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i cannot wait for this semester to end and my suffering to pause. i will:

first off: totally undress all care for the semester that has passed

finally read a little life (this one i'm so hyped for)

finish a local tv series i loveeeeee

learn how to drive a motorcycle

eat a lot

try to flirt with someone who may or may not be my crush (?)

read one more book (just being a realist here...)

catch up to hunter x hunter

catch up to haikyuu!!

finally watch given the movie and the OVA!!

watch more and more BLs of course

EDIT: i want to learn muay thai!

i'm so deprived of all the things i love, and for what. something i am uncertain of doing; something i've been doing because it's convenient. i'm way, way more uncertain than i have to be about this, but in my book there is no turning back anymore. so to the last 19 days of this hell, and to all the failing marks i've received and have to catch up to before the finals give me the final judgment, bring it on. i have so much spite and rage in me that i know i can finish headstrong.

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i cant get over how it was pat that signaled the beginning of the end. it just had to be because pran could never do it. even if pran was the decision maker all the time, he would never end things with pat, as seen throughout the show. he can't let pat down because pat is all that he has who accepts him, pat who would do everything for him. so pat knew it had to be him to do it, or they'd just be in denial for god knows how long.

and when they did talk about how they both knew they had to go back, they didn't have to expressly say it, because they knew. i love how that too is an ongoing theme between them, how they dont have to say anything but understand it.

that's crazy and fucking sad.

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me after episode 5 of bad buddy

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fkjakl;fj;ajfklajf;kladngjklanf m,aengm,abngjreashngtwhaejkrfjaewjttjkaertjkl`

^me the entire GAP 4 oF BAD BUDDY 

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i've recently been hooked into Light on Me and, wow, all i'm gonna say is that i don't understand why ya'll fellow shinwoo x taekyung shippers are so scared when it's already obvious they'll end up together? like this is just episode 9, and between the little souvenir he gets for taekyung and shinwoo pining since literally episode 1, i don't see how da-on is going to get taekyung in the end. there are also the bts videos where the cast literally gives away that it's a shinwoo endgame. i love shinwoo to bits, but i just cannot bring myself to mourn for him too much—knowing that things will end up well for him. like yes we know you're suffering now but for sure you'll get a good ending. i don't know if that is how predictable the show is (surprise me or whatever). don't get me wrong, i got so addicted to the show i'll watch ep 9 for the third time later. i just don't get why so many people are so nerviys for him hahahaha.

meanwhile, i also empathize with da-on so much. he will be hurt, for sure. like shinwoo, i want him to get taekyung, too. is that too much to ask? ugh, but the very least, i know he's definitely going to get some self-growth, neither bending to anyone's wishes or his own desire to be liked. maybe that will be the fulfillment of his arc. i'm already crying for him still. polyamory is the answer half jk

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anyway i fucking bawled my eyes fuck my life....

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i've been out for so long BUT OH GOD I'M BACK BECAUSE GUESS WHAT MIMI?? LOVELY WRITER IS SO FUCKING GOOD

THE PILOT EPISODE IS FUCKING PROMISING LET ME TELL YOU

💖 THE VISUALS 💖 ARE 💖 STUNNING 💖

there is nearly NO ONE in that main cast that will not kill you with looks. but my bias is always Gene (HUHUHU i still couldn't believe he played that straight guy-rapist role in Girl From Nowhere !!!!) HE'S SO FUCKING PRETTY

and oF COURSE NINE'D VISUALS NEVER MISS. WON'T LIE AND SAY I DIDNT WATCH UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN 70% BECAUSE OF HIS FACE

THE PLOT IS GETTING SOMEWHERE AND WE KNOW IT.

what better way to critique an immensely probelmatic giant industry feeding off of our insane fetishes than to actually create a BL series designed to let us reflect on our own prejudices? my mind is kind of blown HAHAHAH but no seriously, i cannot believe it took us this long. lovely writer is also a sign of things getting better, of the nuances being spotted and contested.

