bghw - Tumblr blog

[bghw]

20

12 - Unang beses na may pinursue akong tao dahil ang alam ko n'ong mga panahong 'yon - gusto ko siya (J). Mas nakilala ko pa nang kaunti, hindi na lang siya ngayon maganda, mabait pa pala. 'Yong gusto lang, inangat ko pa, sinabi ko n'ong mahal ko siya.

12 - Inamin ko sa sarili kong may iba naman talaga akong gusto (D). Hindi ko lang tinayaan kasi mas'yadong mataas 'yong tingin ko. 'Yong tipong dose pa lang ako pero nagsettle agad ako sa ibang tao (J).

13 - Nawala siya (J), masakit, pero hindi naman ako naghabol.

14 - Bumalik siya, tinanggap ko.

14 - Umalis ulit siya, hinayaan ko.

15 - Bumalik ulit siya, tinanggap ko.

16 - Parang nalaman ng mga magulang ko, hindi naman sila nagalit. Nahalata ko lang kasi nagpapasaring sila na bata pa ako. Pero wala akong paki n'on, ang nasa isip ko lang dati, p'wede namang magmahal kahit bata pa. Akala ko pa napakarami ko nang alam dahil sa apat na taon eh ilang beses na akong iniwan at binalikan.

16 - Umalis siya, bumalik, hindi ko na tinanggap.

17 - May bago na akong mahal (E) - mahal as in akala ko pagmamahal. Sinabi ko n'on sa sarili ko, parang ito pa lang 'yong first love ko, kasi parang may bagong kahulugan na 'yong pag-ibig. Ang magical n'on para sa akin, parang pelikula, masaya, pero ako lang mag-isa.

18 - May bago na naman (C), dito ako pinakanabaliw, pinaka-umiyak, pinakanasaktan. "Pinakanasaktan" 'yong huling salita sa huling pangungusap, dapat alam niyo na kung ano'ng kahulugan.

19 - May dalawa akong nakilala (R at M). Binigay ko lahat ng kaya ko sa kanya (R), akala ko kasi siya na. Kasi siya 'tong mas nagsasabing naaappreciate niya ako, lahat ng ginagawa ko. Tumaya ako nang husto sa kanya, kahit 'yong isa (M) naman talaga 'yong mas gusto kong makasama.

Hindi ko na ikinuwento lahat ng katangahan ko sa pag-ibig. Hindi na rin naman magandang alalahanin.

21 - Narerealize kong all these years, hindi naman siguro talaga ako nagmahal. O ewan? Hindi ako sigurado kung mas gusto kong mapasa'kin 'yong isang tao kaysa mas gusto ko siya mismo. Lahat ng ginagawa ko hindi ko alam kung dahil mahal ko ba sila o gusto ko lang maranasang mahalin nila. Mas mahal ko lang siguro 'yong ideya ng pagmamahal kaysa sa mga taong kinabaliwan at akala ko minahal ko.

I have romanticized romance to the point it's not healthy.

Lumaki akong nanunuod sa palagid ng mga nagmamahalan and I always see it as perfect as I can imagine despite the reality that what's I am seeing is just the outside.

Maybe I was jealous kaya naghanap ako nang naghanap ng mamahalin ako hanggang sa hindi ko na natutunang mahalin 'yong sarili ko.

I am now 21.. still, with no one - even myself.

All I can reminisce about these past years is me trying to pursue someone and make them fit in my fucking life denying the fact that they clearly don't.

20 - Wala akong gustong matandaan.

[bghw]

About 24 hours since I got home. Home, I mean, my parent's house. Don't get me wrong. I love my family, I do, really! But I don't know...

I feel empty.

With me in this picture from left to right are Julius, 'Michelle', Joebert and 'Nanay' ni Mica! I just blogged about that night when I was surprised that Julius and Joebert are not in our room and their things were scattered all over our area and I just went crraaazzzzyyyyy. This is another piece of shit somehow similar to that.

