bejinyoung

[bejinyoung]

vaguely, jinyoung wonders if he should be at all concerned about kian's enthusiasm. the boy seems a little too happy at the prospect of sharing a bed with him in a way that almost takes jinyoung aback for a moment. there's nothing wrong with being excited, it's just not the same set of emotions that jinyoung is having over their living situation right now.

"i'm pretty accustomed to close quarters too," he admits, though he doesn't elaborate further. kian, as nice of a kid as he is, is not entitled to jinyoung's full life story. it's not a pleasant one anyway, not one that he really wants to share if he doesn't have to. "but if you touch me with your feet even once i'm kicking you out onto the floor. i don't care how cold your toes are, i'm not your personal foot warmer." he keeps his tone lightheartedly scolding, though he's dead serious with his threats despite the playful nature. cold feet are the bane of jinyoung's existence.

moving is hard work, though a little less so with company. even though no one is physically helping jinyoung unpack and move his things, kian's company makes the task seem to go by a little quicker. jinyoung hadn't really noticed that he was getting hungry until there was a break in their activities, sitting on the edge of the bed around the corner from kian, and staring almost in awe at what appears to be a whole bag full of snacks. kian's mother must love him, jinyoung realizes. it brings a smile to his face despite the jealous pang that still echoes in his heart.

"you sure you want to share?" he confirms before he reaches for a bag of the hot turtle chips. "once i open this you better not take it back," he jokes, but he knows kian wouldn't do something like that. the kid is too nice for his own good, like a puppy who thinks everyone he ever meets is his best friend. jinyoung thinks it's endearing, even if it could potentially be worrisome. "i'll buy you another when we get our allowance," he promises.

kian's choosing to think of this as an extended sleepover. he doesn't mind the small confines, nor does he care about sharing space with other people, but he still can't help but feel somewhat unsettled. as sensitive as he is, he tends to absorb the emotions of others, whether he wants to or not. carrying the weight of everyone else's feelings has made him rather strong, but sometimes, it becomes overwhelming in a way that causes him to lose his footing, leading him to nearly drop all the souls he's cradling; terrified of shattering them in anyway.

it's sad to say, but he doesn't know the others that well. he's been a trainee for a little less than a year, and he's still not formed bonds with his label-mates. oftentimes, he finds himself chilling with the studio delta trainees instead, so it makes sense that he's clung onto jinyoung since he swapped companies. kian admires his strength and resolve. they're new to one another, but there's something about him that makes kian feel safe almost. honestly, it reminds him of nicky.

so, when jinyoung decides that the two of them are going to be bedmates, kian breathes a sigh of relief; quick to agree. "yes!" he exclaims, taking a seat on the food of their new mattress. it's a little firm for his liking, but he realizes that the firmer it is, the better it is for their bodies... or so he's heard. "i used to have to share a bed with my brother, and he would kick my ass if i hassled him at all while he slept, so he like... kinda trained me for stuff like this." kian laughs, gazing down at the slippers on his feet; wiggling his toes.

"yeah, i doubt there's snacks here, but you're in lucky!" removing his bag from his shoulders, he unzips the main pocket; revealing its contents to jinyoung. it's overloaded with all his favorite eats, all prepared and arranged for him by his mother. "mom hooked us up!" scooting over, he dumps everything out onto the bed. "i know there'll definitely be shrimp crackers, choco-filled pepero, and flamin' lime turtle chips, but it looks like there's other stuff, too! take whatever you like."

[bejinyoung]

"i'm not gonna lie to you," jinyoung continues to tease, a grin lighting up his face and his earlier annoyances all but completely forgotten. he knows joomi isn't actually mad and it makes it easier to continue to poke and prod— literally, in this case, as jinyoung takes the opportunity to lightly tickle joomi's ribs over the wet shirt just to get another reaction out of him. "wet cat energy, to be honest."

he half-shrugs; could he be happy sticking around to see some last minute performances? probably; he might even have a great time. but something tells jinyoung that he'll have an even better time if he gets out of here with joomi. their free time together is only going to get fewer and farther between. they should enjoy it while they've still got it, make the most of their company while it's still easy to do so. jinyoung is pretty sure joomi is on the same page too, especially with the way he looks at him after jinyoung whispered in his ear.

ultimately, it's joomi who makes a move next. jinyoung wondered if he would, seeing how desperately the other man was looking at his lips, and looking around to see who was paying attention to them. no one cares about us, jinyoung thinks, and for once it's a comforting thought. it's just a short kiss, harmless in the grand scheme of things, but of course it leaves jinyoung wanting more, especially with that look in joomi's eyes. "yeah?" he grins back. "i'll look forward to the verdict."

alas, they distract themselves with hunger for now though. jinyoung is hungry enough that he's not worried about the consequences of his meal plans, even if they're going to be particularly active later. "would you call me insane if i said i wanted something spicy?" maybe he is crazy. "there's gotta be chicken or something around here somewhere."

"hey," joomi whines jokingly, but he ends up laughing. "aren't you supposed to tell me i look really hot soaking wet, or something?" that seems like a good thing for an almost-boyfriend to say, but he's mostly joking, especially when he playfully scoffs, "'you look like wet laundry at the bottom of a washing machine...'" he's not actually offended in the slightest. it's honestly probably better jinyoung didn't say that, if only for the sake of joomi's sanity.

naturally, though, moon jinyoung cannot really let joomi live in peace for long. "there's nobody else you want to see?" he asks. he still has to work tonight, so he wouldn't really be opposed to a few hours to head home and decompress – and then jinyoung leans close, and he is so so annoying, but joomi would also not be opposed to jinyoung helping him out of his clothes, either.

he has to bite back a smile in response to jinyoung's grin, playfully narrowing his eyes at him instead. he looks back at the crowd ahead of them for a moment, searching, considering. no one is paying attention to them here, really. he shifts his focus back to jinyoung, looking pointedly at his lips, then meeting his eyes again with his own mischievous smile.

he brushes a strand of wet hair out of jinyoung's face, then murmurs, "you do look really good like this," voice low. like fresh-out-the-shower jinyoung. like jinyoung in his bed, thin sheen of sweat on his skin, and – he reels his thoughts back in. he casts a glance toward the crowd again, deciding it's safe enough to steal a quick kiss, so he does. "i'll consider it," he teases when he pulls away, another cheeky smile on his lips.

he grabs jinyoung's hand and stands up then, pulling him up with him. "what do you feel like eating?" he asks. the responsible part of joomi in the back of his mind is a little concerned about the amount of money he's spending here, but he dismisses it. they deserve to enjoy this.

