britestariknight - Tumblr blog

[britestariknight]

@popcultureprincess90 you know how I roll. Lol

what all the shows I watch include

[britestariknight]

I really can’t picture anyone having a crush on me - like, the very idea makes me want to laugh because it’s so absurd. I can’t picture someone constantly thinking about me or getting flustered when I smile or someone wanting to shower me with affection. Someone who anxiously waits until I text them and then smile when I do or someone who gets nervous when we are in touch because they don’t want to fuck up. Why on earth would someone do that because of me.

[britestariknight]

I went to your funeral last night

There was nothing, and then you were gone. Just like that, in a instant. I didn’t know how to feel... Actually, I still don’t.

I was numb, confused, and... sad, maybe? Other people were there, I think, well I assume, but all I couldn’t see or hear them. It was just the two of us.

You said you wanted a Catholic funeral. Honestly, I was too far lost in my emotions to pay attention. I hope it was what you wanted.

You once told me, when your brother died, that you didn’t want black worn to your funeral. Instead you wanted bright happy colors, so I sat there, in god awful bright yellow, with my back to your tombstone, verbally sobbing. Something I haven’t done since I was a kid.

I began to babble. As soon as I could talk, I couldn’t stop. Words flowed out of my mouth. Mostly apologies for everything that was wrong with me and wrong with our relationship. Hell, I’m pretty sure I was apologizing for being myself at some point. Time no longer had meaning, so I don’t know how long I stayed.

Before anybody could get through to me, assuming anybody was trying, I woke up. I was lying in bed, and Katniss was wanting to be fed.I sat up slowly and looked at my phone. I needed to get going, because I was meeting you and Dad for breakfast before the baseball game. The three of us were going for Mother’s Day.

As reality set in, I found more questions that answers. Why would I dream about your funeral? Why on Mother’s Day? How could I be around you after experiencing something like that?? For the first time in years, I actually did verbally sob, but those tears were about facing you after what I’d just been though.

Even now, I’m really struggling. I bite back the tears as I remind myself that none of it is real. You are alive an well, and I am the same person I’ve always been.

[britestariknight]

Minecraft anyone?

Any other adults on here interested in getting a multi-player server going?

[britestariknight]

Ready Player One

Ever since I first listened to the audio book for this one, I was sooooooo excited to see the film. The overall concept of the story and the setting have captivated me and inspired me to no end. I’ve seen the movie twice now.

Out of curiosity, I’ve started checking out some of the Halliday classics mentioned in the book. I found the movie War Games on HBO, and I really enjoyed it. I spent the movie imagining Parzival and Art3mis playing the role of David as they were clearing the Bronze Gate. It definitely added a fun layer to watching the classic film.

I then moved on to Fast Times at Ridgemont High. In the opening scene, I noticed a familiar outfit worn by Mike, the kid who was scalping tickets. Interestingly enough, this is the same outfit worn by Parzival to the Distracted Globe in the movie version of RPO. It’s a light gray blazer with a couple of pins on it with a pink and purple stripped tie.This really confused me because Art3mis, Aech, and Parzival all called it Buckaroo Banzai’s outfit. Curious, I decided the next movie on my list was Buckaroo Banzai. I needed to get to the bottom of this.

So, I watched most of Buckaroo Banzai (I have 15 minutes left), but WOW is that a bad movie!! The writing sucks, the audio quality is terrible, and it just can’t hold my attention worth a damn. I got as far as I did only to see if Buckaroo ever wore the same outfit that Parzival wore to the Distracted Globe, which he did not. He wore similar outfits, but nothing even close to Parzival’s outfit.

So, what’s the point of ripping off one 80′s movie costume and tagging it as another? Why not actually use one of Buckaroo’s outfits, or simply reference Fast Times instead of Buckaroo Banzai? Not like they were opposed to making drastic changes to the story anyway...

