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i want to start healing but i’m scared

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what if i never have a love like i read about in books? that terrifies me.

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“The strongest people are the ones who are still kind even after the world tore them a part.”

— Raven Emotion

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H-

i miss you

-S

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i’m finally over you idk what happened. but i put enough time into myself and now i’m so over you. you’ll always have a place in my memory but i don’t even think there’s space for you in my heart anymore. wow.

D,

it’s been over 6 years and i still think about you almost every day. sometimes i feel like i could forget you or like i’m over it. and maybe i am over it. but it still hurts. to know i had you and lost you. to not even be friends with you when you were the first person who showed me love other than familial love.

how could you have had such an impact on my life after only knowing each other for less than a month?why does my heart still hurt?

i’ve fallen in love after you. or so i thought. but it was never as pure. it was never as innocent or genuine.

there have been months where i don’t think about you at all. and then it all comes crashing down onto me again as if my heart was just broken yesterday.

i’ll never forget that pain. my first heartbreak. it felt like i was dying.

i had an ache in my chest for months. it felt like a had a gaping hole where my heart once was. there was constant pressure on my lungs like a couldn’t breathe. and there was nothing i could do to heal it.

i wonder if it was the same for you.

i don’t know why this happens to me still. i don’t know why i can’t forget you no matter how hard i work on loving myself and becoming a better person... you’re somehow always on my mind.

maybe it’s because i had something amazing and i lost it because of my immaturity. because i wasn’t ready to let myself be loved. because i was afraid you would see me how i saw myself and then leave me.

what a self-fulfilling prophecy right?

i lost you.

because i was so broken and confused. and the little girl inside me still had wounds that were never treated. that i refused to acknowledge.

we found each other when i wasn’t healed or ready or mature enough to understand the magnitude of what i felt for you and what it meant if i lost you. and before we knew it you were being ripped away from me. even though it wasn’t your choice.

so i sabotaged what was left because i felt like i didn’t deserve you and because i didn’t want you to hurt me first.

i was hurt and i wanted to hurt you for leaving me. even though you couldn’t help it. even though you didn’t want to. even though you were hurting too.

and then i got mad at you for being hurt even though you handled it so well. i blamed you for circumstances neither of us could have controlled. and i’m sorry.

you were so mature beyond your years. while i acted out like a child. like the broken brat that i was. you did not deserve that, D.

i said so many things i regret and that i can never take back.

i remember telling you i cursed God for giving me you and then taking you away from me. i regret those words so much. i’m so sorry i ever said them to you. you didn’t deserve to read those words from me.

i think it is still you seeing me at my worst, for who i really was at that time, that still upsets me. that that is your memory of me.

sometimes i wonder what it would have been like if i didn’t act out. if i didn’t hurt you. if i wasn’t childish. would be still be friends? maybe we would have found each other again?

to lose you completely and not even have you as a friend is my biggest regret.

i know you’re with someone now. and you have been for almsot 2 years. and while it hurts to know you’re happy with someone else, i’m also happy you found someone worth giving your love to. who appreciates you, and treats you well. someone who is good for you and hopefully helps you grow.

you and her will probably get married and settle down and have a family. something i’m probably too broken to ever be able to do.

i wonder if she’s your first real love. i wonder if you found her and realized i wasn’t your first love and that we were just too young and stupid to know what love really was. that your feelings for me weren’t what you thought they were.

i wonder if you forgot all about me. and if i was easy to forget.

it was only a few weeks after all...

why do i still care? why does it still hurt? why, after all these years, do i still think about you like this? why aren’t there more guys like you in the world?

you’re the only person who has ever treated me with love and tenderness that was romantic, genuine, and pure.

you saw through my cold exterior and my firm walls and still wanted to be with me. you saw something in me i didn’t see in myself. and you loved me. or at least you said that you did. you made me want to be a better person. you inspired me.

