brokenoctopanda - Tumblr blog

[brokenoctopanda]

When you asked me to come back

You had claimed to have changed

You had said you had seen how hard it had been for me.

I'd talk to you about the things I struggled with, within my marriage.

And you'd actually make the comparisons yourself on how you had done those things in the past.

You knew I was damaged from everything that the last two years had put me through.

You had promised to show me grace and to show me love.

You had created a safe place to express myself.

I asked yoylubwhat would you do if they said I was crazy and you said you'd have to love me anyways.

Than so quickly you flipped the script.

There was no grace or understanding.

And the moments there were it was held above me.

You'd get mad I still spoke to my ex wife

Yet you refused to see how it was back to you being mean and her being nice.

It was so isolating.

The first month was amazing.

But so soon it was me feeling inadequate.

You getting angry before listening.

If only you would have listened, like you promised, like you had been.

I just needed you to listen and hear me and your responses not be pure anger.

That way it could have turned into another conversation.

Just like we had had for months before I agreed to come home.

But your ange remakes me shut down, makes me stammer, makes it hard to correctly express what I am feeling and thinking.

Than soon it was back to getting mad when I talked during a song.

It was Ibwas always doing something wrong.

While I'd be sitting there trying to defend myself but you being louder until I got angry and bit back

Than it'd spiral, until I'd finally just shut down

At first it was I could just stop my anger and come and hug you and you'd settle down

Than you started thinking that was manipulation

Not understanding that I needed the screaming and berating to stop to be able to stop myself

So you'd push me away.

Than you'd dissappear for hours

Decide not to call or text

Punish my calls and texts with longer silence

Then you push ke away twice out of your home, because let's face it I havent had a home

For years

I Try to claim certain places in my head

But since C street really I havebt had a home

I'm notnsure I could ever really pin point one place that fully feels like my home before or after

I tried so hard to save that home too

Just like our last home

Those two times, I'd try to restart, and than you'd call me home

I gave every ounce of myself to try and save this last place

I literally burned the candles at both ends while it was being melted in the middle

I tried so hard at somany things that nothing got accomplished

But you wanted changes in everything at once

Not acknowledging the changes that had been happening

Which would reset the who whole process

Until one day there's an eviction notice

Than court, and you tell me we're fine I'm safe.

So I don't look for a parachute

I trust and I defend

I lay awake sleepless nights full of tears and worry, or shut down completely and sleep and just tell myself when I wake up you'll be home

Until I'm moving our apartment by myself

Dealing with sherriffs and constantly rushing

Sleeping at my moms waiting tonhear from you

Than grocery shop, making sure you had work good you could store around work

Still thinking youbtaling some time to think but are still finding us a place

Than I go to the storage unit to find something I needed that day

Your there after not answering we ering or responding the night prior

I load groceries into whose ever car your borrowing

Than as I try to get some affection

You tell me I can't really be that stupid

The air left my lungs

I was weak in the knees

Yet for six months

The betrayal I was dealt was pushed to the side each time you needed me

I'd come to you with food, or company

Offering you every ounce of me

For you to go back to her

Who you would say treats you so badly

Things I couldn't imagine saying or doing to you

some times I sucked it up and pushed forward

Burning I didn't and I lost my composure or snapped

I was the worse creature on earth

Than you'd lesson the punishments of no communication or beratement

Than you'd need me again

Now I sit here wishing you'd left me in my marriage

Because I still had strength there

I at least had the strength to delete my existence than

How I wish I hadn't got caught that day

I wish that would have been my final chapter

Because lord knows I have tried countless times

Since becoming yours again, and the strength in that is even gone

I fail everytime

In which you just hold over my head how crazy and unstable I am for it

I'm not sure how most days I even function

I'm even less sure why I still after everything

The bloody noises, the bruises, the comments on my appearance, and anything about my entirety really

The fact I can't remember the last time you said anything positive about me

Yet would constantly ask for me to stroke your ego

And I'd sit there and tell you everything I loved about you from the hair on your head to the you toes, except I'd always say I love how they've supported you

Because I mean come on feet, and yours on top of it

I'll rub them but I'd never kiss, well we know that's a lie. But I can say I'd never suck on them..

