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Crawling Out of my Skin Since my last post things have changed a lot. Hot Stuff and I are in a great place.

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I’m learning that anxiety is like a roller coaster. I have periods where I feel like I’m coasting along and it’s pretty smooth and then wham I hit the next hill. I have had some things that have happened lately that have increased my stress, which obviously in turn has made me more anxious. Ugh…where to start?!

So back in December I herniated a disc in my back. It’s been a long road to recovery.…

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Broken

You not only broke my heart, but you broke my mind.

I thought I could piece it all back together.

My heart is repaired, but my mind is a shattered mess.

What was once strength is now insecurity.

What was once trust is now doubt.

What was once confidence is now overthinking.

What was once peace is now anxiety.

It creeps up without warning,

reminding me that I’m not who I used to be,

but also that…

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Finding Me

I’ve had another counseling session or two since I wrote last. Things have definitely improved, including the anxiety. Since then I have been playing my guitar more, bought a ukulele to play, I’ve made more plans with friends and staying busy with projects, cooking more and also my relationship with Hot Stuff has grown. We had a good talk again recently about our never ending time issue. He has…

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Mental Wheel Of Torture So I went to my counseling appointment again last night. It makes me feel so much better and less crazy after I go and talk to her.

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Communication I love Hot Stuff, more than I have loved anyone, but I was getting frustrated with how often our date nights were getting canceled and he wasn't rescheduling.

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My “Bucket” List **I'll continue to add and I'll "X" them off as I complete them!** Guitar lessons Winter wreath for the front door…

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Healing I had my counseling session yesterday and I thought it went well. I feel really comfortable with her, so conversation just flows.

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Talking It Out

I started counseling last week. I realized I needed a third party to still talk out some things and help me get over the last few hurdles. I was still struggling at times with all the alone time. It’s a weird feeling going from wanting time alone and getting a little time away from the kids to actually getting it and a lot. You don’t know what to do with yourself. You have way too much time to…

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Him

You are my “him.” You have become my first thought in the morning, my last thought before I fall asleep and every thought in between. You are who I think of with every love song and who I think of when I read quotes about love. You have been so patient with me and caring through the last 7 months that you have made it so easy to fall head over heels in love with you. You check off everything I…

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What now?

I think I’ve said this before, no one goes into marriage thinking they will end up getting divorced. Also, it doesn’t matter how I/you/we got here and who’s choice it was there is still a grieving period with the end of the relationship. It’s totally normal. So what now? I was talking with a friend lately who is now going through the same thing and trying to offer her advice on what has and is…

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Closure I survived court. It was a weird day, but overall it went smoothly. We didn't use lawyers so it was our one and only court date.

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D Day

It’s literally D Day tomorrow, divorce day, well technically today, it’s 1 a.m and I can’t turn my mind off enough to sleep. The wine I drank and melatonin I just took hasn’t kicked in yet. I’m praying that after court I feel some sort of relief, some weight off my shoulders. I’ve had some mixed emotions today. I’m excited that the day is finally here, I’m happy that it will officially be done,…

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A Glimmer of The Future Let me back track a bit. When I started dating again I was of course nervous about starting over in my mid thirties, especially now with kids.

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Unexpected

You came into my life, At an unexpected time. I was patching up my holes, And recovering from one of life’s crimes. I never imagined falling in love again so quickly, After my heart was broken into pieces. But you managed to put it back together, And even ironed out the creases.  I was lucky to find you, Among the weeds in the field. Hidden from the others, protecting yourself and keeping…

