butterflycharlotte - Tumblr blog

[butterflycharlotte]

you know i don’t think we often talk about how difficult it actually is to suddenly realize that a belief you thought was good and moral and correct was actually really fucking toxic. how you have to look at something and go ‘oh shit, oh i fucked up. oh this is going to take probably years at minimum to deprogram from my brain because of all the little ways this shit pervaded the rest of my beliefs’

so. to all the people picking up all the pieces of a recently shattered world-view and trying to figure out what is safe to keep and what has to be thrown away and started over

to all the people having to relearn how to even listen to other people

to all the people putting in the work to do better while struggling with the guilt that comes from finding out you were the asshole

i’m proud of y’all.

it’s hard to admit being wrong and even harder to change in the aftermath. just keep doing the best you can and just know that the effort is appreciated. everyone can change. everyone can do better. keep fighting.

[butterflycharlotte]

One of the best pieces of advice I ever got was to say “thank you” instead of “sorry”.

Due to guilt or any number of emotions, we sometimes end up apologizing when we shouldn’t.

And it can be draining to both you and the other person.

Learn to say “thank you”. This is less draining for the other person, but also can make them feel appreciated and good. And it also can help teach you that it’s okay to need support/help/etc.

“I’m so sorry I’m so terrible to be around” - > “Thank you for spending time with me!”

“I’m so sorry that I vented to you about my problems. -> “Thank you for listening to me!”

“I’m sorry that I keep messing up” -> “Thank you for being patient with me”.

[butterflycharlotte]

you cant ever let yourself forget what it felt like to be 15. how adults treated you. being treated without a shred of respect because people think youre too young to have thoughts and feelings of your own. the lack of autonomy. you cant ever forget that because if you do you might become the kind of adult who treats kids like theyre not people

[butterflycharlotte]

Tw for discussion of self harm and blades

Might be a stupid idea but I recently realized that retractable erasers look a lot like box cutters, to the point you could possibly diy them as accessories. Everyone’s experiences with self harm are different and so erasers could still be triggering/a method of harm, but if your issue is with blades/ knives then this might be a way to represent your experience with self harm without actually carrying a box cutter.

source

For some reason online they mostly come in packs like this. But all you would need to do is add decoration/ maybe cut it to look a bit more like a blade if you want, then hook it to a necklace and it’s done

source

the yellow one in this pack could easily be painted for a Menhera-chan cosplay/reference

[butterflycharlotte]

Using PNGS instead of actual art? Check!

Overusing medical imagery like pills or syringes? Check!

Nonsensical text that sounds like some edgy song lyrics? Check!

(TBH I used actual song lyrics for some of them, specifically "Inside the Memories" by Fear The Clown and "Everything" by Lifehouse, me and my cringy early 2000s teen drama alt rock obsession)

Graphic design is NOT my passion but I decided to make something inspired by those shitty bearhera/yamikuma prints you'll find J-Fashion brands using when they make half-assed yamikawaii releases. These are free to use by the way, since I made them as a joke.

[butterflycharlotte]

one of the biggest things I can advocate for (in academia, but also just in life) is to build credibility with yourself. It’s easy to fall into the habit of thinking of yourself as someone who does things last minute or who struggles to start tasks. people will tell you that you just need to build different habits, but I know for me at least the idea of ‘habit’ is sort of abstract and dehumanizing. Credibility is more like ‘I’ve done this before, so I know I can do it, and more importantly I trust myself to do it’. you set an assignment goal for the day and you meet it, and then you feel stronger setting one the next day. You establish a relationship with yourself that’s built on confidence and trust. That in turn starts to erode the barrier of insecurity and perfectionism and makes it easier to start and finish tasks. reframing the narrative as a process of building credibility makes it easier to celebrate each step and recognize how strong your relationship with yourself can become

[butterflycharlotte]

how would you coordinate sunglasses into menhera? there's a great need for sunglasses where I live but not really many that fit with the aesthetic.

