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chapter 8 of i am my mother's child up now!

“I just… you're never going to end up alone, Buck. You have the 118,” he steps somehow closer, voice lowered. “You have me, you have Chris.” “Yeah, but that's different, you don't… you're not…” Buck can't bring himself to say the actual words, it feels wrong somehow, even though he knows they aren't dating, even though he knows Eddie is probably straight. The idea of saying that out loud somehow seems too final, it feels like pressing on a wound that hasn't healed yet—that will probably never heal. Eddie is still looking at him, biting his lip. “Buck, I—"

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chapter 8 out now!

i am my mother's child chapter 8 (in progress)

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chapter 8 coming next week!

i am my mother's child chapter 8 (in progress)

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i am my mother's child chapter 8 (in progress)

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I need you to understand that when I say "comments are appreciated!" I mean that I will reply to every one of them. I mean that an email with an ao3 notification has a higher priority than a message from my mother. I mean that I will have entire discussions in the comment section if you're up for it. Message me on tumblr and I will have the same discussions on an even more unhinged level. I will dissect entire personalities and ships and fictional political structures and worldbuilding with you. I will become your new best friend. You already ARE my new best friend. At the last battle, I would raise Anduril and say "For my ao3 readers" while a single tears rolls down my cheek, and dive into the fray. I would upload from beyond the grave if someone asked about the next chapter

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chapter 7 of i am my mother's child up now!

Eddie fishes around for a question, anything to distract him from his half-naked best friend five feet away from him. His eyes dart to the corner of the room. “What’s with the bed tray?” “Oh, uh,” Buck falls silent and Eddie turns around, finding him frozen halfway through pulling a pair of jeans on. His eyes are downcast and his mouth is pinched into a thin line. Eddie wishes he could take the question back, rewind time just by a minute. “I got hurt a lot when I was younger, ended up eating a lot of meals in bed… they used to move the tray back and forth from the closet, but eventually they just decided to leave it in here, less work for them I guess,” he shrugs and bends slightly, tugging his jeans further up. “My parents weren’t exactly big on family dinners anyway, so it ended up being kind of convenient to have the tray up here.” Eddie doesn’t know how to respond to that. Buck had alluded to his childhood injuries before, but he had never put it quite so bluntly. How often does a kid have to get hurt for their parents to keep a bed tray in their room?

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uploading chapter 7 in the next few days!

chapter 6 of i am my mother's child up now!

Buck doesn’t know what to do with himself, usually when he knew he had a long drive or flight, he would prepare ahead of time—make playlists or download audiobooks, something to keep himself occupied. He didn’t prepare anything this time, it hadn’t even crossed his mind. He had packed a book, but he had given up trying to read it about an hour into the flight. His mind was too anxious, and he couldn’t get himself to concentrate for long enough to read more than a paragraph. Besides, it was hard to turn the page with one hand, and Eddie was still holding his other hand—he had fallen asleep holding his hand. Buck knows he could have pulled away hours ago, but he hasn’t been able to bring himself to do it, afraid that if he let go, he wouldn’t get this chance again.

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chapter 6 of i am my mother's child up now!

Buck doesn’t know what to do with himself, usually when he knew he had a long drive or flight, he would prepare ahead of time—make playlists or download audiobooks, something to keep himself occupied. He didn’t prepare anything this time, it hadn’t even crossed his mind. He had packed a book, but he had given up trying to read it about an hour into the flight. His mind was too anxious, and he couldn’t get himself to concentrate for long enough to read more than a paragraph. Besides, it was hard to turn the page with one hand, and Eddie was still holding his other hand—he had fallen asleep holding his hand. Buck knows he could have pulled away hours ago, but he hasn’t been able to bring himself to do it, afraid that if he let go, he wouldn’t get this chance again.

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chapter 5 of i am my mother's child is up now!

He’s halfway through his second glass of wine when he finally convinces himself to say something. He takes a deep breath. He can do this. He talked to Frank about this, he’s ready. He just has to wait till Karen is done with her story and figure out a good way to— “I’m gay!” Or… he could blurt it out while she’s in the middle of a sentence. Hen, who was taking a sip of wine, proceeds to immediately choke.

[bloodthinnerboi]

Decided to make a side blog for easier posting/access for updates for my fics! So, I will be posting updates here from now on

Here are my current works:

Safe. Happy. Loved.

A fic where Buck figures out what he wants in a relationship, learns his self worth, breaks up with Tommy, and finally gets together with who he really wanted all along.

this haunting is inherited.

A hurt/comfort fic where Buck seeks comfort from Eddie after a nightmare shakes him up more than normal. (A story about childhood trauma, found family, healing and- obviously- buddie)

i am my mother's child

An in-progress fic where, following the death of his mother, Buck heads back to Hershey with Maddie, Chimney and Eddie to help plan the funeral. Featuring: complicated relationships with grief, lots of hurt and lots of comfort, Maddie and Eddie being friends (because it's what we deserve), and so so much pining.

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chapter 4 of i am my mother's child up now!

Spending time with his dad should really be the least of his worries right now, but the idea of it still leaves him on edge. Even when they lived together, his father had felt distant, unreachable. And now, over a decade later, that distance has only grown. At best their interactions are stilted and uncomfortable, at worst they make him feel like a little kid again: angry, powerless, alone. At worst… they end in a screaming match. And, as much as Buck has plenty to yell at his dad about, he doesn't want it to come to that, not before his mother's funeral, not while they're all still trying to figure out how to live with their newfound grief. He’s more nervous than ever, because now more than ever he wants the visit to go well. He doesn’t want to make everyone’s trip more uncomfortable just because he couldn't manage to have a single peaceful dinner with his father. “Okay, well,” Eddie pauses, something slightly hesitant. “What if I went with you? Would that help?”

