boodicc

[boodicc]

gonan do it? gonna fucking do it you fuckin pussy huh gonna fucken do it??? if not go the fuck to sleep stop trying to act like ur ;A; im so depressed!! i have Issues!!! piece of shit ur pathetic cunt djjfkf dumb bitch dumb Bitch!!! dumb Bitch you worthless oxygen waster djfkdkkdd energy reducer waste of space youre so,,,,, fucken pathetic,,,, whiny,,,,,,,, fucker,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, lmao ur so fucken whiny,,,,,,!2$,&,&&,&

[boodicc]

just go to fucken sleep if youre nto gonna kil your fuckin self ya dumb ass bitch sjjdkdkdkdjfjf why are you still on your phone ya dumb bitchhhh (bc dying bad????!!!!) oh yeah?????? oh fucken yea thats what YOU like tot hink hmm. but yeah dying bad. ww are programed to not die. so thats why ur against dying bc thats what ur built to do mainly but guess what you meaninglisess dumb bitch of a cunt youre

either gonna die. or ur gonna shut the fuck up and suck it up and go the fuck to sleep you dumv fucking bitch. stab yourself in the head, eat some glass who gives a shit. you have a knife who use that fucking knife. you can try hanging urself again lmfmao fuck !!! fuck!!!! what are you doing?!!?!? what the fuck are you doungbd djdjdjdndkfkdkjjsjjfjcikkskdkfkjfjfjfjf jesus christ you really thought u can go on w your life pretendin like everythings good n dandy when ur a fucking waste of space dkdkfkfidjjdfjjdjffjjdjdduidjdjfjdjdkjdjfkd god you dont even fucking hold a conversation if you just die no one would notice and even if they do how easy is it to act as a random fucken,,,, What do you even fucken do ya useless fuck dkfkdoodkdf god youre a dumv fuvtd gdimg dumb hutch humbdb bitchhhhbdjficjf gckckkkckgnbfjfkf ur Gross!!! ur Disgostibg!!!!!!!!!! YOu NEED to DIE you pussie skdkdkfkkdf why are you so lazy ur just lying there go stab urself in the gut

[boodicc]

i wanna dieeeee djjdjdkdkd i wanna die!!!! i wanna die i wanna die i wanana die i wanna die i wanna die robots sucks i wanna die i wanna die!!!! i!!!!!! wanna die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! fuck fuck fuck i wanna jjjjnndn nnnnnnnnnnhhhhhhhhbbnnnnnnnnnbbhhhhhhhhhhhbbbbbbbbbbbnnnnnbggggffvvbbbjjjhggnjhjjjjj im so tired im so tired idk what am doing anymore what the fuck am i doinggg,,, what am i doing,,,,,, what am i doing whatvam i doing,,, even doing,,,, i dont care. about uni. i dont care. i dony ca r r r r r r e e e e e r r r r r r d r f f d f d d d f f f f f d f f f fnnnnnfnfnfnfnnfnfnfnfnnnnfnnnf f f f nf

why. do i try so hard to sqqueeze myself into the person i will never be. im so tired. im tired!!!!!!!!!! tired i keep thinking of Really Graphic things big knives big big scaplds like i did wanna die by aphyxiatoon bc that lady who told my fortune i might. die of aphysiciajnsn vut like. knife. i jave kniqfw i have a knife and hangin totally didjy work it suxked. i pussied out of co poisoning tho i got all the stuff lmaohdvsjsjbdjnsjsjjdjjdj hm. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. see dying is bad, right. bad mmm. and like literally every single People/Self Help resources say right

if you are suicidal Tell Someone! vut no, bc theyll stop me, n that means i didnt really wanna fuckin die huh im just a Faker then huh i m a pussy huh,,,, so I gotta. Prove it somehow. gotta break this fucking neck gotta vreaaaaaaka this fuckingvneck im such,,,,,, an insufferable scum,,,,,,,, im so disgusting as a person. im literally the most. unnecessary existence. as me. as Real Me. not the me i wanna be or the me that i try to be. I Am at the Core the most bug squashed on windshield motherfucker

