being-on-fire - Tumblr blog

[being-on-fire]

Y'know, if a formerly well-behaved straight A student suddenly starts almost not passing their classes and crying all the time and getting into trouble, maybe the default conclusion from every authority figure should not be that they are lazy and simply need to pull themselves together. Maybe instead you should give them stimulants or HRT or let them kill their parents and see if one of those three things resolves the issue.

[being-on-fire]

[being-on-fire]

The Diary of Anaïs Nin, 1944–1947

[being-on-fire]

What's wild is that you'll have an abusive parent. And you'll maintain a relationship with them despite your better instincts because that's your parent and you want them to be a parent. And one day you'll bring up all the things that they did to you because they need to be addressed. The baggage needs to be unpacked. And they'll say what do you want me to do with this box of rotting flesh? And you'll say I want you to acknowledge the box of rotting flesh. I want you to apologize for cutting it off of me and stuffing it into that box and then forcing the box onto me. I want you to recognize that I have been carrying this box for years. And I want you to help me carry it. And they'll say well where's my apology for you putting your unsuspecting body into my hands and then expecting me not to stick a knife in you? And you just have to move on because the only alternative is rotting in the box yourself.

[being-on-fire]

the miseries of trying to get mental health care are numerous, but in particular I hate the constant embarrassment of it. "Oh you have disease of constant sadness and low self-esteem? Well if you want help fixing it, you're gonna need to go tell several successive strangers about your innermost feelings and describe how you fail to accomplish even the most basic tasks, and half of them won't even believe you, and will instead parrot back your darkest beliefs about yourself that you struggle to ignore! Have fun!"

[being-on-fire]

they should invent a mother who is normal and says normal things and has normal interactions with her child

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In another universe, I’m not afraid of your footsteps

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attempting to explain to your mother that she may, at some point in her life, have made a non-optimal decision

[being-on-fire]

sometimes i wish i could grab my childhood self and shake them by the shoulders and say YOU'RE GOOD. YOU'RE WORTH LOVING. THERE ARE PEOPLE WHOSE LIVES ARE MADE BETTER BECAUSE OF YOU. YOU ARE NOT A BURDEN. YOU ARE NOT DAMNED. SOMEDAY YOU WILL CRY OVER SUNSETS AND POETRY MORE THAN YOUR OWN PAIN. I NEED YOU TO REMEMBER THAT YOU'RE GOOD. YOU'RE WORTH LOVING. but i can't go back in time, so i say it to myself now. because i believe there's a future version of me looking back on this moment feeling the exact same way.

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lots of times if I tell my boyfriend that I am proud of him for dealing with a situation, or that I'm sorry he's having to deal with a situation, he will say "no it's my own fault." meaning that he feels like he doesn't deserve praise or comfort for dealing with a situation that is his fault. (for example a financial problem caused or exacerbated by him having been too anxious or absentminded to deal with the situation sooner.) and I tell him this and I will tell y'all this, that I don't believe that. I think you are even braver and stronger for taking steps to deal with a mess that is of or partly of your own creation, because you have to cope with guilt and shame on top of the thing itself, and because you're fighting against the same ingrained dysfunction in yourself that caused the mess. that's like the bravest and most constructive thing you can do and you should be proud and I am proud of you.

[being-on-fire]

[being-on-fire]

this post hasn't left my mind since i've first saw it

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Be the mistake you want to be.

[being-on-fire]

The thing about recovery is that it sneaks up on you. Peace moves in with you like a lover that starts leaving their toothbrush and some hairties at your place, then some clothes and before you know it they're living with you.

If you've known me for aa while you'll know my relationship with my family is a dumpster fire. Growing up my room was arranged in a way that my computer was facing a door my parents would come in unannounced. In 2018/19 I worked at an open plan office. There were long desks with partitions to provide three people sitting next to each other with a semblance of privacy. I physically suffered whenever I wasn't able to get a corner seat facing the door. It made me anxious, I consistently felt guilty even if I wasn't doing anything I shouldn't on my work computer.

It's 2023 now. I've lived away from my parents for over 2 years at this point and I've taken up a part time job at the same office recently.

Last week I noticed I no longer care where I sit.

I know you thought that removing yourself from a situation would magically fix everything. I know you haven't seen any significant changes in a while and it's frustrating and I know it seems like you've stagnated. But I promise you it's getting better. I promise you you're healing. I promise you one day you will wake up and see how far you've come.

I love you.

[being-on-fire]

Sculptures by Louise Bourgeois

“The spider is my mother, believe it or not.” — Bourgeois

[being-on-fire]