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Ramble #1

Dear Whomever,

I make mistakes. I am not perfect. I deserve to forgive myself. I am not a piece of shit. I deserve love. I am not garbage. But I feel like garbage. I feel like I’m not good at anything. I feel like I can’t live up to Frank’s expectations. I try so hard and it is never enough. I always sometimes manage to fuck up somehow. I don’t know how to get better, but I don’t have anyone to share these thoughts with. I wish I could be the person that Frank wants. Someone who doesn’t annoy the shit out of him. Someone who doesn’t take their annoyances out on him. I might be depressed. I might have high anxiety. I wish I could be like Frank after an argument and just go to sleep instead of crying over a computer keyboard. I love Frank so much. I love the dogs so much. Why can’t I forgive myself? Why is it some days I can go with the flow and other days just get pushed over the edge? I constantly forgive Frank and he doesn’t even care. The whole week where everything was annoying him, I tried my hardest to not be a complete burden. Took care of the dogs, didn’t bother him for hugs or cuddles (even though it depresses the shit out of me if I don’t get those). I wanted to be the strong one for him when he needed it. He finds it difficult to also forgive me. Sandra is also a fucking saint. I barely text anyone because it feels like so much effort. Even just getting out of the fucking house takes so much effort. When I was down visiting Mattie all I wanted was to be back home with Frank and the pups. Do I have separation anxiety from them? Probably. I am literally the worst friend to Sandra, and I feel like a piece of shit about that. She deserves someone to text her all the time and be there for her moments. I can barely make the trip down there and even when I was there, I just wanted to be back home. What the fuck is wrong with me? I wish I were stronger. I am strong but not where I want to be. I could be better. I procrastinate. Sometimes I go the extra mile for people but who’s going the extra mile for me? Who’s taking care of me when I’m down? Myself. This just proves that. I am weak. I wish I were a better person because all the people around me fucking deserve the greatest and I am subpar. Maybe even below par or is it worse to be above? I honestly need to be better about thinking before saying anything. These things get me into trouble, and I come off with the wrong intentions. Living is so fucking hard. What’s it all even for? So, billionaires can make more money and the poor people can work their fucking lives away? I just all feels like a waste of time and that makes me angry. I don’t care if nobody reads this I just need to put these thoughts out there.