bluebasal - Tumblr blog

[bluebasal]

sitting here thinking, where did my life go and where is it going? i worked i think about 7 months. saved up enough. about to move. all alone. going to do what i wanted to all by myself. sadly i wanted it like this always, and thinking now, i’m just like damn, i have no one. i roll with it though, i mean i have to. if not, there’s no fulfilling for me. i’d have a hollow in my heart. i do miss my friends though. deeply. i don’t have them anymore, i mean i do, it’s just so different now i don’t even want to explain it. in this moment, i just want some love.

[bluebasal]

wish i could cry my eyes out

[bluebasal]

i cant pin point totally how i feel abt having two loved ones in my house that sometimes try to kill themselves in rooms above me. these times make me wish i had a gf, but then again the contrast that comes with that i dont know if i could bare along with what i just talked abt. these days.. i just want to learn the things that ive been so dying to learn. whether thats with music, to acting, to even learning how it feels to be away from ppl that do nothing but scare you. im scared of them but then again, i can be scared of myself too. im not sad, but, im not really happy either. theres not enough words. whyd we stop with shakespeare when it came to creating them. i guess its better to just feel, even when you dont want to.

[bluebasal]

sitting here thinking about what i want from the rest of this yr. wondering if i'll want it by time it comes. i think so more then i hope so in this moment. a new life, a new me, discovering parts of this earth i've never seen as well as parts inside of me i never knew existed. it's all worth while to me while we live her. i get it, death and the whole nothing matters and unknown talk. it's hard to not get a little depressing as i age bc of it. so i just sit and think of things i wanna do that'll make me feel alive and those things are discovering what's unknown to me that i'm so curious about. rly all a big experiment this life of mine. testing myself throughout it all. seeing what things are rly like and if i'm rly meant for them. following feels even if i don't understand them. looking up into the sky at night until i feel as if i'm there along the stars like when you look at your phone and everything around you disappears. admist it all trying to figure out what's right for me, as well as wrong. what i like and what i dislike. who i'm going to be considering what i won't become. gripping tightly on to the moments where i actually love myself for being so obsessed with some things. i'm a very obsessed person, i'm convinced. when i like something which rly is me loving it, nothing can keep me from doing so. rather being addicted to mirage sweet imagery in my mind then the things ppl usually get addicted to. i'm managing, for now, and for so on. realizing that some things that happened in life for me actually weren't from luck, but from my obsessive self obsessing over whatever i'm doing beyond. seems like i've been working with the devine order this whole time. it's rly easy, you just gotta take control. and so it goes.

[bluebasal]

still have the longest way to go

[bluebasal]

sometimes i get this feeling like i was born to be someone great, other times i make myself feel like i was born to be nothing but a hopeful friend.

[bluebasal]

above all the fear i have.. i am still going to try

[bluebasal]

When you are feeling really crazy about the thoughts you’ve been having about yourself, but at the same time itd feel wrong not to trust them

[bluebasal]

thinking the thing i thought i was meant for this whole time might be something not meant for me buries me. being born into this world not being able to first hand choose who you are, then wanting to become something but people to you that that isn't for you. i'm swirling and i hope i get it together.

[bluebasal]

my mind when days go by and it feels as if nothing at all has changed

[bluebasal]

shock value

[bluebasal]

the days i miss the most, being alone

[bluebasal]

Nothing has been more captivating to me than laying on your bed with you while Camp plays in the background on your bluetooth speakers in your apartment. You know, the second apartment you showed me. The one in downtown LA with the view of the city out the window along with the pool, and ping pong table underneath the patio. Your eyes glistening at me when you take them off of your phone. I didn’t mind though. You were showing me your favorite make up artists and letting me into your world. How could I mind? How could I forget?

[bluebasal]

During the storm

[bluebasal]

catch me if you can w Leo in it is the illest shit

[bluebasal]

i miss you. but i don't care. i want sex. but i don't need it. i love you. but i have to go. and i know where to. and i know how so. but it all depends if i decide to. i can say i will, i can say i won't, but only time and action will tell.

[bluebasal]

today i hate life. today i feel ashamed of all the time i’ve wasted. not bathing in the thoughts as much as i used to, but still bathing. no wait, i am bathing as much. wondering when i became a ghost. wondering what all went wrong. wondering where i will go from here. fixated on the fact that i’m still alone. still celibate. even though that’s not nearly as important as my other problems.. it’s still a factor. still albumless. movieless. app-less. webless, while caught in webs of my own. not wishing anymore, hoping for effort. hoping for a sudden change in this mind of mine. this mind that i wish i didn’t have at all at times. well, sometimes most times, and sometimes, sometimes. i still believe that my life is important though. from the thoughts i’ve had since a youngin. about how i just want to help people. people like me. people not like me. people that want to be other people. people. not for money either. well for money, but just enough to make bigger ideas become real life situations. reminds me of the idea of me falling in real life love with Kiko. day and night dreams to afraid to tell a soul. but they’re real. we all have these dreams and we only sometimes ever so often bring a minuscule amount of those dreams out to the universe and to others. it’s offending really to thyself. nobody matters more then you yourself. nobody’s thoughts, emotions, just everything. you matter. i matter. the same reason why i’m still holding on, still wandering while wondering, running and chasing. with that being said, my dreams are so;

help as many people as i can marry my dream girl do what i want when i want make my mom happy create everything to my exact loving win awards visit countries have a house have a daughter visit Mars