[boodicc]

a bit depressed rn

just like, an inch

im probably just a tad overworked/stressed or smth idk but like......... ok.......... now to deal w this before it spirals out of control i am feeling. uncomfortable. on the inside. not at ease. hmmmm. i keep getting spurts of energy and excitement then i crash back down right after into The Pit. i did a couple of fun things tho.... i drew some art that i like, i started a doll customizing project, i grabbed my dolls, theyre all up here in my room with me now (the big ones at least) played minecraft for a little bit, but then i got this sense of like. strained. boredom. like i really wanna play but i just wasnt. into it. i keep closing the game, then restarting the game, and playing different instances/worlds instead of just sticking to the one i just started

tbh my heads just all over the place all the time

was gonna stim to some music but i didnt find my headphones, then got distracted w my cat, then now im in my room...... i showered and washed my face tho... drank water, ate dinner,,,,,,,,, gotta go brush my teeth now

im just guessing a lot is happening and im just drained,,, but idk how to fill my energy back up?? like idw to do anything, idw to talk to anyone,,, (this is like depression 101) i did take my meds so im Aight in that aspect but i just feel

overal

bad

inadequate

which isnt News tbf this is the staple and core of all boof’s intrusive thoughts

i keep getting borderline suicidal intrusive thoughts and just general bad things (nobody likes u, they will forget abt you, you wont be missed etc yknow typical shit) and im just., actively going “naaaaaaah ur just having a Moment you’re a relatively decent person” in my head and trying to Not Dwell on it but it keeps coming back anyways

i 

dunno why im getting moodswings. change in diets? bad weather? stress? 

also not to be Concerning but my Vvvvvvery lowkey psychosis symptoms are slightly more prominent these past couple of days. ik i said i love my dolls and theyre pretty but i. dunno why. i feel that theyre alive. and that scares me more than like “ooooo theyre evillll” bc theyre not theyre just. not what sanity accepts and that scares me. I feel like they’re Sentient but I know they’re not. theyre just. objects. objects that i adore yes. but theyre not alive. but i feel like they have a Presence almost and theyre Watching Me, Judging, seeing how Good I can Be. like if i dont pat them im a bad owner. and then i keep getting flashes of really uneasy images in my mind and its. 

not fun

theyre not gory or anything but theyre unexplainably. off-putting. in an eldritch, incomprehensible way. like No Thanks Brain I dont need pop up screamers in my own head akjndkjnsjkndsknajdk

and Once Again, not To Be Too Concerning, but like. i might or might not have attempted to hang myself in my closet once, right. i feel like i might catch a glimpse of me in there if i look too long or smth. idw to really talk abt it much, bc im getting cold sweats rn, but its heebeejeebies man. im kinda dizzy, things swimmin a bit, i feel like im in one of those filters where it makes the whole vidya wobble.............

deeeeeep inhale. dont wanna. dwell on it too much. i think ill sleeb. keep myself comfortable and safe n wat not. theres not much to do other than wait this out and try to take it easy i suppose. a bit of a mental flu/cold KJNJKSNKJNDJKSNKJDN

[boodicc]

i feel like such a dumbass. like im almost aggressively pissed at myself. like o'd fucken. beat my dumbass up in the pit. i feel like such horrible shitty meat sack like

how am i allowed to be alive JSKDKDS big yikes @ me BIGGG yikes

im getting a combination of the like. spiralling intrusive thoughts and just the repetitive abgry "smash ur face in u fucken dumbass shitstain ur vermin on this earth u vile fuck" and then im just like "woah chill dkfkelf im gonna sleep now stfu"

[boodicc]

more intrusive thoughst despacito

i want my head crushed in

i mildly wanna die. not enough to actually like. act on it. im still all goods man, but i feel like

the closet door

is staring at me

SKDKDKD i am almost directly opposite to the walk in closet that i tried to hang myself in once and sometime i feel like i can see myself in it and like that boof is just gonna look me dead in the eye and be like

this couldve been u

i dunno

im gonna go close the closet

[boodicc]

intrusive thoughts cebtral

i feel like slittin me throat and lying underwater

scummiest scum of all scum

rip off all my nails and eat it for the extra Crongch

[boodicc]

tomorrow is my physics exam and friday is my maths exam

both are not graded so it’s chill............... i think..........

