boooo

[boooo]

When I have a recollection of you, for instance, I remember you as you were in the concrete We-relationship with me. I remember you as a unique person in a concrete situation, as one who interacted with me in the mode of "mutual mirroring". I remember you as a person vividly present to me with a maximum of symptoms of inner life, as one whose experiences I witnessed in the actual process of formation. I remember you as one whom I was for a time coming to know better and better. I remember you as one whose conscious life flowed in one stream with my own. I remember you as one whose consciousness was continuously changing in content. However, now that you are out of my direct experience, you are no more than my contemporary, someone who merely inhabits the same planet that I do. I am no longer in contact with the living you, but with the you of yesterday. You, indeed, have not ceased to be a living self, but you have a "new self' now; and, although I am contemporaneous with it, I am cut off from vital contact with it. Since the time we were last together, you have met with new experiences and have looked at them from new points of view. With each change of experience and outlook you have become a slightly different person. But somehow I fail to keep this in mind as I go about my daily round. I carry your image with me, and it remains the same. But then, perhaps, I hear that you have changed. I then begin to look upon you as a contemporary—not any contemporary, to be sure, but one whom I once knew intimately.

The Structure of the Social World, Alfred Shütz

[boooo]

Sometimes I feel I spend most of my days swamped in work, adult responsibilities, chores, social stuff, attempts of a healthy life and a bunch of musts and should-do’s. With less and less time for those late night activities I enjoy so much. For that part of the day I enjoy the most. With more silence and loneliness. With time to be with myself and my thoughts. To get stuck watching videos about stuff I’m obsessed with and stupid talk shows. Maybe read a novel and expand my ability to imagine vividly.  Discover new underground movies, old movies, art cinema movies. Have a TV show marathon. Play music. Write music. Record and edit music. Lay on the roof to watch the sky and feel like a speck of dust in the universe. Wonder about life. Try to picture my future and my past. Go over situations that I could’ve handle differently. And then feel bad about myself and write about it. Write, write and write a little bit more.

I miss the feeling of becoming deeper and adding more layers to my being. I miss getting some time to get to know me a little bit better every day. Time to expand my soul and inner world.

[boooo]

The skin I live in

I feel her pain as my own. I cry her tears with a deep soaking sorrow. ‘Cause I’m stroke with a feeling of abandonment. A let down.

My mind goes back, over and over again, to the simplest idea: they’re supposed to be there, no matter what. They’re the ones to have her back.

Can’t they see how much damage are they making? How much are they missing out? That time slips away and never comes back? Can’t they see the unfairness of it all?

Sometimes I’m afraid trust is so broken that it can’t be mended anymore. I want to have hope, but the shadows get to me sometimes.

Is it time to fly away from home? Is it time to let go?

~ does she know that we bleed the same? ♫

[boooo]

Swallow the silence Choke on the words Blow out the candles With all that you learned

Bury the hatchet Under your tears We'll run with the shadows 'til we disappear

~ a bit of a soundtrack for this slow paced weekend. Just to remember.

[boooo]

It’s scary when everything lines up. When you finally reach the things you’ve been chasing after. It’s as if everything was building up for this moment for a long time. But what comes next? When you peak, you can only go down. Sometimes I can’t help but to feel some sort of uncertainty. 'Cause I know sometimes it takes only a second to lose it all. Just the blink of an eye. Things tend to be perishable and that’s pretty scary. I know there’re are still projects. Things to come. Ways to grow and move forward. But still. Everything’s so good right now, that I’m afraid to screw it.

Can I just close my eyes and hold my breath, to keep everything intact?

[boooo]

After a year, “hopeful” and “proud” are the only two words remaining.

Now we can dream big. Now we can reborn.

[boooo]

And then comes a better countdown.

T minus nine.

[boooo]

Quarantine | Day #156 | 01:56 am Are we there yet?

[boooo]

Quarantine | Day #136 | 3:22 am.

Things ain’t getting easier. 

I’m getting more frustrated by the day. 

I’m feeling more trapped in the circumstances by the hour.

[boooo]

Quarantine  |  Day #97  |  3:00 am

Second night in a row not being able to sleep because of my cluttered thoughts.

[boooo]

O u t r a g e d S a d H o p e f u l W o r r i e d S h o c k e d C o n f u s e d D e t e r m i n e d R e s t l e s s A n x i o u s A f r a i d V i s c e r a l P o w e r l e s s P r o u d O u t s i d e r H o m e s i c k

[boooo]

Tikanga (principles of Māori life)

- Manaakitanga (to care for a person’s “mana” (well-being, in a holistic sense): extend “aroha” (love and compassion) to others. It is found in acts such as helping a loved one, encouraging one another or even supporting a complete stranger.

- Kaitiakitanga (guardianship or caregiving): the earth is a “taonga” (gift) from our ancestors, and should be protected as such. We are “kaitiaki” (guardians) of the sky, land and sea. 

- Kotahitanga (togetherness): identifying as one – sharing the earth, extending our “āwhina” (support) to everyone, and receiving the same back.

[boooo]

Isn’t it weird how we shape our lives? Isn’t it weird how small and big decisions make us go into different directions? Get to know a place instead of another? Tangle our lives with certain people? Have specific experiences?

I think of myself, I don’t know, two years ago and I wonder how did I get here. I never pictured us living in Denmark. Neither in New Zealand. I never even thought about getting to know any of these countries. They weren’t in my bucket list at all and yet, here we are...

