c0med0wn0nme

[c0med0wn0nme]

painting this on the ceiling above my bed so it's the first thing i see upon waking in the morning and the last thing i see before falling asleep at night

[c0med0wn0nme]

[c0med0wn0nme]

I bite now and it's because of you

[c0med0wn0nme]

to be loved

i want to be loved and i dream of someone knowing me inside and out and throughout and every other way there is. i crave someone holding me close and tender, kissing me gently like i’m the most important thing they own, but i also need someone to claw their way into my heart violently to tear it open, to see all the raw and broken and hurt inside so they can see me, truly see me for who i am. i want someone to know every expression on my face, every twitch of my fingers, every moan i can let out, to know the way my breath gets stuck in my chest, to understand me in ways even i don’t understand myself. i crave loving so strong, it feels impossible to be close and not have a single point of touch. i crave loving that feels synchronized, all-consuming and all-encompassing. i need to be loved so i feel it fill me up to the point i’m scared of overflowing. i need to be loved and feel loved, please.

[c0med0wn0nme]

being in your twenties truly is just rediscovering and remembering things you liked at 14 but without the shame this time. im back to reading fanfictions because it's fun. i go to concerts of bands i haven't listened to in years cause 15 year old me liked them. i tried painting again and i put my silly art on display in my room cause im not ashamed of it anymore. i can do yoga without fear of my mom barging into my room. teenager me was cool and i like her.

[c0med0wn0nme]

home

i want to go home but where would that be? my childhood bedroom does not exist anymore, i haven’t seen my father’s house since the divorce and my mom’s apartment has no space for me just a couch in a living room, sleeping like a guest guess that’s who i am, a daughter at best

in high school my friends would burst into laughter whenever i called my dorm room a home and i felt like an intruder at my aunt’s house so in my head i labeled myself homeless thereafter then the place i called home got stained with heartbreak at least i still love this city although it feels fake

as i book that train ticket, it think to myself at least i got a place there that’s mine and for that 5 hour ride, a seat feels like home a familiar sway on the tracks lulls me to sleep that’s where i’m supposed to be

[c0med0wn0nme]

wilmon + ao3 tags

[c0med0wn0nme]

to be loved is to be known and i never felt more loved than when you play me a song that you think i will like, when you listen to me talk about movies all the time, when you send me a text asking what snack i want, or when you let me sit in silence as i fall apart.

so i look for your love in others cause that’s what feels known like a blanket on my soul like a calm after storm like a light in my heart like a well slept night like everything will be alright.

[c0med0wn0nme]

my fav conspiracy theory is that everything will turn out ok eventually

[c0med0wn0nme]

mosaic

we are a mosaic of everyone we love and have ever loved even for a heartbeat

so there is a piece of everyone in me because i still listen to the album a girl i loved played to me in 2016 i still tie my hair the way my childhood friend did when we were 11 i put things in the kitchen the way my mom does at home and i still use the same mascara my sister did once i order that sandwich i don’t even like cause my friend said it’s her favourite and i write my ‘f’ like my ex-roomate did even if we do not talk anymore

but somehow, for some reason there is no piece of him in me in anything i do i guess that’s because he never was in my heart too.

[c0med0wn0nme]

for her.

she asked me to write her a poem but i dont think i know the words big and warm and kind and strong enough to describe the way she settled into my life into my heart into my mind as if she was always meant to be there

i don't think i know the words right enough to make her understand that my love and longing for her is more than that of a friend, but not enough for that of a lover cause i don't want her body, yet it hurts to think of her soul intertwined with somebody else

i don't think i can say enough words to make her understand how i feel maybe i should just bare my soul naked for her to see

it's okay she tells me she misses someone else but i miss her too, more than i should and as we lay in my bed at 4 am, her words and her touch don't belong to me anymore maybe they never did

so i will find words to fill in what she left of my life of my heart of my mind

[c0med0wn0nme]

how do i know if really love this person romantically, or if im just experiencing intense platonic feelings? is there even a difference? where do i draw the line between friendship and love?

we live in society where romantic love is seen as the highest, purest, most important form of human connection and yet not a single romantic relationship felt half as important and formative to me as my platonic relationships.

maybe my life would be easier if i loved my friends less, if i didn't allow for them to fill in every crevice of my heart until there was no space for even me. if i wasn't ready to abandon everything in my life just to make theirs easier, if they didn't consume every thought, every heartbeat, every breath of my being, it would be easier to realise my love for them is not enough to fill in their hearts too. if i loved my friends less i would not feel betrayed and heartbroken everytime i come to face they do not see our platonic relationships as fullfiling as romantic love they seek.

yeah. maybe it would be easier, but i cant wait to cook their favourite meals and help them when they break up with their partners. i cant wait to see their beauty without the layer of desire. i cant wait to experience life with them even if just for a little bit. so i will be there loving.

[c0med0wn0nme]

YOUNG ROYALS (2021—2024)

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[c0med0wn0nme]

[c0med0wn0nme]

[c0med0wn0nme]