[bejinyoung]

i think maybe i just don't like him, jinyoung realizes, watching his sister lead ren away through the crowd to accompany her to see some act she's excited about. he's not too keen on leaving any man alone with his sister, much less one that he has such a tumultuous relationship with, but... well, he's marginally better than siwoo. jinyoung still doesn't like it, but it's not going to ruin his day. not yet, anyway. he sighs anyway, a little discontent with his situation. a year ago, maybe a little more, he'd be dancing and drinking and kissing strangers at a festival like this. sometimes he's wistful for that period of his life, the unbridled hedonism propelling him through life. other times he thinks he's got it pretty good now, all things considered.

being with joomi does help lessen the dissatisfaction that lingers around him. jinyoung just doesn't like how careful they have to be now. he'd much rather corner joomi somewhere a little more private than this and make out while letting hands wander. sure, they could be arrested for public indecency then just as much as now, but they were complete nobodies at that time, the memory of their next gen eliminations just a distant memory to anyone who actually cared about that shit at all in the first place. he supposes he has to be satisfied with joomi leaning against him, uncomfortably sticky between the summer heat and the wet clothes.

"you look like wet laundry at the bottom of a washing machine," jinyoung points out, though his voice carries enough lightness for it to be clear that it's just a teasing joke. "i think i'm bored," he admits in return. "like... we've done it all at this point, haven't we? i wanna go home and get out of these clothes." there's no double meaning to the words at first, purely innocent intentions to change into something clean and dry. but of course, such innocence never lasts long with moon jinyoung. he leans over, a little closer than necessary, and whispers into joomi's ear, "and help you out of yours too, if you want." a wicked grin paints his face as he leans back, taking in the expression on his companion's face.

"and i'm hungry," his mood shifts back to innocence just as quickly, perhaps finding some fun in playing hot and cold, tormenting joomi in the little ways he can right now. "buy me food?"

* ♪ – hideaway

it's been a surprisingly good day.

of course, joomi had hopes that it would be good when he, sooyoung and jinyoung decided to take this sunday to go to the waterbomb festival and dragged ren along with them. it's just been a bit of a tumultuous couple of weeks.

thankfully, today he feels good, even though jinyoung has officially been a lime trainee for a few days now. joomi reacted badly to him wanting to leave at first, but it hasn't been as big of an adjustment as he expected. jinyoung pointed out, in their many discussions of the subject, that it would probably be better for them to not be together all the time, and joomi agrees with that now.

of course the worst part of it for joomi was always how little they'd be together eventually thanks to jinyoung's decision, but...they're together now, and that's what matters most.

they're together and the weather is beautiful and the music is good and he is soaking wet from all the waterguns and hoses that make waterbomb live up to its name. jinyoung is both soaking wet and beautiful, too - damp hair stuck to his face, water droplets dripping from his jawline every now and then. joomi wants to brush his hair out of his face, or kiss his cheek, or - worse than that, but he knows it's better not to do any of it. he tries not to think about the fact that this is what the majority of their remaining future will be like.

maybe he stares at him for too long, but jinyoung is watching the passing people ahead of them, and joomi just loves looking at him. besides, he thinks looking at jinyoung is one of his responsibilities now, as jinyoung's...whatever he is. something.

they've found a spot to sit in the back, far away from the majority of the crowd, but close enough that they can still hear the music well, with the smallest sliver of shade. sooyoung somehow managed to convince ren to get closer to the stage with her for a group she really wanted to see, leaving them behind for now.

he honestly likes this better. he moves just enough to let his head flop on jinyoung's shoulder, deciding this much is innocent enough to be acceptable public behavior. "this is really weird but i actually feel cold," he comments with a laugh. "i feel like...wet laundry sitting at the bottom of a washing machine."

–– @bejinyoung

[bejinyoung]

new spaces.

@kianbe

it's small. jinyoung can't help but survey the apartment he'll be calling home for the foreseeable future with a critical eye. he knows that lime entertainment isn't strapped for cash. surely they could afford something a little nicer than cramming over half a dozen boys into two bedrooms, right? even if he'd like to complain, he keeps those thoughts to himself. it's not productive, and they'll probably just tell him this is for teamwork and bonding or something like that. jinyoung's not going to do anything to jeopardize his career here anyway.

still, he can't help but notice that it's small.

"we're sharing beds," he points out to kian, glancing at the boy as he drops his backpack on one of the two double beds in the cramped bedroom. "are you comfortable being my partner or should i go harass someone else?" he keeps it lighthearted, no pressure. jinyoung isn't even sure how good of a roommate kian might be. for all he knows, the kid might kick and scream in his sleep. he'll probably regret offering to share with him if that's the case... but at least there's always naps in the practice room between schedules if he really isn't getting any rest at the dorm.

jinyoung starts unloading some of his personal items one by one. he's not much of a collector or hoarder, most of his things utilitarian rather than sentimental. but he does have that old ipod nestled in his bag. he smiles even as his fingers touch the smooth edges of it, pulling it out and making sure it wasn't damaged in transit before tucking it safely into his pocket for now. it's practically a good luck charm at this point. "do you think they stocked the kitchen with snacks? probably not, i think we're doing our own shopping."

[bejinyoung]

even in the long life jinyoung had lived before becoming a trainee, his passion has always been dance. he was good at it, all fluid limbs and strong body, but that only came after years of a stubborn amount of practice. eventually, he became good enough at it to start to teach others. not everyone was a natural, he quickly learned. some had no sense of rhythm, or felt awkward moving this way and that, and needed some help and encouragement to figure out how to get into it. over the years, jinyonug developed quite the arsenal of teaching tools. when he became a trainee, he thought he had hung up the tool belt for good. apparently not, and so soon after entering lime entertainment's building for the first time.

in a lot of ways, kian reminds jinyoung of his little pre-school dance class. he has a similar amount of energy, a similar childlike wonder in his eyes when something catches his attention. he even looked alike when jinyoung could see something finally click in his head, the idea of dancing finally making sense in the singer's brain. a flicker of pride stirs in jinyoung's chest both for himself and his latest student; jinyoung's still got it, and kian's finally gonna get it. it's a good feeling.

