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May 04, 2020

I found the perfect opportunity to discuss my spiritual life with an active Christian missionary who happens to be my friend. I’m talking about Gloreen, a friend from my university years so that goes as far back as 2014. She currently serves her Christian mission in Cambodia.

It was a simple exchange at first. I thanked her for greeting me on my birthday and then we started talking about the people that we are dating— typical small talk between friends who havent seen each other in years. I shared that I’ve been committed for about a year with a guy, while she shared about hers too. Hers was conventional, mine wasn’t. She knew who I am since we met so that didn’t come as a shock to her, but what struck me is when she said that she was happy for me. It was genuine, I felt it. Things took a turn when I told her, “I’m glad you’re open to this..”, almost as if it’s a question waiting for a confirmation. She said she keeps an open mind and is actually saddened by the fact that there are existing churches that don’t fully “accept” people like us. That’s my cue. I told her I wanted to be enlightened. I premised our little well-meaning discussion by telling her how I like being part of a Christian community because I feel like I surround myself with good people all the time, and I reflect when I hear God’s words. Albeit, I’m not naive to the harsh realities that we face. While I enjoy being part of a community that welcomes me, I am also perpetually conflicted that there is no real acceptance for the likes of us. Do I really have to change my ways to be accepted? I got to a point where I questioned everything. She then asked me if I am predisposed to the idea of not being good because of my sexual orientation. That never crossed mind nor do I believe that there is some truth in that so I gave her an honest answer. Sure I have sinned in the past but it’s not essentially because of my sexual orientation. There is no such thing. My relationship just as much as everyone else’s makes me a better person, not the other way around. We’re free to make choices in life but I’d like to think that we are more inclined to do good than bad regardless of any labels.

She wished I find more people to listen to me regarding spiritual matters and to do more self reflections. I agreed, that’s one of the things I need to do more since I haven’t put so much thought into it. She ended it with a comforting message and I hope it resonates with you: “God loves you that much, Jov.”

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Will you be my constant through it all? 🎶

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I either eat too much or starve myself. Sleep for 14 hours or have insomniac nights. Fall in love very hard or hate passionately. I don’t know what grey is. I never did.

(via hank-schrader)

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Oh shut up. Every time it rains, it stops raining. Every time you hurt, you heal. After darkness, there is always light and you get reminded of this every morning but still you choose to believe that the night will last forever. Nothing lasts forever. Not the good or the bad. So you might as well smile while you’re here.

I Wrote This For You (via halcynth)

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We’ll squeeze every second that we can from our lives, because we’re young, and we have plenty of years to grow. We’ll grow until we’re braver. We’ll grow until our bones ache and our skin wrinkles and our hair goes white, and until our hearts decide, at last, that it’s time to stop.

Sever by Lauren DeStefano (via lostinthesounds)

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“... A song can take you back instantly to a moment, a place, or even a person. No matter what else has changed in you or the world, that one song stays the same, just like that moment.”

Sarah Dessen, Just Listen

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“Memory is a funny thing. When I was in the scene, I hardly paid it any attention. I never stopped to think of it as something that would make a lasting impression.."

Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood

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“I was always hungry for love. Just once, I wanted to know what it was like to get my fill of it -- to be fed so much love I couldn't take any more. Just once.”

Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood

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I think one of the best feelings in the world is when someone remembers something you said. Whether it was something from yesterday, a week ago, a month ago. It’s just like, “Wow, you actually listen to me.”

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“What aspects of writing do you enjoy the most?”

Sitting still for hours isn’t fun. Looking out a window on a beautiful day isn’t fun. Typing for hours isn’t fun. Listening to music that’s stimulating ,yet not distracting, isn’t fun. Fact, grammar checking, checking aren’t fun. The only part that’s fun is completion. Of course the hard work is its own reward, but even sometimes the process of getting something that’s weighing on your soul out and down aren’t enough.

It’s always for the recognition. Writing your stories deserve a little more than just the acknowledgement of the ink and paper that you used—or the keyboard and monitor. Writing isn’t like other forms of art, like painting. You can take two seconds and look at a painting. But if you want to read someone’s work, you have to really invest yourself to read that. It’s time consuming, you have to agree to give me your attention and recognition.

Writers, or the ones I know, are lonely people, myself included. They’ve been through the best and the worst of life—how else do you think they’d come up with amazing works? It happens when you spend the majority of your time alone reading and typing. So when you complete something that you like and others like it, it’s really nice to be the center of attention, even if it’s for a brief period of time. You sit up, take a breath, smile at yourself and put your head down and keep typing.