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The Miracle Paper [Testimony] by petitelrica

Maybe some of you can't relate to what I am experiencing right now but I had this work every after my class schedule, 5 o'clock pm to be exact, weekdays to a wealthy family, and my job is to guide and teach their daughter in her studies. In other words, a tutor. 

Just this afternoon, I was killing the time sitting on the bench near the main gate of our school. Waiting for the time to strike at five o'clock in the afternoon and transformed to be a 'teacher by night' (It was my term since I am a student by morning). I was a loner sitting quietly, holding my tab and my phone as well and connect it to wi-fi and checked my Facebook account until I got bored and begin to think of things that are real. We just had this minor financial problem that I admit I had a mistake in budgeting our allowance for the whole month of April. Although, we have paid all the expenses that needs to be paid, yet, there was a bias in increasing the budget to that specific bill and confidently paid extra to it. It was too late to take it back and seems it led us to the consequence part. Now, we have not enough extra budget left for our food and fare. All my life it has been my struggle -- budgeting. But at this very moment since that incident happened, I change the way how I deal and face this kind of problem.

It was 5 o'clock in the afternoon, from school I need to travel to the waiting shed near to a tennis court and there my tutee's dad picked me up with their car and went to their home. While travelling I was thinking to whom I'll seek help financially and decided to text my best friend who lives to the other island, and she said that she is willing to help. So I was hopeful and really feel sorry to myself. I told her that I will pay her as soon as I received my pay from my work. 

(Yes, I can ask for a Cash Advance (CA) but I already did got the half but it was spend to my school stuff and food that last for a week and I am to shy already to ask for second time for this month since my schedule tutoring my tutee was schedule MWF and thinking I could only receive half of the pay than the usual pay which is school year class schedule. So I didn't bother asking about it and really thought for another solution of the problem)

So as soon as we arrived in their home, I quickly went up to her room and do some stretching first then started to answer her booklet from Kumon. This is the challenging part as her tutor, or maybe even as a student in the morning, or a professional teacher in the mere future. When your problem seems to attack your mind and drives your emotion down your mood starts to change with a mixed of annoyance and kinda not liking to work at all. But I didn't let it ate my entire mind and soul and really pushed myself to think positive. Part of me seems to tell me that I am NOT special at all. I don't deserve to have a great life that is why this happens to me all the time. My mistakes are not acceptable and cannot be forgiven at all. Then as I looked my self in the mirror behind her study table, it seems it was telling me that I am ugly and useless (I just want to share all the attacks that happened to me). No one will accept me as I am because I am a young woman who works hard but NO ONE appreciates my hard work and that I am old at my age to study and work as well. It seems my past is visiting my mind again. BUT then, I didn't let myself lose by the judgement of my past. It was really a battle between maturity and immaturity on how to deal with this problem. Then I realize I have to believe in miracle.

We were almost done with her last booklet and she seems to work fast because she was excited to do whatever she wants (well, kids always love that part -- watching television) and I can't deny it that I was happy as well because at last I can go home already and have my short time of rest before I study my lessons in school. Suddenly, someone opened the door of her room and it was her Ate (Yaya). As usual, I don't really mind who opens her door because I just really want to focus on guiding her, i mean I am used to it that someone would open her door randomly. But this time was the moment that I NEVER expected. Her Ate asked me; "Excuse me teacher! Did you receive your cash advance already last week?" then I answered in a soft and tuttered voice "Yes, Ate. I already receive it." (With a smile on my face) I thought it was the end of conversation but then she explained and passed me this paper; "Here teacher, your other half-pay for this month. I'll just give this to you in advance before I forget to give it to you." And I just couldn't believe what had happen and all my only response to her was; "ahh, thank you ate." As she went outside the room I checked the paper and to my surprise that I know this sounds weird and crazy but tears starting to fall from my eyes! I just couldn't stop it so I let it fall anyhow (while my tutee was serious answering her last 3 page of her booklet). Then I heard this very soft voice and this is the exact word I heard:

"Claire, I care for you and I love you. You are special to me and you deserve this. You deserve to be loved. Take this and use it for your needs." [I translated it to English because some words were in Cebuano]

I was leave speechless for awhile and I really couldn't stop my tears falling. I am sure that it was a tears of joy and finally, I looked up and said; "God, thank you!".