you know, you were first person that ever made my heart so content? so calm and full, but also gave me butterflies. and not the anxious kind, but the kind that made me feel like i was floating in the clouds. you’re the first and only person who’s first kiss made me feel like electricity was literally flowing through my veins. i rememebr sitting on that bench in the town of vienna and it felt like the entire world slowed down and stopped for a full 10 seconds. i felt your heartbeat and mine. everything else was blurred except for you and me. and it was only a kiss. it felt like our souls knew each other. it was something deeper than i had ever experienced. something i couldn’t explain. before you i had done everything, and nothing had ever made me feel that way. it felt like a fairytale. like the novels i loved to read. you swept me off of my feet with your kindness and compassion. i wasn’t ever worried about how you felt about me. i never had to ask you. you always told me what you felt without hesitation and you treated me with respect. you showed me something that to this day no one has ever been able to show me again. i didn’t have to ask you to treat me right or to buy me flowers. you still to this day the most genuine and kind person i have ever met. no one has ever compared.

since you, i’ve had soul connections again. but not the same. maybe i’m just delusional and what we had wasn’t even that strong. sometimes i don’t know if i made half of this up in my head or if you really felt the same way about me. if you were even ever as devastated and heartbroken as a i was.

i stay up and night wondering if someone will ever show me love like you did. if im even capable of being loved. if you even loved me or if it was just the infatuation of 2 teenagers who had never felt such strong feelings before. sometimes i doubt it was even real. like it was too good to be true.

but it was wasn’t it? too good to be true.

i feel so stupid for crying over puppy love from when i was 17. but i’m maybe i’m just crying over the fact that i’m scared i’ll never feel something so pure and genuine again. like maybe i don’t deserve it. i mean it’s been 6 years.

i came close once. to feeling the same as i did with you. but that ended up being a lie. only to leave me wondering again... will i ever find someone that could even come close to you?

every time something goes wrong i’m my life i cry over you and i don’t know why. i miss you but i also hardly know you. how is that even possible?

sometimes if i’m really sad, i’ll read the letter you wrote me. the goodbye letter where you told me you loved me. and you told me i was perfect. and it makes me cry all over again because you saw the good in me i didn’t see in myself.

i don’t know if i’ll lever stop with the “what if’s”, or if i’ll ever forgive myself.

i wish more than anything that we could even just be friends. i feel like we’d get along. i really do. i think we’d be good friends honestly.

anyways. you will always have a place in my heart, D. forever. even if you don’t know it. i’ll literally never forget you.

love,

S

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what’s the point of expressing my feelings if no one even cares

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i showed all the signs, how did you not notice?

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H-

i cant believe you’re letting 10 years of friendship and the past 2/3 years of becoming really close go down the drain all because you couldn’t communicate properly to me and when i tried to do so you got defensive and avoidant and decided that not talking about anything was the way to let it go down.

i poured my heart out to you and even tried to communicate and have a conversation so we could understand each other and you completely ignored me. i was only trying to be mature and not let my anger of your pettiness get the best of me. i truly don’t understand your problem.

if you want to pretend i’m the toxic one go ahead. that’s on you that all of these years are now nothing. i could never trust you ever again after this honestly. i don’t trust your intentions. you’re sneaky and manipulative and i’ve seen it multiple times and it made me very uncomfortable even when it wasn’t directed at me.

that’s why at the end of the day i’m fine if you never talk to me again because i know i’ve always had good intentions and i’ve always tried to communicate and be open and honest which i can’t say for you.

i hope one day you grow out of those toxic behaviors and you can work through whatever issues you have right now with your therapist.

i wish you the best as long as you have good intentions. i know it’s not all your fault you’re that way and that childhood trauma has a lot to do with it but we’re 24. at some point you have to grow out of that shit.

i was really sad at first and was crying that you were being so mean over miscommunication and that you weren’t even willing to talk it out, but after like 6 weeks i realize that that’s not my problem. that’s your problem.

i said everything i wanted to. the ball was in your court and you chose not to throw it back. that’s on you.

goodbye.

- S

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“I think of you so often you have no idea.”

— James Joyce

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