Frankly, I always look forward to that moment when me and my family are enjoying our comfortable and stable life with a nice dream house. And I think most of us do. And that dream's so so so different growing up even up to this very moment. So when I had the opportunity to leave with a good excuse, even if it'll be harder for me, I did. But of course, I went back a semester after 'cause I can't really support myself financially. I can't have a job while joggling my academic performance and my extra school activities.

Fast forward, I graduated, review season approached, and we need to prepare for our recently concluded board exam so I chose to live in a dormitory with Julius and Joebert. Financially speaking, it wasn't a good idea in my case just because... I'll leave it this way for now. But being with Julius and Joebert is something that I consider a blessing, a gift. I learned a lot, like a LOT of different things coming from different spectrums of life, believe me, A LOT!!!

But inevitably, we have to come back with our families after all. They are so happy about the thought of coming home. And I was not. Not because I didn't miss my family, it just that I really feel like they are my home.

And 24 hours after, what makes me more sad that I don't think they feel the same.

[bghw]

BACK

I am at it again! I just deleted a number of my nonsense blogs a while ago 'cause you know? I read all of them again and they are just SO SO SO not me.

I mean, there are things that I keep despite the changes that passed with and in it, but UGH! I just feel like I have to learn the art of letting go.

So yes, I am back at it again, and UGH!!! I wish I can tell you more.

But I don't know.

[bghw]

Sobrang dami kong gustong sabihin, isulat, isigaw, iiyak... pero wala! Wala akong magawa.

[bghw]

23:51 08272019

Galing ako sa ilang kaibigan sa hindi kalayuan. Maghahating-gabi na n'ong nakarating ako sa dorm naming inaasahan kong nakakandado na - pero ayos lang dahil handa ako, nasa akin lahat ng kopya ng mga susi sa mga pinto at kandado. Pero ilang metro pa bago ako makarating, tanaw ko nang nakabukas 'yong gate. Masaya pa sana ako kasi, Teh!? Ang hirap buksan n'on pero hindi ko na ipapaliwanag kung bakit. Ilang hakbang pa, nakasindi ang mga ilaw. Umakyat ako nang nagtataka hanggang sa kwarto naming magkakaibigan kasi ang tahimik nga!!! Baka tulog na 'yong mga nasa kabilang kwarto o kung anuman. Pero paglagpas ko sa ibang mga kwarto, lahat tahimik at walang bakas na may tao. Nakarating ako sa kwarto namin, nakakandado pero normal lang kasi sinasara talaga namin palagi 'yon. Pagbukas ko, wala sila - wala sila pero bukas ang bentilador, nakakalat 'yong mga papel at libro, 'yong calculator at iba pang mga gamit. Pumunta ako sa terrace, wala rin sila. Bumaba ako kasi bukas 'yong ilaw sa kusina pero wala pa rin sila. Bumalik ako sa kwarto nang iniisip na pinaglalaruan lang ako ng mga kaibigan ko hanggang nagbago na lang 'yong imnararamdaman ko matapos ang ilang minuto. Pinalitan ng sobrang takot! Sinubukan kong kontakin sila pero nasa kwarto rin pala namin mga telepono nila. Kinandado ko 'yong sarili ko! Sinara lahat kasi napakaraming hindi magagandang bagay 'yong pumasok na sa isip ko. Nagsabi ako sa iba kong mga kaibigan ng mga nangyayari at kinabahan din sila. Lumipas ang ilan pang minuto - sampu, labinglima, dalampu at ilan pa. Wala pa rin sila. Tahimik pa rin 'yong buong dormitoryo, rinig na rinig ko 'yong lakas ng paghinga at kaba ko. Pinapatay na ako sa kaba hanggang sa sumilip ako sa bintana at malipas ang ilang sandali, natanaw ko silang dalawa mula sa malayo. Nakita ko silang nagtatawanan pa habang naglalakad, at higit sa lahat - ligtas. Masyado lang pala akong nag-iisip ng mga hindi magagandang bagay. Sa wakas, napanatag ako.

