blkwrdsonawhtpg - Tumblr blog

[blkwrdsonawhtpg]

see the stupid thing is that no matter how many pretty words you write or how many jokes you make that "oh he was a 93 year old, devout, irish catholic widower so the news he was going home to jesus was the best news he'd heard in a minute" or how much you tell yourself that it's fine you're fine it was time you barely knew him it doesn't matter it had to happen sometime, it still hurts. it still sucks. im bitter we weren't closer. i know my grandfather loved me dearly but i wish i knew him better. i should have known you before grandma died, before you became a hoarder, before you were depressed. i should have known my grandmother in more than pictures. im sitting in the house my dad used his inheritance to buy for me and all i want to do is scream.

yesterday, mom called and said daddy was packing a bag, that this was the end. yesterday, i called my dad and begged him to let me come see you and he refused because he didn't want me to see you how you were. yesterday, you died. yesterday, mom called and i felt like my stomach had been ripped out even though i thought i was ready. yesterday, i sobbed with my best friends and watched john mulaney and ate an entire pint of phish food. yesterday, i read from the book of wisdom "the souls of the just are in the hand of god, and no torment shall touch them." yesterday, i watched my father cry.

none of this was yesterday. it just feels like it somedays. it was a year ago.

today, i wish i was in rhode island with you and grandma. today, i am 1,004 miles away. today, i am scrubbing the shit out of the house you allowed my father to buy me. today, i miss you. tomorrow, i will go to work. tomorrow, i will continue to make your last gift to me fucking perfect. i wish you could see it. i have almost no pictures with you, nothing recent, anyway. we were never very close. maybe that's what i mourn most.

vita mutatur, non tollitur. // life is altered, not taken.

[blkwrdsonawhtpg]

yesterday, mom called and said daddy was packing a bag, that this was the end. yesterday, i called my dad and begged him to let me come see you and he refused because he didn't want me to see you how you were. yesterday, you died. yesterday, mom called and i felt like my stomach had been ripped out even though i thought i was ready. yesterday, i sobbed with my best friends and watched john mulaney and ate an entire pint of phish food. yesterday, i read from the book of wisdom "the souls of the just are in the hand of god, and no torment shall touch them." yesterday, i watched my father cry.

none of this was yesterday. it just feels like it somedays. it was a year ago.

today, i wish i was in rhode island with you and grandma. today, i am 1,004 miles away. today, i am scrubbing the shit out of the house you allowed my father to buy me. today, i miss you. tomorrow, i will go to work. tomorrow, i will continue to make your last gift to me fucking perfect. i wish you could see it. i have almost no pictures with you, nothing recent, anyway. we were never very close. maybe that's what i mourn most.

vita mutatur, non tollitur. // life is altered, not taken.

[blkwrdsonawhtpg]

hey im 24 now and i have two cats and live in georgia with my family again im sitting in my grandmother's living room and she's knitting and we're watching a documentary and next week i move into the sweetest little house on the lake and jesus christ life is far from perfect and im miserable many days but wow it did get better and i think 16 year old me would be proud

[blkwrdsonawhtpg]

yes, this is the exact same format to this post by @blkwrdsonawhtpg but if you’ve ever wanted to understand what being lesbian/gay is like, this has been a bit of my experience. it is not going to be the same as anyone else’s timeline, nor will the specific experiences, but it’s important to me, and i wanted to share it.

[blkwrdsonawhtpg]

whaddup folx i’m not dead i just went from being a creative depressed asshole to being a bored depressed asshole

[blkwrdsonawhtpg]

Look at your wrist, see the blueish veins? The blood flowing through them contains hemoglobin, a protein that has four iron atoms incorporated into its structure. Iron is only naturally produced in one place, it can only be forged in the core of dying stars.

Every time you look at your veins, remember that you are built from, and kept alive by, pieces of stardust.

[blkwrdsonawhtpg]

So my mom is insanely talented and was sobbing when she found out about Leelah’s passing and her (and many others’) unsupportive and transphobic parents. She desperately wants to give every trans youth a hug and tell them that they’ll be alright but she can’t reach out to everyone. So she made these. 