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Toxic Relationship

Maybe I should back track a bit. I’ve given light to why I finally decided to leave and have only scratched the surface of what other relationship issues we had that label it toxic (emotionally and/or physically damaging). Some people, including myself initially, don’t realize they are in one. I think all people know that verbal abuse and physical abuse is toxic and that it would be totally unacceptable in a relationship, but obviously there are reasons why people still stay and I won’t get into that. But fewer realize when they are being emotionally abused…and its not the same as verbal. It’s not as obvious. Let's start here. Emotional abuse is also known as psychological abuse. It can be described as a person being subjected to another's negative behavior that results in psychological trauma, like anxiety, depression or post traumatic stress disorder. These behaviors can include humiliation, making another feel ashamed or guilty, won’t allow you to express your feelings particularly pain, they can be controlling/jealous, threaten to leave/kill themselves, don’t take responsibility for their own bad choices, not give you approval, make you doubt yourself, occasionally overcompensate with gifts/dinners, give “conditional” love, make you feel like you are walking on eggshells trying not to upset them. Not all of these actions need to be checked off in order to define it as emotional abuse. In my case he could be controlling and jealous, would not take full responsibility for his actions/bad choices, make me doubt myself and I always felt like I was walking on eggshells to keep him from getting angry and exploding at me or the kids. And like I mentioned in a previous blog he threatened to kill himself when I told him I was done with the relationship. The jealously was there almost from day one. He would get jealous over comments from a guy on a Facebook message, me liking another guy’s post, a text from a guy friend and lets flashback to a previous blog with my guy classmate. At one point I had to unfriend lots of guy friends on Facebook to appease him and stopped talking to a few, because I didn’t want it to be an issue anymore. He believed that females and males couldn't be just friends and that someone also had an ulterior motive. I realize now he was projecting on me. He was controlling in other ways too, small ways, but it got to be frustrating. I couldn’t buy anything for the house unless it was approved by him first. Every paint color, pillow, fruit bowl, towel needed to be stamped with his approval first even though I was buying it with my own money. Every time I would try to talk to him about something relating to the kids, about a behavior that I didn’t like, about big things like the online cheating the conversation would somehow get flipped back on to me and what I could do to change, or how I could do things differently with the kids or how I caused his bad choice. I would pick my battles, because most often it wasn’t worth bringing up and cause a fight. Once we were on our way back from a family vacation in the car and he got mad at me over something and I had asked if we could stop, so I could go to the bathroom. He told me that I could hold it until we got home. I can’t believe I put up with this kind of treatment, but sadly I did. I would sometimes receive thanks, proud of you comments, or you’re a good mom or you look nice, but he started to talk to me more and more in a condescending tone. He would complain about the things that didn’t get done during the day. One memory that sticks out like a sore thumb was a time when I was on my way to dinner to meet a friend. My oldest was 2 or 3 and we had a dog at the time. The dog was getting older and was starting to have more accidents in the house, which infuriated him. The dog had an accident that day and he had found one of our child’s toys “in a weird spot.” He went off on me on the phone as I was driving there and said that he thought I wasn’t paying attention to our child during the day and let him run wild and that I wasn’t paying attention to the dog either and that’s why he had the accident. He said he was going to install hidden cameras in the house to see what I was up to during the day and see what I was “really doing.” I thought this sounded psycho at the time and think so even more now, but I brushed it off and chalked it up to him being mad and not thinking about what he’s saying before he says it. He was the type of person that if he stubbed his toe, got stuck in traffic and then came home to find the kids running around and yelling he would flip a lid. He’d be screaming at them to be quiet, because he had a rough day. He would take out his stress on everyone around him, he would occasionally throw things or punch things. He called himself The Hulk once. That was a good description and at least he could admit that he would act this way, but there was no changing it. He refused to go talk to anyone as he didn’t think counseling helped. He gave himself the right to act that way, because he was angry. So day to day I did my best to make sure that things were done to his liking. I cleaned as much as I could to not get complaints and I tried to make sure the kids toys were picked up in the family room so he could walk to his recliner without stepping on anything. I would plead with the kids to try to keep it down and give Dad a hug when he got home. I tried to do anything I could to avoid confrontation and fights. It got to be tiring living that way and I did end up having anxiety over it. It also made the rift in our marriage grow larger, because I would resent the way he was treating me and the kids. There were a few points where it got so bad and so frequent that I considered leaving, because I couldn’t handle living that way anymore. I remember one of these times I had been putting our oldest to bed and went downstairs for something. He started to scream at me at the top of his lungs and the veins were popping out in his neck and forehead and I felt cornered into the cabinets. I was never scared he would hurt me, but I remember feeling like I was shrinking. I went upstairs to finish with bedtime and my four year old said to me, “Is Daddy yelling at you again?” I started to cry and sunk to the floor to give him a hug. I couldn’t believe that this was my life right now and that I was allowing this to happen. I felt stuck. Things would get better and then I would have hope that things would change, but they never did. It was a constant exhausting roller coaster ride. I stayed for the wrong reasons. I thought it would change, I stayed for the kids, my parents were still married and I wanted a marriage like theirs, I didn’t want to “fail,” I stayed because I was scared of change and I was scared of being alone. I thought people would judge me and wouldn’t understand why I was leaving, because it wasn’t “abuse.” I know now this was enough reason to end things, but I stuck it out until he broke my trust for that 4th time. If you are stuck in this, just remember that you will be happier and healthier if you leave. In the end this will be better for your kids, because they won’t be in this kind of environment and won’t be shown that this is an acceptable relationship or acceptable way to treat someone. I know he loved me, but he didn't know how to really treat me. He didn't have that example growing up. Thankfully my ex is a good Dad and loves his kids and wants the best for them, but he still has his moments of losing his temper. I have learned so much from this experience and I know I will never allow someone to treat me this way again, I know the red flags and I know what I deserve. I learned that you can’t change someone like him. I’m thankful that I had the courage to walk away, because otherwise I would still be stuck on this roller coaster ride.