all the things that would make us cringe—for instance, talking about rape-y tendencies, homonormativity, objectification, engineers (OMG IM KIDDING ON THIS LAST PART I'M SORRY MY ENGINEER)—in a usual BL series are portrayed here, but we know it's satirical, in order to frankly shed light on these issues. that means that every line is well thought out. every relevant line must be taken with a grain of salt. every viewer must be mindful of what they have been doing as well; it is now our duty to change ourselves, to change the entire community.

the plot will be a huge lesson for all its viewers. confronting the reality that we have played a huge role in the deterioration of how queer stories are told is a huge, huge step—and lovely writer will help us break the ice.

I LOVE FOLLOWING GENE'S JOURNEY.

see, i'm not going to lie: i went into the show for the good vibes, the love, the cute moments. but i did not expect to actually root for Gene as an individual, and no just part of a couple I'd ship for all kinds of reasons. within him something is brewing, and i really hope he gets to fight for what he truly wants. the show set this up in the first episode quite well, and here's to hoping they can sustain it. speaking of,

EPISODE 1 SUPERBLY SET THE PREMISE OF THE STORY

- gene fighting his way through the novel industry

- gene x nubsib

- aey and nubsib may actually be competitors or rivals??? or aey may actually like nubsib? the third actor also seems to like aey, based on how he looked at him. what's the history here? WHAT'S THE DEAL EITH THEM??? i don't know, and i'm so excited AND CANNOT WAIT to find out.

EVEN THE SIDE CHARACTERS ARE AMAZING

- Hin, god. he's so fucking adorable, i'd kill for him. if it is true that he is also an aspiring author (idk, is that what he was texting Bua about?) then i hope everything goes well for him. 😩🤘

- tum and aey's COOL MANAGER OMYGOD A STRAIGHT COUPLE IN A BL SERIES THAT I ACTUALLY ROOT FOR

THE CUTE SCENES LITERALLY PUT ME I. TEARS.

- gene looking at nubsib across the table and catches nubsib looking at him

- gene's paper flying over to nubsib and gene feeling so embarrassed 👉😩👈 (GENE'S ACTING AWKWARD IS SO GOOD, HONESTLY)

- gene looking over his shoulder after he and nubsib parted ways at the vending machine, ONLY to see nubsib still staring at him

- gene literally WENT to the ceremony, and while he did not say it, WE ALL KNOW WHY

honestly, the best part of this episode is Gene himself. not to be dramatic bit i'd 100% die for him 😭

my thoughts are a mess right now, and i'd really want to organize this post soon BUT FUCK I FEEL LIKE I'M IN A WHOLE NEW CRAZE LIKE WHAT 2GETHER DID TO ME THIS TIME LAST YEAR.

FINAL NOTE: THE OST IS SO CATCHY

EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS EPISODE IS SO CUTE, I CANNOT WAIT FOR THE NEXT ONE. ~ NA NA NA KISS ME TOO ~

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taking back our story.

How does one put it without sounding like a cliché? The story just hits too close to home. I guess I’m also in a daze from how, like me, so many people have been touched by this groundbreaking show - from friends to strangers online, to those both quiet and loud with their loves, we are all the same. The finale itself is but a straightforward ending, one that we had probably seen coming, despite our blind hopes. Perhaps, it may have left some of us wanting for more, yet it does not put the dot on a sad note, but a hopeful one: a promise of a better tomorrow as we round up courage, save up strength, bide our time, wait for that perfect moment.  

I have to concede to my friend’s observation: Gaya sa Pelikula is a story just like any other, only that it was masterfully told. It is in its crafting where its magic appears: through its nitty-gritty, the story becomes much more vivid, told through a lens we were not accustomed to.

