br0kennn-blog1

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Haha love this 😂

[br0kennn-blog1]

Dear "Bestfriend"

Where tf were you when I was alone crying in my room. What happened to "Ill always be there." What happened to "You'll never be alone." Wait nvm. You traded me in a long fucking time ago for someone who wasn't so "difficult" to handle. I'm sorry I've become such a problem for you. I'm not trying to be a burden. It's just, I can't cope alone. I needed you. But you'd rather spend your time talking to a boy who never even loved you. But whatever. Like you said, "What's the point of living, when you have no one."

[br0kennn-blog1]

Thinking is a barrier to experiencing, and there is no wisdom without experiencing. Knowledge, idea, belief, stand in the way of wisdom.

J. Krishnamurti (via thebuddhistmind)

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No one notices your tears, no one notices your sadness, no one notices your pain but they all notice your mistakes.

Unknown (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

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Pathetic

That was the last time I wrote my feelings, I felt pathetic to think I deserved better than I got. I know I don't. But still

[br0kennn-blog1]

January 19th

Today Great Grandpa died. I get it had nothing to do with me but I always seem to blame myself. Was there something I could've done? I miss him. I may have barely knew him but he still meant so damn much to me. My little brother will now never know the amazing man grandpa was. Kash will never get to go out and Fish with grandpa and learn everything he should from a grandpa. It's scary that a 6 month period only last the week or so. But Rip Great Grandpa, you'll forever be loved and missed. Holding a place in my heart until I die.❤

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January 1st

I don't even know what started it but I was stressing out and all I wanted was someone to talk to I had car radio playing in my headphones. But something his me like a punch in the face. I started hyperventilating, crying, my vision got bad. Every time my breathing would calm down a little bit I would start crying and the cycle would start again. My head felt like my brain was smashed against my skull. I text Tiffany to get Kayla to come home cause I needed someone but I didn't want to wake my mom. After laying in her bed for like 15 minutes crying and hyperventilating. She get home, she walks in locks the down hugs me for maybe 10 seconds at the most. And then just starts laughing at me and all I can do is feel stupid for even thinking I could go to someone like her for help. She went through the same thing at my age but since it was me it didnt seem to matter to her. I now feel like my body weighs so much it makes it hard to move it hurts. -Now We just Sit in Silence-

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December 23rd

Today I will: •Pretend everything's okay •Look for the good in things •Act like the little things aren't killing me inside •Smile to hide everything hurting •Live today like it was my last

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December 22nd

Today is probably one of the worst days I've had in a long ass time. I feel terrible and so blah like I have so much on my shoulders but what can I do when idk what's causing everything. I want to be that perfect girl but we all know I could never be that one perfect one. I'm not good enough for that.. I'm scared of going farther, of betrayal, sadness. I've been super happy lately thanks to him but also I have my fears, is he gonna hurt me, is he gonna be the lying dick he said sh wasn't. How am I supposed to tell my mom? How am I supposed to live on in my lies? I'm scared? Plz don't let me fall. I'm sorry that I wanted to lean on you and ask for support. You act like I don't try telling you shit, and that I like your best friend better. I call BULLSHIT. Every damn time I want to talk to you about something you find something better to do, and ignore the fact that I wanted to talk to you about it. You were once my best friends but of course that all changed a while ago. After you opened up your legs a few too many times. I'm fighting on my own, holding everything back from Everyone. I tell you everything but Do you care? NO YOU'RE DAMN BOYFRIEND IS MORE IMPORTANT. I'm over done, I'm over crying, but it never seems to stop anymore. Idk what to do. You always take, and never give see where that'll get you in life. One of the girls who are supposed to be my best friend who are supposed to KEEP my secrets. Cant keep there mouth shut if there mouth depending on it and it's sickening. My personal life has nothing to do with anyone else therefore you DO NOT need to go around telling everyone. So fuck you. I'm done. ~Maybe tomorrow won't take as much strength and lies go get through the day~ I don't want to lose him, I know I like him a lot but I'm scared.... he makes me a better person but I also know that I don't want to bring him down into my deep while of depressed little me that no one seems to notice.....I'm sorry...... "Grant me the serenity to except, the things I can not change"

