bird-that-be-free - Tumblr blog

[bird-that-be-free]

A bad dream

What started out adventuring escaping the reality

Sharing stories jokes and food in good company

As the night goes on our friends sleepily stow away

Turn my head gazed at my curved lover stretched herself for the day

The day that comes but I didn’t fully recognize her

My mind swept away but for a brief moment to find myself alone in this hideaway

As I searched for mine, my lover backed away wiping her kiss and he brushes it off calling my name and I

Back away

The betrayal I felt from those I trusted most

From moments could’ve been shared but felt needed to be hidden

From me

I step back

Unable to recognize those I loved

Betrayed

Alone in the catacombs of my surroundings and haunting of lies

Insecurities emerge I thought was buried

But to find what I’ve been told were to just get me by

But it’s

Just a bad dream. They would never.

A bad dream

#sharedlovers #betrayal #originalpoem #latenightthoughts #venting #lies #baddream #writer #thoughts #dreams #originalwriting #poetry #sharedlove #baddream

[bird-that-be-free]

I miss visiting friends for the holidays and some of my family I havent got to see recently. Even before Covid I started to feel lonelier and lonelier. I couldn’t get my place festive, or prepare a nice dinner. Did absolutely nothing for the season. I’m feeling jealous and envious and ugly towards people I love and I hate it. I had a great day. But I can’t shake this bitterness off that resonates and just gets worse everytime an event or holiday comes along and I’m reminded of everything I don’t have. Like I just want to feel apart of the lives of people who are important to me. Even if it’s a quick hello goodbye. I want to make nice memories of days that will wipe away all the sad ones.

Which is stupid cause I get giddy and stupid happy thinking how blessed I am too despite circumstances and being young and learning. I’ll probably delete this later but I’m crying and needed to write my feelings out cause that’s the way I process stuff.

Anyways. Merry Christmas.

[bird-that-be-free]

I wish I could write and say as easily what comes through my mind when I'm lost in my thoughts and imaginations. Because once I find myself there Ive already forgotten most the words that flowed so perfectly together describing exactly how I feel and see things and it's frustrating. Sometimes I'm able to catch parts of it and go from there but with it not being everything it's not the same, when your engulfed in the delusions and darkness with maybe a glimpse of light. However the story goes...

-3am thought

[bird-that-be-free]

Things are F I N E

But I’m just burnt out and I’m tired of myself

..is a way to put it I think

[bird-that-be-free]

3 years ago... things do get better

3am again and had a long thought of why I want to decide to not share how I feel to anyone anymore. A speech in a way just trailing explaining all the reasons why and for one last time lay out everything going on right now in my life and mind just so I won't have to repeat it and become a broken record since essentially it's the same things over and over and over again. I've already begun to close off to others where it's almost no one or is just myself. I'm just tired. I'm fine. But not okay. There's things I can do but don't have the energy to change. Or that's what I'm afraid of even though I need it. I know who I am, but I'm lost In an arms reach. There's so much damage I hope it can all be healed. Issues with my mother and my heart aches knowing how much she's going through too. My dad away, grandpa not doing well, living situation soon with the only home I've ever known being sold, no money and my mentality to work isnt helping cause of my anxiety/depression makes it hard and I should be in college at a job that my time won't be wasted making atleast enough money to have somewhere to go by next year and going towards what I want in life. My relationships with people whether it be a person or a few and I hate how I can't control how I feel whether it be jealousy, annoyance, sadness, just clusterfuck of emotions getting in the way even when someone hasn't necessarily done anything wrong but I still need to keep my space. And I can go on with all the stresses and things that keep me up at night because this is just a glimpse for the public, then there's the past that haunts me too and what I hate is the things I've listed that I don't want to talk about but yearn to are things that many people go through and makes me feel more weak and a failure because many of those people have or are going through what I am in some way but have found the strength to move on, challenge themselves, prove others wrong, going somewhere in their life. And here I am complaining and going no where as much as I need to just get my shit together. And as much as I already know that some people go at their own pace or things will eventually work out etc and I know generally what I need to do. I'm simply just tired. And rather sleep holding my dog where my dreams are better than my reality and continue to wish I'll wake up with the strength and hope I'll be something. Or maybe I'll just be nothing, as I've been before and will be. Anyways this has become more than what I intended, simply just writing thinking what comes to mind late at night and I'll get over it. It's a new day. I'm trying. Goodnight.

