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On top of the Yankees field cat there was a praying mantis on top of the nationals players hat tonight. Huge night in baseball

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give yourself the space to fall in love with who you are

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The microbes inside me are pleased by my yogurt offering. I live another day.

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Al Pacino and Bruce Springsteen playing baseball can actually be something so personal

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frames from a new animation / more

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t day number one today. so, so proud of how honest i have been with myself and how i’ve come through for my own happiness. i can see a future of radical trans joy.

also, feeling great 6 days post-op with very little pain!

i’m calling it my designer body. i worked hard for this meat sack! i intend to love the shit out of it!!!!

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well well well i just learned it’s transmasc pride day.

story time: when i was 18, i came out to my mom as queer by accident when i was home from university. it went great, she was very supportive, and i learned later that the day i came out was actually national coming out day. huh.

every year for the last, oh i don’t know, four years or so, i’ve had the same thought on trans day of visibility. not yet. not yet.

last year on my birthday i disclosed my transness to my partner. it jumped from my lips while we were in the car. it felt like my whole brain and body came together in that moment to spur on what they both knew to be my most authentic, truthful self.

i had a gyno appointment today and the doctor encouraged me to consider progesterone treatments to stop my periods to ease some symptoms i’ve been having. i’m not on t yet, but she said either one would have the same result - no periods, no pain, no menstrual trauma.

i’ve been going back and forth on the idea of t for a few years. mostly the back and forth has involved me knowing t will deliver the changes that suit my gender presentation but feeling completely incapable of pursuing a social transition. it was too scary, too overwhelming, too far away. i didn’t feel brave enough. as time has worn on the possibility has become more and more accessible.

today i talked it through with my partner, who’s my absolute champion. progesterone? the pregnancy hormone? side effects include hip-related weight gain and increased breast tissue? can’t be the one. what if it’s just time to jump in?

top surgery is 2 weeks away. i’m finally entering the body i’ve always wanted. my confidence is building to start t sooner rather than later. it would stop my cycle anyway. and it would bring forth the changes that are right for me.

so today i decided (out loud, for real) to start t. on transmasc pride day.

typical. 

i’m overjoyed.

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Rick Sternbach’s tricorder concept art for Star Trek: TNG

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[You don’t owe cis people an identity that’s easily digestible. Define your gender however feels best to you.]

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did some mindfulness during a skincare session tonight. took my time with some facial massage, smoothed the mask over my face, neck, and chest, and focused on the way the clay cooled my skin as it sat. i put oscar peterson on and let those vibes bring my heart rate down.

dysphoria was pretty bad today, lads. all i could see were the changes yet to come. i wore one of my best tees that sits perfectly over my binder and went for a walk, which helped. sweating always helps.

after my skincare time and a shower, i took some pics since i was feeling myself a bit. i’m proud of myself for not just coping but moving myself through a day like this. 

17 days til top surgery. not long.

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nat’s tip for life #328398: put a face mask on your neck and chest

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When we’re new to adulthood, it doesn’t immediately occur to all of us that you’re almost always allowed to leave a situation, because growing up we’re forced to stay in situations until someone dismisses us and/or takes us home, or if we do leave on our own accord there’s someone waiting at home to say “we don’t quit in this family!” Boring party? You can leave. You don’t like the lecture? You can walk out. New doctor not working out? You can end the appointment, you don’t need to wait for them to dismiss you. Bad date? You can just go home. Leaving a situation prematurely might have consequences, but unless you’re under arrest or serving prison time, it’s pretty much always allowed.

--commenter Allison @ askamanager

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