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[everythingseasoning]

Who’s afraid of little old me

Song of me, growing up in an abusive household

I was just a kid, why were you afraid of little old me? (My own lyrics added in)

read the tags if you want

[everythingseasoning]

TW: loss of pet.

My baby black kitten died of fading kitten syndrome. She had congenital abnormalities (defects she was born with) like an enlarged kidney (which was very concerning), and extreme anemia aka low red blood cell count (her gums were all white), probably due to the Feline Leukemia she had tested positive for. She was the runt.

She was eating and licking small chunks of wet food off of her lips just the other day. She was play fighting with her siblings just the other day (granted she always was the least active because of the doomed cards she’d been dealt). But despite all her efforts to try and become healthy, in the last 24 hours, she faded.

I gave her the best possible life. Her attempted treatment lasted 12 hours before we made the decision to euthanize her, as she wasn’t responding to treatment and the leukemia was fatal. It consisted of an oxygen chamber, dextrose (sugar for her anemia), tube feedings, bloodwork, X-rays, disease tests. Those 12 hours costed me $2,500 USD. I used my life savings. I wanted her to live so badly. I wanted her to be a grown, healthy and recovered black cat who sat by the window and soaked in the gentle sunlight. I wanted to hold her and have more moments of her falling asleep in my arms— the night before her decline she was fine and had been laying on my arm, swaddled by my hoodie, her tiny 0.87 ibs / ~370 gram body cozy and warm, and she fell asleep before I started watching Survivor. I remember soaking that moment in, the yellow light of the living room. The quiet of the navy night beyond the curtains. A moment of pure coziness and sleepiness. A moment made only by two.

She was always sick and tired but didn’t show her pain. I blamed myself for her rapid decline, but the doctors all said she stayed alive as long as she could because of me (we took in a litter of kittens from outdoors last week, and it’s been so rainy, the wooden blanks under which they rested were all soaked through).

I’m grateful for every moment, my baby. Every nom of food. The way you walked up to me and meowed for food after just one day knowing me. You were starving and trusted me. The way you stared at me and jumped up, put your paws up on the oxygen chamber’s clear walls as they took you away to do treatment— you tried to go to me. I loved you and I love you forever. It was so unfair. It is so unfair. You should be alive now. I know how hard you fought to survive, to grow big and healthy. Your siblings were always so much heavier than you, alive and playing around with each other right now, though you are dead and cold and limp and decaying.

But you’re no longer in pain. You’re not going to suffocate to death. I found you in time and put you through treatment so that you could be warm and fed and given the oxygen you needed to fill your failing body— I found you in time to give you a comfortable death. You should be alive right now, you should’ve been born healthy. But you aren’t alive. But you also aren’t in pain. I did everything I could do and I am so sorry. I will take care of your siblings for you. Through the intense grief. Through it all. I love you forever, my blessing. My little kitten. 🖤

[everythingseasoning]

I am getting attached to the kitties 😵‍💫 Gurei and Megumi especially, and even Potato who I wasn’t initially naturally super fond of. it’s so beautiful how knowing somebody or something => you truly can love it. You feel so much love for it.

I often wonder, if I was given the time and space to love somebody or something I don’t have in my life, how different would things be? It would be so beautiful, wouldn’t it?

BUT SAY IT WITH ME: THIS WITH NOT BE A FOSTER FAIL! THIS CANNOT BE A FOSTER FAIL! (vet bills are expensive).

[everythingseasoning]

Hi all, sorry for being so inactive. Multiple reasons for my inconsistency, but one recent reason is that

I am a foster mother to 3 newborns!

