briefthieves

[briefthieves]

TO: The Queen Tita of Manila

Hi.

Bago ang lahat, I’d like to say na ayoko nung concept na nagkagusto ako sayo.

Hindi naman sa dahil ayaw ko sayo pero it’s just that sa lahat ng people na naGUSTUHAN ko ikaw yung pinaka precious? Idk all of you are precious naman pero there’s just something different sayo na wala yung first three. I know it sounds cliché but ayun talaga yung nakikita ko.  And kung ano man yung meron tayo before I had this feelings was enough for me actually and that something is for the long haul.

I admit naman na I like you more than a friend pero know din na I know my place and I am really not happy with the fact na crush kita. We’ve been friends for almost 2 yrs na and that’s just amazing feeling kasi sa 2 yrs na yun, we became so close to the point na tayo na yung nagging go-to person ng isa’t-isa.

Go-to person. Man, that feels good for a change. Ewan ko ba pero sayo ko lang na feel yung maging first. Like I was the first one to learn about your personal issues. I was the first one to know about THAT secret and I felt honored kasi you trusted me. I felt significant for a change.

I’ve felt a different kind of happy.

Nakaka in-love ka kasi. Pero I was never in-love-inLOVE with you. Like minahal na kita as one of my best friends. Dude you’re so precious as a person. Ewan ko ba kung bakit I felt the need to protect you from the people taking advantage of your kindness pero that’s what I felt. It’s like I want to hug you nang mahigpit at nang matagal kasi kahit hubadera at wild-ish ka, you have that innocence na ang cute lang makita. I adore you grabe.

Sobrang nainis ako nung nalaman ko yung ginagawa ng mga tao sayo just because you’re nice. You don’t deserve any of that. I knew your deserve someone who’d be different from what you’ve been accustomed to. Kung magkaka-jowa ka na lang, dapat lang hindi tulad nung isa na ginago ka at minanipulate yung sitwasyon that made you look malandi sa pananaw ng friends niyo. You deserve someone who’d protect that innocence and understand all that maturity. You deserve someone who will adore your whole being at di lang yung katawan mo.

I don’t deserve you.

Kaya hindi talaga. Swerte ko lang talaga na nagging friends tayo at naging parte ka ng buhay ko. You hold a giant space in my heart and I don’t want that space vacant. ‘Di bale na hindi tayo magkatuluyan pero know that AYOKONG MAWALA KA kasi pag nawala ka pa sa buhay ko feel ko maloloka na ako.

HAHA sorry for being weird and for reacting awkwardly sa sitwasyon natin.

I’m just so used to being alone or left by the people I confess my feelings to. Sobrang bago lang talaga sa systema ko na nagstay ka. Bonus na yung hindi ka naiilang jusq I THANK THE LORD for giving you to me (as a friend).

Siguro yung friendship natin is one of my favorites.

Kaya rin siguro ganun na lang yung hurt ko nung nagka guy ka. Pero wag mo ring isipin na hindi ako masaya for you. BALIW ako pa nga yung isa sa mga nagpush sayo na umarriba diba? I will always be happy for you HAHA.

Ba’t ako nahurt? Well ewan ko ba feel ko ang selfish ko kung sasabihin kong I felt replaced?

Like I always had this thought nung single ka pa na one day, I’ll be the 2nd person to know stuff. Baka nga last pa eh. I always had the fear of being replaced. Alam mo ba kung gaano kita namimiss kapag kami kami na lang nila Mars at Beshwap? May na ffeel akong emptiness din minsan kasi. Nasanay akong kasama kita araw-araw sa halos lahat ng agenda ko sa life and to see that void is just sad for me. Kaya ayun now you know ba’t ako nasasaktan.

Nasasaktan din ako sa thought na hindi ako para sayo. Well very very very small lang naman. Pero I know talaga na hindi at noon pa lang tanggap ko na. Bwiset lang talag tong feelings na ‘toh.  

So ayun na lang muna siguro.

Salamat sa pagstay mo and for that short period kung saan single ka.

For that short time I felt important.

Salamat for being one of my best friends.