I would say the easiest approach would be to find sunglasses with a more subtle frame so they don’t clash with the outfit too much. Unless you can find something in a color you wear a lot so pink/white for yumekawaii, black for yamikawaii, etc. Most of the coords with sunglasses I could find had thin/wire frames but also often had lenses in colors that went with the outfit (which could be hard if you wear a variety of colors)

sources: 1 2 3

It’s been deleted, but at one point I saw someone make menhera glasses chains, so maybe you could diy one of those to make the sunglasses feel more a part of the outfit? They were sort of like these images below but used pills, crosses, hearts, etc as the beads.

sources: 1 2 3

I’ll also link a diy on how to make the chains in general (it’s basically just any method you could use to make a necklace but then you need to add the eye glass chain connectors on the ends)

Lastly, If you’re willing to have a menhera specific pair of sun glasses you can carefully glue things on the frames (especially if they’re ones with thicker frames)

sources: 1/2 3

(For some reason all the bedazzled sunglasses I found were hearts. Though that would be cool it’s definitely not necessary)

Adding letter beads would be an easy way to make them menhera even if you can’t find “on theme” beads.

[butterflycharlotte]

what also gets me about people being so adamant about using the word "narcissist" or some form of it to describe shitty people is...there are other words. I was just watching a drew gooden video and he said "If you knowingly take part in something that has the potential to put other people in harm's way and you still do it cause it's kind of fun for you, you are selfish and you suck." (It's the gender reveal party.)

Just seeing how many commentary YouTubers, especially more leftist ones that talk about the heavier side of things like misogynists and seeing them use the term narcissistic or delusional is just. We HAVE other words we can use! We HAVE USED other words for years before narcissistic became a big trend to say and narcissistic abuse really ramped up as a pop psychology trend.

It is literally SO easy to use other words. You can Google similar words. Selfish, self centered, self righteous, egotistical, arrogant, entitled. One of the best words I find is probably entitled. Because a lot of bigots and misogynists and shit that usually get delusional and narcissistic thrown at them are really more self centered, arrogant, and entitled. Self interested, self obsessed. Especially since for abusers, misogynists, other shitty people, the entitled comes from the fact it is NORMALIZED!!!!! It is not a bunch of narcissists harming people, it is a society, a world, that has normalized this behaviour. They are entitled, they are abusive, they are selfish, they are cruel. There are so many OTHER WORDS to describe your abuse, to describe shitty people. Just call them abusers or bigots for fucks sake. And even if some delusional people may get roped into it cause they're vulnerable, typically it is a lot of people who are INTENTIONALLY doing it. It is normalized, it is allowed!

All we narcissists ask is that you not use a word that demonizes us. "There's a difference" yet other people say there isn't, other people say NPD isn't even fucking real, other people say pwNPD ARE abusive. If we used any kind of other word for the more "talked about" disorders, there would be a problem. We ask that you change it, we ask that you use other words, we ask that you not further add to the stigma. The same stigma that BPD deals with, that autistic people deal with, that any neurodivergent person deals with. The stigma and demonization is something ALL neurodivergencies have fucking faced!!! It may have moved away from demonization for a lot of disorders, but there ARE people that DO still believe it.

We fucking ask you literally use any other word. And you refuse to. You refuse to listen to us. You refuse to believe us when we tell you the harm it has and how it actually prevents us from finding resources. You say "of course a narcissist would want that." You see it as an attack on you and your trauma. You are throwing trauma victims at risk of abuse under the bus because you want to feel vindicated in your own trauma. You completely ignore any critical thinking of what we say to turn it against us, to ignore us, to bring up your own trauma as a defense point. Yes, you were abused by someone and it is terrible that happened. So were we!!! My abusive mom probably has NPD, but it did not affect the abuse I faced, it only add strains in our relationship outside of the abuse that still affect us to this day.