And I can’t help but to wonder, why did we have to cross paths with such terrible people? Do bad experiences have any purpose at all? Are we meant to go through tough stuff like this for a reason or they’re just consequences of our decisions, our actions? Action and reaction. As simple as physics laws. Is there such a thing as karma? And if it is so, what did we ever do to deserve it?

Even though I’m a self-proclaimed very rational person, I’m also a being of faith. I do believe and I do hope. I believe in purpose. I believe in reasons. I believe that things don’t happen randomly just because. And my hope is that this happened because of something bigger and greater. So far everything has been a bit under our expectations, I must say... and it’s not easy to admit you don’t feel happy, or complete, or good, cause in a way, it’s admitting you failed, specially when you’re putting so much effort and positive energy into things to make them work. But I also choose to think that the things coming ahead of us are good. I know everything will take a turn and we’ll find our way. That things will fall into their place. I know failure is a part of the whole and that the important part is passing through, getting to the other side of it, together, as a team.

And, in the meantime, we can use to learn a few things about trusting, letting our plans go and leaping into the uncertainty.

[boooo]

And all we have, in the end, are the choices we make.

Naomi Alderman, Disobedience

[boooo]

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about legacy. The mark we leave in the world. The difference we make. The lives we touch.

It started a couple of months ago, when I saw a classmate from college leading a huge feminist movement back in Chile. I felt so proud, but I also had mixed feelings, cause I couldn’t help asking myself what am I doing in the meantime. We’re from the same city, we’re the same age, we have the same academic formation, yet she’s fully committed in a huge cause, passionate, giving it all, investing it all. Leaving a huge mark nation wise. And me? I’m just working and traveling. All for my own sake.

Then I started to be obsessed with GOT and Arya Stark, hence Maisie Williams. I started to listen some interviews, check her on the social media, watched her TED talk and her late interview with this american guy, talking about herself and opening about her insecurities. Giving such a strong an inspirational speech. And it brought me to the same questioning. She has such a strong legacy at such short age. She could have kept it simple and shallow, being famous because of GOT and relying on that, just feeding her actress’ career and building that path, but instead she chose to make an app, and a podcast, and be part of environmental initiatives... and just try to make a difference around her.

And, at the counterpart, I see some people surrounding me making their whole lives about traveling, or having a house, or a family, or a car, or even a successful career. Which is what I’m supposed to do as well. What’s “socially expected”. But I don’t know. Is that enough? Can I settle with that? Does that count as a valid legacy? Does it have any impact? And I mean, I don’t expect to do something HUGE or be famous, or to lead a big thing... but am I changing anything at all around me? At least with the closest ones? Am I setting and example of which I’m proud of? Am I leaving an actual mark? If I were to die next week, would I be proud of the life I lived?

I feel like I still don’t find my vocation. Or my purpose. And I’m so confused, cause I have all of these plans for when we go back home. But I know they don’t truly fulfil this “hole” I have. I know it doesn’t answer all of my questions. I know I have no wholeness nor peace when it comes to thinking about “my legacy”. It doesn’t really meet what I expect from myself.

Is this the inflection point? Is this when I’m supposed to make a good choice and change paths? How am I supposed to find out where should I head next? Where can I find that passion I lack?

[boooo]

(Extra)ordinary

How does it feel to wake up every day in a fortress-city, looking at the Adriatic sea? – I wonder. Or what echoes inside of you for the rest of the day when you hear the water falling from the falls of Plitvice every morning? What are the colours that you remember after catching the hungarian parliament on your way back home, when the sun is going down and they turn all the lights on?

Do the eyes tire from seeing and the ears from hearing? Are human beings doomed to lose their ability to be amazed? Does everything become ordinary at some point?

I think it does.

The good thing about being in the other side of the world is that, at some point, you learn again how breathtaking is to have a glance of the Andes mountains full of snow every winter.

Ordinary things can become extraordinary again. We just need some perspective.

[boooo]

Det er en dansk ting

No usar cortinas. Creer sinceramente que un pan partido en dos + toppings es un almuerzo nutritivo. No usar Whatsapp. Usar velas. Creer que los cubre-plumones son reemplazo suficiente de las sábanas. Tener reina. Tener mil formas de dar las gracias. Estar obsesionados con lo cosy que son las cosas. Aprovechar los panoramas outdoors apenas se da la oportunidad. Que la navidad sea su fiesta favorita (y empezar a celebrarla intensamente desde que empieza Noviembre). Bailar y cantar alrededor del árbol de pascua tomados de las manos. Pasar más de un día tirando fuegos artificiales por año nuevo. Ver el discurso de la reina, la película de la viejita y su butler y saltar de una silla “into the new year”. Usar los cementerios como parques. Criticar la forma en la que habla la gente de Jutland. Recibir un sueldo por estudiar en la universidad, por estar cesante o inhabilitado para trabajar. Andar en bicicleta contra viento y marea. Creer que un abrigo es suficiente para salir a la calle en pleno invierno. Tener la ducha arriba del wc. Esperar las luces verdes para cruzar. No tener una palabra para decir “por favor”. No tener montañas. Regalar todo lo que no usas (muebles, ropa, comida). Consumir y exportar pork como nadie en el mundo. Trabajar desde los 14. Tomarse un break después del gymnasium. Dejar a las guaguas en los coches solas afuera de las tiendas. Arrendar “party trucks” y usar gorros marineros para celebrar la salida del colegio. Pagar uno de los taxes más altos del mundo. No tener clases sociales.