Text
"The Brothers Karamazov", Fyodor Dostoevsky (translated by Constance Garnett)
9K notes
·
View notes
Text
instagram
[i believed you and i believed in you and neither was the truth.]
0 notes
Text
sure i may have started the year holding massive grudges but at least i was holding something.
0 notes
Text
When I was a kid, I remember reading The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. I was probably in middle school at the time? Possibly late elementary school? And it was summer, and my mom was drivig us somewhere, and I was in the backseat when I got to the part about Bridget’s mom killing herself, and I had to stop reading right there because it was the first time I had ever thought about something like that, and it terrified me.
Not because of the horror of the situation. I wasn’t afraid of somebody I knew doing that. I was afraid because for a split second I had thought about what it would take to put a gun to my own head and pull the trigger, and I realized how. damn. easy it would be. One second and everything was over, and you couldn’t take it back.
I had to stop reading because I was scared of myself.
And a lot later I realized that I wasn’t actually afraid of heights. Because I was only ever afraid of them when it was plausible to fall. I didn’t like balconies or bridges or quarries with cliffs, but I was fine with airplanes and touristy observatories that overlooked a city, because those things were inside.
I wasn’t afraid of heights. I was afraid of how easy it was to walk off the edge.
And I’m realizing now that the “sudden” appearance actively suicidal thoughts last year wasn’t actually that sudden. In fact I’m kind of surprised it took until I was in my late 20s to morph into that.
I don’t remember who I was two years ago. That person was so scared of dying that I ended up in the E.R. like three times just because of panic attacks. I used to not be able to fall asleep at night because I was terrified there was something horribly wrong with me.
I don’t remember what it’s like to be afraid of death.
0 notes