On the other hand, Gaya sa Pelikula did so much more. It felt like a warm embrace; a long-sought refuge from the turbulent reality that had spelled our lives. To tell the truth, I never realized how tired I was, before having watched this. For far too long I had been exhausted: from having to feel alone, unable to speak out my thoughts, accommodating other people’s preferences, falling into others’ expectations, feeling like I had been silenced even if I’m already the loudest person in the room. Then there are some more: the relentless fight for change, the everyday struggle of explaining my entire existence to others, even when I myself struggle to figure that out; the little things to those who wouldn’t listen; the regret for the times I could have done something, said something, prevented something; the times I forced myself to live in the moment when I know, at the back of my head, that tomorrow would be twice as hard. 

The thing is, I know for certain that this is not a unique feeling, and what I felt from the show is the same as what other had felt. What Gaya sa Pelikula teaches is more than a story. It tells a lesson, like a dear friend with warm coffee on one hand and the other outstretched within my reach: It’s okay to be scared. It’s okay to be tired. It’s okay. 

See, these are things that I know all too well, and have already been preaching to other people like a broken record. And yet, just like any other gay or lesbian or bisexual or pansexual or any other member of our community, even I still needed to hear it. Even the bravest ones who had long come out needed to hear it in the same way as those who have yet to do so. Every day, it is something we crave: that confirmation, that simple gesture of solidarity that links us together, that promise that things will change. Not soon - it doesn’t have to be rushed - but perhaps, one day, our once-alternate endings will turn into the canon of our lives. 

Have we not at one point wished for things to have turned out differently, too? In the finale, Karl had invented this alternate ending where things are okay, and where he is the effortless protagonist, and where no one is bad - or someday soon maybe there will be bad people but he will trample on them just the same - and things are perfectly in place. The smiles, the pictures, the hugs, they won’t have to be hidden in this alternate ending. Someday we won’t have to fear our own shadows anymore. Someday we can step out into the light, finally, in all our bare glory, and we won’t have to return in the dark, dingy corners of our own closets. One day we will find ourselves sitting on a couch, watching the film of our lives roll, and in it we will have been happy and content. 

But that is a future we have to create for ourselves. And until that day comes? Well, we can just find comfort in each other, can’t we? 

Gaya sa Pelikula does not free us of responsibility, either. It guarantees solidarity, but it also counts on us to be brave - not just for ourselves, but for others. Just as one person will encourage us to be true to ourselves, we must pay it forward and create a safe haven for those in the same predicament. It is from this tireless effort that we can create a community that no plot antagonist can ever hope to dismantle. 

For his part, Karl, with Vlad’s help, has begun his journey. The truly remarkable moments for me were when he admitted to Tito Santi, to Vlad, but most of all, to himself, that he is gay.

From here on, Karl can always, always come back to rest, to stop and just let the world revolve without him, leave things be for a while. But in time, he will have to step out again. 

If nothing else, the note at the end credits does not mince words: Nasa labas ang tunay na laban. Sasalubungin ka namin ‘pag handa ka na. The real fight is on the outside. We will welcome you when you’re ready. 

There is a storm inside me that I cannot quell just yet. And I hope, for everyone who’s reading this, dear reader, that Gaya sa Pelikula has brewed a storm inside you as well. Tears will flow in the meantime, but we have a whole lifetime to fight. We may feel paralyzed at the moment, taken aback by the sheer gravity of it all, but we will stand and face these struggles anew, just as those before us had done, and those after us will. It is our duty to be part of this struggle. For members of the LGBTQ+ community, for allies, for those who, like Karl, are only discovering themselves and are from time to time stumbling, Gaya sa Pelikula is for us. We will take back our story, yes. But more than that, we will create new stories, one that we can call entirely our own. 

The actors, creators, production crew, and the people who had given the green light on this show should be proud. They not only created a series; they created an impetus for the industry to follow suit, and served as a reminder for anyone who watches, that we are not alone.