"what's your favorite song?" jinyoung asks abruptly, all but ignoring all of kian's questions as he approaches the sound system hookup in the practice room. "you'll hurt yourself if you just go crazy but let's start with a warmup and get the blood flowing and all loosened up, and we'll take it from there." he doesn't know if kian will still be feeling it by the time they start practicing real choreography. one step at a time, not getting too far ahead of themselves, is usually the method that works best.

he scrolls through an endless list of music, no title really catching his eye, as kian continues to yap away. jesus, the kid can almost talk more than i can, jinyoung thinks to himself, an amused smile on his lips anyway. "that's one way," he concedes, "or sometimes i'll have a specific idea in my head, or i'll see something i want to put my own spin on, or something else. there's no one right way to do it, it's more about finding the right way for you. and you strike me as the type who shouldn't think too much about it or else you'll ruin it for yourself." he mashes the 'play' button on a random song, something percussion-heavy but mid-tempo playing on the speakers. good for a warmup, jinyoung decides. "don't think, just move. just a little bit to start, this is a warmup."

HOT TO GO 김기안 → 문진영

moon jinyoung is now a trainee of lime entertainment, and honestly, it makes sense to kian. he doesn't know his senior well, but from what he's heard from joomi, jinyoung is a hard worker, a talented dancer and performer, and on top of that, he's also visually striking—just like all the other trainees within axis labels' vibrant green subsidiary. he's a perfect fit, and though his presence deeps kian's insecurities a little bit, he still wants his new friend to feel comfortable in his new space. he's sure it's not too much different from studio delta, but even-still. it's important to him that jinyoung feels welcome, especially since he did promise joomi that he'll help him out if he needed anything.

though, so far, it seems like jinyoung is the one helping him out. one of their first conversations was about how dancing is made fun when it's not overthought. it's only a blast when it's felt; when it's a spiritual experience in that sense, much like singing is to kian. putting it in such plain terms made a lightbulb flicker on above his head. for the first time, he started to understand what his instructors have been trying to tell him this whole time.

they speak in eight-counts and rigid technical terms. it's overwhelming. jinyoung seems to approach it from a stance of conveying the music using your body; not just your voice. wanting to know more, he asked for some help, and now, the two of them find themselves in a rehearsal space. kian won't lie, he's feeling a bit intimidated, but he's going to do his darnedest to keep up. if jinyoung is as good as he's said to be, then the two of them are likely to work up quite the sweat.

"so!" he exclaims, taking a few steps closer to jinyoung. "should we just start a playlist and go crazy, or is there a better way to just feel the music?" kian asks, genuinely curious. "like, i know choreography is going to come into play at some point in all of this, but... is it easier to start expressing the song with your body by just... moving? like, letting the sound hit you and take you away?" his verbiage is a little out there, but he means it with all his heart.

"that's kinda what singing is for me sometimes. i won't even sing words. i'll just... play the guitar and let it all out. that's how i write my best melodies, to be honest. is that sorta how you start coming up with your choreography? just throwing yourself into it like that?"

[bejinyoung]

"maybe," jinyoung grins, cheeky at every opportunity he's given to be. he hadn't originally thought of embarrassing joomi but since the opportunity presented itself he may as well tease a little bit. "should i get my phone to record this and blackmail you later?" he jokes, all the while making no genuine effort to move from how comfortable he is snuggled up with the other man.

joomi gets serious though, so jinyoung quiets himself to listen, to drink in the words and the experience he'll never have. he doesn't think he'll miss it much; this, right here, is so quintessentially them that he doesn't think he'd trade it even for the most embarrassing, elaborate confession that joomi can dream of. not that joomi is an elaborate, embarrassing type of guy. jinyoung finds himself a little disappointed that joomi was never going to say anything though; a nagging little voice at the back of his head hisses see? you're not worth it. he wasn't going to fight for you, no one would. he presses his lips tightly together, attempting to brush away the thought. he knows joomi didn't mean that.

"you need more realistic expectations," he half-jokes, the fact that he still hasn't technically confessed anything lingering between them. he hopes joomi knows anyway, from the way he holds onto him tightly, how he makes himself comfortable in the other man's personal space. moon jinyoung doesn't do this with just anybody, especially not these days. "try fifty years. i might be ready by then." he jokes, not at all serious about the timeline. jinyoung hopes he's not stringing along the same guy for that long, he hopes he has his shit figured out enough by then.

he hums, content, as joomi asks him what he thinks. "i expected more roses," he jokes. he doesn't have much of an opinion, really. jinyoung has run away from confessions too many times; perhaps the quiet, subdued type is what he needed all along. no grand proclamations or promises, no bullshit. just two people who only need each other. "it's alright," he acquiesces, a smile once again on his lips.

it doesn't seem like jinyoung is going to run, but joomi doesn't know what he will do. what does new-and-improved moon jinyoung do in the face of love, if he doesn't run? maybe he'll gracefully reject him somehow.

no, that's stupid, isn't it? he runs tender fingers through jinyoung's hair, resting under the comfortable weight of jinyoung on his chest. it's not about sex anymore - it hasn't been for months now. the only reason jinyoung is in his bed now is because he just wants to be. they're friends, but...friends don't do this, do they? what is this, if it isn't love?

jinyoung snuggles into him, says i think i'll keep you for a while, and joomi's chest feels a little tight. all of the emotion in him wells up suddenly, and he swallows thickly so he doesn't do something stupid like cry. it isn't a confession of returned feelings from jinyoung, or some lofty promise. it isn't always or forever. it's just a while, and...it's perfect. it's all joomi needs. everything he needs, even. it's realistic, and it's sincere, and it's...love, isn't it?

"okay," joomi practically squeaks, speechless for once in his life. it's such a pathetic response that he can't help but laugh at himself. he clears his throat to try to regain some composure, only to add, "thank you," just as softly.

jinyoung asks if he was going to tell him. it's a fair question, albeit a bit of a nosy one from someone who has worked hard to make himself difficult to confess to. what would your perfect confession look like? i want to know. joomi can feel his cheeks heating up. "you want to embarrass me," he chuckles, lightheartedly even though he's also half-convinced it's true.

