caelynswiftt

[caelynswiftt]

4:12

everything is getting bad. i don’t feel happy anymore, i’m not happy at all. i want to die. but i can’t. she told me that if i go, she goes. and she can’t go. she is amazing, and i know that she is going to change the world.. one day. but i know that i’m not going to. i can’t. i just think i’m not meant to live this life. yes, there are times when i’m happy. but they are so small. tiny little moments, and i forget the majority of them. i’m just sad. every day.

they always say how it’s going to get better but i just don’t see it. and its not like i can talk about it. i can’t talk to my parents. i don’t have friends, not to talk to about this at least. and i absolutely can not talk to her about this. she gets upset, worried, and she already has enough on her plate. i just don’t think i can take it anymore. i need her to be happy, but i don’t know how to do that whether i’m here or not.

[caelynswiftt]

8:37

and then all of a sudden, it stops. my face doesn’t hurt from smiling, i’m not close to anyone. i’m alone.

and it’s not that she is gone, like actually gone. she’s just at her own house now. we still talk on the phone, we are still dating. she’s just not in my arms. it’s terrifying when you meet a person who does this to you. if you aren’t with them then you get this feeling in your chest. nothing feels right, you don’t feel complete. it’s like they are holding your soul and without them, everything is.. nothing. i’m 14 years old. when you’re young everyone wants to tell you how you’re not gonna last. how it’s just a little school relationship. yes, many are in it for the kisses and make-out sessions. but when you meet that person, you know it. you don’t know if they are gonna leave. you don’t know if they feel the same, or if they are just like everyone else. but you know that you don’t want to let them go. you know that a part of you is with them and if they leave then you’ll just have to pretend that you aren’t missing a piece. without them everything hurts and feels like, nothing. 5/13/2020

[caelynswiftt]

10:13

life gets hard. that’s the reality, and i’m having to learn to accept it. but, sometimes i don’t want to. i’ve been reading books. lots of them. about far off places with intelligent and outgoing characters, needing to complete there mission. and oh, how i desire to take there places. to restart. to go to a land where no one knows my name. a land where there are small villages with magical kings and queens ruling. where there are fairies flying about, on there fragile yet beautiful wings. or where a talking hat gets to choose which house you are in. where you can learn quidditch and practice magic for 7 years. the thought of magic, it’s always been so tempting to me. the thought of living a life full of it, well that’s a dream come true. although each fairy tale is magical, there is always a hard ship that is dealt with. there is the monsters. terrifying wolfs, evil queens, villains whose name isn’t even allowed to be spoken. in every story, you have to face a bit of reality. and you may be wondering, would i want to live in a world with all of that? i think i would rather go through that then have to deal with the life i’m living now. 4/30/2020

[caelynswiftt]

10:27

in just a few hours a new day will come. a new number on the calendar, a chance to restart. but for now, it’s just 10:27. usually, this is the time i breakdown. my mind fills with thoughts that might as well be explosives going off in my brain. painful lines are drawn on my skin, and my empty stomach begs for anything to take in. for hours this lasts, before i give my mind a chance to rest by falling asleep. and it starts at 10:27. or should i say, it used to. but today, my 10:27 was different. i have a feeling of content, peacefulness. i play my guitar and get comfy in a small corner with warm pajamas on, a full stomach and a calm mind. my past it still with me. i still see the scars when i change and think the thoughts i have trained myself to believe. i’m not perfect, and i never will be. but for now, i can say one thing. today was a good day. 4/26/2020