On a personal note, I am late to the party, but I’m so glad I got to tell my thoughts and feelings on this platform. This has truly been cathartic. Thank you to everyone who has shared their own stories and feelings below each post. We may seem few and far between, but the world stands with us. I believe it.

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When I think of something and I don’t want to say it, I take it out by writing it in Chinese characters.

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coming out, like in the movies.

There are far too many reasons, wide-ranging and on varied degrees, for why coming out is That One Thing all queer people share in suffering. Yet, in the end, all of these boil down to that one overarching fear: that society will reject us. 

Those who soften the blows of this reality will hold our hands, like Anna does (I love her so much, I fucking do), or will offer a safe space and let us cry it all out, like Ate Judit does. Others simply know and will let us come out of our own accord, like Tito Santi does. 

These are warm instances of comfort, but ultimately they are mere consolations to help us come to terms with our mad realization that we had been ‘different’ all along. That we were unnatural. Sinful. A fraud. A phase. An illness. A mistake. An abomination. A wrong. The elements of horror that society has instilled upon us cast a looming shadow, that which would follow us even as we try our damned hardest to step out into the light. The truly laudable thing about Gaya sa Pelikula is how the show willingly offers an opportunity for introspection, a clearance for one to delve into the trajectory of their own stories.

I myself have never come out. Imagine that. A hundred gay-themed movies, one massive crush on Chris Evans, and a desire to be TayNew’s personal bodyguard later, and I still have not said the word out loud. I know because I keep track. My friends know I like boys, and I have never hidden it to those that truly matter, but the reality is that I have never admitted it either. For good measure, I would often create buffers, perhaps in an attempt to make things more palatable: I talk about boys, in all their chiseled glory, but from time to time I make sure to let someone hear, whoever has an ear, that I too had been in love with a girl ‘back then, when I was a teen, back in high school, I guess’ - which is true anyway. I will not discount that experience. But then here comes the shameful part: ‘So maybe I’m not totally gay,’ I would rationalize. ‘And why not? I could very well be bisexual.’ Or perhaps fluid. Or perhaps I was simply too afraid of a label.

Back then, I had probably already guessed this One Thing about myself, but perhaps as a defense mechanism, I had subconsciously ignored it. To friends now, my official story is that I had been in love with a girl - had expressed so myself and had written things about her and had bought her gifts - but then, eventually realized that I was also capable of liking a boy. This narrative is only partly true. What I leave out is the very real possibility that liking a girl could have very well only been part of this overall journey, one that had just been all too complex to understand for my nascent, horrified self. I was only what, 15, when I was first confronted with the reality that loving a boy was possible. 

(One day I had found myself walking with a boy and realized butterflies had been swarming in my stomach. One day I was much too filled with a desire to message him that maybe things were feeling different. One day my mom caught me with that very message, saved as a draft on the phone, and my desperation may have betrayed my concocted excuse that it was just a joke, mommy, really. Didn’t matter what I said; it was what she said that had stuck with me anyway: In tones of pleas, she said, son, please, don’t. One day my mother and I agreed never to talk about it, but I knew better. There was no joke about all this: not what I felt for that one boy, but what I felt within myself. And a more brutal reality: That there was no way in hell my mother would ever except my truth.) 

I had no one to help me understand. Things did not look the way they were over half a decade ago. Liking a boy seemed so wrong. 

Which is why, I know exactly what Karl felt. Vlad had asked him, “Ano ka (What are you)?” and immediately told Karl that he should not be scared of the word. But the truth is, gay is a scary word. As much as we hate to admit it, being gay means being shunned, facing the worst of the world without any armor. It feels as though walking bare naked, unsheltered, with simple questions otherwise borne out of genuine concern feeling like sharp daggers thrown from all directions. 