"i don't know," he answers the question more seriously. "i didn't plan to. i was kind of...am...? kind of...? at the point where i was okay with anything as long as i could just...be with you, in whatever way that looked like." he wonders if jinyoung will think it's pitiful. it certainly felt that way to joomi plenty of times.

"when i thought about it, it was always you saying it first, and me finally getting to say it back. never anything dramatic or especially impressive. just us...laying in bed together. maybe an afterglow confession or maybe not," he laughs a little, "but always something quiet, and simple. we stare at each other for a while and you tell me you love me and i'm like, 'fucking finally, it's been 15 years, you are so fucking slow.'" he can't help but joke about it. being so open and sincere with jinyoung about this after being quiet for so long is uncomfortable. it's not unwelcome, it's just...strange.

"how's that?" he asks, and utilizes all the bravery in his body to look back at jinyoung's face.

[bejinyoung]

yes. joomi doesn't have to verbalize it for jinyoung to know; he was the one who pointed it out after all. he knows there's a note of fear in joomi's voice and he also knows it's not for good reason; jinyoung is all too aware of his own reputation for suddenly leaving and cutting things short when they start to get too serious. he had been scared then; if he didn't leave them, they'd leave him first. jinyoung had suffered enough abandonment as a child, he didn't want to deal with it as an adult too.

it's taken a lot of effort, but he's no longer scared with joomi. if things go awry, if they end up hating each other in a few years or months or even weeks, at least jinyoung can let himself enjoy and treasure these gentle moments. at least he can bask in joomi's love and feel a warmth that he's denied himself for far too long.

that said, saying the 'l' word back is still pretty scary. jinyoung's working on that too, but it's a hurdle for another day. instead, he just snakes his arms around joomi's waist, snuggling in a little tighter to his personal human pillow. if action alone isn't enough to convince joomi that he's not running for the hills, he verbalizes it as well. casually, almost lazily joking in his own weird jinyoung way: "i think i'll keep you for a while," he hums contentedly, comfortable in more ways than just physically.

"if i didn't ask were you gonna tell me?" he's curious now, glancing up to catch joomi's expression even if he'd much rather keep his eyes closed and drift back to sleep. "i mean, i get why you wouldn't. i'm not that unaware." not anymore, at least, he thinks to himself. no need to point out flaws that he's painstakingly tried to move past. "what would your prefect confession look like? i want to know."

sometimes jinyoung reminds joomi of a cat. he thinks of it again now, as he closes his eyes again. this feels like earning the trust of a particularly grumpy and skittish cat - like after years of trying, it finally came to sit in his lap. maybe he shouldn't feel a sense of accomplishment for this, or maybe he should. it's moon jinyoung with his head on his chest, after all. the same moon jinyoung who broke his friend's heart before joomi even met him - the same moon jinyoung that hated him so vehemently a year and a half ago.

it all seems so long ago now. it feels like he's always loved jinyoung, even though he knows he very much hated jinyoung back...for at least a little while.

he returns to running his fingers through jinyoung's hair, content to lay like this until they absolutely have to move.

jinyoung throws a bit of a wrench in things, though. you love me, don't you? and for a moment joomi does feel afraid. is this it? is this already when jinyoung leaves again? he isn't ready. not yet.

all he has to do is search jinyoung's face for his nerves to settle. he doesn't look ready to run. if anything, jinyoung looks...peaceful. like he's finally ready to acknowledge something that he's known for a long time. like he's finally ready to stay.

"yes," joomi replies despite his previous apprehension, voice soft. afraid or not, he couldn't lie to him. part of him has wanted jinyoung to know he loves him for a long time now. he wonders how long jinyoung has known.

"was i obvious?" he jokes lightly, smiling warmly. maybe part of him is still nervous, but maybe that's normal. either way, life is too harsh to love so quietly. it's been crueler to him and jinyoung than most. they deserve something soft.

[bejinyoung]

a pleasant quietness falls between them in the space after jinyoung tells his joke, not at all awkward or uncomfortable. jinyoung closes his eyes again, the lids still too heavy to keep open. plus, he's just comfortable here. i should call off. say i'm sick or something. it's tempting as he considers the possibility of one day in bed with joomi for a full twenty-four hours. jinyoung doesn't even think about sex, for once, and is perfectly content with the company of the other man alone.

the way joomi touches him is so tender, almost reverent. he cards fingers through jinyoung's hair, pushes stray strands from his face, showers him with a soft smile that holds so many unsaid words back. jinyoung knows. he's probably known for a long time, but he was running from that reality too at the time. being loved has always been a terrifying experience. how long would it last? how much would it hurt when they inevitably tire of his bad attitude and insatiable appetite? looking back at the hearts he broke and the ones that hurt his own, jinyoung can't help but wonder if it was ever really love at all. infatuation, perhaps. it didn't feel like this.

he feels joomi's heart pitter patter in an unusual pattern. jinyoung forces his eyes open again to lock them with the other man's.

"you love me, don't you?" he finally puts a name to the feeling between them, to the way joomi holds him so tenderly and smiles a different way for jinyoung alone.

surprisingly, confronting it isn't as scary as jinyoung had feared. it's a calm certainty that washes over him instead of dread. it's secure, it's comfortable, and it feels safe. sure, there's a chance joomi could rescind that love at any time. but why should jinyoung deny himself a good thing? why should he live in fear of the end and sabotage the present? he's picked up some better habits from therapy after all.

joomi laughs. "too bad," he says easily. "they're gonna have to pull the plug on me." he wraps his free arm around jinyoung, physical evidence of how little he wants to let go. joomi couldn't make something this good up for himself if he tried. he doesn't want to wake up from it. he wants to stay here forever, even if that scares him.

it doesn't scare him now, though. he knows forever isn't real, and that this moment, at the very least, will shatter in a few hours when they have to go to work. he knows that whatever they are won't last - that one day he will lose jinyoung again, or vice versa. he knows all things inevitably end, love included, and that if jinyoung loves him - if he loves him - one day he'll stop.

but for now, none of that matters. all that matters is the familiar softness of jinyoung's hair, and the way he blinks sleep and sunlight out of his eyes. all that matters is they're here, right now, and that's enough.

jinyoung looks up at him, eyes and smile both warm. for me? joomi can't help but think. you're smiling like that for me? his heart skips a beat. he wonders if jinyoung can feel it.

it's okay if he can. joomi brushes a strand of hair out of jinyoung's eyes, still so gently, and then he lingers there, touching jinyoung's face. he just looks at him, taking him in. how do you look so beautiful even in the morning? he almost says it out loud, but doesn't, if only because it's embarrassing and he knows jinyoung would make fun of him for it.

he doesn't know what to say. he doesn't think he wants to say anything, or that he needs to. he just wants to be with him.

