bethohh-blog

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Ugly Sweater

Today at lunch my mom made a statement that gave a glimpse to how she has been dealing or felt with my cancer. When speaking about not wanting to chase friends and who are the people that have been there for me/us (Nick and I,and my family);she spoke about my friends mom that I grew up with, Aggie. My mom made the statement of "where the Fuck were you? Where were you when my child was dying." Like she was talking to Aggie herself And I had to stop her. My mom can sometimes be a little dramatic, but in this case... She was dead on. (Please excuse my terribly timed pun) Sometimes I have trouble processing that I almost died. I, at the age of 27, have a near death experience that was real. Sure people get in car accidents or have heart attacks and those must be scary things, but nothing could have prepared me for being a newlywed cancer patient. I struggle with this more so than anything else in my life, what do I do with it? I run away from it, I reject it, I do my best to pretend that elephant isn't sitting in the room. It's like an ugly sweater you get from grandma, you pull it out when people ask to see it, but for the most part you pretend it doesn't exist; until the next time you see grandma. Being a cancer patient/survivor is like that sweater in many ways. They expect you to put the sweater on, do a little dance (when its convenient for them). They expect you to do this pretty much forever. They remind you that this "sweater" or badge of honor is something to be celebrated. I don't want to be a hero. I didn't ask for this. I don't want to be someone that is pitied, I don't want to be put on a pedestal, and I certainly don't want to be labeled a 'survivor.' I reject this notion that being a survivor is a good thing. I mean, it beats the alternative.. I think? I wouldn't really know. Being a survivor just means I didn't go down in that round that just so happened to be a title fight, the title being my life. It doesn't even mean I won the battle, I just won that war.. If there is another battle, will I be ready? No. Is anyone ready to fight cancer? No. But you put the gloves on and do it anyway. So what do I do with this badge I don't want? How do I think about what I went through without anxiety attacks or immense amounts of weeping and ugly crying? How can I listen to people tell me what ME having cancer was like for them without feeling like a complete and udder burden on these people? How can I sit through that and apologize without making myself feel worse. That's probably the worst part, knowing there isn't a Damn thing I can do about how they feel. But I emotionally can't handle wearing that stress of having to listen to people tell me what it was like for them to watch me die and the come back to life. How do I take that pain from them? What do I do? Can you tell me? What solace do I even have? The fact that it's gone? Ok. It's gone... For now. I need help, I'm drowning in this. I need a better solution to crying because at the end of my tears, I'm still just a survivor.

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be a unicorn

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Year 25

Last year around this time, I was angry, hurting, sad, and conflicted. Now, I am less of those, more relieved, grateful, rejuvenated, and excited.

There are still times when I have my "why me" moments, but those have become fewer and further between. I still have times when i am beyond mad about my hair, and the comments people make. I still have insecurities of the 50+ pounds I have gained since I started treatment. I have insecurities about the emotional tole it's taken on my friends and family. I can't seem to shake some of those things.

Year 25 of my life is here. This feels like year 1, now though. Year one to better health and being cancer free. When I got the news that I had leukemia, my life changed 100%. I had the typical cancer experience; hospitalization, disability, chemo, shaved head, more chemo, not eating, barfing for no reason, gifts for no reason, wigs, pain, hurt, sadness, tears, more chemo... ick.

It still mystifies me I realize that my life came to a screeching halt on September 20th, 2012. My life was frozen in time and everything else around me happened at a fast-forward pace. Birthdays happened, Halloween happened, Thanksgiving happened, Christmas happened, New Years happened all while i sat on the couch at watched it fly by. My life stopped. Though I wasn't going to let it win (which I didn't), April 11th, 2013 was a long time coming. I had no control of my life. My oncologist controlled every aspect of my life; what I ate, where I went, who I talked to... "don't go here, don't be around a lot of people, we need to do blood tests, get this port, don't eat that, drink plenty of water, take naps"-- that is hard. Imagine every aspect of your life that you expect to control, on top of him telling me I "can't" do those things, imagine you have the flu: Feeling sick and having the phrase "because you have cancer" echo in the deepest part of your heart.

I will from now on, never take life for granted. It warms my heart that so many people care for me and are glad I'm finally doing well. I know that these people that I surround myself with on a daily basis are genuine, and all around caring people. If you've watched me go through this battle, thank you for not making me do it alone.

Lastly, I just want to put down "on paper" how jealous I am of some couple around us. Nicholas and I are some of the hardest working people I have ever known. We have very attainable goals, when we are both feeling 100%. I see people that are buying houses and cars and have little to no problems getting what they want. That makes me so jealous. I don't wish struggle on anyone, but I do wish that our struggles were less. I guess that's all I have to say.

I'm ready to move on. I'm ready to let this be the past. I'm ready for new.

[bethohh-blog]

Excuse me but Into Darkness has been out for a week, why are there no posts talking about the fact that Cucumberpatch makes the face that suggests he’s going to steal christmas

I mean really

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Hahaha

Suspicious Quotation Marks

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I have cancer.

Just read, don't judge. Like the title says, I have cancer. Actual full blown cancer. Leukemia to be exact. I am currently receiving chemotherapy and the prognosis is good so it's on the "up and up." So to speak. My doctor is great and is very smart. He's the kind if guy that I know he's on my team. He has a game plan and we are tackling this head on. At the conclusion of chemo, tomorrow, we wait. We have to see where my numbers go, watch for infections and all kinds of good stuff. Hopefully I will be discharged toward the end of October. I am grateful this was caught early. I am happy I am not having the pain and suffering associated with some chemotherapy drugs. I can't believe the support system I have forming around me. I am also beyond words relieved that Nicholas has a support system too. A special thanks to my parents, Nicholas' mom, Barbara McDavid, Michelle, Holly and too many more to name. I appreciate you all and I hope you all know that, even if you aren't mentioned by name in this brief paragraph. Now, all that aside, I am going to get very honest. I am too fucking young for this. I've been 24 for a month and I've been married for two short months. I am not old enough to have a chronic illness! I want to be out with my hubby on adventures and dates! I want to be out with my family at baseball games, I want to cook dinner, I want to do laundry, I want to go to work, I want to drink beer and be normal. All I want back is my normalcy. Baby steps. In the next few days, I hope to see more friends and really hope to kick this thing into remission! I can do this, but I can't do it alone. Thank you for reading, Beth

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Here is a blog that will change your LIFE - it’s a must follow

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right! Now what?

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Moving is Stressful...

But I can't wait to be out of this forsaken condo.

This is the only place on the planet that will not pro-rate our rent. I know it's not expensive,  but that's not the point. Now there is a shit-ton of money I need to come up with for this new place, and worry about the old place.

The golden thing about this move is that I will finally be living with the man I love. Anytime I find myself fighting off tears, I remind myself that this is for the better. It's a place of certantity. I'm doing this because in a few short months, I will be married to the man of my dreams, and that makes it worth it.

So. Now. I stand up, dust myself off, put on my big girl panties, and GTFO. Cable, Power, Internet, a beautiful kitchen to call my own, a comfortable lay out of an apartment... all reasons for happiness...

Keep posted for future updates... who knows.. i might even post some pictures :)

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There’s three groups of people talking about something called “Kony” right now: self-righteous liberals who you don’t even pay attention to because they have a different OMFG THE WORLD IS FUCKED cause every week, your Tumblr friends and the mainstream media which means this might be something...

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