[bird-that-be-free]

I'm hanging on, afraid to fall, could you be the one to break down my walls?

[bird-that-be-free]

Keep in mind like many artists we take inspiration from moments in life and we dramatize. 

[bird-that-be-free]

Unknown tensions

This feeling im not familiar with

So quickly it overtook me I was blinded

Youre all I think about now and want to spend my time with I just want to lay with you hold You and kiss you

You're invading my dreams where my desires come out

Your smile and the way you smirk and speak with such passions

Your heart and the way you protect and stand up for those you love

Your hands and the time they held mine once with the other around my waist

Lately you've been playful with me and every touch lingers on my skin leaving me breathless and you’re the oxygen I need

The intensity of not knowing what you think and being so close but not enough

Will there be a day things change and we know the answer

Or will we wonder about each other?

The what ifs of the other

[bird-that-be-free]

I’m sorry

I Chose you but didn't fall for you.

This is new.

I chose you a friend who pursued me for so long waited for me stuck by my side

But I didnt fall for you

Time went on hoping for the moment my stomach flutters and heart smiles

It was never the same of what I had before and what im feeling now

I never chased you

I had you already with a snap of my fingers

I didnt want to live that way anymore and I think we both knew

I let you go

I stopped choosing you so someone who you deserve can

I'm sorry

[bird-that-be-free]

All i wanted

This is all i wanted all i needed what I've been craving for so long to be accepted to be admired for truly who i am I'm smiling again life is full of happiness I'm excited to see where this ends they always tell you to hang on longer for you will be surprised  theres so much more so much of this so much of bliss to be in store This is all i wanted all i needed what I've been craving for so long a friend close to home close to the heart  so quickly we became to what we really want.

[bird-that-be-free]

Clockwork

Tick tock as what we percieve as time flows by what started as days to weeks months and years the passing time i sensed your every gaze and thoughts of me. A longing so close to fill teasing what couldve been. Your hands intertwined with mine for a future i concieved only in my mind brought to life Coming home with guilt, a liar pondering over my hearts long desire. Almost like ive been going through the motions waiting for the day that everything makes sense and what ive dove into was everything I wanted but instead a viscous cycle. The arms tick ticking away over and over like it will ever change. I sensed you there watching my every move your friend told me that too. Next thing i knew our hands intwined again this time i tried to be different. I turned away Again and again words spilling out trying to avoid your hypnotic eyes locking me in before i could say stop Like clockwork My arms wrapped around you i dont think theyll ever stop a visciois cycle of waiting for what may come The reason why if any at all

[bird-that-be-free]

Ayyeee ayyeee

[bird-that-be-free]

Who knew we would end up like we did

When we first met you were just another friend

I denied any potential chance or idea of us to protect myself and the wall I have worked so hard to build

Then one night I was intocixated just as everyone in the house and our dear friend came to me and told me what you said

That you had a crush on me within the week that you've stayed and I was in shock and did not know how to take

I was still infatuated with my past lover who has been there since day one and i convinced myself so well that my wall was my inability to form feelings for someone.

But my mind knew as i sat in the passenger seat beside you listening to music singing our hearts out vibing together as we do

Before it went dark the last thing i thought

How bad I wanted to kiss you

So passionately

The beautiful soul you were and happiness you brought into my life

Next thing i knew i woke in my bed and you were lightly scratching my back

No membrence of what happened last night

I was told I grabbed your face and straddled you kissing you for an eternity

I was so embarrassed and then it struck me

The truth

This whole time ive been holding myself back

Of the love i could be receiving and deserve

You were so kind already treating me how i should be for just weeks of knowing eachother and the things we had in common

Fast forward i blew it

I dont know how

Or what to be exact

But like full circle

Intoxicated

What began and what ended

Since that night things haven't been the same

The touches have stopped

The lingering fingers of each others

The kisses and moments of passion and romance

To a brush of a body here and there

Im left confused

Hurt

Regretting what I torn down to save myself from the pain of crying myself asleep at night again

Why did i do this to myself

Havent I learned

People come and go

Dont get attached

Keep on building on those walls going on high.