i dont feel like studying. i dont have a real reason why but I am procrastinating.

to go study, i would have to get out of bed, go to grab my materials, then come back to bed. 

perks: i will feel better before the exam, i will score better, i will feel better in general as i finished a goal

cons: i have to summon Activation Energy in order to get out of bed. I think i can though.

it’s 9:53 am, i will write a plan until 10, then set forth to study 

i will reward myself at the end of revision with replying to messages and fucking around on discord

[boodicc]

i drank a big jug of self improvement

[boodicc]

technically we’re ALL, always LARPing, because the Self is only a construct,

[boodicc]

its 4:55 am. I woke up later than i would have liked and im still tired but that's alright. There is still plenty of time to do some quick revision. im still so sleepy. i want more sleep but i have to do some studying

its 5:00. i dozed off a bit

i m gonna get up. get changed, and wash ny face+use some eyedrops

[boodicc]

it is now 9:21

i have set an alarm for 3:30 am because I feel like more time is needed. I think I can manage since the exam is only in the morning. I can sleep in the afternoon

i will come here and write something tmr. right now I will go and wash up -> change out of clothes, brush teeth, go sleep

tomorrow boof: try to keep calm. focus on thermodynamics and aqueous system. organics sucks and you dont like it anyways. do the easy questions to ensure the pass first. remember keywords. try some questions. all your resources has been printed out.

remember to put batteries in your calculator and get a clear bag for your exam items

[boodicc]

i am feeling a bit anxious

i really wanted to do well on my exams but didnt end up studying as much as i shouldve. i got distracted, i procrastinated and i didn't follow my plans

now I feel like I'm gonna flunk the stuff and the bars set higher for me bc everyone thinks im kinda smart. so I am nervous. i know my general reaction to things are rather extreme:

i fail > teacher dissapointed > teacher thinks im scum and a waste of oxygen

hence im antsy over things that are relatively small and meaningless in the grand scheme of things.

my courses of action are:

go to sleep -> wake up early -> try get as much done as possible

fact: i am someone who grasps things rather quickly so i still might have a chance

fact: if I fail it doesnt mean much because it is only mocks aka it doesnt count to my total grade

fact: im not less as a person if i fail. others might feel dissapointed but i can always do better in the real exams

fact: its now 9:15 pm, i can wash up in about 10 minutes, try get some sleep and wake up at 5 - 5:30 maybe. My exam starts at 9 am, I have to be ready by 8:30 and leave the house at 7:30. So around 2 hours to cram. It's now 9:19 pm

[boodicc]

if boof true self is her wanna be boof then yeah

i guess im sorta valid

sjsjsjs

[boodicc]

is this why im constantly scared of being Exposed like ik what my knee jerk reactions are and if you want pure boof w no filter ur gonna be lookin at someone Much Different and Very Not Valid

i guess i cant be truly a hundred percent 'myself' in the sense that i will spill my thoughts and say whatevet i think whenever bc

boiyo

does that not go well

and i dont wanna be a dick? like wild i know but i do wanna be someone loveable and not like. shitty roadkill. but i'm still shitty roadkill on the inside ya know like at SOME POINT... MY UGLY HEAD WILL POKE ITSELF OUT.... LIKE IM GONNA HAVE A #MOMENT and it will just show. what a dicktwat i really am. i just think my fronds are Tricked and falsely thibking im wholesome whrn im trash. i mean im doing my best and im therapy-ed and im medicated and what not.............

hm

actually im having an epiphany

[boodicc]

biscuit came over and sit on my tummy after my sad ramble ;A;

[boodicc]

i talked to the beighbour i was really scared of bc he doesnt like the dogs barkin and hes actually pp chill

idk why i keep thinking he'd come over and shoot the dogs or smth or like murder us all KDKDKSLKDNENDFJD hashtag paranoia hashtag intrusive thoughts