[bejinyoung]

the golden rays of morning tickle jinyoung's eyelids, stubbornly remaining shut despite being awake. he'd rather not be; he's rather sleep until the last possible minute before leaving for his shift at the restaurant. somehow, even with one morning off, he still can't quite catch up on all of the missed sleep. it would be nice to stay unconscious for a fully twenty-four hours, he muses to himself, lids flickering as they fight off the threat of the sun.

jinyoung can't believe how comfortable he is these days, though. he hadn't quite realized how constantly on-edge he was until after he learned to let go of some of that anxiety. his therapist certainly had a hard time with him but somehow she got through to convince him that it would all be okay. he can relax into joomi now without fear, holding the other man close as he uses his body as the most comfortable pillow in the world. he knows joomi won't hurt him; jinyoung certainly tested him enough these last several months. he won't apologize for it, but he knows at least he's clinging to someone reliable, someone who won't disappear or fall apart at the first bump in the road.

a gentle hand cards though his hair and jinyoung all but literally purrs his approval, snuggling in further to the man attached to the arm. it's heavenly, like a gentle massage over his scalp, and he can't help but relax into it.

"jinyoung, are you real?" joomi asks, and jinyoung laughs, still refusing to open his eyes.

"no," he jokes back, "you made me up, joomi. please wake up, your family misses you. they keep asking you to wake up." another laugh escapes him, clearly not all that serious about the coma joke. he finally opens his eyes, blinking away the adjustment to the light and staring up at the other man's face. he is pretty, isn't he? jinyoung finds himself musing, a soft smile on his lips.

* ♪ – yours

joomi doesn't take any moment with jinyoung for granted.

sometimes he can't believe they're real - like now, jinyoung's head on his chest, sunlight filtering through joomi's window highlighting the softness of his sleepy expression. it's an experience exclusive to sunday mornings, when they don't have to be awake and get to training before the sun even rises properly.

sometimes it makes him emotional, too. i love you. i missed you. i'm so happy you're with me. he threads his fingers through jinyoung's hair, all tender affection paired with a quiet sort of reverence.

he was so afraid. he was so afraid he lost him for good - that the jinyoung he loved would never come back, let alone come back to him. but he's here, himself, but more stable and healing. he might be better than he was before. everything might be better than it was before. how? joomi doesn't understand. he can't believe it, but he tries not to question it, and just accept that for now, things are good. he's happy.

joomi fell in love with jinyoung for moments like this, where it feels like the rest of the world melts away and it's just them in their own pocket of space and time. he feels like nothing can touch him here.

"jinyoung, are you real?" he jokes, smiling softly. maybe it really is all a dream, and he'll wake up bitter and sick to his stomach soon. it feels real, though.

it all feels real.

– @bejinyoung

[bejinyoung]

"you know they feed us here, right? like, they provide free meals. that's part of the contract we signed." jinyoung has always wondered just what goes on in kou's head but he's never thought to worry about what goes on in kou'd stomach. the fact that he brings a lunch box to work with him at all is strange now that jinyoung thinks about it. "they are feeding you, right?"

the pair are quickly distracted by the cats again anyway, watching them lap up the food with voracious enthusiasm. jinyoung risks reaching out to touch one, the creature shying away at first but ultimately deciding he's no threat. she's purring between mouthfuls of food a moment later. "it's just basic courtesy," jinyoung rolls his eyes good-naturedly. "cats just want respect, you know? just slapping any shallow name on them isn't super respectful."

he notes the way the one he's not petting stops to eye their surroundings for a moment before swallowing and continuing her meal. he feels the way the other leans into his touch as he scratches behind her ears. "i'd call her watch," he points out the mindful one. "since she's on high-alert. and this one... princess. because it's how she deserves to be treated."

kou's weird, but at least his heart is in the right place. jinyoung's eyes glance over at the other man as he muses to himself, risking a pet on the creatures as well. "you could," jinyoung suggests. "it's defiitely more comfortable there than the streets."

sure, jinyoung himself used to carry around kibble whenever he could afford it. that was easy to store in ziploc bags in his backpack or something and never felt that weird. but for some reason, watching kou pull out not one but two whole cans of cat food is utterly baffling to him. those cans aren't light and every indication seems to point to kou having more stashed away in there.

"is that your lunch or something?" jinyoung immediately questions. he's heard of people eating canned pet food when money is tight, but these days pet food is just as expensive as human-grade nonperishables. could kou have finally lost the last of his marbles and resorted to feeding himself like a cat in hopes of getting over his allergies to them?

"i mean, food's food. they'll be happy for anything." and jinyoung is right by the way the cats cautiously approach the meal, slowly at first and then with a voracious appetite once they've established that the offerings from the humans are safe. jinyoung wonders if he should ask kou why he's carrying around tins of cat food. maybe he doesn't want to know the answer.

at least the other man agrees they should do this more often, fatten the kitties up and maybe even restore their trust in humans. jinyoung's pride and joy is picking a scared cat up off the street and finding a shelter or vet who will help rehome the animal. it's only happened a few scarce times, but it brings him joy nonetheless. "you can't name a cat you just met," he scolds his human companion. "we should get to know them a little better first, don't you think?"

[bejinyoung]

aftermath.