Bit after all the pain you've put me through

Why the fuck do I still love you, why can't I sleep without dreaming of you.

Why can't I stop the crying

Why do I wake up somenights forgetting your gone and reaching for yiu

To quickly be shattered once more

Why does your lack of love destroy my whole ability to push downward slme days

Why does it hurt so bad that you don't love me anymore

[brokenoctopanda]

Existing

Do you know how hard it is existing on this world without you? You see, I think unwittingly somewhere along these past two years, I traded my soul away in order to have you love Mr the wah you used to. And while I did everything I could to try and turn your head again. There', one thing I should have remembered about Genies rules for c wishes and the way love potio b s always go awry. That rule being, spells, wishe, or even like Megs deal to Hades, no matter what you give, beg, borrow or steal. The heart is not something that can be controlled in that way. Now that it's over and we can not even text at the moment, I crumble at the thought of you. I could find myself actually enjoying something, a rare feeling each day that passes.Thenn my brain wants to text you and share it with you, and I fall to pieces, the joy being snatched out of my chest. Ididn'tt want to make memories without you and the memories I do make I want b to share with you. And each day I can't. I feel this utter blankness envelope, my chest truly aches, and I wonder what the point even is in moving on to the next day. It's supposed to get c easier from what I've heard. But when you were literally my whole world, and then it all got snapped away in an instant. To then be dangled in front of me and taken back until it drives me to the point of insanity. Andthenn all but cut, scraped and removed from me entirely, leaving a gaping chasm. I find it hard to exist and look for the point in moving forward to another day where I feel like a piece of me is missing.

[brokenoctopanda]

I never thought I was a person who needed touch. I thought what I wanted was conversation, I thought a more intellectual level of relationship was what I needed from life. So much so that I secluded myself from people, from the comfort of closeness. I lost the understanding about how much touch could cure my soul. However, after such a long extent of trying to push through the trials these last years has placed before me. I could only wish to finally have that moment, the one that warms the very corners of the coldest parts of your soul. The ability to walk through the door, and say:

"Todays been a bad day. Can we cuddle and watch my favorite comfort movie? Please?"

And to see the one I love, already building a giant pile out of blankets and pillows. Saying, "Come here, love."

Prompt #113

“Today’s been a bad day. Can we cuddle and watch my favorite comfort movie? Please?”

Already building a giant pile out of blankets and pillows, “Come here, love.”

[brokenoctopanda]

As he stood shocked by her outcry, she looked at him a silent agonizing rage in her eyes. Than she asked, "If you were ripped from everything you knew, no chance to even say goodbye, or grab a piece of home to bring along. Told that everyone you knew and love would never know the truth behind where you had gone. Spent hours crying silently thinking of your mother and brother, and what that must be thinking/ feeling. Or of the man whose heart you had sewn to yours. If you spent hours, days, months, years, craving a home you know you can never return. Than tell me would you not be cruel, horrible, and unjust. I am merely a product of what your people created."

She than collapsed to the floor. The fury that was in his chest moments before was swallowed by a remorse he had never known. He slowly walked to the heap of cloth, and lace on the floor.

As he kneeled beside her, he truly noticed her for the first time. Though he knew her to be thin and buxtourious, and had attributed that to the corsets and layers of lace and cotton she dressed herself in. He had not noticed how frail she actually was.

The corset did not hold in any sort of gut or unsightly fat from escaping her prim body. It instead held her back in place, as her spine pushed against it, contorted and twisted. Her face was not wrinkled and her hair was not dyed. The makeup was layered to cover the sorrow that lived behind her eyes, and her hair, yet Grey at the ends shown with a natural vibrancy.

As he went to scoop her weak body in his arms. An arm fell from the mass of cloth, though white as a ghost from years of locking herself away. It was astoundingly colored in a way that made his heart stop.

