bottomless-pit-of-whining

[bottomless-pit-of-whining]

In better news, I went to Shabbat services and dinner tonight again and I realized I'm really beginning to feel at home there. I attend a small, slightly eccentric community with a wide range of people and they've really welcomed me over the past year. The rabbi is thoughtful and kind, the community manager is great, and I've started making actual friends there. I may not read Hebrew, but they've got a transliterated siddur and I'm learning more of the melodies for prayers by heart. It's a start, and it makes me joyful to join in with my people and sing with my whole heart.

There is a little cluster of us in roughly the same age range who are coming a bit from the outside, either because we're half-Jewish raised outside community (like me) or considering conversion, and we're bonding and supporting each other and it's been lovely.

Tonight I sat next to an elder dyke at dinner and she told us about her experiences in both the queer community and the Jewish community from the past few decades, and I was just so grateful to listen to her and that she welcomed and included me. (She also vented her frustration at having been an active, involved leftist working for change for decades, only to have what's currently happening in that movement now hurt and isolate her. Can't get away from that, alas. But she's still fighting to make the world better in her own way, despite it.)

Our community is beautiful and full of wonderful people and I'm so grateful to be finding my place in it.

To the other jumblr folks who have offered reassurance and welcome on my journey (as a patrilineal mostly-outsider reconnecting at last), I wanted to thank all of you because you've helped me have the confidence to keep moving forward, and it means so much.

Shabbat shalom!

[bottomless-pit-of-whining]

I know this is really inconsequential in the grand scheme of things but with people exploding over the US election results, and pointing fingers and sticking their noses in the air or pulling out their hair in despair, I am realizing that, politically speaking, there is no group I feel at home with. One of my friends posted "if you're feeling depressed, don't worry, here's how to get involved with the leftists!" and no! The leftists don't want me and I don't trust them anyway!

I don't trust leftists. I'm too far left for the Democrats and standard American liberals. I despise conservatism in all its forms. And there doesn't seem to be a group to ally myself with, politically.

I'll just do what I usually do, and choose the actions that are in line with my ethics and seem most likely to lead to the end result I hope for. And that will mean walking alongside people on the left side of the spectrum, but I will be walking in parallel with them but not actually with them, because I don't belong to them and/or I don't feel safe with them.

A lot of my friends have been radicalized in ways I no longer recognize, in various directions. And I suppose I have been radicalized too - but in the direction of loneliness and distrust.

Yeah, a lot of this has been the wild levels of absolute mask-off antisemitism I've seen on the left in the last year, sometimes parroted by friends of mine, sometimes just tolerated, sometimes ignored. But it's more than that. The purity tests, the frighteningly fervent adherence to theory and texts, the gleeful accelerationism toward a revolution that many people I love wouldn't survive...

We do need to stand together against the rise of fascism globally. I don't mean I won't fight alongside the people whose paths are taking them in the same direction as mine. I will do what I need to do in order to help. But I will be feeling alone the whole time, and given how fucking terrified I am of what will happen not just to people I love but to many other innocent people just trying to live their lives, it would be nice to not feel so alone.

I know they wouldn't care - I'm sure they would say good riddance to me - but I am the one living in my shoes and standing alone makes me sad, and this is my vent blog, so here I am, venting.

[bottomless-pit-of-whining]

This is the thing. I've seen this happen both on and off Tumblr and it has me pulling out my hair and gnashing my teeth (and apparently filling out my accidental Jewish sideblog woo).

How the fuck did we wind up as the apparent lone exception to how progressive groups view marginalized people?

(the answer is obviously very deep-rooted millennia-long social and cultural hatred directed at us that didn't just evaporate when the latest incarnation of progressive politics developed, but still, what the everloving fuck)

Bc it’s creepy and racist to associate a religion with an ethnicity? Because it’s racist to claim that there’s some genetic factor underlying your religion and way of life when that’s explicitly not true (as Judaism accepts converts and it’s a myth that there’s some ethnic commonality to non-converts, that’s just Ashkenazi supremacy and arrogance)? And that’s true for ALL so called ethnoreligions, it’s an inherently damaging construct that only serves to oppress and exclude

this is so ignorant and antisemitic that i don’t even know where to begin.

[bottomless-pit-of-whining]

I did my best at Rosh Hashanah with non-transliterated texts (which mostly meant reading the introductions and all the side texts from the entire book because I am the kind of Jew who got in trouble for reading ahead in textbooks for fun in school and that has carried over into how I engage with Jewish texts too), but I really would have loved to sing out the words with my whole heart along with everyone else.

I maaaaaay have volunteered myself to help my community gather transliterated texts for the next high holidays, so the next people in my shoes have an easier time of it. (And probably for myself, too, because there's no way I will be able to learn to read the prayers myself in a year.)

I love the translations, they help give me context and meaning, but I want the transliterations too so I can participate fully! The participating is so meaningful!! One of the things I love most about Judaism is that we are all singing the same prayers together as we have been for thousands of years and I want to be part of that too!!!