Things like these, one does not really get used to. They’re not ones that are suddenly okay, just because another person professes that they accept us. The bravest souls in the community will attest that they, too, fight to have the courage every single day. I recall the coming out video of Dan Howell, who had so perfectly articulated why the word ‘gay’ feels so uncomfortable. To me, ironically, the word seems like a label that, once uttered, would permanently seal me in a box, devoid of any guarantee of an out. What if things changed and I suddenly found myself liking a girl (though I doubt that anymore)? The answer to this is one I already know: that only I hold this decision. Would society then, as I have been so predisposed to believe, think that I had lied, that I had failed to be honest? Even when the honest truth of it all is that doubt and fear are two sides of one coin? To my mind, the word ‘gay’ already seems like a conclusion, and henceforth any acts that I do, the word would hinge itself. What if there’s no eject button? That is the truly horrifying thing.

This is an experience all too common, which is why it resonated with every viewer. Similarly, the experience comes with more aggravating instances: Throughout the whole episode, there was the atmosphere of great unrest, which we all know had been a directorial intention. From the cold open, we are shown a slow motion that signifies how overly conscious Karl was to everything; we are shown the way Karl’s voice had been muted when he was trying to talk to Tito Santi; we are shown just how problems are kept hidden and in secret, as when Ate Judit and Tito Santi were talking over them and Karl just being quiet, silenced, until it was he who had been put on the hot seat, ever so suddenly. 

These people who are supposed to be allies have talked over Karl, drowning out his voice. Only at their own signal did they let Karl talk, and by then, it was to answer the question Karl had dreaded all along. We know they want the best for the boys, but this is important to note just the same: No one must be forced out of the closet. It will only harbor more pains. As expected, this unsettling atmosphere has paved the way for the confrontation we had long known was coming. 

The heartbreaking part is that Vlad understands, so much so that he has been patient. Karl needs to find his own self, just like Vlad did. Just like everyone does. The montage of their own perfect life, lived in a large box that is their apartment, was but a sweet escape, and Vlad knows that. This was their shelter from harm. But a time must come when this has to end and they must come out. What has happened there so far - the dance, the hugs, the kisses, and all the memories - it was all real, but it was also hidden. And if one of you denies it happened, how would you trust your own truth? Vlad had taken the lead, because he had the pass to come in and out of this large box, sharing this precious space with Karl. Yet, it was understandable that Vlad had also been itching to help Karl come out on his own. To Karl, that is the most terrifying thing. When he said, we’re okay, Vlad, okay? he was desperately looking for normalcy, to abort this mission and go back and just - just stop. 

Vlad has been through that, and was all over it. No longer.

Neither of them is to blame. On one hand, you own your truth; and on the other, you can never force one to live a lie and go back into the closet, just so that they may be at your own pace. 

The bold truth about Gaya sa Pelikula’s penultimate episode is this: Neither Karl nor Vlad is wrong. It is they who have been wronged. By a society that has forced each one of us to hide, to man up, to woman up, to believe that the only way of seeing people was on the basis of what's between their legs and not what 's inside their heads. And Ate Judit, Anna, or Tito Santi may try their best, but they can do no more than to assuage the horror that comes with living your own truth.

I cannot stress enough how important shows like Gaya sa Pelikula are. For those who are only in the first laps of this journey of coming out, it can be their console. To me, this is a way of understanding why things came out the way they were. To others, this is a welcome respite. An embrace.

This is the magnificence of Juan Miguel Severo’s love letter to the LGBTQI+ community. This was just masterfully done. I find comfort in Vlad’s own love letter to Karl. I’ll bid goodbye for now, go into a corner of this box, and mull over the choices I've made thus far. (Reader, to be honest: I’m now writing this in my dormitory, in my own box I suppose. For the past six episodes I had been watching the show at home, but now I had to stay in the dorms. I guess, this was fate, too, to help me process my own feelings, alone.) Anyway, for those who have not seen it:

God, I am just overwhelmed with emotions. Just gonna cry now.