It is SO easy to find another word, to literally just listen to us, to not throw us under the same fucking bus. To not group us in with abusers and rapists and child sex offenders and murderers. Would you fucking like to be compared to your abuser? Pretty sure you fucking wouldn't. So why is it okay to do to us?

Some people will never listen. No matter what I say, it does not matter. As with any kind of thinking along these lines. But for those that are still reachable, please. Listen to us. And what would you even do if you found yourself having NPD traits? Wouldn't it be terrifying to see that in yourself? Because I sure as hell thought it was. It made me hate myself and further believe that I could NEVER do any wrong because I wasn't like my narcissistic abusers and worsened my relationship difficulties. A fair bit of narcissists on here had also fallen into that same hole. It doesn't heal you. It keeps you angry, scared, upset. It makes you want to hurt them back. And that will not heal you. It'll keep you defensive. It's keeping you in a victim mentality and preventing healing.

To the ones that ARE reachable, I hope you can learn something from my posts, from posts I reblog, or from any other posts. It starts with narcissists and "psychopaths" (antisocials), but it is the same place the stigma of every neurodivergency and mental disorder stems from. It's why other disorders may still get demonization from some ableists. That a lot of autistic experiences were based around how it affected OTHER PEOPLE like "think of their mom having that autistic kid :(" it is not anything new. It is the same ableism and stigma. It is less demonized for other disorders now, focusing more on treating it as no big deal, ignoring the actual difficult symptoms of such disorders (like if you have poor hygiene, people will judge you regardless), or even infantilization. There IS still stigma, but the stigma was once the same as us, demonization. It comes from the same place. It's things said about other disorders still today even if it is rarer. It's just more well known for the "scary" personality and psychotic disorders since there is a big push to destigmatize things like depression, anxiety, OCD, autism.

Do not throw us under the bus. It will do nothing. It is the same fucking stigma, the same fucking arguments. Like gay people throwing trans people under the bus, they're called the same things even if it seems like they aren't. It comes from the same bigotry, the same place of hatred.

It is not new, it is not different, it just is more common for personality disorders, psychotic disorders, and schizospec disorders. So when we bring up these things, mention how using the term directly associated with a disorder in the DSM V and how it prevents us getting help, how using the term narcissistic DOES correlate to NPD, please fucking listen.

Cause nothing will ultimately benefit you for continuing down that rabbit hole. Narcissistic abuse believers don't help victims of abuse, those articles and questions don't help you heal. It keeps you angry how anyone could do that, it takes advantage of your vulnerability and desire to find meaning and logic out of it. The reality is, you may never know why or at least not until you are away from the abuse.

We are trauma victims as well. We are still at risk of abuse because of our disorder. I would genuinely stay with an abuser just for the sake of narc supply regardless of how they hurt me if I did not have a good support system. For our "toxic" traits, we cannot work on them without help and the idea of narcissistic abuse pushes stigma further which prevents us from even finding free online resources, let alone if we actually tried to seek any fucking help.

Narcissistic abuse is not real and it will never be. Please fucking include us in "mental health matters" and the push for destigmatizing disorders. We are fucking humans that need help. And even if we were all toxic and selfish hypothetically, removing the ability to find resources or get help is NOT the way to go.

Even when I believed in narcissistic abuse, I would search to find answers on why I aligned with NPD if I wasn't an abuser or a bad person. I was terrified to even suspect it despite how much attention and love and supply I needed and how that applied to the very essence of my being. Even when I examined my own actions, all I found was treating it as if they're the utter worst of humanity. Even with my toxic and unhealthy acts because I was a fucking traumatized teen with no experience for relationships of any kind especially not healthy ones, I could not find answers or help. And all that did was reassure me that I WAS the good person, that I was JUSTIFIED in my toxic desires because I was traumatized. It did not help me with my emotional regulation, it worsened it.