@renxbe

jinyoung hasn't watched a single episode of next gen. he has however, stumbled across clips on twitter and instagram and the like. nothing crazy, for the most part, just fans squealing over moments from their favorite contestants, demanding a contract for them now! he's seen some of the performances and auditions, though he really stopped paying attention to anything as soon as his sister dropped out of the competition. he still doesn't quite understand why, but he respects her decisions anyway.

it's completely by coincidence that jinyoung learns what became of the studio delta teams in the latest episode. he heard whispers of it in the halls, fellow trainees remarking on what a scary ceo they have. it appeared on jinyoung's timeline not an hour later, the full cut of the rant and particularly the words hurled at ren and dohyun.

his lips press together tightly.

this isn't going to go well.

jinyoung knows it's been a few days since this all happened; it's been a few days since the episode itself aired after all. and yet he can't imagine that this is something that ren or dohyun would so easily brush off. he knows them, he knows they're sensitive in their own ways. he's never been much of a comforting figure, but something tells him he needs to check in, make sure they're okay.

he finds ren first, relieved of his filming responsibilities based on the late hour and the fact that jinyoung is actually able to approach him in a practice room. honestly, he probably would have preferred to talk to dohyun first, to get his mistakes out with someone who would be a little more forgiving, but... well, he owes ren. if this is a way he can start to pay that back, he has no choice but to move forward.

"hey," he calls out, trying not to startle the other man. "you good? can i join you?"

[bejinyoung]

joomi is quiet. despite the cheeriness that jinyoung had been sporting even during his confrontation, he can't help but feel a winter like chill dousing his smile. it fades, slowly, until it's hardly even there at all anymore. it's so unlike joomi to be quiet, the man usually saying so much that jinyoung tunes half of it out. if he's so tongue tied now... well, jinyoung can only assume that something must actually be wrong. he wonders, briefly, if this is a can of worms he should have left alone instead of letting it spill everywhere.

i'm ignoring everyone, joomi finally says. but i'm not everyone, am i? jinyoung wants to ask, the words never finding their way to his lips. "why would you do that?" he questions instead, his brow now knitting together in a frown. there is genuine worry somewhere in there. he's still not used to having the capacity to care about anyone's feelings other than his own. it's hard not to just demand access to joomi's deepest thoughts, to retain some modicum of civilized behavior that his therapist would approve of.

i don't know, joomi continues, and jinyoung's only more confused. he apologizes, he rubs at his face like he wants to tear it off, he's visibly agitated and jinyoung cannot for the life of him figure out why. he supposes that shouldn't be a shock, though; he could hardly figure out his own emotions half of the time, why would he be any good at reading someone else's? all he knows is joomi is distressed. about what, about who, he hasn't the faintest idea. for once, jinyoung can't think of anything he's done lately that might possibly be his fault. so maybe he's not mad at him, maybe he really is just a casualty of whatever unrelated thing joomi is going through.

"is it your family?" jinyoung guesses aloud, the one thing he knows about joomi that might be causing this sort of angst. they're alike in that way; family holidays are spent anywhere but with family (except for sooyoung, in jinyoung's case). maybe something happened. maybe joomi is feeling some sort of anger or regret. "is there anything i can do?" probably not, he already assumes. that sort of thing makes you want to curl up and hide away and try to pretend that your failure of a life doesn't exist. jinyoung would know.

but joomi surprises him again, inviting him over and saying he needs to talk about something. it makes jinyoung uneasy, a little wary of whatever it is that joomi wants to say. "it's not something super serious, is it?" he half-jokes, though a larger part of him is begging that whatever topic joomi has in mind isn't something earth-shattering or world-changing. jinyoung's good right now, but it's taken so long to get back to this place. he doesn't want to spiral out of control again now. "i'm actually on a very strict no-serious-conversations diet, doctor's orders."

"but okay," he sighs, knowing he'll relent before joomi even responds. jinyoung would be up half the night anyway wondering what the hell is wrong. at least this way he can get some answers, if not put everything back to normal sooner than later. he'd never thought he'd say it, but he kind of misses joomi.

joomi knows, logically, that the worst thing to do when you feel soul-crushing loneliness is to isolate yourself more. he also knows, historically, he is the only person he can trust. when it feels like he's lost everyone around him, it's easiest to resort to the joomi he always needed to be to survive: cold. distant. fine – good, even – on his own.

it doesn't work this time. he can't go back to how things were before, after feeling the warmth in his life that he has. the joomi he used to be hurts. he wore armor back then, with razor-tight defenses. now, he feels like all the people that matter to him poked holes in him to weasel themselves into, and there isn't enough support for him to do anything other than collapse when they're all gone.

it's not permanent. once next gen is over, ren and dohyun will return, and stevie may be a trainee, and things will be better. maybe they'll be better than before. it just sucks for now, and he can't help but feel like he's being horribly dramatic. thinking that doesn't change anything, though; he still feels how he feels, plus an added dose of shame for feeling how he feels, so he tries to let it go. everything feels like shit. sometimes it doesn't matter why. it just does.

moon jinyoung is the one that started it all. joomi has been carrying some stupid raincloud around with him since december, despite all of his efforts to remain a supportive presence by jinyoung's side through it all. not being able to train with ren and dohyun is just too much. it's so much that he doesn't even notice the way jinyoung comes back to himself, his former light drifting back in like the spring weather.

he's dancing when jinyoung barges in on him – something joomi has been doing a lot these days. writing songs while he so vividly feels ren and dohyun's absence is depressing, but there's something cathartic about movement.

joomi stops moving when jinyoung enters, somehow still surprised he'd come find him of his own volition. he comes with a purpose, though: are you mad at me?

joomi can't help but recognize the irony of the situation – the way jinyoung ignored him for weeks in december with no explanation until joomi asked him if he did something wrong. jinyoung said he just needed space then. joomi has half the mind to repeat the words jinyoung said then back to him now, verbatim. he thought back then it was fine. he was just worried about jinyoung. months down the road, and multiple talks with his therapist later, he now knows it actually really hurt.

are you mad at me? joomi stays quiet and just stares at jinyoung, probably for too long. "i'm ignoring everyone," he points out, and it's true, but he knows jinyoung won't be satisfied without an answer. maybe. that's the real answer. he knows it's not really fair to be mad at jinyoung, though. he likes to think if jinyoung had more control over the situation he would've handled it with more care, but...joomi doesn't know. even now, joomi wonders if jinyoung is only here because it's weird to not have joomi hovering around him, more than as a friend that actually cares about him.