[bird-that-be-free]

Trust me. One day you'll look back and feel differently. Every time I've fallen in love I've thought that and then it's turned out to be deeper than the time before. I love falling in love. It can hurt like hell when it doesn't work out and it takes time to get over but so worth it when you do. When love doesn't work out its because something wasn't right. So start imagining that the next person will have all the same good things and none of the bad things. Always upgrade and one day you'll have a love you deserve. Every time your heart aches remember its because he wasn't good for you and literally start imagining how amazing the next guy will be now that you've learned and know you deserve better. Eventually you'll start to be excited to meet him, whoever he will be.

[bird-that-be-free]

That's why we dont fit

You're trying to force our jigsaw pieces instead of just letting them

Fall where they belong

Right into place

OC Bird-that-be-free #puzzle #pieces #soulmate #eveningthoughts

[bird-that-be-free]

I spent 5 years hurting a good woman by staying with her but never fully choosing her.

I did want to be with this one. I really wanted to choose her. She was an exquisite woman, brilliant and funny and sexy and sensual. She could make my whole body laugh with her quick, dark wit and short-circuit my brain with her exotic beauty. Waking up every morning with her snuggled in my arms was my happy place. I loved her wildly.

Unfortunately, as happens with many young couples, our ignorance of how to do love well quickly created stressful challenges in our relationship. Before long, once my early morning blissful reverie gave way to the strained, immature ways of our everyday life together, I would often wonder if there was another woman out there who was easier to love, and who could love me better.

As the months passed and that thought reverberated more and more through my head, I chose her less and less. Every day, for five years, I chose her a little less.

I stayed with her. I just stopped choosing her. We both suffered.

Choosing her would have meant focusing every day on the gifts she was bringing into my life that I could be grateful for: her laughter, beauty, sensuality, playfulness, companionship, and so … much … more.

Sadly, I often found it nearly impossible to embrace – or even see – what was so wildly wonderful about her.

I was too focused on the anger, insecurities, demands, and other aspects of her strong personality that grated on me. The more I focused on her worst, the more I saw of it, and the more I mirrored it back to her by offering my own worst behavior. Naturally, this only magnified the strain on our relationship … which still made me choose her even less.

Thus did our nasty death spiral play itself out over five years.

She fought hard to make me choose her. That’s a fool’s task. You can’t make someone choose you, even when they might love you.

To be fair, she didn’t fully choose me, either. The rage-fueled invective she often hurled at me was evidence enough of that.

I realize now, however, that she was often angry because she didn’t feel safe with me. She felt me not choosing her every day, in my words and my actions, and she was afraid I would abandon her.

Actually, I did abandon her.

By not fully choosing her every day for five years, by focusing on what bothered me rather than what I adored about her, I deserted her.

Like a precious fragrant flower I brought proudly into my home but then failed to water, I left her alone in countless ways to wither in the dry hot heat of our intimate relationship.

I’ll never not choose another woman I love again.

It’s torture for everyone.

If you’re in relationship, I invite you to ask yourself this question:

“Why am I choosing my partner today?”

If you can’t find a satisfying answer, dig deeper and find one. It could be as simple as noticing that in your deepest heart’s truth, “I just do.”

If you can’t find it today, ask yourself again tomorrow. We all have disconnected days.

But if too many days go by and you just can’t connect with why you’re choosing your partner, and your relationship is rife with stress, let them go. Create the opening for another human being to show up and see them with fresh eyes and a yearning heart that will enthusiastically choose them every day.

Your loved one deserves to be enthusiastically chosen. Every day.

You do, too.

Choose wisely.

Credits to - https://bryanreeves.com/choose-her-everyday-or-leave-her

[bird-that-be-free]

"Stop sneaking your way into my poems. Stop showing up in the last lines. when we both know you never stayed to finish anything.” - Y.Z.