Even if narcissists WERE all abusers or toxic and bad, they deserve fucking help and a chance to be able to see their actions in a better light. Some people may never change, but plenty will if given resources and actual professional help. The idea of narcissistic abuse refuses that and just demonizes it and NOBODY wants to be demonized, NOBODY wants to believe they're a bad person. The term narcissistic abuse and the environment and community surrounding it is toxic. It always will be. That is inherently what it is about. It kept me terrified that someone might call me an abusive narcissist because of my emotional difficulties, that someone would take me out of context and turn me into a monster like my family had done my entire fucking life. It keeps you defensive, it keeps you scared, it keeps you mistrustful, it keeps you in those trauma responses. It does not fucking help victims find peace of mind or heal. It keeps you triggered.

Also NPD isn't just a single disorder on its own. It's comorbid or the person could be ND in other ways. BPD + NPD, it has some genetic factors so a narcissistic parent may increase likelihood you have it, there are DID systems with it. You are not just throwing people with purely ONLY NPD under the bus, but whoever else may have it that may also fall under many other categories. I'm autistic and have NPD, I'm a system with NPD, I'm schizospec and psychotic with NPD. I have ADHD and NPD. They may not be directly related and comorbid, but I do still fall under these other categories. So autistics throwing people with NPD under the bus does nothing for the narcissists that are also fucking autistic. So by throwing narcissists under the bus, you are throwing a LOT of people with that disorder that also have other forms of neurodivergency under the bus as well. And the stigma all comes from the same place anyway.

[butterflycharlotte]

Puvithel released a wide range of crystal heart waist chains, which would do very well to spice up plain skirts of Dark Girly outfits.

[butterflycharlotte]

So much peace to be found in realizing that social interactions are inherently “awkward.” People will always talk over each other or pause in a conversation or run dry for topics at times. It does not mean you’re uniquely horrible or that you don’t know how to socialize. I think it’s the way you react to it (either with anxiety or with nonchalance) that actually dictates how much weight it has. But even the most charming, most extroverted person on this earth has those momentary lapses that I think scares anxious (me included) people so much

[butterflycharlotte]

[butterflycharlotte]

Not having a job is not a moral failure. Being a "basement dweller" is not a moral failure. Neither is living with your parents or being dependent on your family or partner(s) or being housebound.

Capitalism has tricked you into believing that your only value in this world is how much money you can make for someone else. It has also tricked you into seeing "unproductive" people, especially disabled people, as drains on a society literally built to help take care of them.

Jobless people are not your enemies. Disabled people are not your enemies. Get over yourself.

[butterflycharlotte]

realizing that sticking to the "do it bad" "do it scared" mentality implies theres also a "do it bored"

[butterflycharlotte]

PSA: Stay away from Ank Rouge's recent collab

We aren't sure whether everyone has noticed by now or not, but all designs "made" by the infamous wota influencer Zirai-chan (地雷チャン) are goods resold from Taobao including straight up replicas.

Ank Rouge did admit some weeks ago that all of the products are bought (by Zirai-chan) and not made in-house:

Some example of those collabs items supplied by said influencer: The DML replica blouse with the crappy bow that everyone and their mom owns by now.

The denim set by Chinese indie brand Bubble Trap.

And so on.

Please don't waste your money on those and just buy the originals, it also saves you about 100USD.

[butterflycharlotte]

fuyu collection (shiny colors pop up shop)

[butterflycharlotte]

“thrift stores in my area don’t sell punk/goth clothes” YOU HAVE TO MAKE IT PUNK/GOTH YOURSELF. GET OUT OF THE MINDSET THAT ALT FASHION IS JUST PRE-MADE WAITING FOR YOU ON A SHELF. BUY THAT “WORLD’S BEST GRANDMA” SHIRT AND CUT IT UP FOR PATCHES AT LEAST!! MAKE IT YOUR OWN!!!!!! FUCK

[butterflycharlotte]

idc anymore i think we should be a burden to each other