Nagsabi na sila kung saan sila galing at iba pang mga detalye, nakipagbiruan na sa'kin at lahat, pero bumaba na talaga 'yong enerhiya ko kahit napanatag na ako. Hanggang sa pumasok na isip ko 'yong nararamdaman ko.

Totoo palang takot ako - at malungkot.

Kasi hindi ako handa sa inabutan kong darating naman na talaga sa mga susunod na araw.

Malapit ko nang sabihing "Nakauwi na ako!" pero hindi sila ang dadatnan.

Hindi ko sila kadugo at ni hindi nga matawag ang isa't-isa bilang aming pinakamatalik na mga kaibigan, pero tinuturing ko silang tahanan.

Natatakot akong didilim na naman 'yong mundo ko. Natatakot akong magiging peke na naman 'yong mga tawa ko.

Nalulungkot ako sa lahat ng 'to.

Joebert at Julius, mahal na mahal ko kayo.

[bghw]

Hindi ako pwedeng sumagot

May kaklase akong lumapit sa'kin kanina to rant, 500 na lang daw pera niya for today hanggang bukas. Sa sabado pa siya magkakapera for the next weekdays kasi weekly siya umuuwi sa kanila to recharge his wallet. Hindi ako nakasagot. Hindi ko alam kung makisisimpatya ba ako o what? Kasi naiinggit ako.

The last time na nagka-500 ako was 11 days ago, 'yon na 'yon. Hindi ko alam kung paano ako nabubuhay. Hindi ko alam kung paano ako nakakain. Hindi ko alam kung paano ako sa susunod na mga araw. Hindi ko alam kung paano ako makapagbabayad ng bills o requirements kagaya ng putanginang clearance na 'yan kasi wala ring capability 'yong nanay ko to support me. Wala na rin 'yong DOST.

Pero bawal kong sabihin sa'yong "Ako nga..." kasi wala eh, bawal 'yon. Don't compare. Hehe!

[bghw]

Holding the Man

“the best”

when Coming of Age genre meets the Gay Community. ang masterpiece ng movie na to. wala akong masabe kase sobrang na frustrate ako (in a positive way) after nung film. buti nakatulong yung happy music sa end credits. basta ang sakit sa puso. kagabe ko pa yan sya napanood pero kanina paggising ko ito agad yung unang pumasok sa isip ko at gusto ko na naman umiyak. jusko. basta see for yourself.

[bghw]

.

Wala akong masagutan kahit isa nang hindi tumitingin sa mga formulas at nakaraang examples.

Kahit naman tumitingin ako, wala pa rin.

Hindi ko na talaga alam.

Ikamamatay ko 'to.

😔

[bghw]

Unmasking

It has always been you, Jeff.

Always you.

[bghw]

:(

I'm taking medications...

For my depression...

I am not telling any of friends about this, and when I finally did, no one believed me because I have always been this "happy" guy ever since.

So tomorrow, I will try to make everybody laugh again, I will radiate happiness I never knew where the hell I am getting from.

I am OK.

PUTANGINA!

[bghw]

12022017 📷 @shairapampola (at Teacher's Camp)

[bghw]

Love knows no boundaries- not religion, age, distance, nor gender Its not just you and this world. Not because your sexuality is on the norms you can just mock gays and bisexuals or what. Your devils against other thinking proves that you have the weakest mind a man could have. And dissing those who were treated as born sick doesnt necessarily imply that you are straight. What’s wrong with a boy liking a boy? Or a girl liking another girl? It’s all normal like picking which pet between cats or dogs. Some may prefer dogs some would be cats. You dont diss someone for having a cat because you own a dog? Right? So fuck you who think being straight give you the dominion over all creations specially those who happened to be not straight. I have come to think that these over reacting guys were just afraid of being called as such(gay) so as to provide a fucking defense for their straightness they pinpoint all the things gays or bi’s does and oppose that it is gross and “yuck” well fuck you. And to my bestfriend who is going through alot of these, Being dissed, Well you know who understand you and who merely not. Those Close-minded are not to far of having a dumb brain. You are a character of your own. And to the guy who labeled himself as straight and all sorts of being this perfect guy well You know that this world is filled with many preferences. It’s not only you who make choices. And not all your choices that goes with the customs should be the standard of good and morality. We all have brains. It’s just so happen the we have an open mind to understand both sides of thinking. Peace out dudes. #AllLoveIsEqual #love