MAHAL KITA GAGO HAHA kahit na hanggang platonic lang talaga kaya ng puso mo.  Basta alam mo naman na nandito lang naman ako for you. Ako na makikipag away sa mga haters mo kasi alam mo naman kung gaano ako a war-freak LOL.

Sana lagi kang masaya! Kasi your happiness is also my happiness.

AND PLS LANG don’t overthink that much? Alam ko naming overthinkers tayo pero pls wag masyado? Ayokong nasstress ka or nahihirapan! Hahaha

[briefthieves]

TO: The Chinese

Alam mo ba na (Do you know that)

I always find myself looking for your name in the stories section of every social media platform. I always find myself pretending to ignore your name thinking that if I viewed your story and you saw my name in the list of viewers you'd be annoyed. You'd be weirded out. I always find myself viewing every single story so I could "accidentally" view yours. And that "accident" gave me the validation. Gave me the brief mentality that I don’t care about you and that I just happen to stumble upon your story. BUT I do care. And i wanted to view your stories. I wanted to know how you day was. I miss you. But i can’t bring myself to talk to you or chat you for no reason. Even before the stupid fake drunk text I sent. Why did i do that in the first place? I was so stupid to think that scheme would help me. But it only made things worse for me. I was so stupid to think i had a shot with you. You are so out of my league and i dared to make a move. But what if i didn’t made a move? I’d still be in my safe comfy spot in the friendzone. Though Its nice there and it makes me happy because i know I’m your friend. I hated those texts. I can’t do this. I can’t be the super confident gal my cousin wants me to be. I’m the quiet shy bi gal who prefers the lowkey landi. At first I found the scheme amusing and even a hope for my hopeless lovelife. But it was all a mistake. I regret faking to be drunk just to tell I like you. it was so out of the moment and it was so embarrassing. But what pains me the most was the moment you told me you are in a relationship. Add that to the shame I was feeling. I felt like as if i was banished from your friends list and was demoted to acquaintances. Ghad i hate this feeling. This social anxiety. This paranoia. Amidst my inner struggles, I always find myself thinking about you despite everything I'm overthinking of. How are you? Are you cold? 'Cause i feel a little bit chilly from the AC. Have you had fun today? Were you full from all the inihaw you ate yesterday? Does she make you happy? Are you happy?

That stupid incident made a mark on my mind. It gave me a wake up call. It simply said the fact that I can never be with you. 

I just hope you bought my excuse for what I did. 

I just hope we’ll still be close like before. 

[briefthieves]

Say what is it with me, am I not fit to be your lover?

Wiktoria (Unthink You)

[briefthieves]

I still love you Burgis

fuck.

here we go again in this roller coaster of feelings na wala nang ibang ginawa kung di saktan ako. Shet Burgis why.

why.

I wasted so many tears. I bore a lot of pain. Yet, I was still left with nothing. I don't blame you. I am to blame (partially) kasi nagpakatanga ako for you. I just want to show you how serious I am with my feelings for you.

You know what hurts? You being all awkward around me. It's like we're strangers. What ever happened to the conversations we had? Were those to shallow for your caliber? Damn napaka babaw ko ba? Nene? Bata? shit that hurts.

Tanggap ko defeat ko pero I still do not like HER (pwe) for you. Gago YOU DESERVE SOMETHING BETTER. I may not be that "BETTER" pero gets mo ba? YOU. ARE. NOT. AN. OPTION. sure, second chance pero shet idk anymore.

Gago mahal kita. AND I just can't bare to see you with somebody else. Do I sound selfish? I mean I can't bare and I can't comprehend that some fuctibs won. That someone who's gago got the girl.

WHY.

Why do I always have to play the role of the broken one? Can someone just see what I could offer? Ugh I sound so wrong yet this is what I want.

Gago I love you Burgis. So much that I am willing to let you go and move on. I still hate that pacool son of a bitch. Pero ugh. Nakakafrustrate. When can I have a clear shot in love. Sure, I love myself I love my family and I love the Lord. Dude I have the love to share and I wanted that connection with another human being besides my usual circle of friends. I just want to share that feeling with someone. That intimacy. Pero it looks like I was never meant to do so, I don't know anymore.