Unpopular opinion: All Siddurim should have translations and transliterations for numerous reasons. 1) If you are teaching your kids Hebrew, transliteration helps a LOT 2) If you have family over, this allows them to participate such as with a Bar/Bat Mitzvah 3) If someone wants to convert, not having something they can understand to even figure out if they want to start the process is only harmful both to them and the wider Jewish community as we've shut them out of even the most basic aspect of Jewishness.

AMEN

[bottomless-pit-of-whining]

I guess this is officially my Jewish sideblog now? It was originally just meant to be where I dump personal feelings anonymously, but I am apparently dumping a lot of Jewish feelings now, so that's what it is.

My story is that I'm patrilineal and was raised outside of Jewish community (other than my nonreligious family), and I am now - several decades into life - pursuing Jewish community and Jewish belonging. I've always considered myself a Jew without question, but also I've always known I "don't count" by official reckoning, and that's kept me away even when I longed to know more. But I finally got the courage to take tiny steps toward it a few years ago, and early last year I finally found a community I wanted to learn more from and they have welcomed me with open arms. Right now is a really scary time to be a Jew! But I am still persisting in my path toward Jewishness. And also, maybe, Judaism.

I know patrilineal conversion is a thing. I've been looking sideways at it for a bit because it feels like a commitment (which it is), and it feels like it says I'm even more of an outsider than I ever considered myself (and that hurts, not-belonging hurts and I've carried it most of my life), and I'm not sure how I feel about faith and god because I've never had that as part of my life.

But also, this feels like my heritage and my inheritance, both the beautiful traditions of it and the obligation to do the work of tikkum olam, and I think I want to pick it up and claim it properly.

I know it will be a lot of work and I'm scared of it, but it is increasingly feeling like the right thing to do. I think.

Are any of the rest of you in a similar boat? I feel like I've just bemoaned Jewish suffering on here and I would rather connect with people over Jewish joy.

I haven't even talked to my rabbi about this yet but I don't think he'll be surprised.

[bottomless-pit-of-whining]

I'm not Jewish. I was raised a very boring type of protestant, and now I don't really connect to any religion.

I have observed, and been told, and believe, that it is not safe, is scary and dangerous for Jewish people to say out loud such 'controversial' things as Israel is a country that exists and we need to work within that basic reality if we actually hope to make any change or progress.

So I will say it. And more people who have a basic grasp on reality should say it too so it isn't only Jewish people making this very obvious statement.

[bottomless-pit-of-whining]

It's not just me, right? It's really fucked up that people have gone from "this one country is killing too many civilians" to "this one country shouldn't actually exist" to "actually it's ontologically evil that Jews consider themselves to be an ethnicity and a culture"?

Like what the fuck is wrong with these people? They literally wouldn't (and don't) say this about any of the other marginalized ethnic groups that define belonging for themselves! Indigenous, First Nations, and other communities like that get to set their own ways of belonging! The Black (American) community can have their own cultural norms! And all of this is good! They should! But so can (and should) Jews.

These folks are like "actually it's racist that Jews consider themselves an ethnicity, it's a religion, not a race (because conflating race and ethnicity is fine, we don't have to understand what words mean to use them, look at how we redefine words all the time)!" and just

/tableflip

[bottomless-pit-of-whining]

So here's a thing I wish I could put on my main blog, or post on my Facebook, but I think all it would do is make me feel even more miserable and alone.

So, I consider myself Jewish and always have. That's my cultural and ethnic heritage on my dad's side of the family, the only family I grew up with. Yes, patrilineal, but I'm still Jewish. My dad's grandparents fled pogroms in Ukraine and came to the US as deeply traumatized people seeking survival. You can see the repercussions of that recent history in the generations that followed them. For the past few years, I've been actively working to find my place in that history and that heritage, because it's a part of who I am and who I will always be, and I want to be able to be part of it in return. That's my personal context.

When a terrorist group murdered and kidnapped a bunch of civilians last October, I was horrified. When a far-right extremist government retaliated by slaughtering an unthinkable number of civilians, I was horrified. I contacted my own politicians, I donated what money I could spare, I wept at the nightmare that was playing out.

I continue to be horrified as the inhumanity continues, at the sheer scale of tragedy and terror. I wish I had any power to stop it, and I do the small things I can to try to help alleviate suffering.

But you know what else has horrified me? The way my so-called allies, the leftists, the social justice warriors, have responded. I'm lucky that I could grow up without hate being thrown my direction (perhaps because people where I grew up did not know I was Jewish despite my very Jewish last name), but I am aware of what Jew-hate looks like. And I have been seeing people I thought I could trust now wallowing in variations of centuries-old hatred without questioning it, believing outright lies that can be easily disproven with even the most superficial fact-checking, listening to people who wish to do harm, and reducing a complex situation to the stark black-and-white, good-versus-evil conflict from a bad young adult novel.