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In light of Gaya sa Pelikula EP07, my immediate desire is to tell anyone who may chance upon this and need to know. To reiterate what the show has just shown us:

You are valid, and so are your fears. It is okay to bide your own time. Even when the world rushes you, forces you, the choice must remain yours. The fight has only begun.

It will take time to heal, and at times the wounds are far too deep. But you will lick your own wounds, and that shall be your victory.

I cannot emphasize enough just how important shows like Gaya sa Pelikula are. I would like to talk about eoisode 7 more in another post. But I just need to let this out.

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Hello 👋. I wonder am i the only who think about i told sunset about you , i am tracking the tag "itsay" every hour in order to see some info, new post. This show obsess me so much... it's crazy, i'm crazy Do you have any cure please lol?

Lolllllllll I'm obsessed about it too, I love it so much and unfortunately I don't have a cure 😂 can't wait for the next ep 😭

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I remember seeing them perform this live on my campus.. My jaw dropped within 10 seconds.

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to dance is to unshackle

um, okay—how else do i express this buoyant happiness that Gaya sa Pelikula has awoken inside me? i’m in complete and utter awe. i did not expect a drop of what the sixth episode has brought us. more than satisfying, it’s utterly fascinating. this is quite a lengthy post, but if you have the time, please bear with me. and since we’re already here, let’s fucking dissect the shit out of this:

right off the bat, it’s sweet how consistently written Vlad was the entire time of the show. at the start of the episode, for one, he was concerned with Karl’s disposition, saying, “anong iniisip mo (what are you thinking)?” and, later on, as we know, he pops that question again in this episode. what are you thinking? always in limbo. true, it’s considerate, yet more than that, it’s always a sign of waiting for permission. Vlad has been like this since the beginning: observant and willing to reach out, confident on the surface, yes, but always afraid of going overboard. 

that is not to say that Karl isn’t. in fact, the whole dynamics of their relationship rest on the fact that they can lean on each other and just be honest. many moments show this: Karl’s desire to shift; Vlad not getting  into the film lab and Karl knowing something was up; the entirety of Vlad’s birthday; Karl and Vlad’s reticence to open up to Anna, in contrast with how comfortable they feel with each other. in a nutshell, they’re each other’s homes. more on this later.

the part i was most frightened at with this episode was when Karl finally told his parents his desire to shift. to be honest, personally, i wouldn’t know exactly how that pressure on Karl feels, as i was able to study the degree i wanted. yet, back then, i had already known that my parents, who wholly supported me just the same, would have wanted a degree that leaned on science or engineering. that still sucked to know. Karl’s situation is much more complicated. his desire to shift to another course is to make up for lost time, a sense of hurrying before it really becomes all too late. this was a heavy lot to take in. the disappointment and anger in his father’s face when he dropped the bomb was too much to handle. Karl had expected it, yet its impact still hurled shrapnel that he was not able to dodge, sustaining him with several wounds. it would be curious to see how his parents come to terms with his confession. i am certain that a number of people have connected with Karl here.

which brings me to another point. Gaya sa Pelikula creates these characters with their own agency. it’s touted as a BL series, yes, but our two main characters’ point is actually not to fall in love — but to live, part of which is to fall in love. they have their hopes and dreams and own burdens to carry, and while falling in love takes centerstage here, we see how they can stand alone, on their own two feet. falling in love is central to their growth, but it is evident that love is not the whole point of their existence. 

speaking of which: ate judit. ah, yes, where do i even begin to explain the exquisiteness with which ate judit was written? how, after all of five episodes, it was only now did it make sense why judit was overly, unnaturally caring and protective, a mama bear that would not let anything happen to his little Vlad. now we know why: guilt.  

imagine that. being told you were the reason why your whole family went into shambles. there is much vindication in Vlad’s line of questioning, “why would you say that to a child?” (god, i’m tearing up even as i write this.) this was a pivotal scene, with a focal point on judit, the likes of whom we cannot entirely fault for not knowing any better. the fact remains that we are still in an era that fails to understand the spectrum of gender identities and the far utopia that we seek, where gender and sex would not be a damning classification anymore. and for true allies, it is in admitting that they “didn’t know then what [they] know now” that their support gains more strength. it is in confessing where they got wrong, how harmful their actions were, and in the commitment to do more, that their promise is made good.

