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on love arriving unannounced

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- leonard cohen

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somewhere along the oregon coast

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Moon in the 1st House: Personal inner mother, mother among/of warriors

Moon in the 2nd House: Mother dragon of the castle or hoard, sugar momma

Moon in the 3rd House: Mother of the schoolhouse or library

Moon in the 4th House: MOTHER

Moon in the 5th House: Rave or party mom

Moon in the 6th House: Work mom, mom archetype in a clinic/hospital, or momma of a lot of animals

Moon in the 7th House: Stereotypical mom, the "mom" dynamic in comparison to or compliments a father, mom that's there for other moms, when two moms team up

Moon in the 8th House: Mother sorceress, sacred mother

Moon in the 9th House: An abbess, mother superior, the pastor's wife, a mother among/to scholars, the sorority mom

Moon in the 10th House: Work mom, your TV mom, expert mom

Moon in the 11th: Mother of her friends, friend group, sorority, or community

Moon in the 12th House: Spiritual mother, inner mother, divine mother, mother's intuition

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George Nakashima House

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Ellsworth Kelly, Green from the series Line Form Color, 1951

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''Little Red Riding Hood'', 1895

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what I call self-love ♡

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Ralph Steadman, ''Human Identity in the Urban Environment'' ed. by Gwen Bell & Jaqueline Tyrwhitt, 1972

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CMAT on THE GRAHAM NORTON SHOW

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Friday Feeling

I am missing you today, but now when I miss you, I miss you in a different way. It feels almost like a pleasant sensation, like a low drum playing under the planes of my feet. It feels like remembering a city I had not visited in a very long time, or like a friend what I loss contact with, or like missing my grandma who is dead; it no longer feels like a craving, like I am missing a drink at the end of a Friday evening. Missing you now is more like the gentle crash of waves at the beach, it comes and it goes but I don't feel compelled to throw myself in the water. It feels good not being addicted. I love you now in a weird kind of love that I cannot name yet. I hope it will get easier and more nameable with time. It's beginning to not hurt, it's beginning to not hurt talking about you or thinking about you, now, when I do, I hope that you are happy and that you have found you'd been looking for. 

Today, I went to the health centre to get my third shot for Hepatitis. There were a line of people waiting to vaccinate their kids, and among them there was this little boy, age between 5 and 7, that looked just like you. He was sitting beside his mum, eating from a pack of crackers, he was wearing a Pokémon t-shirt and Crocs. I looked at him possibly for longer than it was considered appropriate to eye a stranger's kid, and I thought: "Huh, God really doesn't have a sense of humour".  

I was going through some old notes from my diaries, and I found a list I made last year of all the things I no more enjoyed since our "break-up", and I was surprised to notice that for many items of the list it does not apply anymore. It's a shorter list now. I remember, 2024 was a darn challenging year, I went to a lot of parties, and usually I would get so drunk that I wouldn't remember how I came back home, it hasn't happened in a long time. Last time I went out with friends, I actually came back walking and sober. 

 It's not easy. I still feel that I need to drink every weekend without a miss, there's this "Friday Feeling", as I'd like to call. It's a way of compensation for when I used to drink any day of the week and only get smashed on weekends. In those days, instead of a bottle of wine or a couple of beers, a bottle of cheap whiskey or Rockies' gin would accompany me. I miss those days. I miss those days in a similar way to the way I used to miss you. 

I long admitted to myself that meeting friends was just an excuse to drink. Because drinking alone is depressing and nobody likes depressing. Sometimes I get this urge for a drink that comes from nowhere in particular, I know my triggers, stressful situations and spaces full of people, except, that sometimes I am just by myself at home and I get this "Friday Feeling" out of the blue, even if it's a Tuesday. It's been coming less often now. I'm still scared I might lose control, though. 

Alcohol still is the longest relationship I had in my life, and the only one that never disappointed me. I don't know how many times I had repeated his phrase in therapy sessions over the years. I know also, that alcohol must deceive me to the point that I think it is my only source of genuine pleasure, because often a drink feels like a warm hug, it feels like the mother I never had. I do have a mother, however, and I actually enjoy going to the supermarket with her and having a conversation in the car, even if I don't think I will ever be able to say everything that's in my head to her. I enjoy cooking, even it all my cakes fail, everybody still eats them. I enjoy going for long walks listening to music. I enjoy talking on the phone with my friend about pop music; I enjoy drinking on the highway at sunset;  I enjoy watching makeup tutorials; I enjoy pretending I have read the books my friend screenshot for me; I enjoy watching movies on my own before going to bed; I enjoy having a cup of coffee with my brother at 5 p.m. while he quotes the news. And I enjoy being a writer, I feel more confident in my own creation this time. I enjoy that my works feels mine, only mine, even if it doesn't allow me a living. 

Slowly, I realise that the seasons has changed yet one more time, and summer is gone, and with it I learn that I don't miss drinking all that much, not like I used to. I also don't miss you all that much, not like I used to.  - Gabe L. Alódio

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photos of mitski i pulled from my archive & revisited today 🦦

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Damn FedEx