blearyeyedtakeonlofirnb - Tumblr blog

[blearyeyedtakeonlofirnb]

Getting somewhere

I feel like this is taking a right direction but it requires so much time and attention to detail and I’m not sure whether my silly little brain would be able to handle that

now that I think more about it, it doesn’t require that much time it’s a completely normal amount of time probably should get that diagnosis asap

[blearyeyedtakeonlofirnb]

A thing I worked on yesterday while at work

I’m starting to notice small patterns that might eventually become a style I hope

also I will stop marking days as all it does is make me feel bad for skipping a day or two and then it’s just harder to get back to it

reference image from

https://www.tiktok.com/@lilb1tchbigworld/video/6914406493202697478?lang=en&is_copy_url=0&is_from_webapp=v1&sender_device=pc&sender_web_id=6859661162130048517

[blearyeyedtakeonlofirnb]

whatever something that might have some potential but I’m tired

[blearyeyedtakeonlofirnb]

Day 6

The heaters at work weren’t working properly the past few months because the heating system is off in the whole building because of quarantine, and they only fixed it a few days ago so when I came in today I freaked out. You leave home with five layers because it’s so cold outside but once you’re here all those layers become unbearable. Therefore shorts and a huge sweater and scarf in today’s sketch

I feel a little more comfortable with what I’m doing now. Colors seem to work a little better and I didn’t struggle with the outline as much as I used to

It was ridiculously hard to wake up on time and I’m craving a cigarette more than I usually do

[blearyeyedtakeonlofirnb]

I’m trying again?

Day 5

I miss S today more than I did recently, so I found a small semi portrait to do I haven’t done a proper life drawing in a while and I really want to get back to doing those more often but that’s one more thing that covid is taking away from me

I’ll try to keep this as more of a journal instead of a rough portfolio, maybe that’ll keep me on track more and I won’t drop this after 4 days again Also, I sort of want to keep track of my moods and see whether I’m getting better or not, because every other way seems to not work, ever

TW for suicide

I keep thinking about how I subconsciously can’t recognize my love for someone as just that, and the feeling itself comes with a lot of discomfort, most of the time. I’ve convinced myself that there’s something inherently wrong about me, that I’m not really how a person should be.

I sometimes think about how when I was moving last year, all I truly wanted was for my parents to wish me luck, to be excited for me and to show that they cared, and while I did get their financial support through parts of it, I never got any reassurance that what I was doing was ok, that it was the right thing to do. I keep thinking that they cared, they just didn’t express it, either didn’t want to or didn’t know how. But it’s wrong to always assume the best, what I needed then was care, a true one, not assumed.

Why couldn’t they love me the way I needed them to? And, most importantly, why does it hurt me so much?

I’m scared now, I’m always scared of not loving someone the way they need to be loved, of not loving enough, of not knowing if I’m doing something wrong, of not knowing when to stop or to start, I’m so scared of being right that there’s something inherently wrong, and that I won’t have the will to live to see whether that could be fixed.

really tired of all this

[blearyeyedtakeonlofirnb]

I didn't find enough time to draw yesterday and today was slow at work so I spent a few hours trying to do some traced animations but nothing worked as well as I wanted so I ended up going to bed as soon as I got home. Also not feeling too well today.

I really want to start therapy again but I also want a professional in queer identities and I don't think I would be able to find an affordable option here, if there even is one

Here's Felicia Chiao's 'Afternoon Tea'

I love their work so much

Found it on Instagram once and once I have enough saved I'll buy a larger print

Also, I've been really enjoying the 'day in the life' type videos on tiktok, compilations of short clips of someone letting you follow them through their day. These make me feel a little less alone?

[blearyeyedtakeonlofirnb]

Day 4

got a little inspired by S tailoring my jeans and a sticker on his desk

also felt a little too tired for watercolour so picked up the marker setting, then got bored and just added a darker background

had to stop myself from going too strict with linear work and tried to mainly follow the first rough lines I made which definitely seems like a right direction to take so now the next step is the one I enjoy the least - colouring. it feels like too much work but what doesn’t

[blearyeyedtakeonlofirnb]

from back in high school pt3

last one for now

[blearyeyedtakeonlofirnb]

from back in high school pt2

[blearyeyedtakeonlofirnb]

Things from back in art school pt1

[blearyeyedtakeonlofirnb]

A very unpleasant visual vomit sort of thing from a few months ago when I just picked up digital drawing

I do like some details in these but in general it’s just not my thing at all

[blearyeyedtakeonlofirnb]

today’s no good

day 3

[blearyeyedtakeonlofirnb]

ok I did a little experiment

watercolour works pretty ok for me, I do want to fix some things I separated everything into layers and decreased the colour layer opacity quite a bit because I like it see through so now I just have to figure out how to do it without the opacity setting still need to work on colour in general but yes, watercolour is great I really really like the visible lines so I’ll do a few experiments with how visible they should be for the best effect

almost convinced that I should purchase rebelle, I absolutely love how similar the experience is to actual non digital work I would also like to get back into oil painting and the 4th version has it but I’m a bit scared it won’t be good enough as my expectations are soooo high

[blearyeyedtakeonlofirnb]

I’ve always liked my rough sketches better but I can’t seem to find a way of colouring that would suit so I move straight to simple linear work and it loses all the emotion immediately I guess I’ll work on this tomorrow

not drawing for two years definitely ruined everything for me I have to get back on track although I do feel a bit more free now? I notice that I don’t see some proportions well enough or colours don’t work as well for me as they used to, but I end up embracing that and sort of liking the end product?

[blearyeyedtakeonlofirnb]

A little tired and absolutely unmotivated, I’m afraid that this has no direction and is going nowhere

Day 2

[blearyeyedtakeonlofirnb]

charlotte

Day 1? of taking a new step, pushing from what’s not ok anymore, instead of holding onto it I’ve noticed a pattern of constantly driving myself worse and worse in order to feel safe but it really isn’t

I think this is it?

[blearyeyedtakeonlofirnb]

It used to be a big step for me, and it still is, but I keep thinking that me not shaving my legs or not doing my makeup and feeling myself anyway would empower someone else and fuck that it’s the chance that I’m willing to take

every time I think I should wear makeup because I'm looking pale or tired or should shave because I'm wearing shorts i remember that one Tumblr post that said "women really cant just Be huh" and it stops me right there