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Cry Baby

Today I realized i’ve cried more in the past year of trying to conceive than I have in several years. I have been an emotional wreck. I cry when I’m alone. I cry when I cant sleep. I cry when I’m sad because I dont want to be sad. 

Everyday isnt a horrible day. But today has been pretty rough. I feel fat, and I know it’s not because i’m pregnant. I’ve been stress eating and depression makes me not want to work out. It makes me not want to anything. 

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Silver Lining: Preparing for Babies While TTC, Fighting Depression with Hope

So I decided that the best way for me to remain positive is to prepare. Whether I have months or years to prepare, I will spend my idle time doing that. It’s the only way I am able to think about TTC in a positive light, kind of how things were before we actually started trying. 

So in addition to deep cleaning and de-cluttering the house, i’ll be writing to this blog to share with my children (once they’re much older of course). I want them to know how badly I wanted them before they were even conceived. I want my children to know the blood, sweat, and tears that have gone into getting them here. I want them to know how loved they were and are, even though they are still just a dream at the moment. 

I hate not being in control and I think that’s what’s made this journey the hardest. But I think i’m learning that I have to embrace being powerless because that is an important part of being a parent. There will be times that my babies will need me to relinquish control and let them be them. One day my babies will no longer be babies and i’m sure the grief will be similar, if not worse. So maybe that’s the lesson i’m supposed to be learning while I wait.

Well babies, you have a very eager mommy and a very supportive daddy. Dad doesn’t always know how to deal with my crazy woman moments, but he holds me while I cry, he says whatever he can to cheer me up, and he makes me smile. He is getting some practice in too because one day he’ll have to do this for you. He is learning to be patient. So am I. 

We love you already. We call you by name when we talk about the future. We cant wait to meet you. 

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Hope and How to Cope: TTC after Myomectomy with PCOS and BV

I realized that talking to friends, family, coworkers, and strangers just wasnt helping me in the way I thought it was. I have to do something. I know that this downward spiral of depression was not going to help any more than anything else I tried would. 

I want to be a happy person again. I know that if i’d finally get pregnant, all my depression would be cured. But there’s no use in being depressed while I wait. It’s going to happen whenever it’s going to happen anyway right?

It’s hard to abandon all logic. It’s hard not to “try”. I’m an ambitious person. Anything i’ve ever achieved in life took TRYING. That’s what i’ve done well at. Ambition, hard work, effort, research, consistency, and trying until I succeeded is always how i’ve operated. Why is this one thing that i’ve wanted more than ANYTHING not happening for me?

Why are women who dont want kids getting pregnant? Why are woman who are not eating healthy getting pregnant? Why are rape victims getting pregnant? Why are women who dont want the kids they already have getting pregnant? Why is literally everyone around me suddenly popping up pregnant? Yet i’m trying and want it so badly and it doesnt happen?

Well, after depression, jealousy, and stress, I looked up and realized I was no longer myself. This ugly depressed person had taken over and she was going to ruin my relationship and I’d definitely miss out on motherhood then. 

So how do I cope?

Here’s what i’ve tried:

Deleting data from period apps and deleting apps.

Communicating with my partner. (being transparent about bv and depression)

Trying to find joy in other things. 

Keeping myself busy.

Writing.

Has this fixed anything? I dont know. I still get emotional and I have my moments. But i’m human. I’m trying. Thats all I know how to do.

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Trying and Failing on So Many Levels

So the first week that we were supposed to try, I was fertile, aroused, and had a perfect cycle. Day 14, ewcm on deck, and libido through the roof. Boyfriend and I had talked about this for months. The day was finally here. I get in bed... He’s too tired from work. He watches TV and falls asleep. 

My world came crashing down. I became angry. I wanted to scream. Why would he turn me down, watch TV, and go to sleep when It’s time for us to get pregnant?! I somehow knew that this was our only chance to get pregnant this month. He’d soon be gone again for work and I’d be busy again. Lets just say I suffered in silence. After all, we had discussed letting it just “happen” and being spontaneous. 