"i don't know," he sighs at last, because it's the truth. he runs a hand down his face. "not really," and it's probably confusing. fuck, it's confusing to joomi. he can't imagine what it must feel like to jinyoung. "sorry, i just –" he lets his hands flop down at his sides. he hesitates. he looks at jinyoung, and thinks of the notebook full of confessions to him on a shelf in his bedroom; the variations of all the things he wanted to say to him but couldn't.

"actually...do you want to come over? there's some stuff i should probably talk to you about."

[bejinyoung]

the loudest silence.

@bejoomi

jinyoung, for the first time in a very long time, is doing well. he's brighter these days, a sort of weightlessness about him that wasn't there before. he couldn't tell anyone exactly what the difference was, even if they're one of the very select few who know he's been taking advantage of studio delta's mental health and counseling services. maybe it's just... acceptance finally finding a home in his heart. jinyoung always knew he couldn't change the past but that's never stopped him from trying to fight it at every turn. now, though... maybe he doesn't have to fight so hard anymore. he's not sure; he's still figuring it all out. but he feels better than he did at the end of 2023 and he supposes that's all that matters.

the only dark cloud in jinyoung's life right now seems to be... jung joomi. he sulks around these days, probably not unlike the way jinyoung did in december if he had a modicum of self awareness at that time. even when jinyoung tries to talk with him, tries to banter in the way they (almost) always have, joomi finds some reason to excuse himself, to ignore him, to avoid him. it bothers jinyoung, though that could also be the severe abandonment issues he's been working through with his therapist at play. she'd probably tell him to have a little patience and empathy, and if joomi didn't want to be friends anymore then jinyoung should focus his energy on the friends and family who do stick around, or something like that. for the most part, jinyoung tries to follow her advice. in this case, his gut tells him it'll be better to act otherwise.

joomi practices alone a lot these days, but at least that makes it easy for jinyoung to find a moment to try to talk with him. he finds the other man tucked away in one of the smaller, more remote practice rooms and lets himself in without so much as knocking. it's not so much that jinyoung feels entitled to joomi's space as it is his own minuscule form of revenge for being ignored—another thing his therapist would probably tell him not to do. but jinyoung answers rudeness with rudeness and plops himself down in front of joomi, searching for his eyes and leaving no room for 'i didn't see you there' or 'i didn't notice you come in.'

"jung joomi," he full-names his friend, though his tone is still mostly lighthearted despite the incoming accusation. "are you mad at me? i'm stupid but even i noticed you're ignoring me."

[bejinyoung]

he crosses his fingers in return and finds himself genuinely wishing for haein's success. it's not like she's competition, after all, in the sense that jinyoung's probably not going to be considered for a girl group and haein seems to be an unlikely candidate for a boy group right now. even soloists of different sexes sing entirely different songs; they're free to root for each other as they please. "i think it will be," he assures her. "actually... it's the same for me too. did you know i auditioned for delta before next gen? failed that miserably then."

it is sort of amazing how far they've come. jinyoung knows there's still a long way to go, but looking back on the journey is amazing. he's not usually much of a sentimental person though, so he's grateful when haein finds a reason to steer the conversation away from the past and the places they came from. "i'm not sure i'm the right person to ask," jinyoung laughs, not saying what he's thinking aloud: that he's eaten pretty untasty things just to have something in his stomach at times, so there's not much that would dissuade him from free food. that, and just being a twenty-something year old man with a never ending appetite. "i personally think it's pretty good, though. and they don't exactly pay us enough to be buying a ton of outside food."

jinyoung shrugs with a smile. he still feels guilty to his sister even though he's picked up a better paying part time job to help cover their shared rent. it's still not much. "what you actually have to watch out for is the vending machine snacks," he 'warns' haein. "they're all healthy and stuff so they taste like cardboard." he laughs.

"three," she says once more to emphasize the journey she's been on. "here's to hoping that the phrase is true for me as well." with that, she crosses her fingers and shows it to jinyoung, a chuckle leaving her lips. if this didn't work out for her, haein would most likely be on a plane back to america. what she'd do after that, she didn't know and didn't want to think about.

there's a lot that's said within the short silence that falls between their conversation. she thinks back to the hours they spent at dance studios and suddenly seeing jinyoung at axis feels a little too surreal once more. "yeah, the sudden sunlight was definitely something i had to adjust to as well," she says with a snort before lightly shaking her head.

haein doesn't know how long it'll take, but she has a bit more faith in herself this time. her first company was a total scam now that she looks back at it, and she most likely just wasn't prepared enough for next gen. however, she thinks she's in a position where she's more comfortable pushing herself to achieve this goal. "so, is the food here any good, or will i have to run to a convenience store to handle my meals?" she switches up the conversation in hopes that these rush of new emotions don't overwhelm her too much.

[bejinyoung]

sure, jinyoung himself used to carry around kibble whenever he could afford it. that was easy to store in ziploc bags in his backpack or something and never felt that weird. but for some reason, watching kou pull out not one but two whole cans of cat food is utterly baffling to him. those cans aren't light and every indication seems to point to kou having more stashed away in there.

"is that your lunch or something?" jinyoung immediately questions. he's heard of people eating canned pet food when money is tight, but these days pet food is just as expensive as human-grade nonperishables. could kou have finally lost the last of his marbles and resorted to feeding himself like a cat in hopes of getting over his allergies to them?

"i mean, food's food. they'll be happy for anything." and jinyoung is right by the way the cats cautiously approach the meal, slowly at first and then with a voracious appetite once they've established that the offerings from the humans are safe. jinyoung wonders if he should ask kou why he's carrying around tins of cat food. maybe he doesn't want to know the answer.

at least the other man agrees they should do this more often, fatten the kitties up and maybe even restore their trust in humans. jinyoung's pride and joy is picking a scared cat up off the street and finding a shelter or vet who will help rehome the animal. it's only happened a few scarce times, but it brings him joy nonetheless. "you can't name a cat you just met," he scolds his human companion. "we should get to know them a little better first, don't you think?"

