bones-arent-real

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shorthands for dumbassery that i have grown to love deeply

"how dare you say we piss on the poor" in response to someone misinterpreting your post

"_ isnt gonna fuck you" for suck up behavior

"woah. should we tell everyone? should we throw a party?" for who the fuck cares

"and what if the world was made of pudding" for when would this ever matter.

"and sharks are smooth both ways" for a group of people heatedly arguing with 1 guy who is fucking with them all

".. but its about a witch in the alps finding her lost cat" for someone trying to sanitize something to the point of absurdity

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tell me something soft

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so i wore a pride flag pin to work the other day and the kids were all interested (obviously) (find me a classroom of preschoolers who are not obsessed with rainbows) (i'll wait) so they crowded around to see.

"aww!" they said, "it's a flag!!"

but the thing is: they're little. a lot of them don't really have a handle on all their mouth sounds yet.

such as, notably, that tricky tricky "L" sound.

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Happy pride month to my dad. When I came out as bi to him, this man googled what it ment, look at me and said "ohh. Yeah. You get that from me. You'd have far more siblings of I only shaged women." And went right back to his work emails.

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The problem with playing smash or pass is that there's a lot of characters which I'm not sexually attracted to but I would fuck in a heartbeat out of sheer curiosity and ego, like I don't find Mickey Mouse attractive at all but if he approached me at a bar and went "Hey sexy, want me to show you my mouseketool?" I would say yes because then I get to tell my friends I fucked Mickey Mouse

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I love talking with neurotypical people about my executive dysfunction because I'm like "yeah there's this invisible wall in my head that I'm incapable of getting past no matter what I do and it stops me from doing things" and they're like what the actual fuck

Meanwhile other neurodivergents are like

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I must explain to my American followers. Follow me on this thought experiment.

Read these questions. You do not need to answer, just read them.

Who is the current head of government of Ethiopia?

Are they a king, queen, president, prime minister, dictator, or tsar?

Are they generally liked or generally disliked by their people? Why?

Are they seen as conventionally attractive?

What was their most recent scandal?

What’s a weird outfit they��ve worn while in office?

What are their interior design preferences?

Has anyone tried to assassinate them? How many times?

What’s their favourite food?

Does Ethiopia have a national anthem?

What are the top 3 most iconic symbols of Ethiopia?

What’s the most prevalent religion in Ethiopia?

What are 5 Ethiopian TV series?

What languages are spoken in Ethiopia?

What are 5 Ethiopian celebrities?

Can you draw the Ethiopian flag?

What are 5 rights or privileges granted to citizens of Ethiopia?

What structure do Ethiopian school systems follow?

What are 5 Ethiopian foods?

What are 5 Ethiopian exports?

What countries are allied with Ethiopia?

What is one topic in Ethiopia that you are more educated on than in America?

What are 3 Ethiopian stereotypes?

Does Ethiopia have States, Provinces, or neither?

Where is Ethiopia’s government capital?

What currency is used in Ethiopia?

What animal is the Ethiopian symbol? Do they have one?

What is Ethiopia’s ethnic majority?

Who was their first government leader of Ethiopia? What is an interesting fact about them?

Who has Ethiopia gone to war against? Why?

Can you name 3 wars Ethiopia was involved in?

Can you name 3 Ethiopian women famous for their beauty?

What is the current Ethiopian political climate?

What areas of Ethiopia are considered rural or urban?

Can you name 3 major Ethiopian landmarks?

Can you name 3 Ethiopian amusement parks?

Can you name 3 Ethiopian national parks?

Can a civilian openly carry a gun in Ethiopia?

At what age can a person begin drinking Alcohol in Ethiopia?

What is the age of consent in Ethiopia?

Can you name 3 infamous Ethiopian criminals?

Can you name 3 Ethiopian comedians?

What was the most recent major natural disaster to hit Ethiopia?

Is Ethiopian culture as a whole generally considered more conservative or more progressive than your own?

Roughly how much money goes into the Ethiopian military budget? Millions or billions?

What are the staple crops in Ethiopia?

What is something that was invented in Ethiopia?

Who are 3 famous Ethiopian businessmen?

What are 5 wildly popular Ethiopian musicians?

What was one viral fashion trend among Ethiopian youth?

If you could correctly answer around 40 of these, then congratulations! That is what every other English speaker feels like living in proximity to America

That is the extent to which American media leeches into everything

Yes, it is weird

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I think 50 shades of grey did so much damage to BDSM writing in fic and like not because I think fic writers were taking inspiration from it, but we did get a lot of detailed explanatory posts about all the different ways in which those guys were Doing It Wrong, which is not in and of itself a bad thing but since then everybody got so hung up on making sure everybody in their fics was nothing like 50 shades of grey and actually demonstrates that yes I do understand the principles of safe sane and consensual and the traffic light system and safewording and aftercare and checking in that now everybody fucks like a 101 handbook and I think we've only just recently started to recover from it. love me a dynamic where it's two repressed freak idiots who accidentally invent BDSM all on their own and have to come up with the strangest most deeply harmful ways of navigating that situation

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So last month I got hit by a car and died right. Which I didn't initially realize until I watched some guy haul my body into his pickup and drive off. Which, being that it's deep in rural Michigan, I assume means my body will make some venison jerky and maybe some wall decoration, and I'll be resigned to being one of hundreds of deer ghosts floating around Saginaw, which is w/e. But then I find out the guy works at a taxidermy shop or something, and he's actually pretty good at stuffing and mounting deer carcasses, which I come to find out when I find myself face to face with my old body in the shop window. So naturally, I figure since ghosts need to possess something to interact with the living world and etc etc etc the most logical thing to do is to possess my own body, since it's basically a statue of myself. And a little surprisingly, it actually fits like a glove. Like, since it's my body, it feels like stepping right back into place. So I get out of town and back to my herd, eventually. And that's where the trouble starts coming into it, because after I get settled again, I don't know how to explain to everyone else what feels so weird. Like since I can move my body and do everything I used to do, it's functionally the same, like nothing happened. Or it SHOULD be, so I don't know how to explain how it's NOT. But it's just hard to explain it to someone who's never been hit by a truck I guess

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i should only be charged a symbolic amount of 10 cents for my groceries because i have kind eyes and my intentions are pure

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I love how these are from an Unreality subreddit but to my eye they just read like regular Tumblr shitposts. Did we cross-pollinate or something

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they should invent an apartment that has huge windows but is never too hot and is near everything i like and all my friends but is also quiet when i want it to be and costs zero dollars or perhaps they pay me to live in. and they save it just for me so i dont have to look for it :)

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"But that ship is toxic and problematic" okay ❤️ yay ❤️

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let's dink oiter with mama 🥺

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I was made to love you, and yet,

Inspired by this observation by a friend:

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Check out my ongoing comic Crow Time. It has crows, and also neat pantheons of epic beasties.