Neonatal kittens, not humans haha. I named one of them Megumi; she’s an all black, sweet, quiet kitty with blue eyes. I wonder if when she is older, her eye color will change to orange, or green? (like her mother who has orange eyes, or like her father who has green ones, both of which are strays I believe. Mama kitty is with her babies in our bathroom so that we can get her spayed soon, as there’s an extreme overpopulation problem where I live. I’ve also come across a lot of strays in the area recently). I honestly do hope her eyes stay blue though, to stick with the Megumi Fushiguro theme 💙

Megumi is a kind girlie, she always goes up to her siblings when they meow, and then she lays her head on their body. She is also the runt. The others are Potato (Rambunctious BIGGG BOY who steals all the food, orange/toast color), and Gurei (stunning and playful and wild girl, Mackerel Tabby). ALSOOOO you know the Attack on Titan song, Gurei no Yama? HAHA YEAH THAT’S WHERE HER NAME IS ALSO FROMM

If you want I can keep you all updated. Vote below!

[everythingseasoning]

Rozy, I will be your Hawa (please please please please please please please)

The Guy Upstairs

By Hanza Art

[everythingseasoning]

I have a f*cking type

TALL AGILE OBSERVANT STRATEGIC CARING NON-BINARY PEOPLE OR WOMEN HAVE ME ON THE FLOOORRRRE

Hi mam?? 😳

[everythingseasoning]

🥹

All credits to ちるちる

[everythingseasoning]

Just had an hour and a half long talk about being autistic for the first time. Was with my aunty figure, cried my eyes out. Felt the same overwhelm & same style of tears as when I came out as bisexual.

i am not normal and i don’t think in the same way other people do. i just want to belong and understand why I am the way I am.

on the bright side, it’s so good to acknowledge what you are. so much to think/say on this.

[everythingseasoning]

Have you heard mehro’s latest song?

“Until I find a reason to live, I’ll find a reason not to die.”

- mehro

Adding on my own lyrics:

Until I find a reason to live, I’ll find a reason not to die.

I walk a dirt road. The night is all engulfing, tree branches spindly and bare. Someplace— I know that there is a road set in golden stones.

Until I look down at these hands and know there’s a life, I’ll find a reason not to die.

Survive, survive, survive. The suffering stays. Survive, survive— why do you try?

There’s a place where the sunlight catches the path. The leaves rustle in the wind. Here is where walking isn’t a chore.

The night is black and cold. Numbing. I won’t chase each shiny star that flies close by. Silvery-white, and bright in the dark.

But I’ll keep the ones with forward eyes. Keep to the path, this is my reason to stay alive.

Until I find a reason to live, I’ll put one foot in front of the other. Over and over. But I promise I’ll stay alive.

Until I find a reason to live, I’ll have my reason not to die.

[everythingseasoning]

Lately I’ve been so much more understanding of my sexuality: I’m pansexual 💗💛💙 (kinda like bisexual if you don’t know what pan is) and demisexual towards girls (I don’t feel comfortable having sex without first feeling a deep emotional connection to the other person), and idk, I feel grossed out by the idea of having had sex with a guy I don’t feel completely safe with, and loved and understood by. I’m fiercely caring, delicate, sensitive and clingy, but trying to be more loving (to myself and others), & independent. There’s so much growth I’ve yet to get to. I want to get there, be there. I wanna be the best most understanding and loving person you could ever meet.

Anyway, back to the topic: The first time I fell in love was with a nonman, and I was 17. I hadn’t ever had a crush on a girl or anyone that isn’t a guy, prior to them.

And then, boom.

In love.

After that, I haven’t ever been in love again. But I find guys really cute aesthetically, but not girls. So I doubted my sexuality, like, do I really like nonmen and women?

Usually I get hardcore enamored by a single person, so I always doubt my sexuality because the love I feel for one person is *so intense* — as in — when I crush on a guy, I don’t feel valid in my pansexuality because oh my god, guys are so cool, but when I crush on a girl or nonman, I don’t feel straight because all I want is them.

It took me a long time to realize that I just fall hard, and falling for a guy doesn’t invalidate my queerness either. Falling so hard for a girl or a nonman doesn’t mean I’m not attracted to a guy.

I think I fall in love with souls. The gender doesn’t matter, though I definitely think guys are attractive more so than girls. But… why have I only ever felt long term butterflies and enamorment, with girls??? (Excluding you, Bang Chan)

Okay peace out :)

[everythingseasoning]

Oh my god, I have a thing for setters in volleyball.

