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BREAKING NEWS: Insider “Jeff” Informs “Bible Gossip” Magazine that Mary had an affair! The Tell-All Exclusive Interview, Page 45.

My friend said, “Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?” I replied, “The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus.” He laughed, “A miracle?!”

I said, “No. Sex that I can’t tell anyone about.”

[biblegossip]

How Gay was Jesus, Ranked from 0-6?

The year is 2020, and we are all equipped with the knowledge of our own gayness. I mean, you might be mostly straight, but you are at least a little bit gay. It’s just science. 

Shame that the Bible wasn’t written in 2020, and therefore assumed Jesus to be a heterosexual. God, people were just so close-minded back then. Can you believe that people assumed Jesus’s sexuality?

Today, we don’t take any major public figure’s sexuality for granted. We’re enlightened enough to have public discourse (via twitter) on the matter. Take, for example, the famous debate: did the colors of Taylor Swift’s wig in her music video You Need to Calm Down mean she was secretly coming out of the closet? I mean, her hair was the color of the bisexual flag: 

Celebrity gossip blogs, of course, reported on this matter. Elle.com’s June 2019 post “Twitter Thinks Taylor Swift May Have Subtly Come Out As Bisexual In 'You Need To Calm Down” inspected the music video’s potential (gay) easter egg.

(Hate to break it to you, heterosexuals, but the Easter Bunny is definitely a gay icon. I mean, look at his outfit. Have you ever seen a straight man wearing a bowtie outside of a wedding and/or formal school dance? On the Kinsey Scale, the Easter Bunny is defiantly a 5. See the chart below).

In this article, I will attempt to correct one of history’s many injustices: popular culture’s assumption of Jesus’s heterosexuality.  We’ve devoted so much time to wonder if Ben Affleck and Matt Damon are gay, isn’t it time we ask ourselves if Jesus was into dick?

We live in a celebrity culture, but what about the Bible’s celebrities? You know, the people God *actually* wants us to read about?

So, let’s get to the question I asked right in the title: just how gay was Jesus?

We’ve already discussed the fact that Jesus was at least a 1. The year is 2020, and no one is totally straight. Like you can at least name one same-gender celebrity that you would bone if given the chance.

Take, for example, me. I’m mostly straight but here’s my personal gay-exception list: 

Taylor Swift (I have a chance! There’s a possibility she might be kind of gay!)

My College Roommate (She was like super hot and yeah we did actually hook up, ka-ching)

Any Woman that is Alive and Into Me and Brushes Her Teeth Regularly

I think I might actually be significantly gay

Who would be on Jesus’ gay exception list? To research this question, I googled “hottest bible characters.” There were about 4,980,000 results. I surveyed the internet’s opinions with a grain of salt and arrived at my own conclusions. They’re listed below:

Guys Jesus Would Bone

1. Joseph 

No one get too mad at me -- remember it’s not his biological dad. And like half the videos on pornhub are titled “Stepmom Bangs her Barely Legal Stepson on Top of His 18th Birthday Cake.” It’s a common fantasy now, and it was probably a common fantasy then.

2. King David 

King David was fit enough to fight off wolves and lions. On a purely animal level, Jesus would be aroused watching Kind David fight off these predators because his survival drive would be like, ding ding ding you found yourself a protector.

3. Samson

Samson ripped out the jawbone of an ass with his bare sexy hands and “slain a thousand men.” (Judges 15: 16). He was James Bond of the Old Testament. Also, he slain a thousand men with his ass? Um, okay -- that’s freaking hot.

4. Probably Lots More Men

Listen, this was before Trojan released its UltraRibbed UltraSmooth Lubricated condoms ™ . If a guy was gonna screw a girl before marriage, he had to rip out the belly of a squirrel and use that as a condom. There was no other way to detach the act of sex from the possibility of pregnancy -- other than to have gay sex. The Greeks were the only ones who talked about it, but everyone must have been doing it. I’m not a historian, but I have common sense.

So given that Jesus was most likely into Joesph, King David, Samson, and probably lots more men, I’d say he’s a 5 on the Kinsey Scale. I reached out to Pope Francis for comment, and in an email he replied that I was “most likely right.”