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bloodsmokesandcupcakes · 6 years

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a guide to writing touch-averse characters, by someone who can’t even pat the shoulder of their crying grandma*:

initial questions:

consider: why is your character touch-averse? is it because of sensory issues? (if so, is the character autistic? adhd? do they have fibro? standalone spd? a combination thereof? something else?) trauma? (if so, what’re the specifics?) orientation? (if so, are they aromantic? asexual? dysphoric? a combination thereof? something else?) are they just kinda Like That?

consider: how does your character experience touch-aversion? that is, what’s it feel like to them? (is it overwhelming? does it physically hurt? does it make them physically uncomfortable? emotionally uncomfortable? anxious? panicked? angry? nauseous? a combination of these? does it vary?) and to what extent? (a little? a moderate amount? a lot? does the severity remain the same all through, or does it increase if the touch lingers, or decrease, or fluctuate? is the effect immediate, or delayed? does it vary?)

consider: what are the nuances of their experience? for example, are some moments better or worse than others? (high-energy ones? low-energy ones? emotionally-charged ones? others?) are some kinds of touch better or worse than others? (light? firm? unexpected? forewarned? brief? prolonged? on their back? hands? chest? arms? shoulders? knees? neck? other?) is touch more or less bearable from certain people? (children? men? women? strangers? friends? very close friends? family? very close family? pets? partners? doctors? other?)

consider: how do they approach their touch-aversion? for example, how do they usually feel about it? (neutral? negative? positive? other?) are they able to set boundaries? (if so, do they? if so, do they enforce them?) how do they respond, in any case, if those boundaries are violated? (do they freeze? do they flinch? do they jerk away? do they shrug off the touch carefully? do they keep still and bear it? do they snap at the person? do they speak calmly? do they panic? dissociate? other?) how do they talk about it, if it all? (neutrally? negatively? positively? other?)

consider: how do others approach their touch-aversion? for example, how do different people feel about it, if they’re aware of it? what assumptions do they make? how do they act on those assumptions, if at all? do they respect your character’s boundaries? do they try to desensitize your character? do they want to?

common pitfalls:

the character grows comfortable with touch; this correlates with a character arc that involves them growing kinder, warmer, more compassionate, or more “human”

recommendation: avoid.

(seriously, avoid.)

equates being touch-averse with being cruel, uncaring, and inhuman

implies that it’s a character flaw to be outgrown or fixed

implies it can and should be outgrown or fixed

as a concept, full of ableism. so much ableism

inaccurate, hurtful on all counts

the character grows comfortable with touch from a specific person or group of people; this correlates with increased levels of closeness, trust, and/or emotional intimacy

recommendation: tread carefully.

implies touch-aversion is something to be overcome or fixed with love

risks supporting myth that it can always be overcome with enough love

can imply that it must be overcome in order to have a healthy and/or emotionally fulfilling relationship

inaccurate, potentially damaging on all counts

someone is very physically affectionate with the character despite their obvious discomfort; this correlates with a narrative about the other caring for them very deeply and wanting to break down their emotional walls or otherwise help them

recommendation: tread very carefully.

plays into the above issues

depicts a violation of boundaries (no matter how benign the intentions)

inaccurate, damaging

the character finally willingly submits to physical affection; this is portrayed as particularly heartwarming or a sign of growth

recommendation: tread carefully.

can play into the above issues

can be patronizing and/or infantilizing

avoiding common pitfalls**:

the character grows comfortable with touch; this correlates with a character arc that involves them growing kinder, warmer, more compassionate, or more “human”

option one: just don’t do it.

option two: no really, don’t do it.

option three: i’m serious.

option four: don’t.

secret option five: do not!!

