bigbloodybalumba

[bigbloodybalumba]

You're in her DMs, I'm thinking about animated icon bugs bunny and drunkenly reading tweets about him after purposely seeking them out.

[bigbloodybalumba]

I wasn't gonna drink tonight but I miss roman roy like a motherfucker

[bigbloodybalumba]

Do NOT let his ass onto pinterest and picsart

[bigbloodybalumba]

Substance abuse is so fun when you don't have a bitch in your ear telling you it's going to ruin your health and your relationships

[bigbloodybalumba]

Enjoying being called a sick fuck not in a kinky way but in a "wow look at them reacting to my existence to the point of emotion and disgust" way.

[bigbloodybalumba]

If she's your girl why am I sending her 70 messages in a row in a state of panic and banging and clawing at her door and demanding her attention at every possible moment

[bigbloodybalumba]

You wear your brother's shoes to bring the groceries from the car, and now you think of what it's like to be him. The first born and the legacy. The prodigy and the eldest boy. Reading and creating music and operating devices while you were busy crawling around in your own shit. The entire world has never made sense to him and he operated in a way that made him the butt of the joke. He blocks out memories of cruelty from being the youngest person in the room. He will always be that little boy in a room of adults, but you want him to be your older brother. The exception, behaviour being brushed off because "it's him" and that's just how he is. The fragile pup to your defensive guard dog. You punch down on his fragility, he weaponises it. He is an ocean, but doesn't understand that you are too. He cannot comprehend you, but you have grown up comprehending him.

[bigbloodybalumba]

You are sitting with your brother, now grown but not entirely. He asks if you remember when your father handed him the belt he would discipline you both with and asked your brother to hit him. It's hazy to you, and you don't really remember, but you can't deny that it happened (and it might have more than once).

You are sitting with your mother, and you are 16 years old, crying to her and asking her what's wrong with you. There have been no real tragedies in your life. She confirms that fact to you, saying everyone feels like this, and that you shouldn't worry about it. You wonder why no one has said anything about it if everyone has felt this way. She leaves you feeling like she doesn't comprehend the extent of what you're saying. You have never been able to speak to her openly without crying, and you're sure it will never change.

You are in the car with your family after dinner. Your father is driving and speaking. Amidst the lighthearted conversation, he says sincere words in a joking tone about how you are a normal person who is trying so hard to be complicated. He's said as much before. You pretend it doesn't bother you for the next few days or the rest of your life. Your mountain has been made, the molehill is no longer there.

You are with your brother as he sits at the dinner table and rewatches a show that you find too pedestrian and juvenile. You stare at him with a despondent look. You begin a few sentences, trying to tell him that there is something wrong despite there being no reason for it. The sentences never complete themselves. You hold his hand despite constantly avoiding his touch your entire life. He doesn't respond. He is a boy and a man and a child who does not understand the look you give him. He doesn't understand more than himself. You wish he was the kind of older brother that you could communicate with through a look, that he would know when there's something wrong and what to do about it. The reality is that he isn't. You go back to your room entirely defeated.

[bigbloodybalumba]

RIP Lady Macbeth you would have loved pronouns

[bigbloodybalumba]

Me and the bad bitch i pulled through insane sorkinian bantery dialogue

[bigbloodybalumba]

"Wah wah you know that's a defensive mechanism because you're actually really sensitive deep down and you do that to protect yourself and your ego" BITES YOU BITES YOU BITES YOU SO HARD THAT YOU BLEED AND DIE

[bigbloodybalumba]

"Are you on tumblr? The porn site?"

-my dad

[bigbloodybalumba]

You hear that? That's the sound of my dad pretending not to be bothered by things but making it so obvious that he is.

[bigbloodybalumba]

To me, Jeremy Strong's appeal comes from the fact that he looks like your uncool but heartwarming professor that lowkey can't teach for shit but he's clearly smart and passionate but you have no idea how he's kept this position for so long. Like I can imagine coming up to him to ask him why he graded my assignment a certain way and he'll give me a half an hour explanation that only briefly touches on what I need to improve on and he bumps my grade up anyway since I asked (even though I just came for better feedback).

But you know he goes hard in department and staff union meetings.

[bigbloodybalumba]

The voice of God is whispering to me rn and he's telling me you're a bitch

[bigbloodybalumba]

Pencil me in? Oh you're not gonna just pencil me in. I'm gonna get fucking highlighted

[bigbloodybalumba]

Always the author never the muse I guess!!!