I'm still going to hope for peace. I'm still trying to contribute what I can to help victims of violence and war.

But, speaking frankly, I don't trust a lot of people anymore and I probably never will. There is no place for me in leftist social justice communities.

I don't know why people have hated Jews for so long, except that I suppose it feels good to have someone else to blame your problems on. But people really truly do hate Jews, and they really truly have for a very long time with unthinkably tragic consequences, and there are modern groups who are absolutely thrilled to be able to bring newcomers into their circles of Jew-hate in the guise of fighting for justice.

And so many of the people I thought were my friends are following them into it without a second thought.

I am disappointed. I am betrayed. I am hopeless.

And I guess I'm pretty damn alone, because I am sure as hell not going to align myself with people whose values are in opposition to my own just because the leftists are also showing their hate.

It breaks my heart.

I'm posting this on my secret sideblog because, I don't know, I've been reading Jumblr for months now and it often helps me feel less alone and I suppose I am reaching out a hand asking if anyone else will be willing to take my hand and tell me I am not alone.

We are not a monolith, I know some of you feel differently from me in either direction, but I know at least some of you feel like I do and even those of you who don't fully align with me will still not smear me with hatred.

Tomorrow I am going to my first ever Rosh Hashanah service and I have been doing my best to prepare and I want to be proud, I want to be joyful, I want to embrace hope for a brighter new year and I want to shout to the rooftops that my people are beautiful and our traditions are beautiful and isn't it wonderful that I am able to step back where I belong among them, but instead I want to weep.

[bottomless-pit-of-whining]

I'm whining in my anonymous blog because that's what it's for and I need to remember this is an option when I feel like I'm going to explode from feelings or unhappiness

My girlfriend broke up with me because I'm not really available or responsive right now, which is totally valid, I'm not, because I'm depressed as hell and super numb and I really struggle to talk to anyone, even her

Being depressed sucks, being numb sucks, being a bad partner sucks, being broken up with sucks (although it's definitely the right thing to do here), and also my health is getting worse again because I'm bleeding out all my iron and I think I'm getting little bits of endo pain now even when I'm not bleeding, which is not my favorite thing ever

Waaaaaaaaaah

[bottomless-pit-of-whining]

I haven't had a journal where I can just dump whatever and not agonize over what people will think about it for ages. I don't know if that's actually how this works but I'm going to try it out.

Presumably nobody is going to read this thing (why would you) but I like shouting into the void so that suits me.

Anyway, I will start by saying

brain bad

And go from there. I have been hoping that I'll get better and be stable and mature and healthy and not having breakdowns or be a huge mess emotionally, if I just keep working at it I'll recover and I'll achieve stability and life will be good, but lately I've realized that maybe I've never actually been stable or emotionally healthy in my life, and maybe I never will be, no matter how much I work at it. Maybe I'm seeking the impossible.

Which is really fucking depressing. Am I just doomed to be in a permanent state of emotional fucked-uppery for the rest of my life? For fuck's sake. I'm 40 years old. I'm supposed to be an adult by now. I'm supposed to have my shit figured out.

They diagnosed me with bipolar II disorder for many years. Then they added borderline personality but gave the caveat that I didn't fit a bunch of the diagnostic criteria and I wasn't nearly as badly off as pretty much anyone who had that diagnosis, it just provided some useful tools to identify and work on my issues.

But then they took away the bipolar diagnosis and any BPD diagnosis and gave me an ADHD diagnosis instead. I took this to mean all the really hard work I'd done on my BPD-resembling issues had actually fixed them. I allowed myself to think maybe I'd put myself into "remission" for BPD and I was proud of myself for it. But maybe I never had either bipolar or BPD. Maybe I've just made incremental progress working on personal issues that don't fit those diagnoses at all, and it was just a mistake.

Over the past year or two I've had an increasing number of people ask me if I've considered that I might be autistic. And I don't fucking know. There's things that autistic people have to deal with that haven't been an issue for me. Some of the issues (sensory issues, social issues, masking) seem very familiar, but I come across as super socially capable a lot of the time and I don't have a number of the traits that autistic people seem to share. I figured it's just the ADHD/autism similarities, no more than that, but I don't really know.

Every single diagnosis I've ever had has been like "you have it less bad than the majority of people with this issue, it's mild and not severe at all" which leaves me feeling like I shouldn't complain about any of it. But it adds up, and at the end of the day, I'm struggling. Maybe it's just that I'm weak and I give up easily, so I am struggling with what another person would be able to live with. I don't know.

I've gotten used to hating myself, so much so that even though I had tried to work on it and I even made a lot of progress in the past, it still continued in insidious ways and continues to haunt me. I've gotten used to struggling. I'm trying, I'm always trying to do better, but I wish I could just exist and not have it hurt all the time, you know?

There's no "you" here. Nobody's going to read this. But I like to talk, so let's pretend I'm addressing an audience.