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chapter 3 of i am my mother's child up now!

“I left your place pretty late already, and then I had completely forgotten about Eddie-” At that statement, the room bursts into noise again, multiple voices chiming in at once: "That's rare." "First time I've heard that from you." "Didn't know you were capable of that." “Yeah, alright,” he huffs. The teasing is familiar, comforting in an odd way. “I was a bit distracted last night. Forgot I had made plans to meet Eddie. I think I freaked him out slightly when I didn’t show up.” He knows that’s an understatement, but he doesn’t want anyone teasing Eddie when he gets here, not about this. And, that moment in his kitchen had felt private, something just for them. “He was waiting in my apartment when I finally got back, and so-” "Wait," Hen interrupts him. “Waiting in your apartment?” Chimney asks.

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i am my mother's child by bloodthinnerboy

Rating: Teen and Up Audiences

2,143 words, 1/12 chapters

Archive Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Tags: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley Character Study, Evan "Buck" Buckley Whump, Minor Character Death, don't worry it's just Margaret, Child Neglect, Evan "Buck" Buckley has PTSD, Evan "Buck" Buckley has Chronic Pain, Tommy Kinard Bashing, not the main focus but it is there so, POV Multiple, Hurt/Comfort, Mutual Pining, Getting Together, There Was Only One Bed, Domestic Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Fluff, Angst

Summary:

 “I was just about to call you,” he starts, voice quiet. “Maddie’s in the living room. She’s been crying on and off for an hour.” Buck falters, tripping over his feet and narrowly avoiding crashing into Chimney. An hour… how many people did his dad call between him and Maddie? How far down on the list was he? He wants to be angry about it, that his mom died and it seems like he was one of the last people his dad called, but he’s just met with the same ever present pain he’s come to associate with his parents. It shouldn’t still hurt, it shouldn’t come as anything close to a surprise, but… ~ Or when Margaret Buckley dies, Buck and Maddie head back to Hershey with Chimney and Eddie to help with the funeral. Featuring: complicated relationships with grief, lots of hurt and lots of comfort, and so so much pining.

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this haunting is inherited on ao3

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It’s been years now since Buck found out about Daniel, since his entire childhood both clicked into place and shattered before his eyes. He’s gone over it in therapy again and again, cried and yelled, and sat in frustrated, confused silence. He has picked his childhood apart and glued it back together again more times than he can count.

It’s been years now, and the wound, while no longer raw, isn’t healed. And, he knows that some part of trauma will always hurt, was told so by Dr. Copeland herself, and he trusts her. But, that voice in his head that tells him he’s never good enough, it latches on to this too: tells him he’s being too weak, making a big deal over something small.

There are a lot of ways that Buck’s childhood clings to him, weighs him down in the night when he’s alone with his thoughts, sneaks up on him in the middle of a shift and leaves him breathless. But, above all, there is this unshakeable belief that love is something earned, that affection is something he can only receive after pain. Logically, he knows that it isn’t true, he’s shown it isn’t true every single day.

But, his parents taught him that he had to be hurt to be seen, to be loved, and he doesn’t know how to get over that, especially when there’s a part of him that still believes it- that takes any sign of affection as a payment for his pain, that turns over in confusion when someone offers him love when he hasn’t done his penance to earn it.

He’s gotten better at it, years of therapy do eventually help wear away at the damage wrought. But, there’s still a small part of him that rejoices in his pain, knowing it will bring love. A quiet voice in the back of his head that has intertwined pain and affection so thoroughly, that one without the other feels lopsided, wrong.

continue on ao3

[bloodthinnerboi]

this haunting is inherited by bloodthinnerboy

Rating: Teen and Up Audiences

6,016 words, 2/2 chapters

Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply

Tags: Hurt/Comfort, Soft Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Domestic Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Bad Parent Margaret Buckley, Bad Parent Phillip Buckley, Evan "Buck" Buckley Character Study, Evan "Buck" Buckley Whump, intentionally reckless behavior, mostly in reference to buck begins, Evan "Buck" Buckley Has PTSD, Christopher Diaz Has Two Dads, Mutual Pining, Getting Together, First Kiss, Literal Sleeping Together, Fluff, mostly in the second half

Summary:

Buck is long used to nightmares by now. He is so often woken up with the taste of Eddie’s blood in his mouth, with gasping lungs as he screams for Christopher, with Chimney bleeding out in front of him and his sister missing. He even dreams of his childhood: of falling from trees, of broken bones, of sobbing alone in his room, confused and hurt. Buck is used to nightmares. Today was different.

~

a story about childhood trauma, healing, found family & buddie (obviously)

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Safe. Happy. Loved. by bloodthinnerboy

Rating: Teen and Up Audiences

4,181 words, 3/3 chapters

Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply

Tags: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Tommy Kinard Break Up, Endgame Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Jealous Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Tommy Kinard Bashing, not as much as i'd like tbh but this is bucks POV not mine, Therapy, Bisexual Evan "Buck" Buckley, Gay Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Getting Together, First Kiss, discussions of trauma, brief discussions of sex, Mutual Pining

Summary:

Eddie’s mouth opens, and closes and then opens again, his brain still short circuiting. Buck steps closer. “Ask me why I broke up with Tommy.” Eddie feels his lip curl at the name alone, and though he’s quick to straighten his expression, it clearly doesn’t go unnoticed. Buck huffs a laugh, stepping closer again. “God, you really didn’t like him.” [Or Buck works on his self worth, breaks up with Tommy, and confesses his love]