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The Good Guy

Hot Stuff and I spent the next few months getting to know each other, exploring each other's towns, making dinners, having sleep overs, meeting the parents, we even went on a fun couples vacation with some of his friends. I did wish for more time, as we only got 1-2 days a week to see each other between distance, schedules and him not meeting the kids yet. But things were going really well, except I could tell that I was not my normal confident self. I was feeling rejected over the silliest things. I trusted him when he wasn’t with me. I was never worried that he was with another woman, but I noticed I would get upset if plans were broken or he didn’t stay over after we had gone out. I knew some of this was related to me wanting more time, but why was I overreacting and taking it so personal?! I had never been that kind of person. I recently read this article, I’ll attach the link below under the pic, that really affected me. Tears welling up and rolling down my face as I worked my way through the words and each numbered section that spelled out what I was now facing and most importantly..the why. 1. At first you expect the worst. Poor Hot Stuff! I overall thought something would go wrong to mess up up this relationship, because it was going too smoothly. There were two for sure stand out moments that fit the bill. I had plans to see him about a month into our realtionship, he got called into work for an emergency issue, I went to his house to drop off a case of his favorite beer to make him feel better for breaking plans and his lights were on and his car was there. I immediately thought he canceled plans, because he wanted to do something else or he just wasn’t that interested in me. I was hurt! I messaged him and said that I just left beer on his porch and that I was trying not to get upset. He felt horrible. He told me that it just looked bad, that he will sometimes leave the lights on for his dog and he jumped in a coworkers car to go to work. I felt bad for assuming, but that’s how my brain was now wired. The other moment was a few weeks later when I had gone back on Match to figure out if my profile had really been taken down, since I was noticing emails still. I went on and figured out how to really cancel my account. I of course then got curious to look to see if his was down. It wasn’t. I tried not to freak out, but again my mind went back to the pain of my past relationship. I automatically assumed he was still talking to other people and still looking. I messaged him with the “we need to talk later” kind of massage. He immediately called to find out what was wrong. I told him. He told me that he thought he had canceled his too, but apparently he didn’t do it correct either. I had a rough time with this one, but I really did deep down trust him and he made me feel better after we talked. 2. You overthink everything. Ummm..yep. Anytime he canceled plans (which only happened a few times) I thought he just didn’t care about our time together, when he wouldn’t message me back after a certain amount of time I started to think he didn’t care about me as much as I did about him. It was plain ridiculous! At least I was realizing it, but it didn’t necessarily get rid of it. 3. You’ll think he’s too good to be true. Duh?! I thought that almost from day one. I never knew guys like him even existed. 4. After you push him away. I thankfully haven’t pushed him away, I’ve kept my sense about me enough to know that I don’t want to mess this up, but I can sadly see why someone would do this. 5. You’re going to expect fights. I have been waiting for our first fight and it hasn’t happened. We have come across a few moments, like stated under number 1, where a fight could have started, but it didn’t. We talk things out, we say what we’re feeling and that’s it. He makes me feel like I have a right to feel like I do, he doesn't get angry, he doesn't twist the conversation to make me feel like I did something wrong. This is how it should be. 6. You’ll apologize too often. I don’t think I do this, but I do realize that I don’t always react the way I should and then apologize for acting “crazy,” because I’m feeling hurt. He made me feel better by telling me that he’s had time to recover from his damage and trust issues, since he has been out of his relationship for 3 years. It makes me feel better to know that he understands why I am reacting this way. 7. And question if they are better off without you. Sadly I did go through this one night. I was frustrated with myself and how I reacted over our plans getting canceled. I had upset him. I was trying to explain that I just want more time with him and if he can’t can’t see me for some reason to try to reschedule otherwise I feel like he doesn’t care about the time we are not getting together. I think this came across badly over text. I felt like a jerk for hurting his feelings. I felt needy. The rest of the night I felt like maybe he would be better finding someone who wasn’t emotionally screwed up. 8. You overcompensate. I didn’t realize I was doing this, but he called me out on it at one point. He said I didn’t need to try so hard. I didn’t need to do so much to show him that I care. I was honestly just so happy that I found someone that made me feel so loved and so beautiful. I wanted to do what I could to return the favor. 9. Then you trust him. I have known for awhile now that I could trust him to not seek attention from other girls or do anything behind my back. If there was any inkling that he was doing any of this I would have left by now. I can’t be in another relationship without that kind of trust. But I still fight thoughts that he’s not 100% all in, even though I know he is, because he not only tells me, but shows me in his actions. I think this will take awhile for me to fully recover from my past relationship that put me here mentally. I was used to a relationship where I felt like he always had one fit in and one foot out. 10. Finally you learn what love really is. Amen! I literally just told him the other night that I felt like he was put on this earth for me, to come into my life at this time and to show me what love was supposed to look like. It makes me tear up just writing that. Hot Stuff is a saint! I can’t imagine my life now without him. Some people might think that he’s a rebound or that any relationship after the one I had would of course make me happier, but there is something about this man that I can’t even explain, because words would not do it justice. All I can say is that I’ve never been happier, I’ve never felt more loved and adored or treated the way he treats me. He makes me want to be better, he makes me feel safe. He's not perfect..but he’s perfect for me! http://thoughtcatalog.com/kirsten-corley/2017/04/10-things-that-happen-meeting-a-good-guy-after-a-toxic-relationship/