[bghw]

I think i will never be in a real intimate relationship and it scares the shit out of me

       Perhaps it’s one in a million of scariest things for an individual who seeks a sound life. I mean who would never want an intimacy? Yeah i know they say it would cause me nothing but a stress, well maybe it’s not the stress im aiming for but the idea of someone is loving you. Regarding this i am very idealistic about the person of my life, but as time goes by, and as i realized no one is looking at me the way i want them my standards lowered. It’s lame but as of now i just want to have someone. I don’t want to sound like a man with low self esteem. Well i know lots of people who lowered their level in need of love. i dont want to rationalize it as a work of being slut but as to what this society presented the morality it’s defenitely a work of #$%&. And im really unfortunate, for almost two years in university i still dont have someone i could share my life to. Perhaps girls want nothing but abs and biceps and i happen to have none of these. Well between brain and muscles, Muscles catches the eye faster than the intellect manifestation. Maybe girls these days wants a guy who could feed their eyes, and less for their mind. I mean how couod a typical girl stand a guy who talks alot about the existential world and how happiness and sadness coincides at very small instances and how the earth rotates and how i give a shit about things that dont matter to her?? This is horrifying!! Maybe there’s still few of em that craves more for a healthy talks than a healthy body, i just hope there will be someone who could turn eyes on me and like, me and her, for real… Okay i sound so crazy.

[bghw]

We came from different universities having diverse beliefs, opinions, principles and stands in life. But we are being united in one vision as we joined the PAASA IYF 2017. We believe in the power of student leaders in spreading awareness and taking actions towards justice and peace issues. We commit to perform the duties and responsibilities in our utmost capacity by taking stand in issues relevant to justice and peace. We shall create innovative ways on how to address the long-term problems in justice and peace. #PAASAIYF2017 #HouseOfJAMITY #Silhouette #Boracay #Sunset #Love #Photography #Adobe #LightRoom (at Boracay)

[bghw]

"All I know at the end of the day Is you love who you love, there ain't no other way If there's something I've learnt from a million mistakes You're the one that I want at the end of the day" - #EndOfTheDay - #OneDirection 1/5 #NiallHoran 2/5 #HarryStyles 3/5 #LiamPayne 4/5 #LouisTomlinson 5/5 #ZaynMalik #1D #Art #Lines #Stencil #Love #VSCO PILOT G-TEC-C4 on Vellum Board

[bghw]

"All I know at the end of the day Is you love who you love, there ain't no other way If there's something I've learnt from a million mistakes You're the one that I want at the end of the day" - #EndOfTheDay - #OneDirection 1/5 #NiallHoran 2/5 #HarryStyles 3/5 #LiamPayne 4/5 #LouisTomlinson 5/5 #ZaynMalik #1D #Art #Lines #Stencil #Love #VSCO PILOT G-TEC-C4 on Vellum Board

[bghw]

"All I know at the end of the day Is you love who you love, there ain't no other way If there's something I've learnt from a million mistakes You're the one that I want at the end of the day" - #EndOfTheDay - #OneDirection 1/5 #NiallHoran 2/5 #HarryStyles 3/5 #LiamPayne 4/5 #LouisTomlinson 5/5 #ZaynMalik #1D #Art #Lines #Stencil #Love #VSCO PILOT G-TEC-C4 on Vellum Board