blventing

[blventing]

People will tell you “trust me, I’m not going anywhere” and then two days later never speak to you again with no explanation. Abandonment doesn’t even phase me anymore. Everyone else left why wouldn’t you.

[blventing]

7/28/2024

TW: Eating disorders, Panic attack?, Talk of past with partner system and "Abuser?", Forever box type talk, Self hate, Messed up parents talk...

If you dont wanna see that. Take a pretty picture and have great day

....Hymn... Of course... I did it again... Why was he here? I know he has the right... I cant stop him.. But... Still.. I didnt mean to... I promise i didnt mean to... I never do... Im sorry.... Im sorryy... I always do this... We started getting upset cause clothes didnt fit us cause were fat and that hurts sometimes... It hurts not being able to fit clothes you really like... We always feel so ugly and just wanna eat and ignore our brain but then we do eat and it hurts even more cause then its just... "This. This is why you cant fit your clothes fat pig....maybr if you stopped eating so damn much you would fit your favorite clothes again...."... So we try to stave ourselves but that only makes the eating everything worse...Our mom bought snacks and has the tendency to state we eat just to eat or we eat things just cause their there... Or that we eat to fast or to much...it fuckin hurts... I didnt mean to make them upset... I promise i never mean to.... They should just leave again... It was better when they were gone... They were happy.... I was able to avoid being here.... I didnt have to be here.... I hate being here...i cant breathe when im here... I hate it... Now i know he showed up cause I MESSED UP AGAIN and i cant stop my brain from wanting yo sob for the next three days... He is past it... Why cant i be...? Why cant i move on?...why? Why? Why? Why? Why?... Why cant i go back to being myself....? I miss who i was being Nil... I Dont care about name dropping at this point... I hope they find this.... I hope they see how fucked up they made me....but at the same time.... I... Feel like i was always like this.... That they didnt make me like this.....that they just showed how toxic i really was and put me in my place.... Nil broke me... Why cant i accept that?....Nil lied to both of us... She was a broken woman....why cant i see that? She doesnt deserve to be shown this.... She did... Nothing but point out my bullshit... Like now... Im pulling a pity party and blaming her for shut that is my fault.....right?....fuck....idk anymore... I cant handle it....i cant take it anymore i just wish i would disappear so the others dont have to deal with me.....

[blventing]

05/13/2024

TW: Repeating Words, Medical Problems, Neglect Of Medical Problems Talk

If you dont wanna see that. Take a picture and have a good day

Again

Again

Again

Again

Again

Again

Again

Again

Over

And

Over

And

Over

And

Over

And

Over

Everyday a new problem.

Everyday something else sets us off

Every

Single day

I'm tired of youll be fine.

The "it will get better"

Why can't we just vent without ut being advice?

Why can't we just not have people hate us for just trying to exist?

Over

And

Over.

Its driving up a wall.

I know theres nothing to do.

Theres nothing that will make it better.

12 days.

12.

And then i have to hope a doctor will give me more meds or that i can get to one in time...

Great..

[blventing]

10/11/2022 12 am

Tw: "Favorite person?" And Bipolar Talk

If you don't wish to see vents. Take a pretty image and have a good day

I can’t tell if what i’m feeling is just normal love of i’m obsessed or if they are just “my favorite person.” it’s not like i couldn’t live without them. I would be extremely sad if they disappeared…but it’s not like i would die. I know i would get over it eventually. I feel like i should look into bpd more…maybe it’s not osdd…maybe it’s bpd?…i feel like i need to spend a lot of time with them…that if i’m not with them who should i talk to. It was easier when i had more then two friends. Yeah theirs now and gg but they are friends more just people i talk with sometimes who flirt with me a lot.

[blventing]

10/9/2022 8 am

More positive vent but it was more likely us trying to manifest. Either eay take a gif anf have a nice day

It’s all finally coming together.

i’m going to a new school.

i’m getting a diagnosis for depression and adhd.

i’m getting therapy.

i’m starting to believe my friends and family actually want to be around me.

i’m getting closer to my family.

i’m getting better at art.

i found a clothing style i like.

im hanging out with my friends more.

i got a boyfriend who actually asked me out first.

life is good.

though there are still things i am not satisfied or happy about, i’m doing well.

[blventing]

08/12/2022 1 am

This one is small and not triggering still if you dont wanna see vents. Take a pretty gif and have a nice day

Im gonna use the gifts that were for lyn and caleb...They arent gonna use them and we can always make and/or buy them a new thing. Maybe it will help our mental health to keep a journal no one can read. If not that it might help with read and writing ender

[blventing]

08/12/2022 1 am

TW: ED, Depression, Self Deprecation, Talk Of Going Back To Bad Toxic People

If you don't wanna see a vent here take a pretty gif and have a nice day.

