beetch-musings

[beetch-musings]

[beetch-musings]

for my seventeenth birthday, my parents planned out a gender reveal for me. with the first friend that accepted me during my gender evolution and a boyfriend that was a bit too old for me, i had few people ready to celebrate my family finally accepting me as i was. to an extent.

there wasn't going to be help with my transition, of course. by this point, we were close enough to me being eighteen and being able to make the decision on my own for it to matter. but the support in their actions was enough to satisfy me for a moment. there wasn't consistency, they still struggled with using my new pronouns and name even though they helped me change it, but my family seemed to start trying. i found a weight lifting in this mixture of a funeral for my womanhood and birth to free masculinity.

this boyfriend would leave because he didn't want to be with someone more manly. it hurt to see someone i cared for reject the glimpse of my true self they saw. i laugh at the idea of wanting him now. the masculinity i bore was that of the men around me, but it was a costume. a mask to wear while i figured out what truly laid underneath. i was never taught to distinguish masc from man and this left me confused.

the beautiful butch i found underneath was not a woman. he put me in a headlock to reveal my belly for a t shot. he adjusted my clip-on bow tie in the club bathroom because i didn't know how to tie an actual tie. he showed me the wonders of wearing a skirt in an androgynous manner. he held my hand as i fell asleep before top surgery. he taught me that masculinity just is. there's no man at the door waiting for me, but there was still a woman buried in the process.

women around can tell that she died, they eye me warily thinking it was murder. they see someone who has betrayed them. they would rather have me buried alive on top of her coffin than placing a rose on the dirt mound and saying my goodbyes. they want me to either put the mask on and wander in a world i never truly learned or felt comfortable with or dig up that body and prop her up. we both know at some point the scent of rotting flesh would get to them, but they'd just spritz her with perfume and go about their day.

i feel the weight of her death every day. sometimes i wander to her grave and play back the memories. sometimes i put on the dresses she left behind. sometimes i can hear her voice in my ear, but we are different people. i loved the woman she was and i don't think i will ever abandon her, but i wish her suicide was not blamed on me. she would have died whether or not i came out breathing on the other side

[beetch-musings]

can't describe the help i need

sitting on the kitchen floor

weeping

at least the tears

will start to pour

was starting to think

i couldn't anymore

staring at the tile

i know it's been a while

but the words still won't flow

and patience doesn't drain slow

you want an explanation

i'm hunting for one too

it's not a new sensation

and it's far from elation

but i can't describe this shade of blue

i hope you'll forgive me for losin it

i hope you won't mind me 'cause i just can't quit

tryin' to find the words to explain

everything rattling in my brain

phrases just don't come easy

and i'm scared of you leavin

cause i can't find the words

[beetch-musings]

staring out the window at the rain

i can feel the tears welling in my own eyes

as if the earth is my crying mother

and i can’t help but share her misery

i know once it’s over, her shining smile will come through once again

and perhaps will fill me with some joy, some calm after all the hurt has been released

after the heavy storms have brought down debris that i’ll have to clear out of the way later

for now, i shall empathize

i understand why she is hurting

but i will empathize from under my umbrella

from inside my home

[beetch-musings]

contrary to popular belief not everyone has an innate sense of internal gender or care to have one or seek a name for it, some people go their whole lives without questioning their occupation in one of two gender roles, but for some people, if pressed, they don’t feel that internal sense of ‘i am a woman’ or ‘i am a man’, and in that case i feel the switch over to transgender vs cisgender relies on active identification of a gender other than the one they were assigned. if someone’s like ‘idk dude I just work here’ then that’s valid