I didn't bother to ask God for a miracle to happen that day but he did. Right now, no words can really define the bliss that I feel deep inside of me. All I really know of what just happened to me is that God's favor was upon me and I remember that I did asked him for favor before I leave the house early in the morning to school. The times that I didn't believe that miracle happens and prayer doesn't work at all just ended today. I give back the glory and honor to my loving and caring God!

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Love life in Loving Life [petitelrica]

05/04/14 || 1:30-3:50PM Coffeeworks. I don't even know if it has something to do with my life today. I'm glad a friend invited me to study with her on her trigometry. Well, it's a great timing and idea 'cause I was also looking for a place to study this afternoon for my literature exam tomorrow. So, we chose to sit on the very corner of the coffee shop, she ordered herself a drink and treat me a cookie as well, and water was good for me anyway. We talked for a moment about some school stuffs then after that, we've started to study our lessons. Few hours later, I finished reading the 'long' short story (that's how I call it, literally). It took me an hour because I make it to the point that my eyes were starting to fall and I fell asleep from my comfy chair gor a couple of minutes, yhen my friemd woke me up with a tap of my book that I was holding. Maybe it's because of the combination of the the cool temperature inside the shop and the hot temperature outside, and I am sitting near the window by the way. But thank God for the blinders that let's me feel fine. More like having a sun bathing in my own version. Anyway, the story I've just read was titled the Blue Blood of the Big Astana. It was about a harelip kid who grew up as a servant of one of the known Datu in their place. The kid wrote the story or somehow a message for the daughter of the Datu expressing how he really feels for her. Since they were kids, they were close to each other and had this feeling that he liked her so much as he descibed her on the story. But because of the blood and walls that seperates his feelings towards her, he would rather self-pity on himself and accept the fact that it is impossible for the Datu's very lovely daughter would fell in love with a non-blue blooded guy with a harelip like him. Then the story goes on that the lovely daughter married a young Datu from another place. Before knowing the ending, I thought that she would be living a happy life and years later they had kids. Which they did have. But it was far away than I expected. Things didn't weren't easy and peaceful for the young daughter. His husband got prissoned because he wanted to start a war against the christian government in a town and he wanted to establish his own governance instead. But he never won and fail by his own motives of winning. All his possessions were confiscate and all that was ever left was his family living in a small house and the life of the lovely daughter began to be what normal families do unlike before her life living in her father's astana with servants accompanied her all the way. After seven years, the harelip guy met her again and they've talked for awhile. But as much as the harelip guy wanted to bring her and her kids with him on his place and would take care of her just as they were kids, he decided to leave her life just the way it is simply because they were really not meant for each other and he have to accept the fact that he has no blue blood running through his veins. Even Allah can't weave them together. It gave me a deep thought after reading the story. Well, maybe there are some things that was not really meant for us or maybe we just need to fight for it until we've made it to the point that it is useless to fight anymore. Either way or it was not really for us. Its quite a sad reality that you've met a person who seems to be okay and comfortable to be with and thinking that this person is the one that ypu've been looking for and you'll be perfect together, forever. But there will always be that one standard, beliefs, preferences, religion, even blood rules could change your thoughts and could possibly change your whole life and story between your relationship to that person. Love seems to have its own taste of selfishness, or in some way, bitterness. In my case if I were to pick an ending of this story, what if the harelip guy have fought for his feelings towards the daughter and forget all the preferences and blood rules for the sake of love? I mean, he's the man! If he could only find the ticklish part of the Datu, maybe, just maybe the Datu would find him okay for his daughter. Kif he really loves her daughter then rules won't seem to matter. But that seems a fantasy if we think of it that way, or probably the harelip guy would get the worst punishment fpr his entire life. Going back to the story, yes, he accepted and faced reality instead and moved on with his life. He was single. But he moved on, and we'll never know after leaving her behind, he has found happiness and the love of his life for a lifetime and actually had a happy ending. Well, Maybe, just maybe. I don't kow how exactly to end this message. Even I myself have never experience a happy ending of my love story. I understand how the harelip guy feels (and while I was reading the story I remembered a guy whom I currently like who seems to be blind not really noticing the present picture, but yea, were friends. I hope so) and somehow, I don't want to end up like the lovely daugther's nightmare. But this afternoon was full of realizations about 'love life' and loving life. It ain't no big deal for me and I don't even rush things as well but WE all need that one person (its a NEED people) who would actually accept who we are and would faithfully and lovingly spend their life to us, for a lifetime. The least that you expect, it will come and might as well surprise you.