They have to make split second decisions and set up the best attack possible in the moment so that their team can get the point— if that isn’t hot as hell, what is???

Volleyball is my new obsession y’all. Oh my god.

(I watched the best uni teams in my country challenge each other, developed a wee bit of an irrational crush on the setter over the course of the weekend while watching the game… Didn’t even know he was the setter but my eye was drawn to him because of how big of a supportive pillar he was to his team & how serious he looked on the big screen 😵‍💫🫣) anyway I’m going to have to crush this fantasy crush because it’s irrational and I don’t actually know what he’s like personality wise and he lives in a different place and I don’t even know him and I’m being weird 💔.

[everythingseasoning]

it’s better to remember the person and all their idiosyncrasies than to have it washed completely away. Walking around with my head empty and devoid of their light, instead thinking of a placeholder or filler for the love and intellect I saw in them, from them— no— I don’t want to forget something so lovely, even if it hurts that they’re gone. If it means I’ll carry a piece of grief with me for the rest of my life, so be it, I am alive and I am not wiped clean. I am broken, I am full of memory, I am a mosaic of all the people I’ve learned from.

This is my attachment style.

I hope this grief stays with me. Because it's all the unexpressed love that I didn't get to tell.

k.b. // andrew garfield [losing his mother]

[everythingseasoning]

I ran today and I feel so good! 02.15.23

Everytime I wanted to stop or slow down I just kept running, I actually tried harder, and I swear, this runner’s high flowed through me each time. Liquid/chemical encouragement… and I actually haven’t worked out consistently in way too long (a few months?), so I didn’t want to run. But because I did cross country for years in middle/high school, I know how to run and push myself :P and it’s always sooo worth it. My mind always feels clearer throughout the days, if I’m running consistently. I also feel more me :’) just aware and present, if I’m exercising. I also get super stressed and anxious, so running/working out, gets all those bad energies out of my body.

The sky was beautiful and grey, super cloudy and this calm, quiet blue. I love rainy weather <333 The air was so fresh. It was so lovely being in the crisp air today.

I’m really excited to keep watching Sweet Home hehe. But my friend left to do their study abroad and now I’m sad & lonely cause they’re the main/only person I hung out with in person. I might try to fill the void with work, we’ll see.

QOTD: your favorite workout or car song(s)?

[everythingseasoning]

I want to rip my skin off and deep cleanse that shit and purify every pore and hang it out to air dry.

And then put it back on with a nice drippy sheet mask.

[everythingseasoning]

HAPPY V DAY M HOPE YOU HAVE A LOVELY AMAZING DAY <3

YOU MADE MY FUCKING DAY RAGE, ILY 🤭😍💐💚🥳💛 !!! HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY TO YOU TOO DARLING :D

Have the loveliest of days, always forever more to come to you, rage!!! Mwah mwah hugs and hugs galore <3

Also :) my day is starting off so well. I’ve pulled an all nighter and watched 2 great movies/shows in the past 24 hours + one mid movie but it was interesting heh. (The great ones: Society of the Snow is phenomenal and brutal and tragic and horrific and amazing, based off a real story of people stranded in the Andes mountain range responding to cannabalims in order to survive— I highly highly recommend if you wanna cry and also ask yourself questions about the significance of living right now; Sweet Home is also my all time favorite webcomic ever—it’s a horror/kinda sci-fi/survival story with themes of heroism & warmth amidst war & teamwork— I’ve read it like 4 times when it was still in production and I would reread it again. The webtoon was also adapted into a show on Netflix which I’ve been watching, it is more than decent too. Nothing beats the webtoon but the Netflix adaptation is incredibly hooking + they got the lovable and unique characters down well :).

[everythingseasoning]

I want to rip my skin off and deep cleanse that shit and purify every pore and hang it out to air dry.

And then put it back on with a nice drippy sheet mask.