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December 11th

I fucking hate my life; all it's filled with is disappointment. My mom only cares about herself, my dad only cares about work. He's not even a damn parent to any of us. He's just a guy we're told to call dad, because that's what we grew up with and I'm so sick of it. Everyone says one thing than does another and I'm sick of it. I want out so fucking bad but idk what to do anymore. I'm sick of it all, they think I'm happy. But then I look upset they'll ask if I'm okay, and I'll say "I'm fine" they actually believe me LOOK IN MY FUCKING EYES THEN ASK ME IF IM OKAY! I'm fucking terrific, living out of my own personal misery. I hate it so much, but there isn't anymore to turn to. And there is no way in hell that im turning to cutting again. Yes it made the pain go away, but not I have marks. More imperfections I have to hide from people. I'm scared, alone. This battle isn't meant for one on there own, it has taken a toll on me. And I've reached the edge. What's wrong with me? Why am I always the problem? Idk what I did wrong. Why am I the fuck up? I'm disappointed in myself? I'm not proud, I'm not happy. But the simple "im fine" fools everyone. Cause I don't even remember how it feels to be happy anymore. It's never truly being happy it's all suffering. And I'll continue to hide from the world cause I can't live like this much long. It's so damn scary waking up like this. Asking for help, or someone to talk to is just so much worse.. I'm terrified of what I may do if it gets worse. Could this all push me over board? My heart is on the edge of hating myself more than I already do. I'm scared... ☠️Please don't let me fall, at least not alone☠️ I'm afraid of who I really am. Or who I could become anymore. On the verge of tears once again, fighting not breaking down, what am I supposed to do? Show my weakness. Show that I'm not strong enough to be here rn. I want it all gone. IM SORRY, I broke my promise. I was so close to actually letting the blade push through my skin. I couldn't bring myself to it. Now all I have is 5-6 shallow marks that didn't even draw blood. But I'm sick of this. Everyone only Makes everything that much harder for me, with cruel comments. You say sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt me, but words are what get to you the most. Stick and stones will bruise you words will cut into you. Way farther that the stone ever did. Today was worth than other days today I was done. Other days I could fight but I don't want to today it's too much.

[br0kennn-blog1]

December 10th

I've never felt so alone, because right now all I feel is resentment, and pain. Why the fuck do I even come here? So he can sit in his fucking room and ignore me. Like I know he doesn't know how to be a fucking parent but I'm sick of this. I'm his kid not someone he can just throw away it's bullshit. I feel so fucking empty there all hiding in the room while I'm out in the damn living room alone. I want to die rn. I don't feel wanted here, i don't want to live like this, I want to be happy for once. But we all know that will never happen

[br0kennn-blog1]

-Lost, Alone, The Pain That I Feel Is Like a Migraine In My Head-

Unknown

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December 4th

I don't even know how to explain how I feel, I feel empty I guess but then I don't. I feel alone, even tho somewhere I know I Have someone to count on. I want to cry out for help but I'm afraid of rejection, disappointment, and loss. My mental state can't take anymore disappointment before I completely break down. how am I supposed to ask my best friend to help whenever she has so much going on in her life. I'm not that selfish to put her in more pain because of my pain. I'm holding everything back I have no clue how I'm supposed to let go of everything. A girl from challenge day said to let forth my emotions and not to hide them but I've been going that for so long, I can't just change that. I pushed everything away cause I know I couldn't take it, one single item will be where I lose myself. But everything will put me way to far over the edge. I'm so scared of what imma turn out to be in the future, all I can think about today is "should I write letters for everyone, just in case I can't take it" "is suicide selfish" is it fair for me to feel like this. God I hope no one else feels like this, no one should ever have to be alone. I'm scared, I have no outlet anymore. This word is too scary for me to live in, it's terrifying but I can't leave people. The pros and cons of death are eating me alive today. But I don't want to hurt anymore else...... is this guilt, or fear? It's so scary sometimes. I can't go to mom she's too worried about keeping us on shore from drowning from stress in her world. I just want a break from everyone and everything... but it's so much to ask to get a minute of silence with just me... I'm emotionally unstable😞

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I'm afraid to be happy. I know that once I'm happy, it all be over within minutes

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We all know what we deserve but we ignore it because we're scared of pushing out those people who are ruining us

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Society

We live in a world that wants perfect. But what is perfect. It's all about the looks, but we all look in the mirror and see the person that society created. But in all truth we hate the fucking person we see in that mirror.