemintty]

the girl i was 5 years ago new who she was…

the girl i am has no fucking clue….

[beemintty]

Happy PRIDE MONTH 🫶🫶🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️💖

[beemintty]

sit in a quiet park and vlog like no one can see you

when i see you i won’t judge you

[beemintty]

people watching in the valley:

people line the streets

they line up

they sit on the curb

they walk in shoes that hurt to dance in but look so damn good

and we use our free will to look like princesses amongst the drunk and stumbling

[beemintty]

you know sometimes i think about when and how i’ll ask you to marry me one day

i’m a hopeless romantic so i always think it’ll be something extraordinarily special

but in reality it’ll probably be just one day on a beach sitting in the sand

i’ll pull a box i’ve been carrying around for months waiting for the “right moment”

and i’ll see you

just you

sitting in the sand

and i’ll decide that we aren’t a “perfect moment” kind of pair

we are just a pair

who’s here

right now

[beemintty]

the part of my soul that was so certain about who i was turned blue

now i can’t tell it apart from all the rest of the blues

[beemintty]

we know how the story ends

we know there won’t be any good ending

we know this and we gasp anyway

we know this and we tell the story anyway

[beemintty]

vyemelyanova on ig

[beemintty]

In light of some of the many things happening across the world this year, I thought this Pride Month needed a special illustration.

Happy Pride Month, may we all stay safe, look after each other, and keep painting our rainbows, no matter what. 🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️

[beemintty]

if it were me look in, i’d notice the girl trying to discreetly wipe away her tears on the bus.

but did anyone else notice her or did she convince you all she had mascara in her eyes?