[bipolaretite]

... because I SECRETLY and simply love the way you are.

[The answer to your question 'Why?'] :')

[bipolaretite]

Sweet Disposition by petitelrica

I will tell you something honest before I proceed; I am quite bitter but with a sweet disposition.

All my life I never experience a good perfect happy endings that last forever just like in the movies. It goes something like this, one day you bump this person in a random place then you get to know each other and make friends with you. Then your conversation goes deeper and deeper until you had this mutual feeling that you start liking each other. Then your friendship turns out to be in a relationship and then the both of you starts to build trust, made promises for eternity, exchange i love you's, having some sweet moments, sharing your ideas for your future. Then after that the guy would ask a favor from you and you just gave him what he asked because you simply love him and you don't want to loose him and make fights so you gave him everything so as he did to you. Then you're relationship went awesome until something went wrong and the guy turned out to be cheating on you and lied to you all the time. Loyalty shattered. Then you started to feel the pain inside of you like a knife that stabbed your heart and slowly cuts all it's veins. You started to have an argument and the guy keeps on denying. Then finally the guy decided to split up with you and gave you reasons that seems to drag your emotions down that leave you speechless and feeling like you are worthless now. Well, let me tell you honestly that I've been to that kind of situation. There was this song that says 'Love is not a fight but its something worth fighting for'. I've tried to fight for love, not just once, twice but almost an infinite count including my mind that keeps on thinking on how to save a relationship. But you know what happened? I wasted almost half of my life crying every day and night. I was too naive to the point that I didn't consider weak and depressed body because I ever cared of was to save the relationship but the truth behind all of this is that the person that I am trying to fight for didn't do anything for me except that he dump me, looked at me like I don't deserve to be respected and treat you like a stranger.

 Don't get me wrong and judge me easily by sharing this kind of stuffs and it's very unusual for me to share things in public but I just can't keep this any longer and I have to speak out and share what reality seems to slap me all the time. I mean, c'mon! Who on earth have never experience break-ups or brokenheartedness? You can't really hide and deny it forever, its reality that we really have to face. I've only been in a relationship thrice and the last one was the worst break up. It sucks to remember every single thing about it and I don't give a ------- for telling me his feeling changed after getting all he wants, left me and giving me such lame reasons and telling me that 'I don't deserve to have you'.

Now, CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT THAT MEANS? It was my greatest nightmare and after that incident there was a big change on how I look at myself and the way I understand love and loving someone and even got to the point of what does 'crush' or liking someone really means to a human? Would you mind if I share these questions that keeps on running in my mind? I mean, seriously, am I a bad person? Am I not that attractive and pretty enough? And what really bothers me the most is that am I too perfect for someone? Or am I that imperfect that doesn't have any perfections in life at all? I am just a woman who used to fall in love but its now falling apart.

I am just a woman who prayed for a long time to be loved by a man who would loved me for me. I admit I have flaws and mistakes before but I NEVER, EVER cheated and lied! And YES, I am generous in many ways but I don't give a ------ to waste time and not taking relationship seriously. I have learned a lot of things from this painful experience and it made me more wiser and stronger everyday. Even though I still pity myself but GRACE seems to comfort me and carry me out of this nightmare. As of this moment I am single and blessed. I assure you that I am NOT that type of woman who would actually annoy and announce everyone everyday that I am single and free (the cheapest public announcement ever that I will never understand why some woman would even post things that sounds like their selling their souls -- no offense). And speaking of annoying, I get annoyed to those who would say that 'I don't deserve to have you'. Like, what the heck? Piece of advice, if you are not that serious of what you are doing and you can't even stand on your word and you don't accept me as who I am then GET LOST! I don't freakin' need you in my life and you're just wasting my precious time.

Today, what really motivates me and keeps me moving on with my life is that how God saved me from the devils den. Truly his faithfulness and grace never fails and his love is so unconditional. They say that there is miracle in prayer and it is effective and so I change my prayer after then. Before, I prayed that someday I will 'find' a man..., today, I prayed to let the man 'find me'. It takes a lot of patience but I would choose to wait rather than to make mistakes for the second time around. Maybe he is just around somewhere looking for me.

In conclusion, I do believe that this is the root of everything. I do love my parents but I will NEVER do the same thing -- a marriage failure.