Overall, going back to Fast Times at Ridgemont High, was kind of a meh movie. There were some funny parts, but overall, it just didn’t make you give a damn about any of the characters or what happened to them. They were all flat... Plus, there was a scene where a 25 year old male goes to town on a 13 year old female. Sure, she lied and said she was 19, and it was consensual, but still.. The writing definitely gave me the sense that there was a HUGE pressure on girls in high school to have sex. Since I was not living as my true gender during high school, I cannot say if things are any better or worse for girls growing up in the 2000s, although I can say it’s no where near good...

[britestariknight]

A Couple of Things on my Mind I can Never say

I feel like life is full of things that are better left unsaid because I don’t think any good would come from bringing them up with the right people,  so why not write them out on the internet? Yeah, I’m full of bright ideas today...

1) Growing up was really tough. I know things could have been a lot worse, and I have things to be thankful for, but there’s one thing that kills me more than anything else. Being the younger sibling, I always idolize my sister growing up. She was cool and everybody liked her. All I wanted to do was spend time with her, but she would always yell at me to stop being annoying or to leave her alone. All I’d be doing was standing in her door way asking to hang out with her and all she’d do (most of the time) is yell “<old name>, stop”, and all of the sudden I’d get in trouble with my parents (who were typically downstairs and never saw anything). Every time, they would take her side and I would be in trouble, no matter what I said to them. It broke my confidence, and slowly broke me. I never felt wanted. I was so different from them and I never felt like I belonged. I almost ran away quite a few times, and once, in the second or third grade, I was ready to kill myself because I was alone. I actually went to sleep that night with my pocket knife on my chest. I’m still trying to figure out why I kept going, and what keeps me going now.

2) Speaking of growing up, here’s a bit more salt to that wound. I used to cry myself to sleep a lot because i was convinced I was born as both a boy and a girl, and my parents had to chose my gender, and since they had my sister, they picked male for me. I would cry because I knew they were wrong, and I didn’t have the words to tell them how I felt. Maybe things would be different if I could have...

3) A long the same painful lines, I developed a habit where I would gather all of my blankets and make sure none of them hung over any of the edges of my bed. I did this obsessively because my dream was that a  glass cover like a cockpit of a plane would enclose my bed and I would be taken away and “forced” to be a girl (with the help of science), and it wouldn’t happen if my blankets hung over the edge because the glass cover wouldn’t be able to work properly and I’d be stuck at home, and a boy.

Even though these things still haunt me to the point that I’m writing them here. I never plan to talk to my family about any of this because no good can come from that. If I told them, I would be assigning fault, and they would say sorry, and that would be it. Sorry doesn’t heal wounds like these. It would just make me resent them for everything.That’s not what I want. I want to let go of this pain and I want to move forward. I want to have a healthy relationship with them. I want to be honest about how I feel and I want to communicate my needs with them and I’m working on it. I guess the moral from this story is that it’s up to each of us to decide if we will let the past be our present, or it we will focus on moving forward into the future.

[britestariknight]

I feel so emotionally blocked lately

I’m not sure what’s going on with me, but I’m having a very hard time expressing myself lately. My motivation is plummeting and I just feel lost. I wish I knew what was missing or what I needed. That would help...

[britestariknight]

Nope. Nope. Nope.

In the audio book I'm listening to, there's a hetero couple and they at talking about their feelings and needs. She said he would never be alone and he said she would always be listened to and I lost it I just started crying because I know what it's like to struggle with loneliness and having my voice heard. I have both of those needs and I doubt that I'm one of those people who is ever going to have their needs met. I think life is just like that...

[britestariknight]

I feel like I am letting everyone down

I've been struggling lately, but it's really hard for me to put into the right words so people can understand why I feel this way, so I say nothing and just smile.

[britestariknight]

Anyone have an good suggestions for making online friends?

I’m running out of ideas...