Honest the only thing that makes my brain feel ok nowadays is using this language, mc, the very little drawing i do, marvel, watching movies/shows, and some people on twitch. Thats about it. It seems like a lot to some but its nothing to me. Even with those it doesnt get rid of the super lonely feeling. Even when im around the people i used to never feel alone around i feel alone now. I feel selfish cause it shouldnt all be about me...I know it shouldnt but at the same time its like its never about me. Its always about others. Always. Thats fucked up isnt? i shouldnt want things to be about me. I shouldnt feel like im alone just cause they arent pay attention to me for a dat or two. Thats fucked up. I shouldnt care this much. I should want to die just cause someone isnt near me. I feel like ive made these people my whole life....To be honest...I kinda did....Only cause without them im no one....Thats even more fucked isnt it? i cant vent to them...I cant tell anyone...Its not about me....Storm is the one we should be worried about. He is the one going through shit not us...So why do i feel so upset?...Why do i feel like this? im overthinking. Im working myself up. Im doing this on purpose arent i? i...I wanna tell him...I wanna tell him how upset i am...I wanna tell him how upset everthing thats happening makes me....But he wont understand. He wont not cause he hasnt gone through it but because he will say he is going through it. He will relate anything i say back to him...I dont want that...It just makes me feel like what i an feeling is nothing compared to his....Like im just overreacting...Sorry....I like typing like this...It makes me feel like no one will know what im saying. Like i dont have to worry about writing the wrong thing. Like no matter what i wont have someone snooping around in my things...Its nice to know i dont have to worry about something for once...I wanna go back to seric...He was so bad for us but i feel like i can vent to him...Like he will understand...Thats not a good thing....My stomach feel like shit...I dont know if thats cause we havent eaten for like most of the day or if we worked ourselves up and now our stomach is taking the punch...I hope its cause we havent eaten...

[blventing]

08/12/2022 12 am

TW: Self deprecation.

If you don't wish to see it. Take a pretty picture and have a good day (Picture/s are not mine)

I know it’s selfish. But right now I swear it feels like everyone around me has just left. Doesn’t care or just doesn’t want to be around me. I know someone else around me is going through a lot and is mentally and physically and emotionally drained and i want so desperately to feel bad and try to help but it feels like they are avoiding me. They made plans right in front of me for the further and didn’t even include me. They will say i’m jealous if i say i’m upset about them dating someone new but that’s not it. I’m upset. Not jealous. I don’t wanna be them and i’m not upset cause they are taking their time. I’m upset cause i know once they find someone to replace me they will leave. They already are. They said they wouldn’t but it’s already happening. Not only that if i show any of that i will just end up being the asshole. It’s why i have gone back to just saying i don’t car and that it’s fine. My mom pointed it out recently. Which is surprising cause she doesn’t do that often. I hate it. I feeling like i need to stop caring but i know if i did and if i felt these feelings i would not only fuck up my life but also just be an over all dick to everyone. I don’t want that. I never did. I'm most likely just overthinking things as normal but it makes a lot of sense. I feel like i don't belong here anymore. Even when im here its like i'm not. Like no one sees me...They only talk to each other and when i do say something its like its the wrong thing to say...Or like no one hears me...I don't care to much at this point. At least i shouldn't again maybe i'm just overthinking it. Maybe everything's fine and its just the overthinking and depression kicking in

[blventing]

Hi, Herez a brief introduction to us. Our collective name is Valen (short for Valentino), BlackLight or Riot. Just depends on what you are feelin.

We are diagnosd with Bipolar disorder, psychosis, Depression and two types of Anxiety; which affects us a bit more heavily than the doctors know. We also are more then likely a system. (BPD or UDD) Its self diagnosed but we understand if thats the wrong diagnosis (if a doctor tells me. Not someone on something like insta.)

We also are "self diagnosed" (didnt get a doctors say but are pretty sure we have them) with:

ADHD

Autism

Kleptomania

One or two eating disorder

Bpd (Bipolar Personality Disorder)

Heres a few triggers we know are gonna pop up at some point:

Eating disorders

Repeated words

Really descriptive wording

Sexual topics and images

Graphic topics and images (possible SH pics)

Vent art

Anyway take a pretty car gif and a pretty song

Have a good day!

[blventing]

.....Thank you for your consideration....