bliimz

[bliimz]

Drawing i did with a random ebony pencil i found hidden in the back of my drawer. I went out and bought white gel pens for the glare/slimy effect.

Referenced from the resin works of Colin Christian.

Ft. Me holding it up back when my hair was green.

@ iseetears - insta

[bliimz]

A poem i randomly made after a failed attempt to nap.

Consists of references to little things that happened in the events of a relationship and longing misery i was left to battle with internally afterwards.

I used key words (veins, trembling, bloodstream, & pavement) from a hidden treasure of a song that i discovered on SoundCloud which i added to the playlist i made him , which he never cared to listen to.

I used the theme of a bunraku puppet, which is something he had a interest in. He even made it his bio across socials for some time.

I mentioned in a line the words, ‘fades to black’- since it was something that was also in my bio across socials for some time, even before we met.

The ‘end to a nightmare’ is another thing, which he lastly changed his bio into after our hell of a relationship was officially at an end. (?).

The drawing is a shitty display of my skills, yet i find so much emotion in it- doodled it forever ago.

I wont explain more than my references & artwork. I feel if you understand for your self, despite the vague manner of it all- then I’m greatly satisfied.

@ iseetears - insta

[bliimz]

[bliimz]

A diary page ~~~

.. I loved him. We met on new years, a day after his birthday actually, of 2019. I was sad, crying on the floor and he was there for me… he wasn’t just a shell of a person then. At least it didn’t seem like it at the time.

My first love, he was my muse, the reason i even started writing poetry.

We were just teenagers, young and lost. I never in my life cared for drugs or sex or anything related to the lifestyle. I hated parties, I hated people who partied. I hated a-lot of things.

I loved him, oddly enough. Looking back I cant seem to pin point why that was exactly. Maybe because I am now forever blinded by hatred? I dunno.. but before I was only ever blinded by the love I had for him.. I allowed so much shit to happen.. so much.

When we last had seen each other it was a week before Covid hit and quarantine began. 2020. I was 16 and so was he. I had very strict parents so I had to sneak out to go see him, he rode his bike 3 hours with no service to come see me.. we saw each other in the middle of the night. It was dark, only the distant street lights and the light reflecting off the moon were there to help me see him. He wore all black, I remember this night very vividly. We met in my neighborhood park.. Only thing I could really see was his bright smile.

We kissed before our skin ever touched. We hugged, traded “I love you’s” and hid under this tunnel in the playground. We kissed, it went on forever.. and in between we would have talked about our future together. How he would get a cat that would have the same green eyes as I do so he can have me when I was gone. We talked about running away to Vegas and getting married and he told me no because those marriages don’t last.. and he wanted us to last forever… I remember it all…

When it hit 4am he told me he had to head back, and so did I. So we had our last kiss, last hug, last “I love you’s”

I didn’t hear from him since. Not for 6 months.. I had counted the days as they went by. Then the weeks… & then the months. 6 months..

Fast forward, I put distance between us. I decided to look for a new lover, I decided to move on. We went separate paths for about 4 years..

This year, 2025, we spoke again. He apologized for what he did, explained his reasonings and such. I couldn’t forgive him, but I told him it was okay & not to worry about it. It was forever ago.. He wanted to take me out of the situation I was still in at my parents… I was desperate to get out. I took it. He explained how he had changed.. that he wasn’t doing all the drugs he did back then..& I took his word for it.

I moved in with him a day later.. I was in a vulnerable state, a new environment, new faces and his… it brought back something in me.. seeing him again for the first time in over half a decade.. it all felt so familiar.

A few days in.. He saw I was struggling to fall asleep, asked if we could cuddle.. I hesitated yes, but I ended up letting him come to my side of the room. We laid there in each other arms.. all the love I had for him so many years ago came flowing back.. He asked if I was okay, I replied with, “I cant sleep”. He then followed that with, “Do you need me to help put you to sleep?” I asked what he meant and he told me to look up at him (my head was on his chest) & so when I complied he went in for a kiss… I kissed em back. We made out for a while and then fast forward— He was given my virginity.

He knew I was a virgin, that I was saving it for the right time and person… He would tell me that he would be the one to take it also..

He began seeing other people not even 2 weeks later. Lying to my face about where he was going to so suddenly at 12am.. etc.

I was a romantic.. he never was. He only ever wanted to have sex with people and he saw that I had loved him still, saw I was in a vulnerable position.. & he took advantage of that. He took advantage of me.

He got me a kitten shortly after we did it the first time.. he told me, “She has green eyes.. like you.” & I had named her ‘Vada’…

After discovering that I was being used. That he was seeing other people.. That I was just there for his own pleasure & to help pay his rent.. I left..

I left within 24 hours of that realization. & he is forever dead to me. I will not miss him or the way he made me feel..

I was losing myself just by loving him.

I couldn’t keep sitting through that.. I couldn’t just let that happen. So i left.

I act on emotion.. But I had it in me to leave. I couldn’t have ever seen myself sticking up for myself, avoiding every ounce of love I have for him.. but with the help of realization and self respect, I turned that love into hatred for him & he is forever gone.

& I’m okay with that..

[bliimz]

Wish I could’ve hugged you one last time..