[britestariknight]

The Future

I've been a long time fan of books, movies, and shows that deal with living in a virtual world, like Tron, Sword Art Online, and Ready Player One.

I'm obsessed with the idea of living in a virtual world because it so naturally blends possibility with imagination. I genuinely belive that unlocking the digital world will make the world a much better place.

Mostly we see virtual reality in the realm of video games, but I believe if we can break beyond that stereotype, we can truly embrace its potential.

I personally believe education is the realm that is going to break the mold. Virtual reality has the ability to get kids out of their seats and engaged in hands on learning.

Just imagine the possibilities...

[britestariknight]

Why I am still alive

Yesterday I was told that in 2 years, once I am 30, I will change my mind about wanting kids.

I know, for a fact, I will never want to have kids. I don't want that lifestyle or responsibility. I understand the gravity of being a parent, and I am not a good fit for it.

On top of that, existence is pain emotional, mental, and physical pain. In exchange for the pain we endure, we get experiences and connections, and it is up to each of us to decide if the ratio of pain to experiences is acceptable or not. For me, it's not.

After explaining all of that, I was asked why I was still alive. The answer is simple, I want to change my situation. I want to get more experiences and more connections to balance out the pain I have endured. I believe it can change, and I am working on that.

[britestariknight]

Old Texts

I was looking through my old texts and found the texts from when I was dumped last summer. I handled it well, and I was honest, but I wish we would have fought it out and tried to make things work. It was 8 days after all. What could we have possibly know about each other?

But that was in the past. It's done. I've learned my lesson. The texts were deleted.

[britestariknight]

I’m not sure where to start....

I guess to make a long story short, I’ve been really struggling with feeling insignificant and under appreciated lately.

[britestariknight]

I’m tempted to Google something...

I’ve been casually thinking about googling “How to make friends on the internet”. I haven’t yet because I feel weird about it.

The pros are that I could find a place to make more friends and expand my social horizons.

The cons are that I would feel REALLY pathetic about it. I know I’m hurting for some companionship, but I don’t think that’s something google can solve for me.

I guess, I’m just looking online for a place where I belong and people to connect with that belong there too. Like a sense of community or something I guess. :/

[britestariknight]

Something has been unexpectedly coming up a lot lately

I’ve been living full time as a woman for about 4ish months now, and I am running into something I was not prepared for.

Being full time, A LOT of my gender dysphoria has gone away. I still have certain triggers, which this post is about a specific one, but I will say that about half of the days I am not mentally separating myself from the cis women, so that’s some progress.

One of my triggers is when people apologize for misgendering me. I am fortunate enough to be surrounded by people who love and support me, and I am thankful for that. I understand that people who have known me by my old name for a long time need some time to make the transition. I really do appreciate their efforts to accommodate me, but when I get pulled aside by a coworker so he can apologize for using the wrong pronoun yesterday, I get really embarrassed and dysphoric because it reminds me that I am different, and I get really worried that people still see me as the old me. Truthfully, I don’t pay attention to the pronouns when I am around people I know are supportive because I know if I hear the wrong one, it’s because they are going through their own process and it’s not an attack on me. All I ask is that you try to get it right and keep working on it.

[britestariknight]

A Revaltion

I saw on FB yesterday that a friend of mine just got dumped from a friend that she was really close with. It was eerily similar to what happened with Sasuke 6 years ago, so I offered her some advise, and I think I made a breakthrough in my own situation.

I now accept that there was nothing more I could have done to change things. It was his decision and I had no control over it. I did everything I could to save that sinking ship.

I also accept that I was not ready to lose him. I was not ready to let go of everything he represented in my life back then and I was afraid of life without him.

I know that I have since grown and changed as a person. I am not the same person he knew. I am better. I have support and love in my life, and even though nobody filled his shoes, I realized that the role he played in my life is not one that I need to be my best self.

For the first time since he came into my life, let me acknowledged that I do not need him to define who I am. I define that for myself.