But I was going crazy. It was rough. But I got over it. Eventually, I decided that it was another opportunity for me to exercise and lose some more weight before getting pregnant. 

And so, for the next few months I kept going back and diving into that same swimming pool with no water. Month after month, I was crushed. BFN after BFN. Each time, I questioned myself. I beat myself up. I blamed myself. It must be my PCOS. I must be too stressed. I must have worked out too hard. I must want it too badly. Then when that didnt make me feel better, I blamed him. He never wants to try when I want to. We didnt do it enough. He doesnt eat as healthy as me. Then I would blame myself again. I’m pressuring him too much. He’s turned off and has changed his mind about trying. The list goes on and on. 

Ultimately, it went from something that was supposed to be fun and exciting, to something that was depressing and stressful. Each month, I recorded my symptoms. Each month NEW symptoms! This must be it! I prayed harder, I relaxed more, I was more aroused, We had more tries during fertile week, my boobs are way more sore, i’ve never felt this type of twinge or pain, this has to be implantation bleeding, I exercised more (or less) this month, I felt flutters, I gained weight, I lost weight, I had negative thoughts, I had positive thoughts, insomnia, crazy dreams, nausea, and all kinds of other tell-tale signs. I knew I was pregnant every month. I was wrong every month.

Every time my cycle started, I went through a 2-3 day depression. Then I got over it and went into the next cycle hopeful that It was just not time. Surely next month will be our time. I stopped blaming him, I stopped blaming me. I stopped all the new things. I went back to the old things like just relaxing, laughing drinking wine, not planning or forcing sex, deleting my period tracker app, and just “letting it happen”. And still, It didnt happen. 

Then came the horrible advice. People said the most horrible things. It made everything worse. I wished I hadnt told anybody.

I went through mental breakdowns. Depression. Panic. Anxiety. And then...

BV. Bacterial Vaginosis just about ruined my life. Why is it that I didnt have BV in the beginning but I have it now? Why cant my pH stay balanced? What is wrong with me? How can I make this go away if TTC is causing it? It’s just too much. The BV sent me off the deep end. Because the last thing a woman needs, when her self esteem is bruised and she already feels like less of a woman because she cant have kids...the last thing she needs is to LITERALLY FEEL less of a woman! Weird smells that dont smell like me. Weird secretions that arent me. Worrying that my boyfriend was now turned off and wouldnt want to try. Worrying that he’d see me as less of a woman. 

The most joyful time of my life became the most miserable. I was DEPRESSED. I didnt want to get out of bed. I didnt want to have sex. But I didnt want to miss the opportunity because that just might be the time that we’d get pregnant. I felt crazy. I had breakdowns, insomnia, and crying episodes. I felt like my boyfriend would see me as a weak, pitiful, stinky, unattractive woman who was nothing like the one he fell in love with. 

Was TTC going to end our relationship? 

I complained to so many friends and vented about how depressed I was. Nothing they said helped.

Was TTC going to end our friendships?

I wished I hadnt told anybody. I wished we never even started trying. Things were so much easier before.

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Post Myomectomy Getting Ready to TTC

So, the doctor said it was safe to start trying about 3 months after the operation. My incision was healed and I had returned to work and exercising. I was so excited to start trying. I felt like I had a new uterus and my sex drive was through the roof! Me and my guy were so excited about starting our family. We had already picked out names before we even knew that we’d be trying to get pregnant. 

I spend time reading blogs, manuals, books, watching videos, movies, shows, and looking at anything that I thought would help to prepare me for motherhood. I wanted to be the best mommy possible before I even got pregnant. I prayed, meditated, cleansed, smudged, chanted and prayed some more. I started cleaning and de-cluttering the house to make room for our new addition because I was so sure i’d be too tired to do these things once I got pregnant. I talked to close friends to get advice. I reached out to experienced moms to see what they did to get pregnant. There were friends, family members, and even a few coworkers who were all excited for and with me. This certainly wasn’t a taboo because nearly everyone around me had success within their first month of TTC. Everyone talked about it as if it was as simple as 1,2,3. 

