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His alternate name was Cthulhuchu.

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Waking up on a Sunday morning:

Bob Barker: Closest guess to actual time on the clock wins. What is your bid?

Me: 10am.

Bob: You win! Choose your prize from the showcase.

Me: Yay, I'll take the extra cat nap, a casual lunch, and...

Bob: Now it's 1:30p.

Me: Wait. What?

Bob: You win the headache.

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Science needs to hurry up and make me live a couple of hundred years, because I've got a lot of shit I'd like to do... but I'm also really lazy.

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If my unattended hobbies were dingoes, we'd be fresh out of babies.

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I am thankful that our universe did not collide with another one today, thereby distorting physics and making math harder than it already is.

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Documents related to the Certificate of Compliance for this attraction can be found inside Mr. Binky’s oversized “fun pants”

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I will probably never need a gynecological exam, but I’ve ridden the Matterhorn at Disneyland, so I know how to sit for one.

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Dear Jesus, Some random post on Facebook just informed me that you died for my sins. I swear I didn’t know. I would’ve sent a card or bought you lunch or something. But, if it makes you feel better, I’ve definitely made it worth your effort. As sins go, I picked some really good ones.

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When Extra says they have spoilers for your favorite TV show, don’t worry. What they really have is 11 seconds of stock footage, 4 seconds of cast members saying, “everything changes this season”, and then an update of what Caitlyn Jenner had for lunch.