brittanykisseloff - Tumblr blog

[brittanykisseloff]

Dog owners going on a trip: 6 hours?! Oh well you’ll just have to come with us shmoopie poooo.

Cat owners going on a trip: I left the keys with a neighbor so you’ll be fed. Don’t break anything. See you next week.

[brittanykisseloff]

Internet cooks are always like “and this is all stuff you can find around the house” and then cook a lamb shank with truffle oil and octopus and the whole time they’re like “this is my Wednesday night recipe when I don’t feel like cooking. So easy!”

[brittanykisseloff]

I used to Google “does this drug go well with alcohol?” And now it’s “how do I avoid getting a neck hump?” 👵🏻 #aging #humpback #millenial

[brittanykisseloff]

[brittanykisseloff]

Sometimes when my life feels extraordinarily boring and routine I believe I am a side character in someone else’s life and I’m just on standby until they need me for something.

[brittanykisseloff]

Everyone: *dies from Bubonic Plague*

Guy who wrote “Ring Around the Rosie”: Kids need to sing about this.

[brittanykisseloff]

My toxic trait is going out and buying too much or staying home and eating too much.

[brittanykisseloff]

My Brain: Let’s just try for some vegetables.

Me, fully grown: Do or do not. There is no-

My Brain: Eat. A vegetable.

[brittanykisseloff]

Me: Hey this food’s pretty good.

Gordon Ramsay: *enters* Right-

Me: Fuck…

[brittanykisseloff]

Is there a rejection hotline for FaceTime? Like if someone is asking for an unwarranted sex chat you can give them a number that sends them to, I don’t know, a boomerang of Nick Cage picking his nose?

[brittanykisseloff]

Do people still dance the Macarena, Chicken Dance, and do The Limbo at parties, or was that just some kind of 90s fever dream?

[brittanykisseloff]

Pandora: Alright that was Frank Sinatra with “Silent Night”, and now here’s the first half hour of the animated film of Dr. Seuss’s “How the Grinch Stole Christmas”.

Me: Really?

Pandora: “Every Who down in Whoville liked Christmas a lot…”

Me: Interesting…

[brittanykisseloff]

Anybody ever randomly remember Tru Confessions? That movie was a dose of deep I never thought I wanted but always knew I needed.

[brittanykisseloff]

I won’t stop celebrating Halloween until all the clearance candy is gone.

[brittanykisseloff]

I don't do frogs or grasshoppers. I just can't handle an animal with that much potential energy.