parenthetically, can we talk about Vlad’s mom as well? have you all noticed how her voice broke when she said, “siguraduhin mong hindi ka na itatanggi niyan, ha (just make sure he won’t deny you, okay)?” was that pain, or guilt even? i wonder if we’re ever going to see her. it would be a regret not to. for so long Vlad had thought that he was the reason his father left, and that his mother was mad at his queerness. i wouldn’t want this simple call to be the resolution that the show had for him. at any rate, we have two more episodes to await, so i am not going to strike my gavel on this judgment just yet.

but whereas Vlad found his longtime coming reconciliation with his sister, Karl had no one to turn to. his call to Vlad was a cry for help. it was heartbreaking to see him like this. Karl had always put up a fake smile against any adversity that had come his way. to him, these were trivial matters that would pass, and they did so — until now. after all he was, as we would later come to know, living a script that had been prewritten before he even came to being. that explains his nonchalant demeanor toward life, the seeming discontent behind those dead eyes, and a repeated hinting that he was always yearning for so much more. at the end of the call, Karl instinctively goes to the closet - and his proverbial closet - and sees the skeletons he had hidden inside, drop in a mess. 

that it was Karl’s brother who was in the photo shook me. that past was so well thought out. things made so much sense in this episode: why Karl tried to fit in, why everything seemed so fake. why he was so discomforting to watch, even! that made sense now.  

and what do you do when everything has become a mess? the once seamless film that had been rolling without any glitches now sprawled on the floor, entangled in a hodgepodge well beyond fixing. when that happens, what do you do? well, you dance.

i have so many things to say about faux masculinity. it is a fact undisputed that in this society, gender roles are still very much pillars that we have yet to dismantle. our genders have been geared toward performativity, and our consolation is the external validation we receive through the acts of fitting in. in the process, we lose sight of what we really want. we blur the lines between what is and what should be, in favor of what society has demanded upon us. Karl took that role and lived by it religiously. yet, those things has gone haywire in this episode. more than his parents, it was to himself that Karl has finally admitted that the act can be dropped now: the fixed posture, those rehearsed lines, that painfully faux masculinity, on guard all the fucking time. all of those things were dropped.

that is not to say that Karl was faking all of it. there is no denying that Karl has been a masculine person most of the time. but the show portrayed before us a discarded femininity that Karl had been trying to bury deep inside him — one that all people who have been and who are still in the closet know by heart. the thing is, all of us have masculine and feminine sides, the expression of which vary at different levels in different situations. sadly, we have been preconditioned to believe that male persons must be masculine, and female persons must be feminine. Gaya sa Pelikula acknowledges this hegemony, and then throws it away all the same. true, Karl may very well be comfortable in his masculine expression, but his femininity must also be allowed to grow. one cannot be complete without embracing the entirety of who they are. many have died — been killed — for simply living who they are. society has long been a vicious environment. but people have also long fought for their fundamental right to perform these things, and through them, we know that things can change. that things are changing.

it is against this context that imprints more meaning, more gravity to when we finally, finally see Karl dance. in every sense, his dance was the show’s climax for me. it is, quite emphatically, freedom incarnate.

when i say i fucking bawled at this scene, you best believe it.

quite important to note: when Karl sees Vlad, he stopped abruptly, only for Vlad to signal to him, in an OK sign, that what he was doing was perfectly fine. that Karl could be effeminate all he wants, and who the hell in this earth should care? this allowance has given Karl all the needed validation he will ever need, at least, for that one night where they could bare it all. it was only the two of them, but the house has never been more crowded, because their feelings have seemingly exploded and have been overflowing in a glorious climax for all of us to witness. in this scene, Karl has unshackled the chains with which he had been bound all that time, and it was Vlad who helped him finally break the last of those chains. in this moment, there was only pure bliss.