Dear Burgis, Mahal kita. I want to know you more. I want to be close to you. Kahit friends lang would make me so happy. I know you wouldn't reciprocate what I feel pero sana, we can be close again. Don't leave me hanging. Akala ko ba you want to save the friendship. Nandito lang ako nagiintay for you to come back. Shet never have I cried for someone ng ganito karami. And I hope you know how special that makes you to me. I treasured every virtual moment we spent. Sure, kinilig ako pero I know you meant those moments as friends. I like that. Please don’t leave me. 

[briefthieves]

TO: The Burgis (2/2)

I wanted her to know what’s in my thoughts.

THE PROBLEM is, I have a hard time expressing thoughts into words.  And I couldn’t say it face to face.

Hi ulit burgis. 

I am not ok. Gagu kung alam mo lang kung gaano kita gusto. Pero it seems na wala akong magagawa for u to see my intentions. Why is the world unfair? Why do pacool people always win? Why do nene's have to be generalized? Tangina. Tinamaan ako eh. And di lang tama na lalandiin-kita-at-iiwan-din. No. I have plans to stay by your side and be yours. Pero ayun nga mukang wala rin naman patutunguhan. Pero why? Bat ako pa. At bat siya. Lagi na lang ba akong makikipag agawan sa iba para sa taong mahal ko? At lagi na lang ba akong matatalo sa dehadong laban? Bakit? Bakit ikaw pa kung wala rin naman pala akong lugar sa puso mo kung di isang kaibigan which is nice pero still ouch yet again, an honor. Na kina-tegorize mo as nene kasi napaka kulang pa ata ng kaalaman ko para sa caliber ng pagiisip mo. Bakit ba kulang? Ano pa bang gusto mo? Bat ba ako kulang? Ano pa bang kulang? Tangina. Pagod na ako pero bat tuloy pa rin. Patuloy pa rin yung pakikipag away ko sa isipan ko na tama na pero bakit sige pa rin ako. Alam mo bang masakit. Tangina sibrabg sakit. Mahal ko sarili ko pero ano bang kailangan ng sarili ko para masabi mong ako'y sayo at ika'y akin? Wala. Wala kasi i blame the malandi of all ages. Eh tangina ginago ka nga niya. Option. Number 2. Pangalwa. Tester dahil nilandi ka muna niya bago ka seryosohin. Gago u deserve more than that. Judge me all they want pero ayun talaga yung nasa kalooban ko na kung magkakagusto ka, sa taong karapadapat. Gago ikaw nagsabi nun bigwasan kaya kita. Shet sa totoo lang pagod na ako. Pero seeing u turns things around. Na para bang may cause pa pero wala naman talaga pero bakit nga ba go lang go.

I just can’t comprehend yung mga pangyayari. Shet YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AND UGH ang sakit na wala akong magawa. 

W a l a. A four-letter word na nagssignify na the end of something.  PAINFUL. I gave a lot of me to something that’s impossible and won’t exist. Sabi nga ni Ma-ma:

Ikaw na gunagawa ng ikasasakit mo e. Mahirap umiwas masasaktan ka. Pero mas maganda ng umiwas kesa sa paulit ulit kang madudurog. 

Pero I believe in hope. Hope in a small amount of chances even if the odds aren’t in my favor (no pun intended). But is this hope not worth my time? Is hope, this time, not worth clinging to? 

Maybe it’s time to let go?  Or should I continue to hold on?  I don’t know anymore. SHET. 

[briefthieves]

TO: The Burgis (1/2)

Was going to send this to her but didn’t have the courage to do so.

Hi burgis. 

Nawa'y di ka mailang after mo basahin toh haha. So ayun ewan kung shy ka mas shy ako kaya wala akong maimik kanina lol nablanko ako as usual tas ayun kung sa side ko ang hanap mo eto kaso bare with me kasi mahirap magtranslate ng thoughts wokaaay. Hahaha no balls man pero mas madali sa ganito at least di ka na mahihiya ganun basta. 

