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Its that time of the year again

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I got so used to categorising my feelings through different blogs (they are all very negative feelings lol) through this app, in high school uni and even up to a few years ago. It was my safe space but also my very depressing space cos of how I segregate the content.

Opening up the app again and seeing the list of blogs I have and reminding myself of the degree at which I used to struggle with - makes me feel a little weird inside but also a little happy to see how far I’ve come.

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So we did a thing

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I always think its weird, that when I think about what happened, I imagine that I'm watching myself. And I know this is somewhat normal for traumatic experiences. Dissociation, derealization, whatever it is. I don't even remember where it hurt that day but I just remember watching myself in that situation.

The most recent one, which I am so proud of myself to say was a year ago and not any more recent than that because I have cut myself off, all I could remember was the frenzy in your face, the pain in my gut, and the calm & terrifying look of joy in your face once you were satisfied after doing what you did and saying what you said.

All the other times, I remember through flashes of mental imagery. My glasses on the floor. Puddles of water. The bed a mess. Locked doors, of the car, the house. Drinks spilled over the cupboard, the clothes. Your laughter seeing me feel helpless.

For months, I imagined seeing you and I imagined feeling the pain. Over and over again. A nightmare I couldn't escape. Stuck on a loop in my head.

Now, I still get so much anxiety from just wanting to walk outside. Terrified you are watching. Waiting. Ready to pounce.

When I forget to lock the door properly, I immediately imagine you coming. It's not even an arbitrary robber, it's immediately you. Some nights I get so scared I even lock my own room door even tho I live alone. Just in case I need the double protection.

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Also, parents

Dismantling the Lies of Abusive Parents Masterlist

Resources

Giving you food and clothing is the bare minimum

You don’t owe gratitude for food and clothes you needed as a child

You had the right for basic resources

Parents shaming you for costing money is ironic and stupid

What it means when they say ‘This is MY house’

My house = my rules is blackmail

Children don’t owe absolute obedience for being fed and sheltered

Physical abuse

You are allowed to refuse any touch, not only violence

If they ‘don’t know they’re hurting you’, why do they ignore or punish you when you protest?

Hitting children is irrational and doesn’t work

You cannot ‘provoke’ your parents to abuse you if they’re not abusive

Why do parents actually hit, manipulate and traumatize children

Blatant Lies

Care, nurture and affection do not make you weak

They’re lying when they say it ‘wasn’t that bad’‘

You wouldn’t have grown up spoiled if not for abuse

You got too affected by it’ is a lie

Your parents are not ‘just too emotionally immature’ to understand abuse

‘You’re not living in the real world!’ is nonsense

You’re not worthless, a burden, ungrateful, or stupid, and your parents know that.

Constant undermining of your accomplishments is abuse

Not being allowed to talk about the past is symptom of abuse

Parents who want you to be happy vs look happy

You are not abusive for resisting abuse

When they claim ‘they didn’t mean it’, it’s still abuse

Your parents are responsible for their own actions regardless of how badly they try to shift blame on you

Psychological abuse

Blind Obedience is not required in a healthy upbringing

Disgust is a weapon abusive parents use on their kids

If they say they love you, but walk all over your feelings, they don’t 

Parents don’t have the right to enter your room to scream at you

Parents insisting for you to be ‘tough’ are doing it to hide the trauma

Even if a kid acts like ‘they can take it’, it’s still abuse

Pretending abuse is discipline will leave children permanently scarred

It’s inhumane to control and shame children’s reactions to abuse

Why don’t you already know this? vs Teaching you necessary skills

Acting like they’ll change is escape sabotage

Parents are responsible for protecting children from harm

References to how healthy parenting looks like

Not being allowed to be angry with your parents is psychological abuse

If parents want you to act way you did when you were little, they’re dangerous

Threats about how hard your life will be later on, are bad for you

Lack of continuity and ever-changing rules will cause anxiety

Forced obedience will lead you to abusive relationships

Parents acting like you’re a ‘bad’ is a shame tactic to control you

There’s healthy and abusive ways to give children chores

Revisioning the past and insisting you remember it wrong is gaslighting

If your parents make you suicidal, they’re abusive

Parents threatening ‘they could be worse’ is abuse

Always assuming the worst intentions for your actions is wrong

Keeping children hostage in abuse is torture

If this hits home, also read Recognizing Abuse Masterlist

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That's the last time I'll let you drown me lol

Repetitively hurting me and asking me to forgive and trust you 

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Going from, “I don’t deserve to set boundaries” to “Having a relationship with me is a gift not everyone is entitled to.”

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