bleubarbee

[bleubarbee]

I need a break from my mind. Heartache and heartbreaks are killing me and in my 38 years, I give so much love and I can’t find a love that is real. When I let my guard down and let them in they just use that as a means to get what they want sexually.

I just don’t see it for me. It seems like even though I love abs improve the quality of lives around me, people would still be fine if I didn’t exist. My son would miss me but he’s not 4 yet so he will only remember the good and not that I’m failing in my own life, no family no love, friends have moved away and even after beating cancer and giving life, I’m treated as though my black body only has two defines purposes, pleasure for other people and pain for myself.

What’s the best way to exist cause dying from sadness and feeling unworthy is painstakingly surreal.

Someone once said my aura was bright red,

Wish they could see the tear stains that blotch that red.

I keep saying it doesn’t matter but it does and im broken

[bleubarbee]

Baring my soul

Often the pulse quickens

Admiration and attention

To me sing affection

To some a bait and wrap

Looking for something to nourish

To fill full

You make a meal of me

Ready for consumption

No need for details

You’re in a hurry to get lost with me

Appetizing your gluttony

This particular treasure

I am very fond of

A treasure you were very willing to pilfer

All those rosy affections and compliments

Were hand carved tools big and small

My very thirst and desire to be understood

My trusting heart so open that I wanted to open for you

After being buried for so long

I truly felt you spoke to a part deep inside of me. If only for a fleeting moment..

Teary wide eye girl, living with an open soul

Blindly searching for a twin flame

And then I ask for your last name

[bleubarbee]

As a woman of color it’s hard to talk about wanting to loose weight with friends who are white, regardless of their body type. They treat me like how dare I not be a strong fierce black woman who loves their curves. When I try to tell them of dealing with eating disorders and what has led me to be obese, they shut up but only after saying “well as long as it’s for health reasons”

My white femme friends alienate me on the regular by treating me like “this too shall pass” all I see it as is, your insecure self is non threatening and we’d like to keep it that way, you’re already good at too many things, be fine with being unhealthily overweight cause if it really bothered you you’d do something”

[bleubarbee]

Caught between the devil and the deep blue sea

The fog like a blanket, still yet penetrable like wading through water

Dilation conflated with devotion

Of a certain body carrying me over the ocean

Frenzied minds that speak in the shadows

Nights run cold after you’ve spilled your power

the fabrics that keep you warm

Excite you and make you feel small,

A vulnerable part,

the arch in your heart

Exposing your bare feet to me

Like a child showing a gift from the sea

Reflections in the water change shape

The way you do after getting no sleep

Frenzied release, I take you in my lap

These dreams you have they are not bad

Yet your frame creaks across the floor

Screaming that “I want no more”

Choking on the bits left in cages

To be fed by ravenous desires in stages

A body of water was not the only interpretation

Feelings overwhelmed your designation

A countdown to matters of the heart

Building a moat we both won’t cross

Finalizing the changing of the winds

Back to where we started once again.

[bleubarbee]

No amount

Taking supplements like they’re drugs

Popping vit D and caffeine like it’s going to restore hope

Sleeping through the day just to hear a whisper of relief.

Crossed out myself as something that needs to be seen,

Do the work they say and you’ll see progress

What hinges on achievements is nothing to believe in

I figure better to drown out the despair with healthy alternatives that keep the mind suffering longer,

No numbing this pain. No remedy for mortification,

No one understands, they all compare it to a part that’s not a part.

No one knows how many times death made you dance and jump, spinning you around not letting you go. Only to be on the other side clinging to the only thing that never left you feeling so small.

You want to feel small, you miss fitting inside of spaces no one can find you, you miss not being seen in a way that your embarrassment lingers like a stench.

You think to a time when all your body could do is sleep. And now sleep comes, and you must wear this veneer as to not draw attention.

You draw yourself away and the blank and vague faraway look you give, well even seeing past it is hope. And you do not have that.

[bleubarbee]

What’s it like

Ever been locked in your own mine

Clawing to get out, wishing you had a chance to change what others saw, what they misunderstood. It’s not easy to always end up with egg on your face. And well those who hurt you, well there positions in life will always be better than yours. Not just in gender but In race. Which makes the pain and embarrassment all the more horrifying. To think that you may have not even been seen as a person in the first place and when you are hurt you flail.

You’re given nothing in return except, “I wish you peace” “ you’ll find someone in no time”

Staking out respect, no demanding it when you realize at the end that this entity did not care nor respect your humanity, that they saw you as an extension of their own guilt and perversions, that knowing your story and trauma only made the things in their pants twitch in delight at your fragility. Something to toy and play, but also wanting you to love and nurture in a perverse way that when you wanted to actually love and nurture they treated you like a crazed mom.

Make it about age, make it about boundaries . Make it about using your vulnerability to get into your heart, head and eventually bed.

What they didn’t make it about was what I wanted. That narrative has been left out for so long. Setting boundaries, no it’s setting limitations.

How do you limit a free spirit,

How can you bottle the essence and strip it when that’s what drew you to me.

[bleubarbee]

I fell right in. I wanted to to sort of document and blog about my experiences of dating. To be honest what got me here was the last guy I really fell hard for and it was a very long fall, 4,600 miles to be exact. Yep I bought a plane ticket to spend time with a man almost half my age, well 13 years younger. I’m not a monster.

Hello bottom meet rock. I should back up, after being blocked by not one, or two but three men , the first do to infatuation let’s just say I had no will power with my first sexual interaction being out of an 11 year relationship, heavier, older and a parent to a three year old, oh yea and I almost died, but we’ll get more into that later.

See I started this thinking I would expose all the men, nay, I say boys who have scorned me. Hey who’s to say I still won’t do that, I am a fire sign born on the day of measured attack. No, you see I realized I have a pattern and not just because I have an app on my phone that tells me that, which I do btw. I needed to figure out why I am so desperate to be understood and loved so passionately. My last relationship was that of devotion, but so many erasures over our lines together and the pages were no longer clean, just a smear of commitment mashed with a need to feel connected. I did not feel connected and could not let myself die this way.

So ghosted guy number two, a pen pal from the Uk, Rotherham to be exact, he actually had a history of ghosting me every few years, and my cute yet dependably low self esteem made our cat and mouse game last for over 15 years. See I’m really into music and this guy was like the Paul Bunion of giving the best recommendations, like it was worth the emotional fucking over he did to me after I sent him a nude and then he’d disappear when I asked for reciprocation.

I got 11 songs this time. Thanks for that Paul.

And then there is guy #3 which honestly is why I’m here, realizing you are so desperate to be wanted in a very specific way that you’ll buy a months trip across the world to see someone you’ve only known a couple days via tinder and Instagram video, well let’s just say I’m sitting in my bathroom looking at his blocked account wondering what the fuck is wrong with me.

It’s easy to say I’m a hopeless romantic, or that I see good in everyone, I have myself blocked people without a second thought because of safety, self respect or just boredom from a lack of connection. But this guy really put me through the ringer emotionally, sexually and mentally. Even haven’t not met him in person yet, he got me to open up in ways that I never had with anyone in my life.

So this is where I start l...