1. Decide to start trying. 2. Have unprotected sex. 3. Get pregnant.

It worked that way for all of them. Surely It would work that way for me. 

So as the months passed, I got even more excited and prepared mentally and physically as much as possible. I got into a workout regimen. I was eating clean and I even lost a few pounds. The house was clean. I was focused at work. I had everyone in my corner praying. We were ready.

The month we decided to try, my boyfriend and I both had trips for work. I was a little worried that we’d both be too tired or busy to actually try, but I thought oh what the hell, people get pregnant after trying only once. My fertile week started as soon as we both got back in town, It was perfect timing!

While on my work trip, I was excited and glowing. I was almost too excited to keep it secret. I get to get pregnant when I get home! I finally get to get pregnant. Did I mention that this is the day I dreamed of from the time I was old enough to know how babies were made? I have always been in love with the idea of motherhood. It is something i’ve craved with every fiber in my body. There has never been a doubt in my mind that I would be an amazing mother.

Any time I spent single as an adult, my concern was never really about being lonely and not having a man. My fear was always that if I was single too long, I’d never get the chance to have a family and be a mother.

So here I was, staring my future in the face, and ready to dive into it.

Well, I got home from the trip, ready to “dive in”.... 

How can I put this. I felt like I dove into a pool that was full of rocks rather than water. And so began my TTC Journey. 

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Open Myomectomy Story

It couldn’t have come at a worse time.

It was a week or so after the woman who raised me passed away. I was having severe menstrual cycles with horrible cramps and heavy bleeding. I’m talking too heavy and painful to go to work or even enjoy myself out in public. The pains got so bad that I developed a limp that I wasn’t even aware of until my boyfriend told me. He’s so good in that way. He pays attention to everything. (I digress) I was limping all throughout the month, even when I wasn’t on my period.

I always knew I had fibroids. They were first discovered when I was about 21 years old. There were only a couple, maybe the size of a green pea. My doctor at the time said that they were nothing to worry about and very common. As the years went by, I never worried about them. When I was about 23, I started to have pain and spotting (tons of cervical mucous with streaks of blood) throughout my cycle, especially around ovulation. A new doctor diagnosed me with PCOS after doing several ultrasounds a few months apart. I had clusters of cysts on my ovaries. She told me to take birth control to give my ovaries a break, and to lose weight. Well it was fairly easy to lose weight at that age, so I did. I only took the birth control for about 6 months because I started having yeast infections. Well it’s a good thing all the cysts resolved themselves by then. Yay!

Fast forward to when I was 28 years old. I’m in a wonderful relationship with the guy I know i’ll marry. I’m climbing the ladder in my career, and busy taking care of my granny before she passed away. I was always busy, and under lots of stress from work. No time to worry about aches, pains, and periods. But as I said, It got really bad. So, after granny died, I decided to take the time out to take care of myself and catch up on doctor’s appointments. Ultimately, after an ultrasound and an MRI, My OBGYN determined that an open myomectomy was necessary to remove multiple fibroids to ensure that I’d be able to have children. There were about 11 sizeable fibroids and a large cyst on my ovary. She said that the sooner I removed these, the sooner my life would go back to normal with shorter periods and less monthly pain. However, she warned that it would be important for me to try and get pregnant soon afterward before fibroids came back and made it hard to get pregnant in the future. She explained that these fibroids likely caused me to not get pregnant in the past. It all made sense. Well I’ve always wanted children, and my boyfriend and I had recently discussed starting a family anyway.

I went from nervous to excited!

The surgery was scary but went fine. It was nice to be off work on bed rest. Yes there was pain afterward. The medication made me feel horrible so I got off of it asap. After the first couple of weeks healing, I was able to get up and about, and enjoy the rest of my medical leave. From that moment on, I started mentally preparing to become a mommy. It’s something I’ve always wanted. So many people warned me to be careful for the first few months after the myo because it would be SUPER EASY to get pregnant. This was all so exciting. 

I had no idea that trying to get pregnant would soon become one of the most stressful times in my life.