So ayun 1). Gusto ba kita? Oo in a way na sseryosohin ganun. Pero ayun sabi mo nga di naman ganun tingin mo sa akin ok lang haha wala naman akong magagawa kaya ples lang wag kang maiilang. Tas tbh masakit lang makita yung mga NAKIKITA ko kasi ayun special tingin ko sayo and u get da point naman kung bat masakit haha. Ok lang talaga na friends lang tingin mo sadyang may point talagang masakit sa akin pero it's not your fault so don't be sorry. Please lang wag kang maiilang kasi may 50/50 man akong belief na mangyayari trust me harmless yan di po ko oa huhu madrama lang naman hahahahahahahaha. 

Tas ayun kung nagtataka ka bat ganito na kami ni KD well ganun talaga. Oo may galit ako sa kanya pero I have my reasons and well ayoko na lang muna pagtuunan ng pansin yun. One factor din pala yun kung bat masakit lol. Tska civil naman kinakausap pag necessary ganun pero ayun basta YON hahaha. Tbh ulet pag tinanong mo ko kung ok ako ang automatic kong sagot ay hindi. Well di mo naman ako tinanong kanina kaya ayan tanong ko sagot ko. Ewan idk na nasira na ata hypothalamus ko at idk what to feel. Pero ayun sana lang talaga di matapon yung prendship ganun haha wag ka sanang mailang huhu mas masakit pa yung mailang ka kay sa yung makita ko kayong magkasama haha. Pero wala it is ok so ayun haha nawa'y may natutunan ka sa mga pinagttype ko at ayun di ka na mashy sa akin. Basta pag need mo naman ng kausap nand2 lang akq duuhhh wag kang pabebe oy hahaha tska wag ka muna maniwala sa mga naririnig mo kasi ayun baka nga mali intindi nila or sadyang kulang ang nasagap na impormasyon.

Dugyot ‘di ba? 

Hindi worth i-send right? 

[briefthieves]

TO: The Gamer

I’ve always noticed you from afar. 

I never knew you yet you seem to appear everywhere. I wasn’t too gaga over the thought you were a beauty of CS. All I know was you’re just another happy crush. I knew a few things about you. I knew you’re a gamer and pretty good at LoL.  You were very active in college activities. 

That was all I knew about you.  You were just another reason why I’m bi.  I tell my friends you were crush-material yet they keep saying you were rude and bossy and that I should just forget about you. I beg to differ.  I knew you were more than the gamer chick of CS.  I was fortunate to work beside you.  For that short time, I got a peek at who you really are.  You’re makulit as hell and I find that adorable.  You’re artistic af. Man do you know what you’re doing.  You’re talented. I wish I didn’t took piano lessons for granted. You are more than what you describe yourself.  Why do you keep on underestimating yourself?  I know you’re broken. But aren’t we all, if not totally, a bit broken inside? I keep telling you I’ve moved on from my past and you jokingly tell me I don’t sound like I’ve moved on.  We were both broken.

You were good at hiding that broken ‘you’ that everything looked okay in the outside. I wasn’t  too happy looking at you like that.  I just think you deserve better. No. You definitely deserve better.  You’re beautiful. And beautiful doesn’t only pertain to what’s on the outside. You are a strong independent individual. I find it awesome. Then I saw you smile. I couldn’t tell whether it was genuine or not. But man do I want to see that smile every day. Then I made you laugh. It’s so fulfilling to make my crush laugh.  I could stare at you for hours, but I’ll melt if you’d look back.  Why must you continuously mope about him if he does not even see YOU? I teased you about the list of guys who await your full attention. You laughed and said negative things about you. Why? Sure you have flaws, but that doesn’t mean you’re not beautiful.  You are beautiful. A fool wouldn’t see true beauty. If he can’t see it, then he’s full of shit.  But I can see it. They may say your this and that, but I believe you’re beautiful.  Imperfect is beautiful. For a short time, I got to have a glance of YOU. It was imperfect, yet it was beautiful.