"that's not true. they like me," kou says, stubborn as always. but jinyoung is probably right, he did smell a lot more like catnip than the average person as well – courtesy of working at a cat cafe. he breaks out into a soft smile as the noses of the cats start to gently touch the tip of his fingers. it's ticklish, but he finds it nothing short of adorable. ah... cats.

kou is almost completely distracted by the cats, until jinyoung speaks again. oh, right. "don't worry," he says, and he pulls out two cans of cat food. "i carry this around too... just in case." it isn't the most healthy food he can give them, but it's really the only thing he has on himself right now. "should i run to the store to grab something for them? something better?" he says, turning to look at his friend. he'll be late for training, that's for sure, but ... the cats. he looks at them and his heart melts. "maybe this will have to do for now..." he mumbles to himself. he doesn't really have anything to place the food on though, aside from his own empty lunchbox ( typical kou, remembering to pack his lunchbox, but forgetting to put food inside his lunch box ).

so he pulls that out next and places the food inside. he'll just get a new lunchbox, it's fine. or if it's still there during their short break, he'll take it back. his eyes light up when jinyoung talks about bringing them something regularly. "we should," he says, and it's probably the most enthusiastic kou has ever looked in front of the boy – aside from the time when they faked a relationship for a good discount. "doesn't that mean we should name them though? it'll be nice... i think," he says, leaning in to gently pet the cat. "any ideas?"

[bejinyoung]

he laughs, pleased with himself for getting under haein's skin enough that she lapses into another language for a brief spell. jinyoung feels some sort of sense of accomplishment out of it— and maybe also relief that he doesn't have to defer to haein with the respect that she probably actually deserves. he thinks it's more fun this way anyway.

"wait— three?" haein explains quickly enough that there was another company involved with her journey sometime before she and jinyoung had ever crossed paths, but that doesn't stop him from exclaiming his surprise for everyone to hear. "well, i guess you know what they say about third times and charms," he shrugs, though he is quite happy for the girl. the both of them deserved to get a break eventually; jinyoung can admit that he's pleased that it ended up this way for both of them.

the smile on jinyoung's face softens, turns a little nostalgic and sentimental, in a sense. haein seems to understand what he's saying despite his poor attempts to describe it. likewise, he thinks he understands her. it's imperfect, it's hard to describe, and yet somehow they both get it. he's dreamed about being here for half of his life. now that he made it, it's all he wanted and more. there's still a long way to go before meeting his ultimate goal, but every day is a step forward now.

"practice rooms with windows was a hard adjustment, actually," he jokes; it was not hard at all and was a very welcome change of scenery in reality. "i'm not used to being blinded during practice, you know? i thought i became allergic to sunlight after all these years in basements." he laughs, genuinely jovial at the situation. "there's parts i think i'll miss. but then i remember how much better things are here."

haein quickly shakes her head at the idea of jinyoung calling her anything beside her name. while she would have loved to tease him, the idea of being anything but a fellow trainee here was odd to her, especially after what she saw at her old company. "god, no. that's gross." the last part comes out in english instead as she scrunches her nose up with another shake of her head.

"technically, i would have counted this as my third try. the first was with the company that brought me to korea, second was next gen," she has to stop herself to shudder because the memories of that still brought some chills up her back, "and now this. i wouldn't say it would have been easy to give up, but i might have," she admits with a shrug, nudging his arm off of her at the same time. haein says this all lightheartedly now, but to be completely honest, she does think she would have just flown home if this chance didn't come to her.

she's already spent so many years trying this whole idol thing out. if it didn't work out this time, she would've decided that she just wasn't meant to go down this road. she can't help but let out another chuckle at how confident jinyoung sounds, but she appreciates his own efforts at trying to comfort her.

"i get it," is all she says before she looks up at jinyoung and gives him a single nod. "this feels more like me as well." haein's not sure if she's getting her point across, but she feels a lot more comfortable here at sr media than she did back at her old company. "the shiny lights definitely help too, if you ask me. so much flashier than all those basement studios we used to be in." she says that, but she knows there's a sudden nostalgia about all those dance studios that stick around for people like her and jinyoung.

[bejinyoung]

it's amazing how for once, kou looks like he actually has a brain in his head. jinyoung's used to the utterly lifeless stare out of the other man, never really sure if there's a functional human being inside that shell, not a thought going on. he lights up in front of the very things that apparently could kill him. not that jinyoung doesn't get it. he's always liked cats too, their independence, strong personalities, and grace. he just still finds it a little odd that he and kou have anything in common other than faking relationships to get deals.

he also squats down, closer to eye-level with the creatures, and tries to beckon them over. they're not terribly friendly, as one might expect from feral strays, but they do approach the two humans with caution. they probably smell the food on them.

"i think they were responding to those treats, not to you," jinyoung points out, not at all afraid to burst kou's bubble. he's always realistic with himself like this too. back when he used to always carry around treats and kibble just in case, he never deluded himself into thinking every single animal loved him. what they really love is food. "we should really get them actual food and not just treats. it'll make them sick if that's all they're getting," he points out, though that will have to wait for later. as kou points out, they're going to be late to practice any minute. "if these guys hang around here a lot, maybe we can start bringing them something regularly."

cats starter for @bejinyoung

"i love cats," kou says, practically squatting next to the axis building. he doesn't quite care if he looks like a fool, hair tucked in his beanie, and glasses sitting at the edge of his nose. nothing can pull him away from a cat, not just a cat, but two cats.

he smiles, genuine, as he calls out to them with his hands, palm wide open. "come here," he continues in a sing-song manner, perhaps the most un-kou-like thing he's ever done in front of jinyoung. face no longer blank or deadpanned, instead eyes bright and lips pursed as he calls out to the animals in front of him. they do end up approaching him and he beams, turning to look up at jinyoung with a smile. "did you see that? they responded to me."

if kou wasn't a trainee, he's sure he would've been a cat whisperer in another life, despite his terrible allergies. "i'm so glad i took my medicine today," he nods to himself before he reaches out into his bag, scrambling to find something. "ah, here it is," he pulls out a few cat treats and passes them to jinyoung. "i always carry these around just in case. we should give them something to eat... look at them, so skinny," he pouts. kou pouts, at the thought of the cats not being fed enough treats. "it's okay if we're a little late for practice right?" it's perhaps the most talkative kou's ever been, but he can't quite stop himself, especially when faced with two cats in front of him.