                “I don’t need eyes to see the real you,                 or a mouth to tell you who you should be.                 Just ears for listening,                 and paws for hugging.                 You are perfect to me.”

Each bear is made with 100% eco-friendly materials (including hemp stuffing!) They are very durable and extremely high quality. AND! 50% of all proceeds goes directly to the National Center for Transgender Equality!

This is her Etsy store. 

She’s trying really hard to give back to our community in the best way she knows how and she really, really does care about every single one of us.

[blkwrdsonawhtpg]

This might be a dumb question but how to you pronounce xe/xem?

hey there!! no question is dumb especially when it comes to something as confusing as pronouns. you use them just like “traditional” pronouns. so:

SUBJECT: she=xe (pronounced: zeeee)

OBJECT: her=xem (zee-m)

POSSESSIVE: her=xyr (zeer)

POSSESSIVE PRONOUNS: hers=xyrs (zeers)

REFLEXIVE: herself=xyrself (zeerself)

so you would say:

“xe laughed.”

“i called xem.”

“xyr eyes gleam.”

“that is xyrs.”

“xe likes xyrself.”

i included the pronunciation for you because they can be really hard to pronounce for anyone.

hope this helps! feel free to ask me any other questions you might have.

[blkwrdsonawhtpg]

I am overflowing with words I do not have.

Adam Falkner, “When It Matters”  (via wordsnquotes)

[blkwrdsonawhtpg]

oh my gosh you are so clever and creative i love the pronouns :)

awww haha thanks! i didn’t come up with them tho. but thank you!

[blkwrdsonawhtpg]

(The anon with all the questions) Yeah. Okay thanks for explaining everything. :) I'm still fixated on the "2 gender choices" and "you can only be one gender at a time" thing but hopefully can break away soon. Thanks for dealing with me. I'm more understanding now. Thanks.

it’s alright! imo, the only way to get past that is just to remind yourself of it. when you catch yourself thinking like that, say to yourself “no wait. there’s more than two genders.” or whatever. there’s no magic way to stop thinking any sort of thoughts, whether they’re about a person or some sort of internalized prejudice.

i know for me, its hard to not judge girls by how they dress. i’ll see my classmates and go “wow what a fuckin whore put some clothes on” but then i’ll say “hey no she can wear what she wants. am i thinking that because i’m jealous of her? or because i just don’t like her style?” 

i’m getting better at it and i’m sure you will too. have a good one!!

[blkwrdsonawhtpg]

so um i wrote a thing???? based off of this post? sorta. but here it is. it’s not the best because i threw it together in like the last half hour buuttttt i’d appreciate it if you’d read it!

A Daughter

When Molly Weasley had another son, she didn’t know what to say. For so long she had hoped for a girl; a child she could dote upon endlessly and dress up. Instead, her boys had another younger brother to play with. Not that she was upset, not at all. Just a little sad.

When Gerard was 4, he refused to wear his pants. He declared that he wanted dresses, just like his mommy.

At age 5, Gerard fell down the stairs and had to get five stitches. When he was asked what happened, he told the wizard that he’d been wearing his mommy’s dress and high heels and had tripped.

For his 6th birthday, Gerard asked for a princess dress. Grandma Weasley decided it was time for an intervention. She bought Molly books about gender.

One day, when he was seven, Gerard wore his princess dress to Diagon Ally. While Molly shopped for books in Flourish and Blotts, he played with the cats at the Magical Menagerie. When a charming lady asked him if he was a boy or a girl, he told her that he was a girl.