(that the song playing here was Ride Home by ben&ben is the perfect giveaway. for non-Filipino readers who have only listened to ben&ben now, check this band out. it’s one of the best bands to have ever come out of the Philippine music industry.)

and, of course, in this waterfall of emotions, it is only perfect to time the moment of their first kiss. they have accepted each other, haven’t they? in a meaningful act (the gravity of which we will only realize in full later when Vlad tells the story of his dad), Karl rumpled Vlad’s hair, but only after Vlad had already consented to it. then, afterward, it was Vlad’s turn to ask, what are you thinking? to which Karl had this—and i know we all expected it, nevertheless—to say: i don’t want to think anymore. then they kissed.

i swear to god. i only watched this for the 92432475781 time.

the denouement was so well put, too: now everything is put back into its own place. Karl’s brother. his death. his parents’ expectations. the substitution. Vlad’s father. his parents’ expectations. the horror of realizing one’s difference. the abandonment. in these stories, it becomes more and more permissible to believe that Karl and Vlad have easily found comfort in each other. to say that they are soulmates (as the creator, juan miguel severo, told on his twitter) is not an exaggeration.

and, make no mistake: Karl and Vlad did not find each other’s embraces out of pity. no. it would be unduly harsh to view them that way. rather, they found solace in each other’s embrace and warmth, but it is still they who will muster the courage to face their own demons. the only difference is, they now have each other to find some sort of release. they are not destructively dependent on each other; instead, they help each other grow into the versions of themselves that they can be proud of.

finally, a couple of small things: look at the way Karl was inviting Vlad to lie in bed with him. that simple gesture harks us back to the early days of their dynamics: Vlad had expressed that it was okay to share a bed, but Karl was adamant that they do not. Karl had once dreamed of Vlad joining him there, and that scared him shitless. in contrast to that, now we have this: Karl himself inviting Vlad, and Vlad accepting for Karl’s wholehearted invitation. the moment this happened, there was a consummation of the expression of their love. if they had their doubts prior to this, those could not have been more obliterated now. 

needless to say, i fucking, fucking loved this. as one who has only ever written three fanfics (2gether and History 2!), all of which seemingly related to sleeping (what the fuck, do i have a sleep fetish or something), this ending to episode 6 is just the cherry on top. 

their lines by the end particularly strike me. here we have Karl who wishes to create his own stories. on the other hand is Vlad who wishes that he be in charge of the endings, too. how do they do that? who knows? but the certainty that defines their pact is that they shall do it together, unbound and free to dance to the song they have chosen of their own accord. and that simple promise, made in each other’s tight embrace under artificially warm lights amid that early january weather, with no certainty at all of what tomorrow has to bring, has made all the difference. 

in 34 minutes, Gaya sa Pelikula has, yet again, done more than we could have ever expected.

i just checked and this reached 2k words. i’m not even gonna attempt to proofread this anymore. anyway, this is all i have to say for now. i just simply cannot let go of the best episode i’ve seen in this show without expressing my own reaction to it. 

(also: i’m thinking of writing a fanfic; that is, the morning after. just a one-shot, hopefully a cute one. as usual, an introspection of these characters, and what lies ahead. hope i actually get to write it!)

thank you so much, Gaya sa Pelikula. you are proof that things do change.

[bl-garbage]

OK THOSE WERE THE BEST 34 MINUTES OF MY YEAR

CAN’T SPEAK, HAVE TO REVIEW FIRST, have tO CRY FIRST. full expression of feelings later ---- OK I'VE WRITTEN IT. HERE

[bl-garbage]

before i forget, i just. i love Kipo. i would have wanted more to her story, but it ended in the right place, at the right time. i’ll miss this family.