the character grows comfortable with touch from a specific person or group of people; this correlates with increased levels of closeness, trust, and/or emotional intimacy

option one: don’t do it

option two: include someone else who stays broadly touch-averse; portray their close relationships as equally healthy and emotionally fulfilling

option three: have the characters talk about boundaries; portray it as a process and focus on consent

option four: portray the increased comfort as non-absolute even within the relationship(s), even as emotional intimacy increases

secret bonus option five: mix and match!!

someone is very physically affectionate with the character despite their obvious discomfort; this correlates with a narrative about the other caring for them very deeply and wanting to break down their emotional walls or otherwise help them

option one: don’t do it

option two: have the narrative criticize the other character’s violation of their boundaries

option three: have the other character ask about boundaries first; portray it as a mutually-agreed-upon thing

option four: contrast it with other characters who respect their boundaries and are portrayed as better at connecting with and/or helping them

secret option five: mix and match!!

the character finally willingly submits to physical affection; this is portrayed as particularly heartwarming or a sign of growth

option one: don’t do it

option two: have other characters make it clear that they genuinely don’t have to do it; the impending affection is an offer, not a requirement

option three: have the character choose to initiate physical affection in a way that’s comfortable for them

option four: have the character accept a sign of affection that’s more comfortable for them than the ones previously attempted; portray it as a heartwarming sign of growth on the part of the other characters

secret option five: mix and match!!

my personal pet peeves:

touch-averse character “slowly” grows more comfortable with touch wrt a specific person; this process takes about a week. maybe a month, tops

i’m sure it absolutely does work this way for some people!

but in my experience, it definitely does not.

for me, i’d need at least three months of knowing someone before i even thought about hugging them. probably more (and an extenuating circumstance besides) to actually try

touch-averse character finds themself utterly comfortable hugging someone they just met bc they insta-click

see above

touch-averse character is suddenly much more (or even completely) comfortable with physical contact the instant they become upset

again i’m sure it probably does work this way for some people!

but for me, and i’m sure for many others as well, it actually if anything gets kinda worse?

generally a bad time

touch-averse character’s touch-aversion is played for laughs

i’m sure there’s a way to do it well, but usually it just comes off rude

things i’d personally like to see more of:

touch-averse characters that come with pre-established exceptions

these types of relationships are the most interesting to me. got that implied Pre-Existing Trust and Closeness baked in there, real nice

also, they feel less like a fixit narrative because we don’t see it happen and the character is still uncomfortable outside of the exception(s)

touch-averse characters that don’t have any exceptions

sometimes ppl just don’t have none and it’d be nice to see that u know

touch-averse characters who are simultaneously touch-starved

i enjoy suffering

also, it happens

also also it makes for some nice internal conflict (and external, potentially)

stories that in some fashion mention why they’re Like That

Say The Autism Word. Say The Trauma Word. Say The Asexual Word. The Aromantic Word. The Fibro Word. The [Insert Other Word]. Say It

(please. i am begging you.)

other characters respecting the touch-averse ones’ boundaries

i am a simple person with simple desires

stories with more than one touch-averse character

i am a simple person with slightly more complex desires,

stories with touch-averse characters who stay touch-averse

i am a simple,,

in conclusion***:

that is all i have

pls go forth into the world and make some sweet sweet no-touchie losers

thank u for ur time

yes

-

*with the caveat that i am but one single person whose thoughts, opinions, and experiences are very very far from universal; also the caveat that i have admittedly never had occasion to try patting the shoulder of my crying grandma, but have certainly failed to so much as concernedly nudge numerous other weeping loved ones–but that’s less humorously phrased, so i give myself a pass on accuracy in favor of wittiness

**these are course not all of the possible pitfalls or even necessarily the most common or even necessarily the worst–and others might not label them pitfalls at all, which is fair as it’s certainly possible to include most of these very successfully–but they’re the ones that have historically bothered me the most, personally, individually, as an individual person, and so here they are; i hope they’re useful, enjoy

***here lies the true conclusion after the footnotes, u are free now, go forth, & thank u for reading this heinously long post

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bloodsmokesandcupcakes · 6 years

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