Read More

[blkwrdsonawhtpg]

i went to phillies opening day yesterday and i literally looked so cute!!! (elisha, demigirl, ey/em or she/her)

[blkwrdsonawhtpg]

(still that same anon) okay. Everythings becoming clearer but i still have one question. People talk about things having no gender. Like makeup and long hair and short hair and the pitch of your voice and things like that. So if those things are gender neutral why would people feel the need to change genders? Why can't people dress however they want without the whole "changing genders" process when the stuff they are changing is known as gender-neutral of genderless? Please say that made sense.

i completely understand what you mean.

so when people say that things like makeup are gender neutral, what they mean is that anyone can wear them, regardless of their gender. like, a boy can wear makeup and a dress and he’s still a boy or a woman can wear pants and a blazer and no makeup and she’s still a woman. 

however, a lot of people still see those things as gender exclusive. that’s where the whole idea of “passing” comes in. let’s us a trans man named james as an example. james is an afab trans man, meaning that he has breasts and a vagina but is a man. even though he knows that dresses aren’t inherently gendered (seeing as they’re just pieces of cloth), he knows that other people think that only girls can wear dresses. so james doesn’t wear dresses because he wants people to see him as the boy he is. 

people change these things about themselves (pitch of voice, dress, appearance) because they want to fit into the ideal of what a man or a woman is. also, since they have been taught that men do/wear x and women do/wear y, doing/wearing x or y makes them feel better and eliminates dysphoria. please understand that i’m not criticizing people chose to transition. i’m just saying that’s why they do it. 

so basically: a lot of trans people know that certain things are gender neutral. society thinks that they are gendered. binary trans people conform to the gender stereotypes of their true gender in order to “pass” as their true self.

important note: trans people don’t have to conform to gender stereotypes in order to be valid. trans men can be femme and still be men. trans women can be masc and still be women. nonbinary people can be either and still valid.

does this make sense?

*since i’m not a binary trans person, anyone who is should feel free to correct me.

[blkwrdsonawhtpg]

This is the last anon you just answered. Duh I know I'm transphobic that's why I tried to come to you for answers. I want to be accepting and understand everything. I tried researching transgender and all that stuff. I only understand a little. I can see how you can not assign with the gender you were at birth but I dont understand how you can be more than one gender or genderless. I also dont understand why if youre a ftm trans person why you just can't identify as androgynous. Can you help??

okay I'll try to explain it as best I can. also I'm glad that you recognized that your behavior was transphobic because that's really hard for anyone to do.

the thing is, it's really hard to explain how I know I'm agender to people using my words. it's just how you feel inside. and I know that's probably not the answer you're looking for but...that's kinda just what it is.

I think that, for me, part of my gender comes from the fact that I don't understand gender. because of my multiple mental illnesses, such as aspergers, i have a hard time interpreting the world around me. so I know really know what being a girl "feels like."

people who are ftm don't identify as androgynous because that implies being in between male and female. trans men are men and they don't want to be seen as in the middle. I know three trans guys irl and they try to dress as masculinely as possible. they don't want people to say "are they a boy or a girl?" they want people to say "look at that boy."

I, on the other hand, I want people to look at me and say "are they a boy or a girl?" because I'm neither.

I guess the best way I can explain it is this: when I picture my Ideal Self, it's my face and everything but a very stereotypically androgynous body. some of my female friends see their Ideal Selfs as being very stereotypically feminine: curvy, big breasts, small waists. my trans male friends see their Ideal Selfs as being stereotypically masculine: tall, big muscles, deep voices.

I hope this makes sense to you. I really do.

[blkwrdsonawhtpg]

Please keep in mind that this isn't to be rude. I can't understand. I read your timeline twice and if you wanted to cut your hair and dress masculine then that's okay but you are still a girl. You can act and dress as you want but that doesn't change your gender it only changed your personality and how you express yourself. Just because you don't "act like a girl" or fit in with the girl stereotypes doesn't mean that you aren't a girl. I'm really trying to understand your reasoning but I can't.

1. i get that you’re not trying to be rude but you are being transphobic

2. i don’t act like a girl because i’m not a girl

3. i don’t dress “masculine.” I dress like myself. and that is genderless.

4. i assume that what you mean by “you’re still a girl” is that i still have a vagina and breasts and that is the only thing that makes me a girl. my body doesn’t not determine my gender.

5. there is a difference between sex and gender.

6. sex =/= gender

7. if i say i’m not a girl, then i. am not. a. girl. no one else can tell me what my gender is.

[blkwrdsonawhtpg]

I've been really confused and your poem Timeline helped me. Thank you so much, I don't really know what to say... just thank you

thank you for your kind words! i'm glad that my words helped you