Her arms were covered in scars as well as fresh wounds. She was the hardest on herself, he could see this now. The ability to stand had escaped his power. He lowered himself to the ground, cradling her head in his lap, he kissed every battle wound that etched out a legacy of pain across her skin.

As he sat there in the desolate silence, he whispered to her, I will make it my life's mission that you are brought home. He than took his free hand, and gently tucked a lose strand if hair behind her ear. Kissed her for head, and promised on more time that she would be home once again.

He than pulled her close, as he rested his back against the wall. He sang a song of purpose, intent and a love so pure and true, he never knew it had existed. Eventually his ballad faded into a light slumber. His breathing fell in tune with hers, and the hollowness of the night continued on toward day.

When he awoke as dawn came upon them, and the sun crept through the drapes covering the windows. He had a sense of determination fill his soul. He looked down and felt a sense of completeness he had never known before.

He knew the woman in his arms was the woman he had always waited for. He wept silently at the knowledge that she had been in front of him his whole life. He was going to work towards mending the crimes of his people. He was going to reignite her fire for life, and bring out the woman that the world had stolen from her.

As he went to wake her though, he realized her body, though it had relaxed and softened in his embrace the night prior. It was now stiff and tense. When he went to kiss her head to wake her, it was ice against his lips.

His entire spirit shattered in that instant. How could he have found the woman he had dreamt of, added for his whole life. And then in the matter of hours she was stolen from him.

How could she be so cruel, unjust, and horrible, he thought. Well, in the same way he could form a hatred for the world he lived in. He would follow through with his promise though. And in the way of his people he wrapped her body on silks and cloths. And he than boarded a ship, with his beloved entombed, set sail for her homeland.

Nothing more is known from the day he left the stores of Egypt. Whether he returned her to her home, or if they were swallowed by the seas, it has never been determined.

“You are a horrible person. Unjust and cruel.”

“Then send me home!” She shouted, the sound ripping at her throat. He stepped back in shock. “Send me home! I wasn’t horrible there! I wasn’t unjust there! I wasn’t cruel there!”

[brokenoctopanda]

Make a Wish!

I wish I didn't know what it felt to be dying of a broken heart. However, since the last time you told me yet again, I wasn't the one. The time that I lost my rationality, after begging you not to do it again. The time that landed you in cuffs and me so mad at myself for not just understanding that this was the cycle of you and I, at least for now. Since having to drive away with you sitting there that night, my chest has been acting funny. We've known i suffer from high blood pressure, and our life was so far from peaceful. But this is a new kind of ache. The kind that stops me on my tracks, my brain solidifies than simultaneously turns to mush. My heart seizes and shatters all at once. Just like tonight when I looked at the clock. 11:11 was a thing I did with your little sister, our best friend. Then, during the time I ran off and got married, it was a thing between my wife and I. Lastly, or so I thought, it was a thing that my girlfriend (eventually our girlfriend) shared. But though you and I shared many sayings, and cute things specific to us, 11:11 was not ours However, just like so many other thjngs you decided to claim or put your memory to in then end. Knowing that you were eventually just going to leave again. You tied yourself to that piece of me as well. Now, instead of stopping when those numbers pop across my screen and saying a silent prayer to the galaxies. Time stands still, and I hear you on the other end of a phone call. Something that had become so rare. And I hear you say "Make a wish," when I reply, confused. "What?"You say it's 11:11. Make a wish. In that moment, I stood where I was, hearing you breathe on the other end of the phone, wishing so bad to stand beside you. I wished you were mine again. Then, time starts back up as it did tonight. My brain evaporates, my heart crumbles, and the tears fall so fast and hard that even Alice can not survive the flood. At that moment, I wish so many wishes at once. That you were mine, that I could let you go, that you never uttered those words. And that I didn't know what it felt like to suffer from a litteral broken heart. Because ever since that day, I had to drive away, ever since I couldn't get the cops to stay away. My heart has not worked properly since. Though it sounds melodramatic, and I sound like I'm overreacting, I believe I may actually be dying of a broken heart. So when 11:11 hits, I wish you could understand how much I plead, to just be able to be me, but so much deeper, I yearn that you were standing here holding me.